The coral maze was her favorite view. Fishes of all colors and size scattered in every direction. The deep blue surrounding the creatures sprang into ripples as an effect of their motion. A giant octopus seemed to be getting larger - no, it was moving closer. As it hit the barrier, it flung back shooting out ink into the water. She stepped back. But it wouldn’t be able to reach her anyway, the barrier above her kept the ocean and it’s creatures well away from Camellia’s reach. The air was thin and stingy, Camellia’s lung’s ached but to the creatures living in this dimension, it didn’t hurt, they didn’t breathe. The instant Camellia landed here, she thought of leaving. A world which consisted of 83% water, where vampires were the greater population, where the remaining humans only lived on land but Camellia was trapped underwater and literally, under the ocean water – a world like this, at first thought, failed to grip Camellia’s interest. And now 6 sunsets later, or that’s what Camellia had been told, she didn’t want to leave. Where else would she find vampires of such good demeanor? Where else were vampires such an established, civilized race who had created laws on their food products, cared about the extinction of the human race and grown to be so friendly? Just the thought of a friendly vampire was so paradoxical but it was the reality in this dimension.
But what Camellia had truly fallen in love with was the atmosphere, the scenery.The first day on ‘Orvo’ (that’s what the people of this dimension called their planet), Camellia was very disheartened not to be able to see the sunrise; that was her favorite part of nature. She missed the feeling of the warm rays reaching her skin, she missed the light peeking in through the curtains in the morning (even if it bothered her back at home). It wasn’t easy for the light to reach all the way to the sea bed, especially not across the barrier. Camellia still didn’t understand how the barrier worked, how did this invisibly thin layer of glass hold all the sea water and it’s community above this world, how could it stretch all across the world? Camellia couldn’t imagine how powerful the magic would have to be to make this possible. But her new friends here told her they never cared to know and whatever it was, there was no magic in it. Camellia knew the laws were different on each world, but the effects of gravity where nullified no where. And neither did any dimension have a second planet, aliens don’t exist and the laws of our planet have no exceptions.
Camellia closed her eyes and recalled the address to her world. She gathered her strength to open a portal and when she felt it’s presence, she opened her eyes to see the view once more. She may never look Up to sea the sea again, unless of course she decides to return. But that’ll be a while. Where else is the sea the sight above? The code to each dimension, Camellia knew, wasn’t something she needed to remember; Nesret- the emptiness between the dimensions, the emptiness that had it’s paths curved to and from everywhere to anywhere - knew how to take her, where her heart wanted to reach.
******#######****
‘‘Damn that freaking alarm clock!,’’ Jason cursed on under his breath. He thought he had turned the alarm clock off but it was still ringing.
‘‘What madman created ‘snooze’?,’’ Jason groped around in the dark, but couldn’t find his table watch. He hated the sound of the alarm, it made him want to throw the watch out for good. Sitting up on his bed, he squinted around, but his watch was nowhere he’d expected to find it, not the bedside table, or the bed or the floor. The unbearable ear-piercing nose went on.
‘‘Is this what your looking for?,’’ the alarm stopped ringing and a young woman in an 18th century attire stared down at him. ‘‘You’re an odd one, most people ask questions when they see an unexpected visitor. Well, I shouldn’t bother if you don’t. I really like this little…..device, but can you change the noise it makes? Something with a lower pitch would be nice. It’s clever that you can turn it off by one press.’’
The woman turned the watch around and around as if it were a new toy and she were a clueless child. Jason got off his bed and turned on the lights, he was still wondering how this odd woman had turned up at his house. He often forgot to lock the door at night, but it’s not as if he had anything worth stealing here neither was he an important man who was worth kidnapping. ‘She must certainly be some foreigner. But why would she enter my apartment?’ Jason pulled his tee straight and brushed his fingers through his hair. Then, when he noticed all his used clothes scattered all over the floor and the stench of his house got to his lungs, he decided it was no use: ‘I probably already made a first impression.’ In the light, Jason guessed she was 18 or 19. An 18th century gown, waist length wavy chestnut hair, pale skin and deep blue eyes: an odd, but interesting looking woman. An interesting looking woman, standing in Jason’s bedroom – odd. She seemed very much like a fish out of the water, what was the story of this woman?
‘‘Are you…can you talk? I hope you understand English, it’s the universal language – well I think so.’’ She didn’t feel welcome, though she hadn’t expected to be. The silence annoyed her, ‘‘Maybe I landed at the wrong place. Just assume you never saw me.’’ She closed her eyes and chanted something alien. A wide, dark screen appeared about 2 feet away, it looked like a piece of cling film colored in black, stretched vertically from his untidy green tiles to his pale ceiling. Jason stared in awe, ‘‘Who the hell are you?’’
Camellia’s concentration broke, the portal disappeared and she stared, or rather glared, at the dumbfounded man sprawled across the deep green, unwashed tiles. The uncombed black hair and unshaved beard made him look as if he were in his forties, but the glow of his green eyes, the structure of his strong but lanky limbs gave Camellia the impression of a man in his early twenties. Now that she realized she may have to stay here a while, Camellia looked around ; a house of two rooms but both equally cluttered with all the rubbish this man could afford to save, no curtains, no couches, no decorations, just one little bed which, Camellia thought thankfully had a bed sheet on .
‘So…! Who are you? And what in the world was that?’ An expression of fear spread across his face- the woman, the screen, none of this was right.
She smiled contently: ‘I am a traveler, and that is my gate to Nesret: the portal to the other worlds.’
This is part 1 of 2.
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137,592 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! ^_^ Evi here. Haven't read Scarless, so sorry for any confusion!
Here you have some comma-splice issues, which is when you stick together two or more complete sentences with only a comma, which you can't do with proper grammar. There'd either need to be a semi-colon (;) or comma + conjunction in place of the commas I bolded. Maybe you're going for the stream-of-consciousness thing, but it just comes across as sentence run-ons. You have a lot of these. Check for them.
Get in the habit of spelling out one- or two-syllable numbers. So 6 = six.
Here you switch perspectives. Until now, in this section, the story's told in Jason's POV; it's jarring to have it switch into the woman's so suddenly.
Overall, I suppose I'll have to read the next section, but this feels all over the place. You have some fantasy vampire world, some fantasy aliens world, some science-fictiony time travel...too much going on at once. What's the point of the segment about the underwater vampires? It barely ties into the next section except to give Camellia a place to come from before arriving in Jason's house. If this is a prequel to something, be sure it stands on its own and makes sense-- don't include a world from your other project if it doesn't work in context to this. If I'm right, the next part will explore Camellia's experiences staying in Jason's world and time. If so, cut the first part and replace it with something more action-y that shows Camellia having a reason to switch dimensions, instead of randomly deciding to open a portal. Stories are fueled by conflict and motives. Give Camellia a reason to switch worlds, otherwise it won't matter to your readers.
As far as characters, Camellia acts very strange around Jason. She tells him her secret so quickly, so easily, with no hesitation about whether or not she should keep this sort of thing a secret. I think you should pick one character-- Camellia or Jason --to tell this portion through, otherwise we can't appreciate their reactions. If it's Jason, show his shock, surprise, and curiosity at finding this lady in his house. If it's Camellia, well, it'll probably be similar reactions. Just keep it realistic and keep it consistent.
PM me for anything, and keep writing!
~Evi
Hello, this is the first time I've seen an idea like this. I've read books about vampires. I've read books about vampires creating civilizations. But I've never really read a story about vampires getting along with humans for a greater good. Hooked on this idea, I continued to read.
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