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Part 1: Terrible Gentleness

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Note: This piece was formerly named as Terrible Gentleness, now lengthened and edited to be a part of 'Deceitful'.

It was four in the morning, and Jan, in his neat uniform, was rushing on the street. He needed to meet his friend, Jaden, an hour later in the Square for they would need to attend the flag raising ceremony as a representative of their school. No one in their right mind would wake up at four, but it was an involuntary job assigned by a unanimous decision from the Student Union.

He shuddered, as he continued on his way. Just now he had such disturbing dreams and scenes about weird blooming flowers churning in his mind that he could not think right. His head had throbbed so badly when he woke up that he felt he was floating. He ran even faster, trying to erase that from his memory.

Then he stopped. He just stopped.

A spark of pain ignited in his head. It expanded with velocity and soon it occupied all space. It continued stretching to slowly creep over and envelop his body. Jan would have known that this layer of pain coated everything if he had been able to think. Everything was red, then green, then red again, and green followed likewise, and black...

He crumpled to the ground.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jan opened his eyes and inspected the surroundings with his blurry vision.

He was in a bedroom much smaller than his own was, and there were so much more differences. Books were standing like a squad of soldiers on the bookshelf. There were one diary, one notebook and one calendar placed on the desk in the best way possible. Pens, correction tapes and rulers were faultlessly organized and sorted in different little transparent plastic boxes. The tone of the room was soft pink and baby blue-- the cupboard, the shelf and everything else. The lights from the ceiling emitted a gentle glow of rays that made the room warm yet never too messy to feel burdened.

There was a certain fragrance hanging around in the room. A sweet combination of honey and lily filled the room with another layer of charm and placidity, which was emanated everywhere in this room. A banner was hung on the closed door, with the motto of 'Fides et Opera' and the badge of...

Jan's school. His own school.

Knock knock.

"Jan? Are you awake?"

Jan was puzzled. He was sure that he had heard that voice before. Somehow he could not remember...

"Jan?" A boy's voice said. He should be around the same age as Jan, but his voice seemed a little bit peculiar, as if he was afraid of something.

"Maybe he hasn't wake up yet..." The voice outside whispered.

"Yes?" Jan couldn't wait to know this person was.

"Jan! May I come in?"

"Of course."

The door slowly opened, and Jan, half-lying on the bed, thought he could recognize him perfectly once he entered.

Click.

All the lights in the room went off.

"Jan?"

In the darkness, Jan could only grasp certain distinguishable features, like the round face and the thick lenses to help him see better. "Dominic?"

He sat on the bed as if he was visiting a relative sick on a bed in the hospital. Jan felt a hand placed on his forehead.

"Are you feeling better? You fainted on the street, and I just saw you falling. So I simply had to bring you here. Please, you must excuse me for this." Jan could imagine those soft gentle brown eyes seeming to plead him.

By this point Jan had thrown away any doubtful thoughts. His classmate was the gentlest person he had ever seen, and perhaps the most courteous as well. He bowed when he greeted his teachers and even his classmates. His soft and tender way of speaking as well as his thoughtful way of being a person had won him trust from everyone around him.

Dominic continued. "I just couldn't sleep, so I went for a jog."

Which seemed a little bit odd to Jan. As he recalled, Dominic had been yawning the whole day at school. But Jan could understand how hard it could be to fall asleep.

"Of course." Jan attempted to talk some more. If he just fainted on the street he might have been victims to some gore crimes. He had Dominic to thank for if he didn't. "So... you live here? Where are your parents?"

Suddenly his facial expression seemed to harden, but just a second later it became its original perfect mixture of gentleness and courteousness.

"Ah, yes. I live here, but alone. They died when I was at quite a young age, so..." he shrugged. "Well, so this is my little home. Do you like it?"

"I'm sorry."

He smiled. "It's nothing really. So do you like it?"

"I wish my room could be one tenth as tidy as yours."

He laughed, but somehow it sounded...different.

