Inquisition Chapter 1 Part 1

by Dragoon120

Published January 14, 2014

12+

In Inquisition

PreviousNext

Chapter 1

It's so quiet...

Why is it so quiet...?

Adriana Fallon takes a deep breath and peers down the long hall. Torches line the length of the bleak, grey stone walls hardly pleasing to the eyes. These unappealing walls stretch on forever, paused only by the few banners or paintings. At the entrance to the hall, guards are vigilant for any possible misfit.

As if they do not know that she herself was one of the best thieves around.

Adriana scowls and exhales her warm breath into the frigid air. The dissolving thick puffs brings her back to why she's in such a bad mood. She dislikes the cold, despises it even. Avron just happens to have really bad winters, almost as bad as the Bitterlands. Not to mention, they're in the royal palace. Adriana has little fondness of the royal line, for reasons she'd rather not to venture into.

Another not so fond topic for the young woman, is that Magic also runs strong in this country, a fact that puzzle even the most educated of scholars. So many problems for one country, and yet she's stuck here.

Adriana is, by blood, both Lander and Avronian. Hypothetically she SHOULD be very resistant to the cold. Alas, she has never had such resistances. The trait seems to have skipped right over her like a stone skipped on water. Adriana, however, is tall and curved in all the places expected of a woman her age in the world of Nevar, and dressed in thick, yet light, clothing. The most showing is her deer-skin coat lined with fur, and high collars that just barely brushes her high cheekbones. There is also thick, grey, cotton trousers tucked neatly into leather boots a bit thicker than she'd prefer if it was not for the unbearable cold.

She runs her thin, elegant fingers through her long, straight raven black hair that reaches just past her shoulder blades and falls easily on her shoulders. Her slightly squared jaw-line, parts to give another wisp of foggy breath in frustration that dissipates just at a straight nose now colored red with the cold. That foggy breath had slipped past red lips, and not even reaching her dark lashed Icy blue eyes that hold no pleasure for her surroundings.

Thick, hardened leather shoulder pads are bared on her shoulders, matching similar elbow pads. She has two belts, one tight around her hips holds two sheathed daggers and various pouches, the second hangs loosely and holds one pouch, four vials of substances only she knows of, and an obviously dwindling coin purse. All surprisingly matching, even for her.

All in all, she's a sight to see, but one dangerous to get near. Not to mention the fact that she has a short fuse, which matches her skills with a blade.

Adriana growls at the waiting and begins another round of pacing. Oh how much she wished to be rid of this place right now! If Seth had not played a decent argument, she would not have come. Okay, maybe she would have, but still. The least they could have done was let her participate in the discussion that would secure the job for them. Sometimes she wonders if they even notice how well she advances in the field of tactics...

Just then, the solid and kindly detailed oak doors swing open in an almost cliché manner. She stares dully at the approaching group and takes notice at how rag-tag their group really was.

The "official" leader is Seth Garrison, an ex-Military man of Avron who had briefly been a city guard before even that. No one could question his experience, being nearly forty and already having more hardships than the most experienced veteran. Adriana and her sister had been quite surprised when he had readily agreed to become traveling mercenaries. Though, most can sum it up that slow town life was not meant for a battle-hardened soldier who had spent most of his life fighting for life or death. Adriana and Alison were just kids when he had found them, but even being the fatherly-figure he was, they knew getting on his bad side was worse than death itself.

The next is Lucas, no last name, just Lucas. He is a strange High-elf with unusual red hair. He stands a good deal shorter than Seth, but so do most elves. It never helped that Seth is also very tall. He's currently covered by a thick grey cloak, but Adriana knows that with one sweep of an arm, he is no meek creature. He is dressed from the neck down in tempered, enchanted, and hardy elvish armor only found worn by the most honored of elves, having been crafted from dragon hide aged for centuries and forged in the Peak Forge at the highest point on Nevar, under a full moon. Every little detail of the armor has made Adriana envious, but she gathers that he had done something endearing to have earned such a set. On his right hip would be his trustily enchanted short-sword, Fang. The silverlite sword a blacksmith's dream. The only other defining points about him is his many pouches, a vine tattoo on his left cheek, and bright green eyes. Other than that, he has the same flawless features of most elves, with a thin noses slightly hooked, high cheekbones, thin jawline and chin, all tied up by thin lips pressed in a thoughtful frown. Not a force to be trifled with, especially since he is a jack-of-all-trades.

