Leon watched the moonlit trees fly by beneath him and shook his head as he tried to sort everything out. However his mind refused to focus and kept returning to the cycle of fire and rage where it usually lingered. This fire had ruled his existence for as long as he could remember. Even before the spark had struck, the fuel had been laid. This fire had fueled him going through times of pain and hardship. It was the one thing he could always count on and had started long ago in his childhood. Fire and pain had ruled that day, consuming many lives. As the memory flickered before Leon’s vision, he found himself clenching his hands, but the clench was less and was done more from habit that his usual rage.
“Are you alright?” asked Leon’s strange guide as he held the reigns of the flying chariot. The rushing wind ruffled the man’s musty blue robe and he put up a hand to straighten his tawny brown hair and beard.
Leon quickly unclenched his hands and nodded.
The man shrugged and return to guiding the flying horses, “We should be there soon.”
Leon nodded again despite the man being unable to see him and returned to his quiet thoughts. It had been a rebellion, magic against the crown. Despite the king’s many shortcomings, he at least cared somewhat for the people, while wielders of magic had no such concern. All they had wanted was power and they didn’t care who they trampled in their rush for control. Leon’s village had been only one of many losses before the rebellion was quelled. But the damage was too great. Magic fire repelled water and had been the tool of choice for decimating helpless villages.
Leon felt his heart rate speed as heated blood coursed through his veins. The night his village had been toppled like a pawn in a game was his clearest and fuzziest memory. Rage having sharpened and dulled his senses. Most clearly he recalled the fire and hopelessness as his father ran into their burning home. He heard the screams and cries of the innocent and felt the ash cloud his lungs as he crawled to safety. He also heard the oath of vengeance whispered by a tormented 7-year-old as everything he cared about went up in smoke.
Leon came back to reality and found himself shivering violently. The chariot had alighted on the ground and his guide was looking down at him with concern. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Leon stopped shivering and brushed himself off. “Yes, just… nerves. I’ll be fine.” He stood and got a first look at his destination.
The building stood tall in the air with multiple turrets and domed towers. Lighted windows shown from towering floors, revealing glints of gold and white as if the entire building had been built from marble and gold. Two torches illuminated the intricately carved front doors and the marble staircase that lead to them. Here Leon found he wasn’t alone. A small crowd of people his age were mingling and sitting around these stairs as if waiting for something. With quick nod from his guide, Leon hesitantly joined them. Once among the crowd, he looked back and glimpsed the chariot touching off the ground and zooming away in the starlight. Leon sighed, now he really felt alone.
With nothing better to do, Leon examined those around him. He found a few others were eyeing him as well, but shrugged it off. The boys and girls around him had broken into small groups and were chatting quietly or loudly in the case of one or two. Social status was varied if dress told him anything. He caught the fine polished wear of nobles as well as the humble browns of farmers and workers. He even thought he saw the light blue of an artisan and… he had to look twice at this one, the wolf insignia of the king. The king’s son was here? That was unexpected.
Feeling out of place standing alone, Leon scanned the crowd for someone to talk to. Nearly everyone was already engaged in a conversation except a quiet brown-haired boy sitting on the steps. The boy seemed intent on his book however, and Leon knew from experience that interrupting someone while they were reading was a bad idea. Looking around again, Leon spotted a group large enough that he could join without too much awkwardness. He was about to join them when the double doors suddenly swung open.
The chatter quickly died down and the students turned to the light spilling across the stairs; at the top stood a man in shimmering dark blue robes. He had short black hair and a neatly trimmed beard. In his hand was a tall wooden staff entwined about with silver vines. At the top of the staff, encircled in wood was a shining crystal.
“It’s Wizard Master Audric Northcliff,” Someone whispered.
Leon looked up with interest. This was the famous Wizard Northcliff? He looked shorter than Leon had imagined.
Leon’s thoughts were interrupted as Wizard Northcliff began to speak. “Welcome! This is The Chryssa Academy of Mages and I am Headmaster Northcliff. I trust your guides explained why you’re here?” There was a soft mumble of agreement, so Wizard Northcliff continued, “Understand that walking through these doors will be a commitment. Out of all the people in your kingdom's you have been gifted with magic. You were brought here to be trained and for your skills to be developed. If any of you are unwilling, please turn away now. You will be returned home by flying chariot and your life can return to normal,” Wizard Northcliff stopped speaking and looked each of the students in the eye in turn. “So what is your decision?”