Jan would never dare a notion to accuse him of any terrible acts, he thought, as the scent in the room seemed to grow stronger by the minute. Dominic just seemed a faultless person. Maybe he was just too tired, possibly.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yes."

"I know I am being too bothersome, but I must make sure you're alright. Suddenly you fainted on the street. I don't know if you've noticed, but your right arm might have been scratched by the rough rocky ground."

Jan was alarmed to hear that, but knowing that Dominic had completed a youth First Aid course was comforting. The sugary scent now smelled like vanilla and coconut, and it was still intensifying, reminding Jan of how sleepy he was.

"How did I faint?"

Curiously, he seemed quite reluctant to answer this rather straightforward question. He stood up and started pacing around the room. "Well... you just... I saw you touching your head, and then you just collapsed."

Really? Jan asked himself. What was frightening to him was that he could not remember how it happened. He didn't even remember how he ended up on the street. The fragrance now reminded Jan of a special chocolaty aroma. Perhaps chocolate cosmos, as far as Jan could remember, but there was this special property of this particular type of flower that he could not remember...

He winced. His mind began throbbing again, and this time it went even more severe than the first time he had earlier.

"You don't look as handsome when you frown," Dominic commented.

"What?" The pain was agonizing. "What...what is the time now?"

"A quarter to five."

"I gotta... I need to... to leave. Thank you very much." Jan tried for a pale smile and attempted to stand.

"No." He smiled sweetly, courteously clasping his hands.

"Excuse... excuse me?" Jan thought mist and fog were gathering around him. His eyelids were so heavy that he could barely open his eyes.

"No," he whispered. "You are not leaving." His grin was so genuine it was impossible to believe that he had any plans up on his sleeves.

"Wh--why?"

"Don't leave. Okay? Promise?" He still kept that smile. "Would you like a bath first?"

"No thanks. I really need to leave...like right now."

"I have got some really awesome photographs of you during Sports Day. Would you mind to have a look with me?" His eyes went for a book on the shelf.

Everything was spinning around Jan. He fell back on the bed, which in all of a sudden became the softest thing ever invented on earth.

"Yes? Please?" He walked closer and closer to Jan, while Jan could only clutch tightly the sheets on him, which was as suffocating as a thick layer of carbon dioxide.

Dominic sat again. "Where were you going?"

"To the Square."

"Oh. Why?" He smiled and nodded, encouraging Jan to continue, but Jan had a terrifying image of a clown with his bloody red mouth staring at him.

"To...to meet my friend for the...for the flag raising ceremony," Jan managed to mumble.

"How nice! No doubt you were wearing your own uniform. That had to be so uncomfortable."

Jan wanted to think of anything to respond, but his mind stopped working.

"So you see- I have to change your clothes. Would you terribly mind if you are wearing one of my set of pyjamas?"

He sat and looked at the moon outisde the window and laughed some more.

"Sleep, my dear...ah. Classmate. I will make sure I tell your friends where I have left you." Dominic said as he left the room, closing the door with a tiny 'click'.

Jan could not bear it anymore. The pain in his head and the choking scent binded together to form an aroma to surround him in a bubble, drifting away from Earth farther and farther...

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
GoldFlame
Review

Heya!

So this piece caught my eye because of the oxymoronic title--I have an addiction to oxymorons, and I decided to read it. I was well-rewarded. The pace and sentence variation were wonderful, well-measured and well-flowing, and the characters proved multi-dimensional.

I'm just going to run a quick hand over technical stuff:

Jan was rushing on the street with his backpack jiggling in his neat uniform with every badge pinned perfectly.


You might've heard the quote "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." Prepositions run along the same lines; they don't contribute anything while casting the illusion that they do. In addition, they promote run-ons, those information-packed clauses you're always striving to avoid. And it's not even the prepositions themselves. They're just the warning signal, like pain is the warning signal for internal or external injury. It's that they're stringing together large chunks of information that form an unnecessarily long sentence.

