Prologue
He brushed his way past the high-ranking, formally attired officials; as if they were little children in a crowd that was in his way. To him, they might as well have been insignificant little children. The only thing that differed from them and children, apart from their age, was that they were all in suit and tie, with specially made buttons and cufflinks. He, in sore contrast, wore clothes that seemed extremely casual; a t-shirt and jeans. His hair was brushed back neatly. He had an earpiece in his ear.
He was in a large building, nearly fifteen floors high, that was the former headquarters of the C.I.A. Now, it was home to the American Wartime Intelligence Collection Agency, also known as the AWICA. A long name for an otherwise simple organization.
Though, “simple” was a word seldom used when discussing the organization.
At its simplest, it was nothing different than the C.I.A. But with further investigation, it could be considered quite different. Unlike the C.I.A, the AWICU was used primarily during the wartime and rarely used during maritime. Their agents were trained in self-defense and the use of force, rather than using subtlety.
Their headquarters wasn’t just a place to house and train agents, however. Many conferences about the newly began war took place there. Officials would gather in what they called the “Council Room” to discuss the war’s various issues.
He was headed there now. It was at the end of the corridor that he was currently strolling through. The Council Room was behind a thick, metallic door with a myriad of locks and keypads. And, in case that wasn’t enough, it was guarded by armed agents.
He arrived in front of the guarded door and was confronted by one of the soldiers. “I.D. please?” the soldier ordered. His voice seemed to be firm with only a crack of subordination.
“’Course,” the man replied, as he dove his hand into his left pocket. He fumbled his hands through old candy wrappers, crumpled pieces of paper and rounds of ammunition, until he felt the rectangular plastic of his identification cards. He took it out of his pocket and handed it to the soldier.
The soldier grabbed it from his hands and held it to his eyes. He put it up to the light, as if he was assessing a crisp dollar bill. “James Christen?”
“That would be me.” At that, the soldier tossed it back to Mr. Christen. The soldier spun on his heel to face the door and punched a fifteen digit code into the keypad. How guards remembered codes as long as that, Mr. Christen didn’t know. Nor did he want to. The soldier across from him pushed down on the handle and swung the door open. It seemed that one soldier was organized and careful, while the other was careless. He’d have a talk with the reckless one.
Mr. Christen stepped into the Council Room. It wasn’t a simple room, nor was it very complex. There was a long, rectangular table lined with chairs at the side. The table was, seemingly, made of mahogany. Fine sanded mahogany, at that. Paintings of various historical figures, ranging from George Washington to the current president, Josh McKinley, were hung along the black walls. The only thing that decorated the rather plain wall, apart from the paintings, was a white border, lining the bottom edge of the wall. As well as the pillar-like columns in between each of the paintings.
Mr. Christen chose the seat by the far left corner of the room. At that point, many other officials stepped in, dressed similarly as those who were in the hallways outside. Each of them took a seat and sat there silently, not daring to speak to one another. Their gazes weren’t steady and they could be seen darting their eyes around. They seemed nervous. Mr. Christen thought that this meeting wouldn’t be pleasant.
But were there ever pleasantries in his life?
The monotonous and repetitive sound of rubber soles against the marble floor could be heard, as a man decorated with an assortment of medals stepped in. After he passed through the metal frame of the door, the soldiers outside slammed it shut. The reckless one again, thought Mr. Christen. The decorated man took a seat at the farther head of the table and cupped his hands atop the surface.
After a moment of silence, the decorated man spoke. “Why do you think you’re here, gentlemen?” His voice was confident and gruff. There was no sign of subordination in his voice. Even Mr. Christen was struck with fear.
It was a good length of time before any of the others spoke. The one sitting across from Mr. Christen, a man in a black suit, finally did. “To talk about the war crisis?”
“Yes. To talk about the war crisis.” Mr. Christen wasn’t sure of the decorated man’s name, but he was sure he’d find out during this meeting. “As you all must know, our country’s financial infrastructure is in a slump, as most of the funds have gone to the war effort.” At that, they heard a knock at the door; the resounding pound of a fist on metal.
“General McClain,” called the voice of the organized soldier outside. So that was his name: McClain.
“What is it?”
“The Chief Spymaster has arrived.”
“He’s late,” the General said. “Tell him to come in.” The door swung open. The reckless one again. Inside, stepped a “building” of a man, having to duck his head to enter the room. He wore a black suit, but was decorated just as varied as the General.
McClain stood up, pushing the chair back behind him, and stepped his way to the Spymaster. The General stood at the Spymaster’s shoulder. He looked up at the man towering above him and held out his hand. The Spymaster took it and shook it. “So good of you to join us, Spymaster Johnson.”
Johnson… Mr. Christen inserted that name into his collection. He knew he’d need it later. As they shook hands, they glared one another in the eyes. Something told Mr. Christen that there was some bad blood between these two. Or maybe it was just a friendly rivalry.
The general walked back to the head of the table and took a seat in the chair he was previously sitting in. The Spymaster took a seat opposite, if you could call it that; opposite was about seven feet away, to him.
As if by some silent signal, the General resumed the conversation of war. “Despite the fact that the war has hung in the air for a while, I’m sure the great majority of you have no true knowledge of it. The public doesn’t know the whole thing.”
The General continued after a moment. “So, you’re here today to discuss the truth. A truth far deeper than what you may think you know.”
The Spymaster stood from his chair and looked to the general. “I’ll take over now, McClain.” Before he spoke, the Spymaster looked around at the unsure faces looking back at him. “We are at war with an organization of radical extremists. The public believes that it’s merely terrorism. But it’s something greater. They’re serving under a man whom they believe speak to their ‘God’, whatever that god may be.” He paused, so the rest of them could retain all the information just thrown at them. “This ‘divine’ man has led his followers into what the public is correct about; terrorism. They’ve confronted our American soldiers numerous times, having said to kill them first, and then mutilate their bodies. They’ve acquired weaponry and munitions nearly equal to what we have. They’ve been stealing from neighboring first-world countries in small raids.
The man next to Mr. Christen spoke. “Have they acquired any sort of bombs?”
“From the intelligence we’ve gathered, we’ve seen that, yes, these terrorists have their hands on multiple bombs. Bombs that could theoretically destroy an entire city in a matter of seconds. They’re our first priority.”
McClain spoke again. “Any questions?” The room fell silent. “Good! Dismissed.”
The officials stood up and walked out, all of them discussing the contents of the meeting. The Spymaster called for Mr. Christen.
Mr. Christen stepped up to the Spymaster and looked into the eyes. The Spymaster looked back and spoke. “We need you for a mission.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
As I've mentioned before, you can't go wrong with secret agents. Especially ones involved in a Wartime Intelligence Collection Agency. Awesome-sauce. Anyway, this is my first review on this website, so please bear with me and take pity on my inexperience. Thank you.
Well, on with the show, as they say in the movies.
I take issue with the semi-colon in this sentence - it makes the sentence read awkwardly, and feels unnecessary, in my humble opinion. The next thing I take issue with is the third sentence, oddly. I keep going back to, "the only thing that differed them from children..." It reads, to me, along with the previous sentences, as strange. Perhaps we could replace the word, "them" to a much stronger noun or phrase, as "them" reads in a passive way.
Also, "made", reads weak as well. How about something like, "designed"? As what I'm getting from the beginning, (and this paragraph in general), is that this is a secret organization. Words mean a lot, and since that's the vibe I'm getting, that's the word I associate with it. Those buttons and cufflinks must mean something, however, if they haven't a purpose, please ignore that section of nitpicking.
You know, ever since my mother yelled at me for using too many adverbs for my English papers, I've been on the look-out for them. I try to find as many as I can, and chop them up into little bitty bits. Here, you have two. The ones I highlighted. Delete them from your draft, and see if the meaning of the sentence stays the same. If you find it does, leave it that way, if you find that the meaning of the sentence does not quite make sense as it did before, reintegrate those adverbs back into your draft. Believe me, like in golf, less is more in writing. Or so I've been told.
You also have an opportunity here to describe what sort of hair our hero has. Is it brown, black, blonde; does he have thin hair, thick hair, a receding hair-line? It'd give us a clue on his age, as well. Furthermore, I feel like the sentence, "He had an earpiece in his ear", should be tied in with the previous one. I feel two short sentences in a row, when there needn't be, comes off as redundant. However, that is just my personal opinion.
Hmm, this paragraph seems a bit too quick for my tastes. Drawl it out a little; this is your beginning, your shining moment - delve deep into your world and your character, and see through his eyes. See only what he sees, not what you know is there. For instance, perhaps your character hears footsteps on the tile floors in this building, maybe he walks into an elevator with fifteen buttons to different floors.
Ooh, we delve into the mysterious! Ahem. Now I'm confused. You had me believing that your story took place several years into the future, and now since you've implied the C.I.A is still active, I'm wondering differently. Earlier on, you made me think that the CIA had been disbanded for the formation of the AWICA. Also, maybe the end information could be sprinkled throughout the novel. I know, nitpicking, but I feel like it's unnecessary. Delete it.
I would delete the first paragraph. I find it unnecessary at this time in the story. And if you do end up deleting that paragraph, you can add more detail within the second. You can rearrange (and add) words in that paragraph to help it make sense as well. You can delete the last sentence, too. As you're just telling me that there are armed guards near the door, in the next paragraph, you can show them standing there. Just add a little more detail.
I would change, "the soldier ordered", to "he ordered." Since we already know he's a soldier, (and we have a pretty good idea he's going to speak first) it seems redundant. With the second piece of the dialogue, I would remove the comma between the 'as' and 'replied.' Why? It smooths out the sentence. Speaking of smoothing out sentences, I see a little space where you can tighten the paragraph even further. In the second sentence, I find a lot of unnecessary words. First off, does our hero have a set of identification cards, or just one? Usually, they have one card; but a different type is used for each level of security clearance. Second, the word "through" doesn't fit in the context of the sentence. Something along the lines of "passed" would do just fine. There also should be a comma between the words "paper" and "and", since you're listing several things that are in his pocket.
"Assessing" in the first paragraph, though it shows excellent vocabulary and word variety, I would choose another more simplistic word while in this context. Also, referencing the identification card as, "it", reads in an awkward way. Perhaps it would be best if you mention the card again. In the second sentence in that paragraph, I would add the word "then" in there to clarify that after the soldier tossed back the card did he turn around to punch in the code. Additionally, how do we know the other soldier is careless? Unless I've been careless, myself. And when you reference that particular trait by using the word "reckless." Although, again, it shows word variety, I believe it would read much better without it. Try something simple, like, "He'd have a talk with that one."
Delete the word, "very", in the first sentence. Also, "seemingly", in the second. Avoid the use of that third sentence by tying it in to the second. In addition, the use of the words, "historical figures" is very broad. As they're in what seems to be a military building, that could mean a great many things. Such as generals, or who commands the building and/or organization. If the portraits are of the presidents, don't use such a wide statement. In the last sentence, you've taken it apart from the last when it needn't be. A full stop in that area separates two sentences describing the same thing unnecessarily.
In the second sentence, I would exchange the adverb "similarly" for something such as "...dressed in the same manner as those who were in the hallways outside." Personal opinion: switch around "hallways" and "outside", so that the latter is in front of the former. "Each of them..." sounds like it should be "They each took a seat, and sat there without saying a word (as I can't stand the use of unnecessary adverbs)." In the next sentence, you shift into the present tense when you can easily remain in the past. And the last sentence, "Mr. Christen though that this meeting wouldn't be pleasant." Try adding a bit of detail, such as any body movements Mr. Christen made when he realized this wouldn't be a pleasant meeting. Give me some emotions, rather than plain description.
I would take that first sentence, and axe it.
In the second paragraph, first sentence, take the "as" and make it an "and." It's unnecessary, although colorful, but unnecessary.
In the first patch of dialogue, I can see you're relating the decorated man to the soldier, but clarify that - make it absolutely clear. Also, show just how Mr. Christen was struck in fear.
I wouldn't mention the fact that Mr. Christen didn't know the decorated man's name; leave it in suspense for just a little while longer.
If you're not going to change the wording of the last patch of dialogue, I would suggest moving it to its own paragraph, to separate it from the dialogue.
In the first paragraph, "The General stood at the Spymaster's shoulder", that sounds a little vague. Explain how tall the Spymaster is in more detail. And, "The Spymaster took it and shook it", it kind of rhymes. Not good, in this sense. Vary the words here, like you did before, to avoid this sort of awkward reading.
In the second paragraph, one of the main problems I have with it is the beginning. The three little dots. I would suggest placing the name, "Johnson", in quotation marks and italicizing it to place emphasis. After all, these are Mr. Christen's thoughts, differ them from actual narrative. Again, this is a bad place to "tell" about the General and the Spymaster, when you can have more fun showing what happens. I mean, telling has its place in every story, and it takes a balance of both to create an excellent one. However, in this case, I don't think it'd fit.
In previous paragraphs, you capitalize the word, "general." Why not do this in the first paragraph, for the sake of consistency?
In the second paragraph, (believe it or not, I have no qualms with the first. Way to go, boss!), you use the word "looked" twice, when a perfectly good word is available. Glanced. I love "glanced." You've done a considerable job with vocabulary in this story so far, don't let me down now.
I would like the man next to Mr. Christen described a bit more. But that's just a silly, old pet peeve.
The short sentence, "McClain spoke again." should be after he speaks, for added clarification.
In the next paragraph, add more detail, more description. I want to feel like I'm there, and it's just not getting through with sentences like those.
Here we have the "looked" again. We must destroy those "looks." Find another, more suitable verb for what you're trying to convey. Also, the "spoke." Try "said", it'll work better in the context you have set up.
So, there you have it! You've waited long enough, I think. I hope I wasn't too vague or anything. Nevertheless, don't be afraid to give me a shout if you want me to clarify a point or two (or twenty).
Despite my little nitpicks, I really did enjoy this story, and I can't wait to read more. I'm quite interested in this sort of thing, you know. Anyway, good luck!
--Winter
Wow you did a great job there was a strong introduction all though you often repeated the word children there was a pretty nice word variety but I think you could have added a little more it had a great sequence there were grammar errors here and there but over all it was an awesome story with nice dialogue I'm very much looking forward to the next one you are an amazing writer with a great gift
~davalynn
Thanks!
Wow. I enjoyed this.
Spymaster^^so cool, good job on that) and the general. Everything perfectly fits to the military and serious ambiant, including the mental remarks of Christen (love the one with the reckless soldier DURING the meeting).
as for the way this prologue ends? I can't find anything better to thrill the reader, especially in that particular atmosphere (I'm repeting myself, but I believe it's necessary). "We need a mission for you". Wow. love it. Especially knowing that the Spymaster (again, LOVE this title) is the one saying it. It just sounds perfect to me.
First of all, I think you should use other vareties of words (that only applies for the beginning), such as the repetition of the word "children". However you did a magnificent little intro with this comparison.
there were a few grammar error here and there that made me stop for a second in order to understand better (is it the AWICA or AWICU?), but overall I perfectly understood this prologue of yours.
To me it sounds more like a chapter one beginning more than a prologue, but anyway I'm really looking forward for the next part, because this seemed interesting.
Mr.Christen sound like a deep character, the dude who's cynical and sarcastic (your comparisons showed that to me) because of a dark backstory. That's the general impression I had for him, and I must say I am quite impressed that you perfectly manage to make the impression of your character with the general atmosphere of your "will be revised" title, and general ambiant of the prologue itself.
It might sound basical, I mean duh of course it is needed to have a character fitting with the enviroment he's on, but it really depends on what you have in mind for your story, and what you have in mind for your characters as well.
Miltary ambiant. Subordination. A general appears, with an imperial aura. You even manage to represent hostility between the Spymaster (love that title
And from the beginning to the last sentence, your narration style. I certainly enjoyed it so far, and I hope you'll keep it because it sounds awesome
Overall, a few grammar mistakes, awesome narrating, and good piece of work: there's lots of potential in there, keep it up!
~Shell Master Tortwag~
Thanks for the review! But where, exactly, are the grammatical mistakes?
The introduction to the prologue seems a little dull I love the analogy regarding the men being like children perhaps you could build a bit more on that. Your sentence variety is nice too! "He brushed his way past the high-ranking, formally attired officials; as if they were little children in a crowd that was in his way." I'd take out the semicolon and change was to were to make the whole sentence past tense. I like the idea you have going here. Good work and good luck!
Thanks!