CinderAllen. Chapter 6.

by Dragongirl

Published February 18, 2012

In CinderAllen

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Alright so we are back to Allen's pov (for now). Hope you like this chapter.



Chapter 6.

How can you explain something when you yourself don’t even understand how it happened?



After dropping Trevor and Brent off at the front door I had parked the limo. A group of drivers standing in a loose circle, talked or smoked, killing time while waiting for their employs to tire of the party. Since I didn’t know any of them, I’d decided to leave them to themselves and instead wandered the grounds.

I had been by the pond for sometime and had been just about to head back to the car when she showed up.

The moment she had first entered the clearing I had been struck by the wistful air she seemed to have about her and by the time she had reached the bridge I no longer felt it so urgent to leave. Still I never intended to leave my secluded spot and I certainly never planned to ask for a kiss. One minute I was standing under the tree, content to observe and the next I was in the water, bargaining for a kiss.



Now I stared up at her, the water dripping from my hair into my eyes. She was beautiful. Her dark hair fell past her shoulders, loose curls turning up the its ends, framing a face with high cheek bones and a nose that sloped smoothly, its end turning up the barest bit. Her full lips formed a small O of surprise, but then she pressed them together as if suddenly aware of my gaze and even though I couldn’t tell what color they were, her eyes were bright.


“You know I was joking about the kiss, right,” she sounded slightly breathless.


“Sure you were,” I said and began to swim back to shore. It wasn’t long before my feet could touch the bottom and I waded up the bank. Back on land, I set down her shoe and grabbed my t shirt, slipping it on over my head.


Tugging on my boots next, I glanced at the shoe on the ground


“Looks uncomfortable” I remarked, nodding towards it.


“Yeah, heels aren't really my thing,” she laughed.


“So why do you like these shoes so much?” I asked, shrugging on my jacket and shaking my head. I never would have noticed it, but her comment made sense. The crazy high heels and even the golden, single strapped number she was wearing (and wearing well.) didn’t seem to match her personality.


“You‘ll never know,” she teased.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, can I at least get a name?” I said, bending over and picking up Ben’s cap and her high heel.

She sighed, but I could hear the smile in her voice. “It’s Leah and to be honest, I don‘t even like those shoes,” she sounded guilty as she said the last part.


“What?” I pretended to be shocked “You’re saying I risked my life for this,” I held up the single shoe by a strap. “this device of torture, and you don’t even like them?”


“Well, if you put it that way, yes.” she was grinning.


“Nice, Leah,” I said, using one hand to set Ben’s hat on my head and tug the brim down low over my eyes. “Real nice.”


“Alright, I‘m sorry, okay,” she put her hands out, palms up in surrender. Her tone then turned indigent “Hey, you know my name but you haven’t told me yours.”

The mention of my name brought me back to myself and I remembered with a jolt why I was here in the first place.

I swore softly and dug my cell phone from my coat pocket. Flipping it open, I swore again when I saw the time. Five till twelve.

“Sorry.” I apologized, suddenly aware of Leah again and embarrassed by my outburst. She just snorted.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Leah asked ruefully and I felt the corners of my lips turn up. Closing the distance between us in several long strides, I stopped less then a foot away from her.


“I’ll do more than that.” I said softy, leaning down and gently kissing her.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
xDudettex
Review
xDudettex wrote a review Review · Apr 1, 2012

Hey DG!

I saw you'd posted this when I popped by YWS a couple of weeks ago but I didn't have time to review so I'm gonna give it a go now :)

car when she showed - 'she'd'

up the its ends - nix either 'the' of 'its' You don't need both.

the barest bite- 'bit' ?

kiss, right,” - The comma should be a question mark.

Okay, so I noticed that you still have a problem with the structure, where the tags on the dialogue are concerned but I know you're clever enough to spot the mistakes when you edit. And I've pointed out helpful articles on YWS in my past reviews anyway.

This story is really picking up. I like the POV switches you have going and I like how you had Leah be truthful with Allen from the start. It shows that she feels comfortable with his presence and bodes well for their future :)

The twist on the fairytale really seems to be working!

I'll try and be back to review again when you post the next part. Sending me a PM when it's up might jog my memory :)

xDudettex

User avatar
Butterfly18
Review
Butterfly18 wrote a review Review · Mar 17, 2012

I really liked this read even though I'm not familiar with the previous chapters.

I like the way your characters interact with each other. :)

I did notice a lot of the time you telling things which could easily be shown, for example:

'Now I stared up at her, the water dripping from my hair into my eyes.'

Could be shown:

Water drips from my hair into my eyes as I look up.

Not a big difference but it loses that 'telling' feel. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, I liked this, was very interesting. :)

MiddleEarthGal wrote a review Review · Feb 27, 2012

Girlio, I loved it! Here are the very few errors I noticed...

"A group of drivers standing in a loose circle, talked or smoked, killing time while waiting for their employs to tire of the party" You don't have to put a comma after 'loose circle'. ;)

indigent *Indignant*.

"The mention of my name brought me back to myself and I remembered with a jolt why I was here in the first place" You probably need a comma after 'myself', because the part of the sentence after and can stand as a sentence on its own.

Other than that, I loved this chapter! I can already tell they make a great couple. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Haha! I love Leah!

Keep up the good work!



i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
— Avian