Then there's Alison Fallon, Adriana's twin sister. The only difference is that the other sister is dressed brighter, and has loose curls. Not to mention smiles more. The cheery twin, however, looks suspicious with a long wrapped bundle strapped to her back. She also wears thinner clothes than Adriana. Alison is the one who ended up with the cold resistances, sadly, and is the one that accepts her magic. That's right, they both have the ability to see, hear, and speak to magic. Magic is a living, breathing force in Nevar. Despite this, however, it is a very neutral aspect of the world. It is neither good nor bad, it all depends on the adept person whom wields it.

Adriana finds such to be a curse...

The last person who makes an appearance is the high and mighty King Phillip who likes to perch on his comfy throne while certain subjects of his are put through torture. The raven-haired woman holds back a look of anger and stands to attention. Seth gives her a stern look she can fully understand:

Don't screw this up.

Simple, and not easy. Adriana eyes the withering man, his pale skin wrinkled and dark brown hair now streaked heavily with grey. His green eyes, however, still show a certain youth. So much so that she finds it hard to believe that it is the same king that she holds such a strong hatred for. Past that, however, he walks with an air of authority. As any king should. That is something Adriana would find very poor if a king did not. If one is to lead a kingdom, why would it be someone who cannot even convince others that he can?

When they stop before her, Seth speaks.

"We have our job, Adriana. The king's last legitimate son was killed, proving the rumors at the local inns true." The armored man says in his grizzled voice that the twins had grown up with.

Adriana crosses her arms and asks, "So what are we to do? Is there an illegitimate son out there?"

King Phillip sighs, "Exactly so, miss. His name is Dane Lupei, and he works as a street entertainer."

Adriana gives a surprised look at her correct guess as Lucas says, "He was in Sith for a long time, however, so he may be more than a mere street performer."

Alison bobs her head in mutual agreement, " We know all too well that any amount of time spent in the streets of a populated Sith city can change even the most innocent of people. Lead to theft, for example..."

Adriana sends a glower at Alison, knowing for well it was directed at her. The archivist Adriana was sold to when she was younger had spent two long years in Sith, where they stayed in the populated city of Crete. This had influenced the young Adriana into a life of thievery. Of course, Alison was influenced to a shadowed path as well, but she tries not to let it show. Adriana, however, is just fine acting upon her urges to... relieve some wealthy passer by of there ever so burdening coin.

"True enough, but right now he's working in Queens. Said to have a Dreadhound." Seth says in monotone. He never liked the only chaotic city of Avron, seeing as he has been robbed more than once just walking those streets.

Queens is the second largest city in Avron, with the capital, Evergrace, being the overall largest. It is the center of all the crime in Avron, in addition to the trade. Everything that goes in or out of Avron has at least once passed through the hands of a sly merchant, or the Baron, of Queens. Evergrace, despite having a larger population and being the capital, does not have such influence. It has a king though, so it's not cropped out.

Adriana thinks for a bit on the new information, scanning her mind for every street of the unruly city. It's possible that they could find this princeling, but it won't be easy. Just as they are moving, so is their target. It's unlikely that he will stay in Queens forever. The fastest way there is Farloon Pass, but everyone knows bandits lurk along that path. The only other beaten path is the Imperial Highway, a long wall built in the times from when the Imperials lived and tried to defend their kingdoms from the monsters beyond. Now, it is merely a path to travel upon. Though, there have been one or two incidents where someone took a tumble and went splat at the end of the fall.

"If we travel fast enough, along the Imperial Highway, we might get there in time." Adriana says at last, her mind still racing with possible outcomes.

Seth gives her a questioning look, "What? Farloon Pass is the fastest way, so why choose the Imperial Highway?"

Adriana taps her ear three times gently and says in a low voice, "The prince was assassinated, so I doubt no one is listening to us the very moment. Farloon Pass is far to open, easy enough for four unknowns to just... Disappear. The Imperial Highway is crowded, and someone is always watching. Once we leave the path, we have to be on high alert. This princeling is in danger now."

Lucas scans the support beams of the ceiling and the back at the others, "Then we head out immediately."

Seth gives a brisk nod then turns to King Phillip and crosses his arms over his chest and gives a proper Nevarian bow, "We will be on our way, your Highness."

The king nods and they speed walk away to the stables. No, they do not have horses. Adriana only wishes that they did. The stables are just where they have stored their belongings. Having packs while talking with a king is considered improper. The fact that she cares or not, is irrelevant.

