The Fallen Princess

A blast of freezing air filled the castle. Frost started crackling on the walls, trapping in the coldness.

A tall man walked into the castle. His hair was a grayish white, and his eyes were a cold, hard blue. He wore a white outfit, completed by a white cape. He had a sneer playing at his lips as he shot an icy blast at a portrait of the royal family.

He chuckled evilly as the frost slowly devoured the family. ‘Soon they will be exactly that. Frozen.’

He walked down the hall, his senses alert. He could hear panicked voices echoing around the palace.

“Save the Queen!”

“Save the baby!”

“Noooo! Somebody save meeee!”

“Save yourselves!”

Obsidian Frost rolled his eyes, then smirked. ‘Soon Zar will be mine.’

He smelled smoke, then laughed slightly. ‘They think fire can stop me? Well... I suppose that they need to think again.’

A flick of his wrist sent an icy blast towards the hidden fires. He heard a sizzling sound, then complete silence that lasted about a minute.

Obsidian shook his head once they started screaming again. ‘They are so...pathetic. Perhaps a little icebreaker to ease things, a bit?’ He shot a mixture of ice and snow throughout the castle. ‘That’s should...freeze them.’ He sneered again, walking towards the Royal Family’s Hiding Place that has remained untouched by Obsidian’s powers.

He knew where they were. He had long known everything about King Adhun and Queen Nyx. Or so he thought.

He shook his head angrily. He hadn’t known that Queen Nyx had had a daughter.

Elsa Cherssia Oldenburg.

‘Three years younger than Jack.’ Obsidian stopped at the door, and raised his hand hesitantly. Part of him didn’t want to kill Elsa, but the other part knew that he had to.

Or he could just take the crystal and leave them in peace.

The Crystal of the Heart. Obsidian shook thinking about it. It could give you unlimited power. Unlimited respect. Unlimited wealth. It could give you *anything.*

But Obsidian had heard rumors about the powers of the Crystal. If not used correctly, if not used wisely, it could destroy you. Tear you apart with desires. Make you feel things that you’ve never felt before... or haven’t felt in a long time.

A sudden sorrow washed over Obsidian. His wife had died giving birth to Jack.

She had cared so much for Obsidian. So much for her people. She hated violence, and hatred. She had sworn that she would get rid of it... but she couldn’t.

Obsidian groaned. ‘I’ve always been evil. How could she love me?She made me someone else for ten years. Them she died. In a way-“ Obsidian blew his icy breath into the locks of the door. “-it was a good thing. She had forced me to be someone else. Someone who I was not. “

Obsidian opened up the doors. He heard a terrified gasp, then a tiny wail.

Adhun stepped out of the gloomy darkness, startling Obsidian slightly. He recovered quickly though, and gestured towards a ice chair that appeared out of no where.

“ Will you sit your Majesty?”

Adhun gave Obsidian a hard glare. “You are not my king. You are not in charge of me. I don’t have to do what you want me to do. I refuse to listen to you.”

Obsidian sighed. “ I guess that we will have to do this hard way?”

Adhun looked startled.

Obsidian smirked. ‘Very weak. Shows his emotions to easily.’ Gesturing towards the chair, he commanded, “Sit, or there will be consequences.”

Adhun walked over to the crystal blue chair, and sat on it, defeated. “Just... whatever you do, do to me and not to my family.”

“That’s how you want to do it?” Obsidian rolled his eyes, clenching his fist.

His icy powers fastened Adhun to the chair, making movement impossible.

“What?!” Adhun exclaimed, startled.

“Making sure that don’t...um...play any little tricks.” Obsidian said delicately. “Now why don’t we....get down to business...”

“Why are you here? What do you want?” Adhun asked, shaking with fury.

“Simple. I want the crystal. Give to me and no one in your family dies. “

“But then you can take over Zar and destroy it! Why must you make me choose between something so impossible?” Adhun exclaimed, his tanned face in agony.

Obsidian groaned. ‘This is going to be harder than I thought it would be.’ Forming a chair for him to sit on, Obsidian asked, “But what if I don’t? What if I become a... a better king than you?”

“You’ll never be a better king. You will never rule as justly as Adhun. You are full of wickedness. It’s who you are. You will never be good.” A feeble voice broke the slight pause. A tall, beautiful woman appeared behind Adhun’s chair.

