i think there’s got to be a moment, lisa
(with your mousy hair and your wild irish eyes),
must be a feeling of some sort that seeps from your lips
or a touch that catches at my skin, worn thin as it is.
there’s something trembling in me when i feel you
and i’ve never stopped to question it, though now
i mourn it violently.
i’ve heard your quake for years, your breath
in my ears, in my lungs, in my wiry, bloodless veins;
the creation is in the way we knew, the way
we spoke about volcanoes and sang about the way you
could kiss me and colour me in all at once -
i could be delicate for you, empty for you,
everything for you.
lisa, how long have i been churning your mousy
hair and irish eyes into metaphors and similes.
how long have i let your quake tremble in my breast
only to be skewered and worn as thin as my skin
taut upon a cello string you’ve never told me i didn’t need.
how long have i sculpted you into my wild mountain thyme,
my fresh morning air, my first cup of coffee.
how long did it take to dissolve you into a sugary sip
in the cup of my old, ceramic hands.
i don’t want volcanoes, or the end of centuries, or colour even.
i want you and i’ve used you up, haven’t i?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Damien and Lisa? Yes, please. <3
Although, I got a bit sceptical with “wild irish eyes” since it’s a first person narration and to assume that Rice would use Ireland’s feature to glorify her, feels so -not –him. Because, his lyrics are solely based on the pain and emotions in an elaborate way and he’s not the person who says, “Porcelain skin” or “bleak dawn hair” he’s the sort of person who throws the truth in the air as if he’s tired of having to keep it for so long. He doesn’t beautify the pain; he simply gets tired and sings a song with utmost frustration and honesty. I sincerely hope you see my point.
My reaction for the “ceramic hands” is as same as that of the “irish eyes.”
Hello there, Dreamy here to read-through your poem because Rice— and retrograde? I’m curious as to why you chose “retrograde” to describe Lisa because I don’t see the connection right there, or maybe I don’t know them as much as I thought I did.
First Stanza: “Mousy hair and wild Irish eyes”
Good observation with the hair.
Second Stanza: This particular stanza felt like home. I liked how you chose to refer to his songs. It was a connection that any fan would ask for. Volcano is everyone’s favourite. <3 And oh, delicate. <3 Colour me in, oh you.
Third Stanza: I could almost sense that this is the end of the poem with this stanza, as it felt like you’re summing up the reasons, for eg: you’ve heard her quake before but now you realise that it’s you who have let her. As if it’s your mistake that you’ve let her quake for all this while.
I really liked the simile with cello cords, the comparison felt fresh and new. Is he a coffee person though?
If I’d really have to be critical and ask you to take out something then it will be the name, “Lisa” Because with his lyrics it’s always you and I.
I had to run back from him to you because you mentioned in your description that you were trying to be him and I understand that you were trying to add your own touch. It did work in some places but it could have been done better since we got Damien to compare it with. But this is amazing and I think you should do it more often. You should even make a tune. A grey, grey tune.
Keep writing!
Cheers! =)
Oh gosh this was so well thought out like thank you! And I definitely agree on the finer points. This poem was so interpersonal so because I assume Damien Rice speaking of Lisa Hannigan while I'm still me and the girl who this poem is written for is still her. I used people as a metaphor which is probably why I'm so nervous about this piece, tbh.
In any which case, super well thought out review. Thank you kindly!
Hey Dreamwalker!
I couldn't help but review your poem, it's beautiful! I feel like I truly connected with the narrator through the gorgeous comparisons you used. The emotions were so raw and passionate, the love so clear and realistic I couldn't help but fall in love with the narrator. "i’ve heard your quake for years, your breath in my ears, in my lungs, in my wiry, bloodless veins;" this line in particular really intrigued me, the use of bloodless to describe his veins is really clever. I understand the title because you explained it to the first reviewer but maybe you should have put that in the description? Anyway all in all, I loved it!
I thought about putting it in the description but theres a small part of me that likes the anonymity of this. I only relayed that info to explain the title, though it explains an aspect of the work as well in the process. In general, the poem is more than just the relationship between Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan. It's the feeling of loving someone you've lost by your own actions. In losing someone who brought colour to your world.
In my limited experience, I know what it feels like to lose someone you love in churning them into something else. Using them up, if you will. Damien Rice is my metaphor, but he's not the only reason for this poem. So I didn't want that to be the only way to describe this, if that makes any sense at all.
In any which case, thank you or your words! I'll have to consider the description a little more closely next time, I think!
Hi Dream!
I just wanted to review your lovely poem. Fist, I wanted to say that it was absolutely amazing and I loved it a lot. You never used capitalisation in the poem, but I'm sure that's just a style choice. I'm not sure if you knew, though, to write "volcanoes" instead of "volcano's" unless there was something key about the misspelling.
I also didn't quite understand how the title related to the poem, but that may just be me.
Honestly, I just love the way that last bit is so succinct and both ends and sums up your poem nicely.
Nicely done there. I feel I have nothing else to say, as the content was great and so was the style. Love your writing!
-Falco
Ah another rookie mistake by me. I'll fix up those volcano bits. As for the title, the poem itself is based on Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan, it's an added hint, shall we say, for anyone wondering who the objective 'Lisa' is in correspondence with the narrative 'I'. Thank you very kindly for your words!