Adriana picks up her heavy cloak that hid her pack and quickly puts the pack on to cover up in the at least warmer cloak. The others are less hasty, seeing as she is the only one with a problem with the cold. She inhales deeply, letting the cold, crisp air sting her lungs as she stares at the seemingly empty city below. She exhales slowly, watching the evaporation flood the air. The white, fluffy snow is thick underfoot, and sparkling from the new layer made last night. With the sunrise hitting it just right, she understands why people like winter. Granted, the cold is forever torturing, she can see the beauty. Alison trudges up to her and looks around for Adriana's target, but sees nothing of the sort.

"You know, winter would be great if I was like you," the admiring twin mumbles as she stares at her feet.

Alison rolls her eyes, "You know very well that you are like me, we're twins."

Adriana gives Alison a despaired look, "Do you hear millions of whispers in your head wherever you go? Do you freeze in the mildest of Avron winters? Despite being twins, Alison, I think I drew the short straw. Anyways, I'm a dreary thief who hardly smiles, while you're... Cheerful."

Alison frowns at all the differences listed off by her sister and says, "We just had different experiences, you know that."

Seth comes out of the stables, his full face helmet on, and says, "Well, shall we be on our way?"

Adriana looks at the warrior, then glances at her sister before saying, "Let us get this over with. Our assassin must already be hunting his prey."

"Cheery as always," states Lucas as he hands the thief a water skin.

Adriana shakes her head and begins the long journey, "Murder is not a happy topic, and neither is working for a king who ordered Alison and mine's execution along with several other slaves. Cheery, is not what I would describe my life as. Anyways, Seth is cooking tonight, another reason to be anti-cheery."

Seth huffs, "Well I'm sorry my traditional Avron rabbit stew is not to your standards. I'd like to see you do better with our few provisions!"

Lucas raises an eyebrow, "Seth, she can do better. All of us can."

The warrior then grunts before giving the others the silent treatment. Adriana studies the looming shops, and inns, and simple homes, all layered in ice and snow. Barely a soul trudge the cobblestone streets of Evergrace, all opting to stay by a warm fire or snuggled in familiar beds. Not something Adriana has known since she was seventeen... Ten years ago. Now, she only knows the faint longing of a home with a warm fireplace and familiar bed. Even when Seth had found her and her sister, she had dared not become attached to the feeling for six years... Because she knew without a doubt, that a home was not what lie in her fate. Almost feared it.

Adriana looks at cobblestone streets below her feet and wishes this over already. Her grudge is mild now, after years of tempering it. It is the confronting of the past that makes her so bitter toward the royal line. She doesn't want to open up to the pain she had felt back then. Looking to a king in a plea of help, only for him to order your execution right before you, that is not something a person forgets. Not as a little girl, nor as the woman she is today. Alison, she... Sees the brighter things in life, while Adriana hides behind her tall walls. Not even Seth, the only fatherly figure in their life, can breach it. Only her twin seems to understand Adriana's endless struggle.

"A prince, a dog, and a ragtag mercenary group... What a mixture that will be," states Alison, trying to lighten the mood. It doesn't work.

Adriana hears a gruff reply from Seth, but her mind is elsewhere. She hears whispers, coaxing her toward a path full of many regrets. She dislikes spirits with a passion, them and their endless pestering. The books make it sound simple, but when there are magical being whispering sweet nothings in your ears... You learn that those very books cannot have been written by someone who understands. And it is true, all books that she has read are only written by closed-minded scholars. None were adept, none heard those very sweet nothings she hears every day with no end. They whisper things of an end, a home, her parents, fortune, desire, lust, greed... All things that she opts to ignore, yet they do not go away. Not even Alison has this problem.

"Are they bugging you again?" asks Alison as she walks beside her sister.

Adriana sighs, "I'm bugged by many things right now, but yes. When are they not?"

Alison frowns, "They must want something from you, desperately, for them to forever haunt you."

Adriana sigh and shakes her head, lips pressed tightly together. That is only Alison's theory, but it makes her feel no better. The fact that beings from a spirit realm want anything from her this whole time is... Worrisome... There has never been a mortal the sole attention of this many spirits. Much less one who barely uses her powers...

Seth walks over and nudges Adriana, "Cheer up Adri, try looking on the brighter things of life."

Adriana glowers at Seth and says, "Life is a metaphoric symbolization of every living moment. So far, every living moment of my being here has not been anywhere close to cheerful. So, Seth, if you wish cheerful, you should have raised a different kid."

Even Adriana can tell he's frowning under that bucket, "I also raised you to see that not everyone and every place is like how you had grown up. Adriana, not everyone is out to get you."

