A constant fear settled itself in the pit of her stomach as she opens the door to the hospital visitor’s car park. She noticed every wall was shielded by shadows. Each shadow presenting its own story, its own fear, perhaps it holds someone. The question is; is that someone prey or predator. Isn’t it funny how your mind likes to remind you of every horror movie you have ever seen, just as you’re walking through a setting that you’ve seen countless times in horror flicks?
She has walked this path hundreds of times in the past few weeks. Something was different tonight though, maybe it was because her uncle was worse. The cancer was eating him alive from the inside out; her reason for having to venture into the isolated car park. Perhaps cancer hid in shadows, like a twisted villain that was waiting and anticipating its next victim. The more she thought about it the more cancer and villains seemed alike: They were both cowards that kept out of sight until they attacked. They both attack from behind, neither come with a cure and they both kill. She knows the intrusive thoughts about evil and the fear that the Devil himself or cancer might pop out of the shadows was because death was on her mind all day. Death itself can bring out the most frightening thoughts.
She tries and fails to calm herself. The lack of a sudden noise in a faraway corner or, a silhouette passing from one giant dark pillar to another made her uneasy. The fact that nothing was happening only made her mind find more things to provoke her with.
She ran past dozens of white lines to reach her car, where she practically went through the passenger window. She slammed the door shut and clicked the lock. Slightly out of breath she set perfectly still on the wrong side of the car letting silence flooded her ears. Three very long seconds pass and she doubles up with laughter. It’s not long before tears are diving towards her lap. With a giddy hiccup she wiped her tears. In her giddy state she found it difficult to climb into the driver’s seat. She placed a hand on her stomach and continued her laugh with her head rested against the window.
When the tears stopped and the laugh subsided she started her car. Driving out of the now empty car park she couldn’t resist one last look into her rear view mirror. It was empty; it was no longer a scene from a horror movie. It was just a simple car park. It was her imagination that needed to be weeded of evil villains.
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140,518 Literary Works • 673,289 Reviews
Your story is amazing! It is filled with suspense and mystery. The way you get distracted from the main topic is intriguing, I find it let my mind relax after the fear that just pulses from the screen. It was nice that it ended on a brighter note, quite often I find that my stories end with the person dying or being injured. Your use of descriptive word is brilliant. Keep up the good work!
This was nicely written.
Correction:
"...maybe it was because her uncle was worse"
It should be
"...maybe it was because her uncle's condition was worse (or worsened)"
Please pardon my curtness. I'm in a haste.
I would change the word "constant" here. A constant fear would be a recurring one, or one that she has had long prior to this incident. You could call it an inconsolable fear, an irrational fear even. And I would changed "opens" to "opened" to keep the tense consistent. What is a car park? I'm from the United States, so the term I am familiar with is "parking lot." Is it an underground parking garage? Where you say, "perhaps it holds someone," "holds" doesn't help build ambiance-- use a word like conceals, covers, hides.
Where the narrator says "prey or predator," this pairing is usually worded "predator or prey," and this line doesn't mesh with the narrator's state of fear, unless the narrator is a predator herself on the lookout for her own prey, or wary of a bigger predator. I think "friend or foe" is a good substitution, though a little cliche, but you could make it work.
Not really. What are you supposed to think of when you are in a setting commonly used in horror movies? I think you could refine this thought. What you're hinting at is the vulnerability of isolation. Plus a parking lot, if it is relatively full, can offer a lot of places for attackers to lurk.
Hundreds of times? Let's say a few weeks could be as many as 4. 4X7=28. That's 4 visits a day, every day, to equal a little over 100 visits. Maybe scale it down to "dozens" or a simple "plenty." And you don't need to explicitly state "the reason for having to venture into the isolated car park," because you mention it's a hospital in paragraph one, and you've just introduced the very sick uncle. "Twisted villain" is also redundant... "scheming" fits in better with the rest of the sentence.
This falls flat... Not all villains are cowards. In order to be a villain, don't you have to act on those dark impulses, throw yourself out there after what you want? Yes, villains are often underhanded and dirty fighters, but this isn't out of cowardice so much as doing whatever it takes to win, without regard to law or morals. Maybe think about this from a villain's point of view and see how you can refine this comparison.
This line doesn't make sense. It is noisy in there and suddenly it cuts out, or? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
Also, I think "or" is incorrect. Are these her musings, or things that are actually happening? In the 2nd line, though, you hit on something very important: the mind's need for incessant stimulation. In a situation like this, where there isn't anything concrete to be afraid of, the mind turns everything into a potential enemy.
Again, a little too much exaggeration. How empty is this parking lot? Does she have the time to gain that sort of momentum? Instead of practically going through the window, how about she actually does hit into the car because she can't slow down in time.
"Wrong side of the car" is... well, a weird thing to say. "Letting silence flooded her tears." <-- this doesn't make sense.
This scene doesn't flow very smoothly. Try making it a little more fluid. Show, don't tell. Also, your tenses aren't adding up for me. Is this past or present?
I like that you end on a positive note, with the narrator able to reflect on the truth of the situation. BUT, I think we need a little more tension thrown into the story to make this revelation more powerful.
Great writing
I love dramatic and scary short stories. keep up the good work 
Cray cray here~!
Anyways, the writing is very good, though you can't use first person (I, you, we) when writing in third person (she, he, her) unless you have things like '... she thought.' Instead of this being a horror story, its mostly dreary; its focus isn't about the shadows scaring her, its mostly about her uncle's cancer.
Style: very good, but small things could have made it better. Describe more about what the shadows look like besides just looking like moving figures. EX: "..the shadows seemed to slither and convulse as she paced herself towards her car, their wickedly devilish intentions looming over her like the rancid smell of antibiotics from her uncle's bedside.." Your story is meant to be DRAMATIC, so go Shakespeare if it makes your story good. ;P
Keep up the great writing~!