Yeah, so I know it's been a while since I posted..well any story but my computer has been broken and it still is sort of, ( I'm doing this in safe mode) so it may be a while before I can get up another chapter.
Anywho, I hope you enjoy this. It is still from Leah's point of view which, I have to say, is a complete bugger to write.
Chapter 5.
Leah felt a surge of satisfaction as the stranger showed surprise for the first time. His head jerked up and she could feel his eyes studying her.
“Seriously?”
Leah smirked at the reluctance in his voice before composing herself. “Well you did offer, but if you don’t think you can do it…” She trailed off and turned little away from young man, waiting for him to start stumbling over himself making excuses. When he didn’t, she snuck a peek over her shoulder, half expecting him to have made a run for it. What she saw made her jaw drop.
“What are you doing?” Leah gasped, gaping at him openly as he tugged off a boot and tossed it next to the one he’d already removed. The jacket followed.
“Getting your shoe.” The stranger said, pulling off his cap. Throwing it loosely on top of the jacket and boots, he was tugging off his t shirt before she could get a clear look at his face. Leah barely had time to take in his broad shoulders and flat stomach and he was cutting into the water with a smooth dive. Soft rings of water ripple over the pond as Leah waited for him to come up. The silence stretched.
Suddenly he appeared in front of Leah with a splash and she let out a squeak of surprise.
“Sorry.” He apologized, his tone sheepish.
“Okay, that time you did scare me.” She said, when her pulse had slowed and she could breath again.
“I didn‘t mean to, ” He told her. There was a long pause, then; “Well, maybe a little.”
Leah snorted. “I knew it.”
The moon behind the stranger cast his face into shadows and Leah felt a prick of disappoint that it was as obscure as ever. The quiet lapsed, the only sound being the soft tending of water. It was broke after a moment.
“Um, so is this about where your shoe fell in?”
“What?” It took Leah second to figure out what he was talking about. “Oh the shoe. Yes, I think so.” Almost before she finished speaking, he was under the water.
After he came up for the seventh time, Leah spoke.
“You might as well give up, you’re never going to find it.”
The stranger turned to look at her and Leah saw a flash of white as he grinned.
“I’ll bet you a kiss, I do.”
Leah couldn’t believe her ears.
“Excuse me?”
Even in the water she could see him shrug his shoulders.
“A bet. I find your shoe, you owe me a kiss.”
Leah closed her eyes briefly.
"I know what a bet is.” She spoke through gritted teeth and then continued, hardly believing the words coming out of her mouth. “What I want to know is, what I get if you don’t find it.”
His grin flashed again.
“A kiss?”
Leah laughed. “Nice try.” She thought for a moment. “I don’t know, I don’t think you have anything that I want.”
“Hmmm, that is a problem.” He mused. “Tell you what, I find your high heel, you give me a kiss, if I don’t find it, then you get the satisfaction of being right. Deal?
Leah smiled. “Deal.”
“Alright, I guess I better find that shoe then.” He said and disappeared beneath the water once more.
After what seemed like a age, he surfaced with a spray of water and Leah heard him inhale deeply, his breath coming in with long pants. She opened her mouth to ask him if he was ready to give up, but the words dissolved on her tongue before they could even form, as the stranger lifted his arm clear of the surface.
Water drops ran trails of silver down his forearm and the only sound was the tiny ‘plunk’ of them as they slipped from his elbow back into the pond. In shocked silence Leah stared at what was clutched triumphantly in his hand.
Her shoe.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter CinderAllen. Chapter 6.Points:
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Hey DG!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to reviewing this, but I'm here now. Finally.
This was so sweet. I loved how forward Allen was with Leah and the whole idea of the bet was great. It was a great way to break the ice between the characters and to foreshadow what may blossom between them.
I found a couple of mistakes, but seeing as I have no idea how to quote properly now that YWS is shiny and new, I'll just point out the most obvious ones.
She trailed off and turned little away from young man - You could add in 'a' before 'little' and 'the' before 'young'
water ripple over the - 'ripple' should be 'rippled' as the piece is in past tense
Leah felt a prick of disappoint - 'prickle'
It was broke after - 'broken'
It took Leah second - 'a' after 'Leah'
seemed like a age - 'a' should be 'an'
So as always I loved the imagery. The flash of white as he smiles and the silver trails of water running down his arm. Lovely!
I will say that you're still having trouble formatting properly when it comes to speech.
“Alright, I guess I better find that shoe then.” He said and disappeared beneath the water once more.
The sentence above, for example, should be formatted like this -
“Alright, I guess I better find that shoe then," he said and disappeared beneath the water once more.
The full stop should be a comma and the 'he' should be in lower case. I think I've given you links before to some good articals on this site about how to format speech in stories. It's something that doesn't take a lot to solve, but will benefit your story a lot.
Thanks for the great read, DG, and I look forward to reading more
xDudettex
Hey! Great work! This is wonderful! Lemme give you a Kudos Revue for this one!
I really like how you presented the story. Clear, witty, even quite humorous. A treasure of a tale, this here.

So, I really liked the first few chapters of the novel but I haven't exactly reviewed them yet. It's been a while, so at first, I didn't get the hang of Leah again. but still, this chapter caught my heart!
There is cleverness here. A kiss for a shoe? Ha!
The passing of dialogue is okay, and is very understandable. I wasn't confused by the talking and such. I would like to see a bit more description here. Not about what's happening, but the surroundings itself for more imagery.
And since there are still no smileys, I'll just give a Smile-o-meter instead of a Kudos one.
Smile:
Your Quick Critic,
Al
Thanks so much for the kudos revue!
I'm so happy you liked it. I think that you have a point about the descriptions. I definantly think that I need some work in that area and will try to do better.
Thanks again! ~DG
Wow! That was beautiful! You grabbed my soul in just that little space. I know it was not a huge scene but I loved every second! I was a tad thrown off in the third paragraph, but I reread it when I finished and I understood much better. I do not know much about the characters as I have only read this chapter, but I feel like I have known them for hours already! You did a great job!
"Leah barely had time to take in his broad shoulders and flat stomach and he was cutting into the water with a smooth dive." This felt like a run-on sentence. Maybe put a "before" instead of the second "and" and it would make more sense. There were a few grammatical errors but not enough to truly fuss over.
I thought that it was very cute how he bet a kiss for her shoe! I am going to read the fourth chapter right away! I do wish this could have been longer because I did not want to stop yet but I guess there is nowhere else to go from where you ended except maybe the kiss...
Thank you for an excellent read and I am very sorry that there was not much criticism in here to help you along.
Hey Mjd,
I'm glad you like the chapter even after jumping in right there in the middle. I think you are right about that paragraph though. That sentence does run on and I will be editing it as soon as the edit button works again.
Thanks so much for the review!
DG