i asked for forgiveness when i forgot how to stand
(ask the floor where it ends and i begin)
there is no space left between the earth and me;
no
space between the beads and my thumb.
i am melting into the hardwood, into the sheets, into the anxious quake
that holds me flat
that asks me no questions but whether or not
the sun decided to rise and whether or not
i can see it
(i orbit you. i orbit you. i orbit you)
i asked for forgiveness when i forgot how to breathe
(ask the air where it went and why i can’t find it)
there is no comfort when the hand of God says
no
space no space no space no space
i need holy divination; i need a church to air out my anxious fate;
i need an intervention of some grand design
to burst the rind of my pithy casing and make me fresh
again
(let
me go. let me go. let me go)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow! Loved this poem, the spacing, word choice, repetition is all so artfully done. There are so many wonderful lines in here. "i asked for forgiveness when i forgot how to stand/breathe", "there is no comfort when the hand of God says/no space no space no space no space" - just really lovely. You can almost feel the anxiety and panic between the words.
I have only a few minor suggestions, or places I was confused. Why did you choose to not have a period after the third repetition of "i orbit you" and "let me go"? Is it to show a literal lack of space between word & parenthesis? I thought this looked a bit inconsistent, but I'm sure you had a reason behind it. I also think the semi-colons rather than comas are an odd choice after "divination" & "fate".
Also, in the third to last line, it seems odd to say "some grand design". The rest of the poem is so pointed and specific - the word "some" seems out of place here.
While I love the word choice in most of the poem the second to last line is all over the place. The concept of bursting out of something that is "pithy" which is already something forcefully done into something "fresh" is just a lot of different ideas to mix into this ending. For me, being pithy isn't necessarily "unfresh". "Pithy casing" might be unnatural and forceful, but I'm not sure I can understand why it'd be juxtaposed to "fresh". For me, the second to last line was just too much that didn't really seem fully in line with the rest of the poem. It seemed like it belonged in a different piece altogether. Those were just my thoughts though, and I could be missing something there.
Great job overall, I really enjoyed reading it!
~alliyah
Hello
The repetition you use throughout the poem is a nice way to get your point across to the reader since we as humans are more likely to remember something if we see it three times. I also see how you do not use capital letters its gives this poem its own style and the lack of punctuation except for the two lines 'i orbit you' and 'let me go' really enhances them. How this poem is set up is very nice and honestly it is pleasing to the eye. The word choice to wonderful, not to hard to understand but not to simple. You also leave some room for the reader to image and fill in the blanks so to speak. Great poem!
Happy Writing!
-M.
Wow. May I just say that I loved the spacing in this poem. It really added to the breathy and panicked feel of the composition. I also like the lack of capitalization at the beginning of sentences and proper "i"s. There's no way to describe the feeling that gives, but it's an intense one.
The line "i am melting into the hardwood.." was kind of confusing, but that's probably how you want it. I love the imagery in "ask the floor where it ends and i begin."
You know what? I can't say anything else about this poem. It was overall fantastic and I would love to look into some of your future work. Sorry if this is a badly written review...
-Grace