She was wearing a silver dress, with small,majestic diamonds studding the waistline. He thick, wavy red hair fell down to her hips, swaying gently as she moved. Her dark blue eyes were gentle, but there was an anger flashing in them. In her strong yet for fragile looking arms, she held a baby girl.

‘Elsa!’ Obsidian thought. His eyes nearly popped out of his head. He had found the princess. ‘She’s like an... an angel! So delicate, so adorable!’ Obsidian quickly took in Elsa’s features.

Her blonde hair was long for a baby. It went down to her shoulders, framing her chubby tanned face. Her eyes were oceanic blue, sparking with starry tears. Her nose curved slightly, casting shadows on her face that somehow made her look even cuter. Her hands were chubby, tiny...

'She was agonizingly adorable.' Obsidian could barely look at her without winching. Her cuteness actually killed him. It hurt...a lot.

Nyx looked at Elsa, then at Obsidian. She gasped, then span around, hiding Elsa from view. In a way, Obsidian was relieved, but, the at the same time, he felt hurt. 'What is happening to me?' He wondered.

Nyx looked over her shoulder. "You can't have her. She is mine."

Obsidian narrowed his eyes. "Ah...then...mmm...yes...delightful."

"What?!" Adhun growled.

Obsidian flicked his wrist, and a small black-iced dagger appeared on the arm of his chair. Picking it up, Obsidian got up and walked over to Adhun. "The crystal...or the girl." Obsidian said quietly.

"No!" Nyx exclaimed.

Obsidian ignored her. "Adhun, now. Tell me which one you want to lose forever." Obsidian relished making this worse for Adhun.

Adhun looked conflicted. He bit his lip, tried twisting around in his chair so that he could look at Nyx for reassurance, but he failed.

Sighing, Adhun said, "You can't have my daughter. She is priceless. .."

A small smirk tugged Obsidian's lips. "So-"

"You can't have the crystal. You can't have either. Who knows what you would do if you have either. All I know is that you would destroy my kingdom. My kingdom, not your kingdom." Adhun said. "We used to be best friends. Then you left the light side, and joined the evil side. I've heard you've claimed that you've always been evil, but that isn't true. You used to be the guy that everyone wanted to be friends with. But then you brainwashed them. But you couldn't brainwash me. Want to know why? Because I choose to remember you. I fought the brainwash. Sure, it left me with mental wounds, but I couldn't forget you. I couldn't forget how fun, how bright you had been. I couldn't lose hope. You are always going to be that in my mind. Courageous, hilarious, daring. I couldn't lose that..."

The smirk faded from Obsidian's face, and was replaced by a look of tremendous hatred. "How. Dare. You. You never meant anything to me, remember? I have always hated you. ALWAYS. That never has changed." It was amazing how much he believed in his own lie. "You are weak. You can't part with either of those oh-so-precious-things. One last chance. The crystal, or the girl?"

"And my answer remains the same. Neither. You will never have them."

Rage exploded in Obsidian's body, and he span around, turning his back on Adhun. "You will regret this."

"Really?" Adhun scoffed.

"Really." Obsidian said as he twirled around, and his powers spiraled towards Elsa and Nyx.

"NO!" Adhun screamed.

Luckily for Adhun, Nyx ducked behind the ice chair, so she and the baby survived. Obsidian was slightly annoyed.

Obsidian stormed up to Adhun, and pushed his face in Adhun's face. "The crystal or the princess."

Adhun spat in Obsidian's face. "I told you..."

Obsidian pointed at Adhun's chest. "You've decided your fate."

He sent a swirling blast into Adhun's body, instantly freezing him over.

"Nyx, he's dead."

Nyx started sobbing; Elsa wailed heartbrokenly.

Obsidian felt a prick of guilt in his mind, but it lasted momentarily. His rage and pride came rushing back in, filling in the emptiness he had. "Now..."

"I am never telling you what I did with the crystal, you murderer.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really."

"Hmmm, I guess in that case-" Obsidian walked behind the chair and placed ice handcuffs on the queen and her baby. "-You are my prisoners."

Comments

Points: 46306
Reviews: 373

Donate

Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:31 am

PrincessInk wrote a review...

Hello! Here for Review Day, representing Team Blueberry I would like to preface my review by saying that my advice may not work for your story, so I hope that you will take it with a grain of salt and that my comments will help you analyze this novel in future edits.