Leon felt himself glance away as the headmaster’s gaze swept over him. The choice should have been obvious. Magic had never brought anything to his family but misery. Many of his memories of his father were of him complaining about magic in some way or another. Once it was the taxes raised since the king wished to hire an expensive sorcerer. Another time was when a lower level warlock came through town selling magical trinkets. The next day everything he sold had disappeared. These and many more experiences had plagued Leon’s childhood. Joining those who had tormented them was nothing short of treachery, but as Leon made the move to turn away, he realized no one else would follow. Overcome with embarrassment, he couldn’t take another step.
Headmaster Northcliff nodded as no one moved. “If you’ve all decided, you may now enter the school. Though remember, you can still turn away up until you walk through these doors.” The headmaster cast one last sweeping gaze over the group before motioning to a girl with bright red hair to step forward first. The girl stepped back with wide eyes, and then with a deep breath, she edged up the stairs to the doors. Without hesitation she walked through them and into the light beyond.
Headmaster Northcliff motioned to another girl and so on until almost everyone was inside. Before Leon realized what was happening, it was his turn.
Even though Leon hadn’t left earlier, he hadn’t really made a decision. He still had a chance to turn away, away from everything he had hated for so long, but he couldn’t. Only a few people remained outside with him, but their gaze was intimidating and got worse the longer he stayed still. Finally unable to bear it, Leon took a step forward, then another, and another. Finally he reached the large double doors and he had to make a decision. He stopped right outside the doors, well aware of the stares from his peers and tried to make it quick.
It was true that many Mages were corrupted by their power, and even if they didn’t go full evil they often used their power at the expense of others. Only occasionally was there an exception, such as the witch who’d lived in a village near his own and worked as a healer. There were also several wizards who had become well known for serving the kingdom without being paid large amounts of money. That was the thing though, they were the exception. Many Mages only worked for money and those who couldn’t get high paying jobs extended their power in other ways, one of the ways being by attempting to take over the kingdoms. Recalling this, Leon’s mind flashed back to the night he lost his family. The power to destroy everything in your path was very extraordinary. It was also difficult to fight. Here Leon’s eyes widened. It was as if a new spark had lit in his mind. Yes, it was difficult to fight, and that had always been the flaw in his plan of revenge. How could he, a simple woodcarver, with no training with even the most basic of weapons, defeat an entire order of bloodthirsty Mages? Here was the answer. He could become a Mage himself! That would level the playing field. Leon shook his head, unable to believe he hadn’t realized this before. It was perfect.
With new determination, Leon met the eyes of Headmaster Northcliff for the first time. It had been quite a shock when he had learned of his abilities, but now everything made sense. He still didn’t have to like Mages, but Magic itself didn’t have to be evil. With this thought in mind, he stepped onto the shimmery marble floor beyond the door, ready to begin his training.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I couldn't find any notable mistakes in grammar or spelling that bothered me, which is actually quite good. More works should proofread themselves, just so that we can talk more about content and how to make our stories more engaging to a captive audience. With that said.
I think I can say that I respect this story a lot more than I actually like it. It has a very good main character that has a whole bunch of internal conflicts to deal with, which will undoubtedly appear again if you do decide to continue this, and the ending seemed to wrap up everything perfectly. Yet, when I was reading this, I felt as if it wasn't taking enough chances at deconstructing the protagonists' world view. The protagonist truly believes that mages (at least most of them) are evil, and for the most part the story has yet to challenge this statement. Sure, it mentioned briefly about the 'exceptions', but for the most part it seems satisfied with this revelation as if magic was always evil. You could play with this a little bit. Are all the children in that class evil? Not necessarily. You could've shown that some of them were extremely nice, and have the protagonist argue with himself over it. It would lead to the ending and make it even more powerful than it already is, because the reader knows it to be true.
With that said, I'm actually surprised of the ending, because I thought that that was why he came there in the first place. Did he just realize the possibility of him finally exacting revenge? In that case, why did he go in the first place? Did he just find out he inherited magic? Or was he forced into it? Either way, it would be good to clarify this, because it left me a little confused by the end.
Overall, though, this was very well-written, but it could pack a lot more punches if you tweaked it a little bit more.
Signing out,
--EM.
Thank you for the review! And yeah, this originally was the beginning of a story that I wrote, and I may continue, but I don't think I'll post it on YWS. I did want to get feedback on this part though. Anyway, your comments have been insightful and I'll try to explore those topics as I continue writing. Thank again!
This is a very good beginning. I like the internal conflict of the main character, how he chose to become a Mage, so he could defeat other Mages. I do have one question, if most Mages are 'corrupted by their power' does this mean Headmaster Northcliff is evil as well? Either way, I found this to be really interesting.
Thank you for your review. Hmm, that's a question I haven't considered too much yet, but could be a very interesting twist to the story. If I continue it that's something I'll be sure to explore!
I look forward to reading it, if you do decide to continue.