When I casually glance at this sentence, the first that greets my eyes is "backpack jiggling." Then "Jan" registers, and vaguely the last three words, but all the details just slip through my head--you want to separate the ideas, mold them into individual descriptions so they're stamped into the reader's head, isolate them with commas and periods and M-dashes and semicolons.

Prepositions aside: Let's take a look at the effect this opening sentence impresses.

Your goal with the opening sentence is to ensnare the reader's attention, plant questions in their mind, and let those questions take seed and grow until the story answers them. None of that occurred here. I've read countless opening sentences about people rushing on the street and people's backpacks thumping against their backs, and I'll tell the truth: I was far from intrigued. But try discussing what thoughts are flitting through Jan's mind. Delve into the relevancy of his uniform; hearing about his uniform with no explanation threw me off. Just get the reader asking questions.

It was four in the morning and he needed to meet his friend an hour later in the Square for they would need to attend the flag raising ceremony as a representative of their school's youth cadet.


Egh, more prepositions and run-ons! Separate the thoughts; permit them their own clauses and expressions, and this'll make them more digestible. Simpler clauses pack more punch.

Also, you require commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences: "... four in the morning, and he needed to [...] in the square, for they ...."

And one more thing: explainnnn. The narrator's tossing out a bunch of terms the reader may not be familiar with. We want to relate with the character, not hear about everything else that's going on around them.

assigned by the unanimous decision in the cadet.


Read this sentence aloud, and it sounds a bit awkward, doesn't it? The article "the" is used when the accompanying noun wasn't referred to before, and a preposition lurks that doesn't belong: "in." Try "assigned by a unanimous decision from the cadet."

Fresh breeze blew towards him with a welcoming gesture on the street, and the silvery moon glowed with grace on the sky.


I'm going to go ahead and kill a couple birds with one stone:

1) An article's required before "fresh breeze": "a breeze."

2) Cliche description alert. Fresh, blew, welcoming--these are probably the most common tools utilized when it comes to describing breezes. You could describe the scents the breeze is tainted with. You could describe the shape of the breeze, the quality and the characteristics. You could describe the evidence it leaves of its existence, ruffling people's hair and dancing across their skin. Use your creative juices!

3) There's some contradicting statements here: "blew towards him" and "on the street." The wind seems to change location without a transition.

4) "Silvery moon glowed with grace." Egh, egh, egh. Read it aloud with the sentences surrounding it. Not just is it completely irrelevant, but it's so ... plain. Elaborate on the moon's grace. Describe, maybe, how it's enveloped in a silvery glow. Describe how it contrasts with the night sky.

5) "On the sky." If this was deliberate, you're a genius. I love how the moon is depicted as something separate from the sky as opposed to something belonging to the sky, as it's typically described.

When he woke up his head throbbed so badly that he felt he was floating.


The dependent clause at the front of this sentence is four words, so I'd recommend a comma after it, and the "that" is unnecessary: "When he woke up, his head throbbed so badly he felt like he was floating."

i-Pod


No hyphen required: "iPod."

in his head.
in his skull
his head


Keep an eye out for redundancy in this paragraph.

Jan would have known that everything would be coated with this layer of pain if had been able to think.


The rest of the paragraph was dedicated to describing agony blooming inside his head, and yet here it described agony as something like a sheet draped over his skin. Just check that you stay consistent.

Also, the narrator forgot a pronoun: "if he had been able."

He was in a bedroom much smaller than his own, but there were so much difference.


"But" suggests contradiction, and yet here the clause ensuing "but" only reinforces the message the previous clause conveyed. So there is no but. Maybe "He was in a [...] than his own, and that wasn't the only difference.

The room was majorly tinted with soft pink and baby blue- the cupboard, the shelf and everything else.


"Majorly tinted" looks pretty weird and awkward. Maybe "strongly tinted." Or you could dive into further description on the pinks and blues, eliminating "soft" because it contradicts "major." Also, an M-dash requires two dashes: Punctuation Rules.

which was emanated everywhere in this room.