I imagine this is a prologue, because the next part of The Fallen Princess says Chapter 1. I suppose that this is a story about Elsa taking the throne back from Obsidian. Maybe I could be wrong, but I can kind of guess because I frequently encounter this type of backstory (don't get me wrong, frequent doesn't mean bad).

The Crystal intrigued me quite a bit. I'm really interested to see whether Obsidian finds it or not, or whether Elsa and Nyx manage to keep it safe. I imagine that Elsa would need to get it, eventually. The Crystal is obviously a very powerful, and dangerous object, and I'm also curious to know more about it, especially about how it works. The Crystal of the Heart did grab onto me.

I also thought that Obsidian was a very interesting villain. On the one side, he's evil; on the other, he's...not. He can still feel guilt about Elsa and can feel sad about his wife. I'm curious to know his relationship with his son Jack. The fact that he had once been Adhun's best friend made it even more interesting. That was the biggest reason I kept reading this prologue. His dual personalities kept me wondering what he'd do in the throne room.

The dialogue was pretty easy to follow, too, because of the many action beats. I could easily picture what the royal family and Obsidian were saying. But I also think that your dialogue might need some rewrites. Dialogue is especially tricky, and I believe it will take a while for it to come smoothly. So while your action beats show me the desperation and resignation of the family, I thought that I would like to see more of those feelings conveyed in the dialogue. I think it's a matter of knowing these characters well before the dialogue ends up very satisfying. And also, I'm feeling as though everything said is just...blurted out loud. You know the way when people talk in real life, what they say may be a nudge to something else and not always said at face value. It's hard to explain this sort of thing, so this is just food for thought.

One part that confused me was how Obsidian kept switching back and forth from the evilness to that sympathy and guilt in his heart. While that personality gives me hints of a complex villain, I also felt as though the back-and-forthing drew me out of the story a bit. I don't think it means that the back-and-forthing is bad; I think I was simply befuddled by the extremes of it. Like one moment he's staring at the king with utter hatred, the next his heart is thawing a bit toward the baby.

But overall, I enjoyed this excerpt! I'll be looking forward to check out Chapter 1. Hope this review helped!

-Ink

Points: 248
Reviews: 11

Donate

Wed Mar 21, 2018 3:30 am

View Likes

GrayButterfly says...

Okay, so I'm back!

*Show don't tell:
"He chuckled evilly" remember show don't tell! What does an evil chuckle sound like? What makes it evil?
"He smelled smoke, then laughed slightly." This sounds very abrupt. Again, show don't tell is important here.
"then complete silence that lasted about a minute." This sounds very specific. Perhaps show the reader instead of telling. What sounds fill in for the silence? And what caused the silence from everyone screaming in the background?
-"A sudden sorrow washed over Obsidian." Remember to tell the story as it is happening. Try to avoid the word 'sudden'. Also, what was the emotion of Obsidian before he felt sorrow? Also, this could make the decision between killing Elsa or not more suspenseful since he has a connection to young children.
-"He heard a terrified gasp, then a tiny wail." delete "he heard". You are taking the reader on this journey as well. Remember to make it flow.
-"Adhun looked conflicted." Of course he looked conflicted, he's choosing between a baby and a crystal! You don't have to tell the reader this, but also what does a conflicted look for Adhun look like? Everyone has a different conflicted face depending on the situation and depth of the person. Give me facial and body cues.

*Technical:
"trapping in the coldness." You probably don't need the word "coldness" you could just say "cold" and it would mean the same thing
‘Soon they will be exactly that. Frozen.’ I'm not sure if there's a rule for this, but I've never seen apostrophes being used instead of quotation marks.
"Well... I suppose that they need to think again.’" Instead of using an ellipses (...) a comma would fit better. Usually ellipses are for trailing off into thought.
-‘That’s should...freeze them." The ellipses doesn't belong there, and a typo with "that's" should be "that"
"It could give you unlimited power. Unlimited respect. Unlimited wealth. It could give you *anything.*" 'You' is a word used in second point of view. The story thus far has been in third, and keeping it third would maintain flow to the story. Maybe replace 'you' with 'him' to make it more personal to Obsidian.
-" ‘I’ve always been evil. How could she love me?She made me someone else for ten years. Them she died." typo in the last sentence of this phrase, "then" instead of "them". Also, normally people don't use the term 'evil' when talking about themselves. And how did she make him someone else? That would be interesting to expand upon.
- "Shows his emotions to easily.’ it's a typo: 'to' should be 'too'. Writers use the word "to" as in "sent to" or "go to", but "too" is when someone or something is joining another such as "let me go too" or "He shows his emotions too easily".
-"his tanned face in agony." why is his face in pain?

*Diction:
-"as the frost slowly devoured the family." I really like this line because of the diction. Devoured is a strong word, nice job!
-“Noooo! Somebody save meeee!” I feel as though this takes away from the seriousness of the scene. The castle is full of chaos, yes? So instead of adding a bunch of vowels, shorten the "Noooo" to "No!" and the "meeee!" to just "me!"
-"Adhun gave Obsidian a hard glare." Since you're referring to a gesture between eyes, I would stray away from the word "hard" maybe try something more dramatic like "deathly" or ohhh "cadaverous" is a good word! But the choice is yours.
-"She was wearing a silver dress, with small,majestic diamonds studding the waistline. He thick, wavy red hair fell down to her hips, swaying gently as she moved. Her dark blue eyes were gentle, but there was an anger flashing in them. In her strong yet for fragile looking arms, she held a baby girl." Hey, high-five for this description! Everything flowed great, good job!
-"'She was agonizingly adorable." this is happening to him in the moment, so for his speech, give him present tense. Keep everything else in past tense like you have it.
-"Obsidian was slightly annoyed." No, this takes away from the whole mood. The readers just went through an intense moment where Adhun had to choose between two precious things, and so Obsidian just chooses for him, and he also is described to feel hatred toward Adhun, so why is he only 'slightly annoyed'?

*Detail:
"He knew where they were. He had long known everything about King Adhun and Queen Nyx. Or so he thought." Give me more detail here. What was all that he knew about them? Introduce some depth to the characters.
"Part of him didn’t want to kill Elsa, but the other part knew that he had to." But why? What happened?
-"Elsa wailed heartbrokenly." What age is Elsa? I thought she was a baby, and if so how could she possibly understand what was going on? Yeah maybe she wailed, but to say she wailed 'hearbrokenly' is a little extreme, don't you think?
-"Hmmm, I guess in that case-" Obsidian walked behind the chair and placed ice handcuffs on the queen and her baby. "-You are my prisoners." Okay, but, if he has the power to handcuff the queen, does he not have the power to order someone to find the crystal for him? Also, how does he handcuff a woman and her baby, who is also holding her baby. And one last thing, the whole thing where Adhun got frozen, what is the relationships around the room connected to him? I'm not sure if the queen knew him, but Nyx seemed pretty upset. In that moment it would have been heartbreaking if Nyx tried to run over to Adhun's frozen body.

I know this is a lot, for real you're a trooper if you read through this entire thing! Remember to keep writing, that's how we (writers) improve!

Points: 248
Reviews: 11

Donate

Tue Mar 20, 2018 11:07 pm

View Likes

GrayButterfly wrote a review...

Hello! Thanks for letting me review your story. I'm kind of a picky person, so you shouldn't take all of this to heart. <3

"A tall man walked into the castle." This would be a great oppurtunity to describe what the castle looked like, also where is it? I can imagine it would be in a forest because your character has ice powers, but don't leave me guessing
"His hair was a grayish white, and his eyes were a cold, hard blue. He wore a white outfit, completed by a white cape." I feel as though this is lacking tonality. The "cold, hard blue" part may help with the feeling you're trying to create, however it all feels too descriptive. I have found that when writing you must ask yourself the question: "So what?" Write with purpose, and lead the reader through the depth of the character.
"He had a sneer playing at his lips as he shot an icy blast at a portrait of the royal family." This is just me being picky, but "he had a sneer" kind of takes me away from the story. Tell it as it is happening and avoid past-tense. I'm not an expert on this sort of thing, but maybe it would be cleaner as "A sneer played at his lips". Also, you have the oppurtunity in this sentence to give a peek at the backstory of why this mysterious character is angry at the royal family. Don't give it all away, keep the readers intrigued with suspense or mystery, but maybe find the voice of the character and become him. This will help you find your voice.

I want to review more, trust me! But I have to go watch a movie lol. Keep on writing!