Written by popular demand. It needs lots and lots of work. I'm not sure yet if I like where I'm going with it. Tell me if you like the plotline so far, if it's something you want to read more of.
Chapter 1
Amelia peered out the enormous foggy window. Gray clouds peppered the sky, and rolling hills were sprinkled with trees.
She leaned her forehead on the cool glass and closed her eyes. Images raced through her mind and there was no slowing them down.
She wanted a break from thinking. But thinking wasn’t something you took a break from. Thinking was something you had to do if you wanted to be a “person.” Amelia didn’t know anyone who didn’t think, except her Uncle Fred who had been in a coma for six years.
She smiled a bit at the memory of Uncle Fred. He was the family joke, sadly enough. His wife, Clara, refused to take him off life support. Amelia considered the whole thing ridiculous. The poor man should at least be allowed to die without becoming the butt of her family’s lame attempts at humor.
“Mel?”
Amelia opened her eyes slowly.
“Mel? Are you awake?”
Amelia turned around in the window seat to face Laurie.
“Your mother wants to know what you’ve decided about the ball.”
Amelia looked around the room. It was spotless, but to her it may as well have been covered in a layer of dust and grime for all the memories it contained. She sighed.
“Yes, Laurie. Tell my mother yes.”
Laurie beamed, but frowned quickly when Amelia turned back to the window.
“Mel? Oh, Mellie come on. This is ridiculous. You have every reason in the world to be the happiest girl alive.”
Amelia looked at Laurie, her gray eyes hard and cold. “I said I would go,” she said harshly to Laurie, who winced. “Didn’t I?”
“Yes, miss,” Laurie muttered, bowing her head. “I just meant… well you didn’t seem particularly happy about it and I…” Laurie faltered when Amelia turned to look at the window again. She took a deep breath and continued, “It just seemed like you were only saying yes because it’s what your mother wants.” She said all this in one breath, her words tumbling out like clumsy bricks banging together and chipping edges.
Amelia continued to stare out the window. One who didn’t know better might have assumed that she was simply trying to block out what Laurie was saying.
After a few awkward seconds, Laurie turned to leave the room, the door creaking a lonely goodbye.
Once alone, Amelia rested her head on the cool window pane, pretending that the beads of condensation trickling down her cheeks were tears.
~
“You look marvelous,” Shima pressed her palms together and gazed in adoration at Amelia’s beautiful figure. “I have finally found someone to wear this dress. You know how many people have tried this on? So many, I cannot count. You have such grace, such elegance. You must choose this one.”
Amelia stepped down from the platform without so much as looking at herself in the mirror and started taking off the dress.
Shima’s brow furrowed worriedly. “Do you not like it?”
Amelia shook her head. “No, it’s fine.”
Shima looked at Amelia’s mother. “She’ll take it, Shima, thank you so much. It’s perfect.”
Amelia turned around to let the assistant unzip her and rolled her eyes. “Her mother loved to put words in other people’s mouths.
“Amelia,” her mother hurriedly followed her into the dressing room. “Amelia, darling, what’s the matter?”
Amelia whirled to face her mother. “Since when have you given a damn about my well-being?”
Amelia’s mother recoiled as though she had been slapped. “Why, Mellie, I, I only--”
“You’re disgusting,” Amelia spat. “You’re nothing but a lying, cheating sniveling old woman. You pretend to be my mother. You pretend you care what happens to me. You pretend you want me to marry for love.”
Laurie had appeared in the doorway of the dressing room. She stood there, silent, like a sentinel waiting for an attack.
Amelia’s mother looked horrorstruck. She clutched at her chest, heaving dry sobs that refused to become tears. “Amelia,” she gasped hoarsely. “Amelia, please.”
“Amelia,” Laurie said calmly. “Amelia, think about this. She’s the best mother you’ve had in years.”
But Amelia had made up her mind. As she stared down at her sobbing, mess of a mother, she gave one last, triumphant smile.
And with a slight jerk of her head, Amelia’s mother keeled over, dead.
~
End of chapter
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hey, I'm Day, and I wanted to pop in and offer my comments. Since everyone else covered the grammer problems I just wanted to tell you what I thought of the piece overall.
One problem a lot of reviewers have is commenting on this chapter as if it was a stand alone story when it isn't. Like them I will say that there was a serious lack of description in terms of setting and character description. The reader does get a feel for the emotions and personality of Amelia, but there wasn't much of a physical description. Now that isn't such a big deal since it is only the first chapter although there was a problem with the setting. The only thing you gave in terms of descriptions of the setting was the first paragraph which was nice, but no where near enough. Obviously the general settings can be explained in future chapters, but you could have included a bit more in terms of the minor locations. An example could be a simple description of her room or the atmosphere in the store where she bought the dress.
Going back to physical description one tip is to use a means through which you can show the reader her appearance and not tell them. You gave yourself an excellent opportunity with the mirror comment. Within that moment you could have used it to show her appearance. As I said it isn't necessary to worry about this so much in the first chapter, but it is a good idea to start working on it within the first few.
Now, In regards to these comments:
If an author explained it all in the first chapter a book would be in ruin.
I do not think it is right when people say what I highlighted in red. Sometimes it really can be too much, but in most cases it really isn't. I like to remember that this is only the first chapter. If someone actually read the chapter they would proceed onto the next chapter. Also it is good to keep the questions very broad in the beginning because it opens up numerous possibilities further on in the novel. Especiallly in the first chapter keeping things broad can attract a reader to continue reading the novel, and it allows you to build much more depth into the characters and plot. Thus in my opinion the way you wrote the chapter was perfectly fine.
1. Work on your descriptions
2. keep writing
3. PM when the next chapter goes up
Hope I helped,
~Day
Hey. Sorry I took so long! I was traveling. (:
When Amelia says, 'No, it's fine' does she mean that the dress is okay but she doesn't want to keep it? I think that might be what you mean, since if Amelia says 'No, it's fine' because she wants to keep it, Amelia's mother wouldn't be 'putting words' into her daughter's mouth then. Make this whole part a little bit clearer.
I think you did a pretty good job continuing this chapter in the same sort of style. Wow, you did a great job with the end of this chapter:
You give the reader so much to think and wonder about. 'She's the best mother you've had in years'? So Amelia doesn't really have a blood-related mother? What happened to her, then? And Amelia's had more than one 'mother', too?
And also, the last line changes the story so much. Great cliff-hanger, of course! Now I'm thinking, is Amelia even human? It's good that you don't give any hints of her being at least special in the whole first part of the chapter.
Great job. Please continue even further! Hope I helped, and keep up the good work-
KD
The ending was absolutely shocking and intriguing! I really want to read more already. However, the beginning was too vague for my taste. I don't know where you plan to go with this but I feel like the beginning has too many loose ends, like the uncle thing, and why is she so upset?
This is not to discourage you or anything because I love your writing and I can't wait to read more, you have the perfect cliffhanger.
LittlePrincess
Wow!
I love the plotline...and the ending has already made me want to read more. The setting and emotions previously evoked allowed for a big, but believable shock - I loved the way you set it up. :3
Can't wait to read the next chapter!
Jess
Wow! What a great ending! It definitely leaves me wanting more!
- This is a great sentence. When I read it, I thought, "What? That's out of the ordinary?" The line is a perfect setup for the kicker in the last line.1. When I first started reading, the setting seemed to be a castle. I'm not sure if "gray" spilled over onto the next sentences, or you may want to explore the setting
2. Don't kill Laurie.
3. If this is a modern setting, I would suggest using "dance" or a similar, less-formal word instead of "ball."
4. This (as a whole) is one of the few passages that I have read which talk about superpowers (for lack of a better word) without seeming cheesy or awkward.
5.
6. In the last line, does Amelia's head or Amelia's mother's head have a slight jerk?
When I review, I use my "key" found in my signature. Refer to that if you are confused with my reviewing
Now, to start...
This is very good chapter. It is a little short, but I was totally into it by the first sentence. I can't wait to read more! You have a great writing style--like I said, it is very sophisticated.
LB