The Fallen Princess: Chapter One, The Past

by DreamingofWriting

Published March 9, 2018

12+

In Fantasy

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I was only nine years old when I was sucked of my powers.

My mother had been sick. She barely got sleep anymore. When she did sleep, it only lasted half an hour.

"Elsa, come here, I must speak with you." My mother said, her voice shaking.

I took one last glance at the frosted windows, then ran over to my mother. I tripped over a plank that stuck out of the ground by an inch.

My mother looked at me anxiously. "Are you alright?"

"Yes... I think I am alright." I said, looking at my skinned knees. I got to my feet, then walked over to her.

My mother looked at me doubtfully. "If you say so... Anyways, I must tell you something. Something that could change the lives of everyone one day."

My brow furrowed. 'What does my mother need to tell me that is so important?'

"You must promise that you will tell no one what I am about to tell you. If you tell anyone, then... then the world could be destroyed. "

What my mother had said next changed my life.

"You are The Heir Of The Crystal. It happens rarely, as only the pure in heart survive wearing it.... well, actually, some that aren't pure of heart can survive wearing it... but they are burdened by it. I used to wear the Crystal of The Heart before I married your father. When I married him, I... I gave up on the Crystal. That proved that I wasn't the one who would stop the evil in the world... I had failed." A tear slid down my mother's face. " But, you are different. The Crystal glows near you. It glows near no one else. You are special. You can save the kingdoms. You will not fail, like I did. I know this is true, as the Crystal speaks to me. It tells me thing that only she knows."

I looked at my mother in awe. "Wow."

My mother shook her head. "I forgot. You are still six. But you will have a remarkable memory one day, so I may as well tell you know so that you can escape sooner. Anyways, Nana will help you remember what I told you. I promise. " She handed a crystal hanging on a silver chain to me. "Protect it with your heart. Only your heart can stop the coldness from spreading."

I put it on.

My fingers raised to the crystal. 'That is when my life changed. Nana took me away that night, to the cabin in the woods. Then a few days later, Obsidian killed my mother, because she had let me go.' I bit my lip. 'It was a long time ago, but... it still hurts. It will never stop hurting. It will never go away, and I don't want it to go away, because that means I would be a monster, incapable of feeling, and I need to feel things. I need to feel love, joy, anger, rejection, because only then will I be human. Only then.'

An owl hooted, breaking the silence.

I looked up. The moon was majestic tonight. The trees branches intertwined in front of the moon; they cast beautifully mysterious shadows on the fresh snow.

I shivered. It was freezing. "I hate winter." I murmured, pushing my gloved fingers trough the snow. "Well, I guess the snow is okay."

I closed my eyes, remembering all the fun times I had had with Jack.

"I'll beat you, silly!" I squealed, rolling up a large snowball.

Jack raised his eyebrows, smirking. "Really?" He flicked his wrist, and a perfectly formed snowman appeared out of nowhere. "Beat you, Princess."

I sighed. "My powers aren't ready, yet."

"I doubt that, Princess." Jack placed his pale hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. "My mother says that my powers endanger everyone. She says I'm not ready, that I still need trained."

Jack laughed softly. "Princess, you were born with ice powers. You don't need trained. And, your powers don't endanger anyone. The only people you spend time with are my dad, your mom, and me."

"Jack, my mother said I am not to use my powers. I could hurt myself."

Jack scoffed. "You won't hurt yourself."

"Really?" My nine year old curiosity getting the better of me.

"Really. Now show me what you can do, girl." Jack punched my shoulder gently.

I rolled my eyes, and shoved him aside. I took a deep breath, then flicked my wrist. My powers surged out of my body painfully...then I blacked out.

I groaned. 'I shouldn't have listened to Jack.' I thought. I opened my eyes, then stood up. I leaned against a tree, looking down at my gloves.

"He sucked some of your powers that day, weakening you." Nana told me, stirring the soup hanging over the fire place.

"He did nothing to me, Nana. He is my friend. Friends don't hurt each other." I protested.

"Some friends do..." Nana's voice trailed off. Shaking her head, she cleared her throat. "You have to wear gloves now. You use them to much now, and you a growing more powerful. You know what happens to use after you use your powers. You get sick, or pass out. And you could kill-" She was cut off by a explosion of whirling winds.

I was shaking with fear and anger. "How dare you. Jack Frost is my friend. HE DID NOT WEAKEN ME! I DO NOT NEED TO WEAR GLOVES. I AM NOT WEAK!!!!" I screamed, the winds howling.

Nana froze, looking at me fearfully. "Please wear the gloves, Elsa."

I looked at my pale hands, then at the gloves. I bit my lip.

Nana gave the gloves to me. "For your mother and father."

I looked to the side, sighed, then put the gloves on. "For my dead parents." I choked out.

I remembered when Nana died... I had only been ten at the time.

I was playing chess with Nana.

"Checkmate!" Nana said, checking my king.

I sighed. "Ok, you've won three of five, which means you are the official winner today." I put my hands under the table and carefully peeled my gloves off. "I'll win tomorrow, however. Why don't you go check the bread?"

Nana nodded, then got up to check the bread.

As soon as she turned her back, I frosted the chess board over. My body shook furiously as my powers left my body. I gripped the chair to keep from falling.

The second Nana had seen the frosted chess board, she had passed out.....and fell into the fire.

'I had tried to save you. I tried to pull you out of the fire, and I did...but it was to late. Your brain had been destroyed. I had frozen it trying to put the fire out.... I only ended up killing you.' I crumbled to the ground, tears streaming down my face. "I killed you."

"You monster!! How could you kill my mother? She was the world to me. THE WORLD. Yet you killed her. Why? Why?" Rylan grabbed my wrist, twisting it so that I screamed in pain.

"It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill her! Killing is wrong. I know that. It is not something..." My voice trailed off as Rylan raised a dagger. "No, please." I whispered, my voice hoarse.

M other hand shot out as he brought down the dagger, and my icy powers hit him square on the chest. He froze over instantly.

I gently removed my wrist from the frozen Rylan's grip. I gasped as my powers surged back into my body. I fell to the ground, clutching my heart.

'I have killed two people in my entire life, that I know of. I may have killed somebody else without knowing. I am not pure of heart, Mother. I failed you. I am so sorry.' I cried. 'Then I have been meeting with Jack once a week....'

A stick cracked behind me.

I looked over my shoulder, then got up. I faced Jack Frost. "Hello." I said, my voice breaking.

The tall, handsome teenager ducked under a branch, then took my gloved hands in his. "What's wrong?" He asked, looking into my eyes.

I looked away, my face flushed. "Nothing."

"Yeah, right."

"Well, its none of your business." I looked back at him angrily.

Jack let go of one of my hands, and stroked my cheek. "You sure you don't want to tell me? This is my last visit anyways. My father found out that I was sneaking out to meet with you, and he threatened to kill me if I didn't stop."

"He won't kill you, crazy." I murmured.

"He killed your parents and my step-mother" He brought his face to my ear. "Anyways, I figured that I have to stop spending time with a weak girl."

I gasped. "What happened?"

"I changed, Princess. I made bad choices, befriending the weak kid."

"And what makes me weak?" I growled as he took my hand again.

Jack looked in my eyes, his eyes hard. "You have emotions. That weakens you."

"No, it makes me strong." I snapped.

Jack's eyebrows raised. "But...you fear, Princess. You said that you were scaring of killing someone else. You admitted the other night that you sometimes that your emotions make you feel weak. My father saw what emotions do to you. They are the reason why your father died. He was too concerned about both you and the Crystal..thus resulting in his death."

I shook my head. "No. His emotions made him stronger. He cared about his people and me. He loved me."

"Love? A meaningless four lettered word. That's what it is."

I gasped. "You have a soul of ice. Your soul has been frosted over."

"Princess, you just can not see that it's a good thing that it has been frosted over. Because if it wasn't, then I would be just as weak as you." Jack enunciated.

"Go away! Stop filling my head with lies!"

"Try and make me." He smirked, tightening his grip on my hands.

I winched as his nails dug into my hands. "You are a monster." I growled. I pulled one of my hands out of his.

I brought my gloved fingers to my mouth, and carefully took the gloves off. I blasted an icy blast at Jack. He let go of my hand, falling backwards.

I ran into the woods away from him, ripping off my other glove. I dodged the low hanging branches. I felt something ram into me and knock me out. 

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review Review · Mar 25, 2018

Heyo, Dreaming! I'm here for a quick 1am review! Let's get started, shall we?

With the main character's name being Elsa and Jack being Jack Frost, that leads me to believe that some inspiration was heavily drawn from Rise of the Guardians and Disney's Frozen. This isn't a bad thing! However, if you ever plan to get this published, then you might have to file off the serial numbers. Jack Frost is the personification of wind and ice outside of the movie, so you're good there. However Elsa, with her ice powers and need for gloves to conceal them, is pretty recognizable as Disney property. This is just something to keep in mind!

Another thing to keep in mind is that italics and bold (or bitalics, if you will) is really harsh on the eyes. Flashbacks are usually shown by using just italics, so I would suggest switching over to that.

This work suffers from lack of varied sentence structure. In the beginning flashbacks, it is a bunch of "I did this", "I did that", "my mother did this", etc. Basically, the order is subject, verb, object. It's not a bad order, but it can get repetitive and leads to clunky writing. Don't feel bad about changing it up! Varied sentence structure can really aid with helping your prose flow well.
Here's a good article explaining what I mean: https://thewritelife.com/vary-sentence-structure/

My mother looked at me anxiously.
My mother looked at me doubtfully.

Instead of using an adverb, I would describe the look on the mother's face. What does anxiety look like? What does doubt look like? How do her facial features come together? Adverbs aren't evil, but sometimes it's good to use more description instead of a shorthand.

A lot of Elsa's thoughts in the non-flashback scenes seem forced. I don't really envision someone consciously thinking that way -- or subconsciously thinking that way, for that matter. The exposition is unnatural. It's needed information, but it's given in such a weird way that it's hard to process.

Now to the description of the moon. While that landscape does look beautiful, putting a link into your story isn't really the best practice. It can be really beneficial to take that link and then try to describe it (the glowing moon casts it light on the snow-dusted surface) compared to just dropping the link in your story. If this gets published one day, then I highly doubt the reader would want to click on a link. They'll want to hear from you, the author.

 I AM NOT WEAK!!!!"

I'd advise only a maximum of three exclamation marks. Also, I would personally remove the underline--it detracts from the impact of her outburst. In addition to that, I would invert "weak" so that it's normal text instead of bold and italics. Inverting for emphasis is common practice for flashbacks.

Why don't you go check the bread?"
Nana nodded, then got up to check the bread.

This is repetitive

The second Nana had seen the frosted chess board, she had passed out.....and fell into the fire.

I can believe her passing out, but since the room wasn't described, it feels a bit sudden that she fell into the fire. The fire hadn't even been previously mention. I would advising editing this scene and maybe setting up the description a little bit more. Mention the crackling of the fire and how the hearth was open, maybe even note the lack of fireguard.

"He won't kill you, crazy." I murmured.
"He killed your parents and my step-mother" 

How does she not know that?

He was too concerned about both you and the Crystal..thus resulting in his death."

That's a really passive way of saying that his dad killed her dad.

I gasped. "You have a soul of ice. Your soul has been frosted over."

The repetition of "soul" feels awkward. Saying "I gasped" makes it feel non-genuine.

I ran into the woods away from him, ripping off my other glove. I dodged the low hanging branches. I felt something ram into me and knock me out. 

Nice ending!

The writing feels a bit weak in some parts, but the story definitely has potential. With a bit of polishing, I think that this could really shine. If you have any questions or comments, then free free to let me know! I'm always here to help!

-E

User avatar
maishaywca
Review
maishaywca wrote a review Review · Mar 24, 2018

Hi there!

Is this the story of Disney princess Elsa??

Nevermind. It was good. Its high time since I read this kind of fairy tale.
I would be happy to know who Nana was. First I thought her to be a man. Then I understood.
Otherwise, the story was awesome. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Please do give a description of Jack's father and elsa's father.

Keep it up!

User avatar
MarkieBee Comment
MarkieBee commented Comment · Mar 9, 2018

A modern day Grimm fairy tale. Has a lot of of promise to becoming a good story

Thank you so much!

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SnowGhost
Comment
SnowGhost commented Comment · Mar 9, 2018

Could you tag me please?

I... am not sure I understand???
I am sorry, I'm just new.

Don't be sorry :) What I'm asking is that when you post the next chapter please tag me by typing @snowmonkey9 . That way I will get a notification saying you tagged me in your next chapter so I can read it :)



I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
— William Shakespeare