Try using "the" instead of "this"; "this" is usually used in present tense works, and only for effect.

Jan's school. His own school.


Ooh, I love paragraphs that solely consist of fragments. They just have such a lingering and powerful effect.

So I simply had to bring you here. Please you must excuse my ruthless act.


Whoa, this guy talks way more formal than necessary, especially for the clipped sentences his thoughts come in. Also, "ruthless" is a strong word. "Ruthless" is like torturing-depth. I'm confused why he's apologizing.

Grammar: comma after "please."

"Ah-yes.


Replace the hyphen with a comma: "Ah, yes."

The dialogue could probably benefit from a few contractions, too. It sounds stiff and stilted, and it doesn't possess that flow that informs me it's a person talking, not the narrator narrating.

sounded... different.


Previously, there were no spaces preceding or ensuing ellipses; just check that you remain consistent.

I must make sure you're alright.


All right vs. Alright

"You don't look as handsome when you frown." Dominic commented.


Another link: Dialogue Punctuation

I feel like the structure of the story is unbalanced. You only get to the meat about two-thirds of the way through--the first third is dedicated to a few unnecessary paragraphs loaded with unnecessary information about Jan. Jan's disorientation dissolves pretty quickly, too. His dialogue is seamless, and you'd think he'd be affected at least somewhat from his fall. Try dropping some foreshadowing. That'll ease us into each part of the story more smoothly, and we can predict what's happening better.

Anyway, I see a lot of potential in this piece--it's just a few small technical and stylistic things that disrupt the fluency. Keep up the good work!

Looking forward to hearing more from you! ^_^

~Flame

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2015 3:22 am

Hi there and happy Review Day!

To start off, I think this was a good story. It definitely addressed important issues about how nobody takes stuff like this seriously. It was also very interesting.

Hi there and happy Review Day!

To start off, I think this was a good story. It definitely addressed important issues about how nobody takes stuff like this seriously. It was also very interesting.

There are some things that could be improved upon, though.

First of all, you weren't very clear on why there was a flag raising ceremony, and I have no idea what a school cadet is. That might just be because of my unfamiliarity with the school systems wherever this is taking place, but you might want to explain it more for other nationalities.

Also, some of Dominic's dialogue sounded jilted and odd. Parts of it served just to make him more creepy, which I think was the intent, but other parts were just odd, like the "gulped down the drink" part.

There were a few typos I'm going to go over:

Maybe he hasn't wake up yet

Should be "woken up"

They died when I was at quite a young age,

This would sound better if you said "died when I was quite young"

I think that's it for now. I liked the way you had the phone call and the realization at the end. Sorry if this review is incoherent or unhelpful, I'm just really tired right now.

Keep writing!

~Meandbooks

Thank you for your review!
By a school cadet I want to say units, or groups set up by different service groups in schools, like Youth Units of Hong Kong Red Cross. I don't know if other nations have this kind of groups, so I am sorry if this confuses you.
As for Dominic's dialogues, I kind of intended them to be quite odd and choppy. Again sorry if I confused you.
Anyway thank you for your helpful review :)

I know the 'cadet' part is quite messy, and I really don't know how to put it. (*sighs)
And the flag raising part- what I thought was that Jan and his friend would gather in the Square and head to the place where the ceremony would take place together. Sorry again for confusion caused.
:)

User avatar
Rin321
Review
Rin321 wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2015 12:20 am

Hey! CHRISSY here with a review!

*Happy Review day*
Ok, I just wanted to say some things about this. First the many positives!

I love the detail in the beginning! It is brilliant! The jingling of his backpack, and just everything that followed! This story is something different- and I like that! Great job!

I love the twist ending also! Very surprising! This whole thing kept me on my seat!

There is just one thing I would fix though, but it may just be me:

the ' - ' before this could be without. I think it is OK ether way, but it may just look a little better that way!

" - "Where is Jan?" I wondered as I waited for him in the bitter cold in the Square. "

Overall, this was great! Keep Writing!

Thank you for your review! :)



“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester