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S T A R R Y D A Y S

by Dreamery


[summertime stargazing]

You remind me of summer nights

rife with lightning storms and lightning bugs

that caress us with butterfly kisses when it's

pouring down on us.

Summer nights remind me of one chance,

a few fingers floating too close to one another,

a few stars that fell to Earth during a meteor shower.

[magnificent views]

You remind me of valleys

that roll and toss during tempests

that crash and crash and crash

and crash against the precipice.

Walking across water until I slip

and fall into a body that will take me

into an abysmal darkness,

a drowning envelope.

[our early days of astronomy]

You remind me of constellations

that stretch beyond the human imagination,

because there was a point during which

you would talk about wildfires.

Take me away,

I want to be with the sky.

I want to be with the scars.


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624 Reviews


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 1:16 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Creamery! Casanova here to do a review for you!

To start off with I would like to say that I love this poem, and I appreciated the message behind it. Anyway, to the review!

I'll be taking this section by section.

[summertime stargazing]

You remind me of summer nights

rife with lightning storms and lightning bugs

that caress us with butterfly kisses when it's

pouring down on us.


I rather like these lines. They're the strongest out of the poem, and really hold the imagery together. I can feel what you're trying to say, and it fits perfectly.

Summer nights remind me of one chance,

a few fingers floating too close to one another,

a few stars that fell to Earth during a meteor shower.


Although I understand what the last two lines are trying to say, they don't really fit with the previous lines. And I feel like you could do without this entire stanza and not lose a thing, because it's so vague.

[magnificent views]

You remind me of valleys

that roll and toss during tempests

that crash and crash and crash

and crash against the precipice.


I didn't enjoy the valley description here. I get what you was trying to say, but it seemed tasteless compared to the previous lines.

Walking across water until I slip

and fall into a body that will take me

into an abysmal darkness,

a drowning envelope.


I really like these lines. They're strong and powerful, and really hold up to the imagery in the first stanza.

[our early days of astronomy]

You remind me of constellations

that stretch beyond the human imagination,

because there was a point during which

you would talk about wildfires.


These lines seemed like they were just to continue on with the poem. I would suggest trying to put emphasis on them, and throw away the wildfire line.

Take me away,

I want to be with the sky.

I want to be with the scars.

These are really good lines, and I believe they share the thoughts of the rest of the poem and really are genuine. Congrats and props, I did the best I could with this review.

Your friend, Casanova




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Sat Nov 26, 2016 5:08 pm
gingerbeardsan wrote a review...



Hmmmmmmm

Okay,

I had a few different thoughts come to me while reading.

First,

The structure is neat, I like it when poems are displayed in an unconventional orientation. Not sure if it effects the overall poem to have it this way but I have no complaints.

I couldn't help feel like the over all message was extremely not of this earth. The beginning talks about love while looking into the nights summer sky. This had an impact for me personally as a reader and I'm sure many other readers can relate.

The second verse was a bit more dismal and made me think of a different subject all together, not sure how this mixes with the first verse.

By the third verse I was a little lost but I think I get the message. There is hurt and pain in the words and I do relate with them. You put something in words without telling the reader and that is a hard thing to do.

Good job and keep up the work!




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Sat Nov 26, 2016 4:09 am
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. this is Kman134 here with a review.

I really liked the first stanza. mainly because elf the imagery and the simile, comparing someone as the summer nights, feeling their kisses and touches as lightning storms and lightning bugs.

the emotional tone was downright perfect. It sounded romantic and nostalgic, especially this quote:

"Take me away,

I want to be with the sky.

I want to be with the scars."

I'm unsure what the "scars" mean. is it rough love, or something else?

Anyway, it's pretty good and very enticing. I hope to read more.




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Sat Nov 26, 2016 12:38 am
Lumi wrote a review...



Stanza two, beginning with a potential "Those" for flow, changing "meteor" to "comet" for the same reason (breath's sake).

Stanza three, give mind to the rule of threes and experiment with your crash/crash/crash/crash and see if you like the flow better when reduced. I think there are better ways to go about it, even incorporating line breaks more efficiently to break the momentum for more of the pounding impact. "Precipice" is tricky on the tongue and takes breath; I'd rather see 'cliff face' or something that carries the hard c of the crashes before it.

I'd have a refrain of "You remind me of" for stanza four before you go into walking on water for flowsake, again. I'm unsure about 'envelope' as a word choice. Experiment here and find what takes you deeper into the feeling of depth and being absorbed.

Stanza five is beautiful, but the wildfires don't exactly connect??? I want them to! I really want them to! But I think you need to set up a motif earlier on associated with the narrative you in the poem to make the wildfires work as an image and lyric.

And then finally there's the final ache you leave us with, the stanza that is a whispered end that is a very soft knife between the ribs, but at the same time misses the vital organs ever-so-slightly because the imagery of scar tissue or injury hasn't been exactly established beforehand, and I want this to work so badly. It already makes me ache, but it makes me afterwards wonder WHY it makes me ache, and that's not good. It's the reason I had to come to you and ask for the confirmation of non-typo.

Altogether this piece is so promising it's brilliant, but it definitely needs tender love and care in each stanza. Read and edit and share and let me know when you do because I want more of this.

You just got yourself a follower.
Ty




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Fri Nov 25, 2016 10:05 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review on this precious little BABY.

[summertime stargazing]

You remind me of summer nights

rife with lightning storms and lightning bugs

that caress us with butterfly kisses when it's

pouring down on us.


The first stanza is probably most interesting because of its imagery. I like the start with the usage of brackets and how it sets up for the rest of the stanza. The only problem with that I really have with it is that in this first stanza there isn't really stargazing inside of it which is something that I think would go along with the images you already have here, which brings me to my next point. The imagery is vague, at least my opinion, not in the sense that it's not good at describing, we just don't know what exactly it's describing about the summer nights. The other thing is the lack of punctuation here and I suggest you add some here to better the flow.

Summer nights remind me of one chance,

a few fingers floating too close to one another,

a few stars that fell to Earth during a meteor shower.


The main problem I have here is still the vagueness of the lines, but I think that kind of adds something. The last line doesn't really fit with the other two and the only interpretation I could think of for the first two lines is the chance of romance happening. I thought that the poem plays out beautifully with those lines and they were strong, but the last makes it fall flat.

Something that I wanted to bring up was the interpretation of the poem. It's loose and it gives the reader room to put their feet in the shoes of the poem. This could be a strength if you give the poem more of a guide on the theme and how the poem is supposed to be interpreted, but the bit of vagueness is nice, especially when some poems are shoving the theme down your throat. With this, I want you to create more of an experience, because that's what the poem felt like for me. Create the atmosphere of the poem with sensory details and metaphors.

The end of the poem is an ending to the poem. It's nothing too special but I did want to bring up your choice of having "scars" in the last line instead of "stars". I was interested in this choice of yours and I want to know why you did that or if it has any special meaning to it that the reader isn't getting. There was a lack of astronomy/astrology imagery in some parts of the poem, but I think it all fits together. The only part that really feels like it was built in a different fragment was the stanza of tempests. The power that you give to your lines is something that I admire because it makes the lines read strong and gives a stronger emotional connection.

You rocked my socks off for the most part, I hope I helped and have a great day!




Dreamery says...


I offer you several THANKS!



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Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:31 pm
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey Dreamery,

So glad I get to review this first!

First Impressions: I know you were freaking out about this one, but I think it's great. True poetry. Perhaps not a Freud or Emerson, but it's up there.

Positives:

You remind me of valleys

that roll and toss during tempests

that crash and crash and crash

and crash against the precipice.


Usually I hate it when someone repeats themselves a lot, especially in poetry. But the fact that it's on purpose, and there's a very strong emphasis on that one word, crash, it actually works. There's a lot of emotion that comes out of it, obviously, and I feel very torn with loving it and hating it. Nice job there.

because there was a point during which

you would talk about wildfires.


So, the random jump from one topic to another, seemingly unrelated one, is brilliant, because it forces you to think. And on this one, you actually have open your mind and let the creative juices flow. No idea what you as the writer was thinking, but I get out of it that the lover would talk a lot about the arguments that they'd had, and not necessarily as a bad thing. I remember back to some of those little skirmishes that I've fought with friends and family, and we usually find that they only served to strengthen our relationship.

Interesting choice.

Negatives:
into an abysmal darkness,

a drowning envelope.


For some reason this ending of the stanza seems a little early and abrupt, as well as a little week. Like, fluffy.... My meaning is that you use some heavy language, "abysmal darkness," and then follow it up with "envelope." It's just sort of unfitting for the previous line.

My only thoughts of something that could make it better are something like, "a drowning that envelopes me."

But that's a weak shot.

Overall: Quite enjoyed it. You've done a great job of creating something original, even with your formatting here, and it's fresh and nice.

I give it:
ImageImageImageImage


Joseph Henry George




Dreamery says...


Thank you! Many thanks, much appreciated, [insert other formalities here]!




Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.
— Enid Bagnold