Hi, just before you start reading I know it's not very long. I was just trying to come up with something I can take into a college interview. I have a few other samples to take with me but they have requested I bring a prologue. Thanks in advance. :)
Choices of the heart: Prologue
A child runs across a field behind my house, remember the innocence? Two girls in bright colours giggle past the ice-cream truck; I remember how it felt to be worry free. Cars upon cars, parked in gardens or on the side of the road. Different makes, sizes, colours. I wonder who the drivers are, what kind of drivers are they? By accident, would they knock the little boy in the blue coat down? Maybe not, perhaps I just over think things.
As I remember all the things I used to think about, tears sail my face, docking on my t-shirt. I can no longer wonder who the man in the black hoodie is, if he is struggling with his life or why he has he's hood up when it’s not raining. I have my own worries to worry about and wrongfully, they are more important.
Last week my Grandmother told me my Father was coming to see me. I was angry but curious. He came we exchanged pleasantries. Then he came right out and told me I wasn't from this world, no I am not an alien. Let me explain. According to my Father there is another Earth, hidden from all things mundane. This world separated from ours because of the violence, diseases, destruction and evil that humankind was rising. This malicious behaviour was leaking into the earth’s natural energy, polluting it and killing their magic. On the other Earth the air is richer, thicker. The rain is clearer almost crystal like. I admit I don't know much about this hidden planet, but that will change for I have a choice to make. My Father informed me that a member of their counsel has died, and no I am not the next in line to join the counsel, not that I would want to, the struggle for power is immense. It's my job to choose who the next member will be, but more importantly I have to choose which world will be my home.
The problem with this other world is they don’t look too kindly upon humans. My problem? I find it hard to back down from a confrontation; I think I might need help with that. According to my father, a term I use loosely, I could hack into my powers if I wanted to I am just being “tenacious”. His word, not mine. The thing he needs to understand is when he decided to toss me to my Grandmother all those years ago he tossed away his right to call me his daughter.
My last week was spent making up fake stories as to where I was going and why I had decided to take a holiday in the middle of a school term. Tomorrow my father will be arriving with official travelling officers to help assist my grandmother and myself to this magical version of earth. Then I will be told precisely what my duties are. My father has tried to coach me to into saying I am a witch in training if anyone should ask; he says that if I gloat about being human I won’t make many friends, just a whole heap of enemies. He insists it will cause conflict and maybe it will, but it’s not me that has a preconception that the entire human race are just a bunch of unexciting animals, reeking with toxicities and riddled in parasites and deserve nothing better than to be slaughtered and wiped out.
It doesn’t matter that neither of my parents are human, and it doesn’t matter if I have powers humans can only dream and write about. I was raised as a human; No one can take that away from me. I am human and it’s time they got used to it.
End of chapter
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141,276 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Great work I love reading these types if stories. Interested to see how long some of these continuing stories and blogs or whatever they tend to be last. It's almost difficult to wait. I see them often on here thanks for a good read. Looking forward to another. Best of luck to you.
You have a very good set up for this story. The idea of another Earth with a inhuman character, though it has been done several times, is something that never seems to get old. However, you have managed to put a different twist on it that the person that is not from this world actually wants to stay on Earth out of their own free will. I realize this is just the prolgue but a little more description would be nice. Like what does this girl look like? What does this neighboorhood look like? I am still waiting to see what the title might mean to the story itself. Please keep writing.
Hey there! EatSleepRead here.
I hope I don't sound harsh or anything. It IS for a college interview, and you want it to be as well written as possible, right?
Interesting story.
This was pretty good, but on the first sentence:
"A child runs across a field behind my house, remember the innocence?" It was kind of confusing and left me saying, wait what? So maybe put a period instead of a comma, and it will look like this:
"A child runs across a field behind my house. Remember the innocence?" I guess it sounds a little better and it flows more.
Also, my English teacher always said to not say "that" in any of your writings because it is just a "filling word" (as she would call it). She said it makes you sound a whole lot smarter if you don't say "that". If there is no other word to use other than "that", then I guess it's fine. But seriously, I recommend you to not say "that" in any of your writings. It's kind of like saying, "um" or "like" in the sentence: 'Johnny had, like, a lot of apples in his bag.' You know what I mean?
Example:
"The rain is clearer almost crystal like. I admit I don't know much about this hidden planet, but that will change for I have a choice to make." Maybe instead of saying "that", say "The rain is clearer almost crystal like. I admit I don't know much about this hidden planet, but IT will change for I have a choice to make." Use what you want, but I would have put 'it' in there instead.
Other than those little things, everything looks good! Keep writing the story, it looks really interesting. You had a voice in talking as the narrator. Great job!
Until then... Keep reading and writing!
~Renee
The first line made me think for a minute, "Remember the innocence?" I was thinking, what innocence? Then it finally clicked that it was the innocence of a child, maybe you could change that? "I saw a child run through the fields behind my house, I can remember the innocence of a child." Or something to that effect, I don't quite know how to phrase it.
In the next paragraph, when you saw 'Tears sail my face', I was also a little confused, I thought it was a spelling error at first, maybe write something that may make just a little more sense to readers. Or maybe I'm just easily confused.
In the next paragraph you say, 'He came we exchanged pleasantries.' There should be a comma after came, or the word and, then a comma.
Other than that I really liked it and can't wait to read more of it!
~Fantasy
Thank you so much. I have taken note of everything you have said and I will correct it.