Adriana looks at the slowly dying torch at the gates of Evergrace and says, "Yeah, well, no one is out to help me either. I'll scout ahead. Just follow the Imperial Highway, and do not turn around or be led away."

With that, Adriana jogs off, the others not bothering to follow her. They know perfectly well of Adriana's trust issues. They know she doesn't like staying in one place for long, nor discussing her. They also know she just needs to cool off every once and a while. Meeting the king she vowed never to forgive as long as she lived, was not the best move in her case.

Adriana slows down once she is sure that she has some distance between them, and weaves her way through travelers. The Imperial Highway is one of the busiest roads in all of Avron, being the one the connects to nearly every one of them. She uses her swift hands to pluck a bag of apples from a passing cart and eat a rather juicy caramel colored one, a sweet, sugary taste bursting in her mouth. Must be fresh from the Farm Fields, just West of Hamage... She continues her munching, eyeing the people shoving past and crowded flocks. An assassian could be anywhere, but one would not dare kill so openly unless he cares not of dying. This assassian, however, has a target that does not walk this road.

Adriana takes a deep breath and notices a glint of silver armor amongst the crowd. Several lucifers are grouped together, as if on a mission. Her walking becomes forceful, and panic wells up inside her. She herself can hide just fine from the hunters of those that wield magic, but Alison is another story. The twin knows well enough on HOW to avoid them, but the AVOIDING part does not appeal to her. Adriana has enough common sense to know that people like them earn their head in a basket at the chop block. Especially ones that do not conform to their religious ways. Adriana continues walking though, putting on her trading face. They are not looking for her and her sister currently, and Adriana would slaughter anyone who dares to harm her twin. Just a bit of protectiveness, with knives...

Lucifers are a part of the Divine Order, meant to protect and spread religious nonsense. Lucifers themselves are people who sever magic, cutting one off for good. Here is Nevar, magic is sin. To them, magic is the Great Opposer himself, or a major servant of him. Their conclusion: destroy any possibility of people adept like her communicating with it. Adriana despises them. Just because she hates the repercussions that come with her abilities, she does not think any living thing should be denied such things as a person to talk to. Magic is a living thing, it could not choose to be what it is...

'Yet, people fear what they do not understand...' thinks Adriana as she lets out a stuttered breath. Such a thing is how all misconceptions and war has started. Fear, and power...

The only amusing thing she finds from them is teasing them, using small bits of magic then creating some kind of excuse for what he or she saw. Granted, now is not the time. Not to mention, there is about fifteen of them. As good as she is, there's no way she could delude all of them. Much less flee them.

Adriana slinks back through the crowd, not arousing any attention. It is simple, weaving in and out of the crowd, evading notice. All one needs is the practiced skill to become unnoticed... She finds her way to the other, getting surprised responses. They had not expected her back so soon.

"Lucifers are thick on the roads. For reasons which I know not of." Adriana tells them in a hushed tone. She does not want others overhearing.

Alison gives a look that states that she obviously has no interest in hiding from them, but it quickly melts to an understanding look and a short nod. She knows the importance of hiding right now, and the fact that they are about in large groups a little startling. Despite lucifers being a common sight, they are not commonly gathered in more than three at a time. When not in a Cathedral, at least.

Adriana gives her twin a stern look, "Stay away."

She raises an eyebrow, "Doesn't that also apply to you, sister? You're more likely to antagonize them than me."

Adriana doesn't lose her stern expression, "Stay. Away. I mean it, do not leave Seth and Lucas' sides. I'll continue scouting, see if I can get us off the Highway. We need to get to Forlorn Pass."

Seth gives a surprised look, "But you're the one who told us to go along the Highway."

Adriana turns to him, "Yeah, well, now there's danger for Alison and me here. For what ever reason lucifers are here, we must avoid."

They nod and Adriana hesitates before weaving through the crowd, exploring for any exit. It's due time they start this, and hope for good travels. Granted, Adriana hasn't seen a day of travel that there wasn't any trouble.

'So,' Adriana think, 'I suppose we will face trouble head-on.'

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Pompadour
Review
Pompadour wrote a review Review · Feb 26, 2014

Hello there Dragoon120! I saw you'd posted this some time ago, and I was pretty intrigued. So I'm here to review!

But before I get cracking, I need to tell you how much I love, love, love the title! Short and snappy. Nice.


Technical


Quiet...

Why is it quiet...?


OK, to be honest, the beginning was kinda off for me. I mean, this is a thought right? I'd suggest you italicize it. Also, "Quiet..." on its own looks sort of fragmented. Maybe edit it so it reads as "It's quiet..." instead? And if you're going for emphasis in the second line, I'd suggest inserting a subtle "so" in there as well. This is just a suggestion here, and it's how I perceive things. You, as the writer, know best of course! :D



Adriana Fallon takes a deep breath and peers down the long hall, the bleak, grey stone walls hardly pleasing to the eyes. Torches line these unappealing walls, paused only by the few banners or paintings.


The usage of "walls" here seems a bit repetitive. Also, you've already described the walls as "hardly pleasing to the eyes" so calling them "unappealing" again seems a but redundant. Maybe restructure it so it it is't that obvious? If I might make a suggestion, how about something like this?

Adriana Fallon takes a deep breath and peers down the long hall. Torches line the length of the bleak, grey stone walls hardly pleasing to the eyes. These unappealing walls stretch on forever, paused only by the few banners or paintings.


Better? I'm not trying to be harsh here, seeing as how I often make the redundancy mistake myself, and people have pointed that out to me a million times. On a side note, the descriptions you use here are absolutely brilliant. I could literally picture this in my head!



As if they do not know that she herself was one of the bests thieves around.


"bests" should be "best."


She hates the cold, despises it even.


"Hate" and "despise" mean the same thing. Perhaps replacing "hate" with "dislike"? Because you're basically repeating the same idea when you use those two words together.


That's all for the technical stuff!


Digesting information and subtlety

OK, so while this was pretty well-paced as a whole, the middle kinda threw me off. You delved into Adriana's back-story, and then her description was this huge chunk of paragraph. If I'm honest here, most people would probably skip that long a paragraph, mainly because it's too much to digest in one go. It's like throwing a brick at someone and telling them to catch. You could either divide the description para up like this:

Adriana is, by blood, both Lander and Avronian. Hypothetically she SHOULD be very resistant to the cold. Alas, she has never had such resistances. Adriana is tall, and curved in all the places expected of a woman her age in the world of Nevar. She is dressed in thick, yet light, clothing. The most showing is her deer-skin coat lined with fur, and high collars that just barely brushes her high cheekbones. There is also thick, grey, cotton trousers tucked neatly into leather boots a bit thicker than she'd prefer if it was not for the unbearable cold.

She has long, straight raven black hair that reaches just past her shoulder blades and falls easily on her shoulders. She has a slightly squared jaw-line, and a straight nose now colored red with the cold. Thick, dark lashes surround Icy blue eyes that holds no pleasure for her surroundings. Her foggy breath slips past red lips as she gives another frustrated sigh.

Thick, hardened leather shoulder pads are bared on her shoulders, matching similar elbow pads. Adriana has two belts, one tight around her hips holds two sheathed daggers and various pouches, the second hangs loosely and holds one pouch, four vials of substances only she knows of, and an obviously dwindling coin purse. All in all, she's a sight to see, but one dangerous to get near. Not to mention the fact that she has a short fuse, which matches her skills with a blade.


Then, there's another approach you could take. And that's subtlety. Show us what Adriana looks like through her actions. An example? Here:

She sets her slightly square-shaped jaw, letting out a frustrated sigh as another wisp of her foggy breath slips past red lips.


Or something of that sort. Another example could be:

She flips back her long, straight raven black hair.


And so on and so forth. Pull descriptions into actions. She's pulling out the dagger? Describe the dagger. She's examining her belt? Describe the belt.Brushing the snow off her coat? Well, there's your chance. All you need is a bit of subtlety and you're good to go!

Pacing, plot and dialogue

So far, the story's really interesting. I applaud you for having stayed true to the fantasy genre and having built up a world of your own, which is actually a very difficult thing to do. The best thing I liked about this was that you describe the various places and people in such a natural fashion that it's believable. Great job on that! The dialogue also flowed pretty smoothly and it carried this "air." Well done!

I'm off to read chapter two! Keep up the wondertastic work! Keep writing!

Cheers,

~Pompadour :D

DING DING DING DING DING. YOU ARE MY HUNDREDTH REVIEW!! Sorry, needed to say that! :D

I'll work on the description of Adriana to be mentioned subtly, as you have suggested. That was the part I often read over and wondered if I should have worked on it.
Thanks for the review! (And sorry my reply is late! :O It never popped up in my notifications.)

TheCrimsonLady wrote a review Review · Feb 3, 2014

Hello love!

I like the way the plot is going. With a bit o' editing, you'll have your readers soon hooked!

I don't really know what's wrong with your writing style, love. Some of your setences are run-ons... Some of them are fragments.... Some punctuation is missing, but that's not it. I feel like the reader needs to be able to get close to the main character, and you're not allowing them to do this when you write in third person. Maybe you could change the POV to first person... OR, you could change the third person to just include more of her thoughts. The story is great (squeal, I love fantasy, love, can't get enough of it!), as I already said. looking forward to reading more, love!

If I came across as mean, or not helpfully critical, please know that this was not my intention, love!

Keep persisting.

Evilly,
aura

User avatar
Faeth
Review
Faeth wrote a review Review · Jan 15, 2014

The distributions, the details where overall fantastic. Even though I'm not a huge fan on Si-Fi fantasy this was a great story to read, dreadfully long on the details in the beginning, but you make the reader understand the situation, the idea.

I liked the story, I think the continuation of this story would go far in you life!

Uh, it's fantasy... But, thank-you all the same...

User avatar
AEChronicle
Review
AEChronicle wrote a review Review · Jan 15, 2014

I liked it. The over all feel is definitely fantasy, and I like the few tidbits that tie the book to the traditional, High Fantasy genre, but it also reminds me of playing Assassin's Creed-fun game-so it gives it that original twist that grabs readers.

The writing is also good. It's not slow, you don't explain everything, but you give the reader enough info to understand the story and be intrigued. Adriana's name is used a lot, and gets kind of repetitive, but that's a minor problem, and doesn't affect the story.

Over all, I think it's great and would love to read more. Thanks Dragoon120!

That was my attempt! :) I wanted Nevar to be unique, but also be able to connect with the traditional fantasy. It's nice to know the work payed off! :)

It paid off very much. I really like it.

User avatar
Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review Review · Jan 15, 2014

Hey there! Knight Silver here to review for you.
First of all welcome to YWS, I'm sure you'll love it here. :) This was an interesting piece.There was good description, you seem to know your world well which is great. There was a good mix of dialogue and action.

Some nit picks:

Not to mention, they're in the royal palace. Adriana has little fondness of the royal line, for reasons she'd rather not to venture into. Magic also runs strong in this country, for reasons that puzzle even the most educated of scholars.


This bit felt a bit thrown in. It didn't read smoothly and just felt like you were trying to throw facts at us.
Adriana scowls and exhales her warm breath into the frigid air. The thick puff dissolving into the air brings her back to why she's in such a bad mood.


The second sentence doesn't read smoothly and you've repeated air very close to each other. It would sound better as: "Adriana scowls and exhales her warm breath into the frigid air. The dissolving thick puff brings her back to why she's in such a bad mood."

thru


SMS language is a BIG no no here, especially in a fantasy piece where there are no mobile phones.

Overall a good start to what seems to be an interesting story. Great job and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock

Thanks! I'll work on sentence flow. :)

User avatar
Dreamy
Review
Dreamy wrote a review Review · Jan 14, 2014

Hey there,

Dreamy here to review. I came here and found and exceptional piece of work. I didn't find any mistakes or what so ever but a pleasing characterization and a storyline. This was a very good read. I liked everything about it. Especially where you described and introduced your characters. The scene where Adriana walks into the market and eats the apple was so dramatic and I just couldn't stop but visualize it. And I found very few nitpicks. Here they are

and where pleasing to the eye.


It should be eyesor to her eyes

If only they knew she herself was one of the bests thieves around


This line kind of felt like it was out of flow, may be try without making use of the word "if"

icy blue


hard-ships


It's a one word. "Hardships"

way thru travelers.


It's "through" and you have done the same mistake twice.

All one needs is the practiced skill to become unnoticed...


You left many sentences like that, like "never-ending" That was good and was dramatic but repeating it in every place was kind of made it messy may be try to edit it?

And these are only things I could find, other than that, I liked your work very much. Keep up the good work!

Keep writing!!!

Cheers!!!

p.s. This was like a screenplay (not really though) but the narration made me visualize which is totally awesome! Just keep writing. :D

:) Thanks! I will defiantly work on my editing. The fact alone that someone finds it a good read is enough motivation to continue writing it. :)

:) Thanks! I will defiantly work on my editing. The fact alone that someone finds it a good read is enough motivation to continue writing it. :)



Pay it forward for the next writer in this society. It’s what keeps the society, a society.
— soundofmind