I held my breath as the swirling time energy materialized around me. The glowing substance hovered for a few seconds, before swirling through the air to envelope me in a cocoon of light. I closed my eyes as it slowly grew brighter and brighter. Inside, my heart beat wildly, when I’d open my eyes again, I’d be in another time! It was almost too much to take in. The light burned brightly through my eyelids and I scrunched them closed tighter. This process was perfectly safe, but still visions of freak accidents plagued my mind. Everything felt fuzzy, like my consciousness had left my body. Then suddenly it was over and the light slowly dissipated. Still, I kept my eyes closed, partially from fear and partially from anticipation.
What would I find when I finally opened my eyes? Would it be a futuristic paradise, full of technology that could hardly be imaginable? Or perhaps would it be a terrible future, with harsh rulers and oppression. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself. More likely than not, the future was going to be ordinary. New scientific advances were a definite, but other issues such as governments were unlikely to be significantly different. Finally, unable to take the suspense any longer, I opened my eyes.
What met my gaze was darkness. I was in a room, but the lights were out. A few windows filtered in dim moonlight, but it was barely enough to illuminate the bulky shadows of the room. Squinting, my eyes began to adjust to the light and I recognized lab equipment. The room in fact wasn’t much different from the one I’d just time traveled from, yet this one was empty of scientists. As my eyes further adjusted to the light, I discovered that everything was coated with dust and a few stray cobwebs hung in corners, though there were no spiders to be seen.
I frowned, this was not what I’d expected, but it made sense. The organization had probably shut down, after all, I had gone 150 years into the future. Companies couldn’t stay around forever. Another explanation was that perhaps this particular location had gone out of use. I decided to assume that for now as I’d likely never find out for sure. I only had 20 minutes here. Remembering that, my eyes widened and I hurried to step from the energy platform. I had to get more of a look at this future before time ran out.
Stumbling through the room, I darted to the window. The windows were coated with dirt and I could only make out vague shapes on the other side. Stepping back, I tugged at the window and managed to slide it open. In the distance, the sky was slowly getting lighter, illuminating devastation.
I was in a desert, with a few huddled, worn-down buildings scattered here and there. Sick dread filled my heart as I scanned the dry horizon. Even among my darkest fears I had never truly believed the future would change for the worse. What had happened here? What had changed the lush countryside around the lab into...this?
As I stared in shock, a small bit of movement caught my eye. I quickly focused on it. It appeared to be a person. Someone who might have answers! I slid my leg out the window. I was only on the second floor and lowering myself down was probably safer than trying to navigate out of the ancient research facility. I lowered myself as far as I could before dropping the rest of the way. Landing hard, I got a closer look at the ground. The bright green grass and wildflowers of my time were gone and there was nary a plant in sight. The dark, rich soil that had hid beneath the green was now a light brown-orange. It was also packed down hard and so dry, spidery cracks ran in all directions. I shook myself and headed off in the direction I’d seen the person. I was running out of time and I just couldn’t leave without finding what had lead to this future.
After a bit of jogging, I caught up to the person near an old storage lab. It was a man with rugged black hair and tattered clothes. He was going through several metal crates stacked against the building. I slowly coughed to get the man's attention. He whirled around and glared with such intensity that I felt my words die in my throat. Only then did I realize there were several barriers I’d likely have to work through. First of all, English probably had changed from the language I knew, and in such a hostile environment people would likely be suspicious of strangers.
“Wall? Who er you?” The man finally grunted, the glare not leaving his face.
I gave a sigh of relief that English was still semi-the-same, before introducing myself. “Oh um, I’m Harley Gibbons, Chromulon Scientist, and I’m...from far away.”
“What er you do’in these parts?”
Stammering, I told a quick cover story. I wasn’t sure if he’d believe me about time travel. After my story I asked him what had happened. The story was slow in forthcoming, the man didn’t trust me and could tell I was completely out of my element, but eventually I learned what had caused the end of the world, and it really was the end of the world, as it wasn’t limited to this area, it had spread everywhere.
“100 years ago deadly virus, spread across Earth. No one know the cause, no one could stop it, it kill everything. People, animals, plants, it even kill sicknesses. Only few things survive. The sickness was terrible. Bleeding cough, purple pain, weakness, blindness, die from inside. Virus spread everywhere, and then 50 years ago, it was gone. No one else get sick, but too late. Only few people, animals, plants left.”
The man spoke gruffly, without emotion, but the words killed me inside. My nausea grew and I grasped at the metal crates to keep from falling. Fifty years, that was it. Fifty years before mass destruction, before doomsday. Of course the future had to be terrible.
A sudden glow distracted me from my thoughts. I looked up and realized the glow was coming from myself. The time energy was reforming, and soon I’d be pulled back to my own time. I sighed, my time was up and now I had the delightful job of explaining to my co workers what lay in store for us. As the light swirled around me, I caught one last glimpse of the man watching me in shock, before the light blocked out all else. The next instant I was back in the lab surrounded by eager scientists. At first I was confused at not being back outside, but then I remembered how time energy acts as a rubber band, pulling you back to its place and time of origin. Instantly I was bombarded with questions, but was unable to answer any of them. The room felt stuffy and time traveling had taken a lot of my energy. Finally our manager shooed most of the onlookers away and lead me to a chair. Once seated, I slowly began telling my tale while sipping from a glass of water.
The rest of the afternoon was a blur, mostly involving endless retellings of my expedition and questions about all the minor details. Despite the many times I told the story, hardly anyone heard it. The future was deemed too terrible to be told to the public, and all information from this experiment was going to be classified as top secret. After the nth time telling the story, I was dismissed and instructed never to tell it again, and I didn’t plan to. The day had started with so much promise, but now all I had was a bleak look at the future and a splitting headache. Going home late that night was a relief to put it lightly.
Before I went to bed, I looked out the window at the stars. They were so beautiful and far away. Once man had dreamed of exploring them, but with the upcoming future, they would never get the chance, or perhaps they would someday. The Earth survived for 100 years after the first onslaught of the illness, so perhaps it could recover. I stepped back from the window to close the curtains and turn out the light, but something stopped me, something in my reflection. I took a step closer, a small smudge darkened my reflection on my cheek. I reached up to try and rub it from my face and flinched away in pain. Whatever it was, it wasn’t leftovers. Closing the curtains, I went to the bathroom to get a better look.
One look in the mirror, and I froze. A large purple bruise had formed and was swelling faintly on my cheek. The symptoms…purple pain….
I tried to breath easy, one bad bruise didn’t mean I had caught the super virus, after all the man had said the virus had disappeared. But what if it hadn’t? I tried to shoo away the thought, but it continued with persistence. Suddenly a racking cough shook my body and the doubts flew from my mind. I had to stay away from people. I had to stay away from everything! The man had said 100 years ago, and this was 150. Perhaps he had been wrong, perhaps I had heard wrong, perhaps 100 years was when the disease became widespread, who cares! Panic instilled itself in my heart and I felt tears prick my eyes. If anything else he said was true, then I was as good as dead and I was going to bring the whole Earth with me.
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This story is pretty good. You should add to it because it has a lot of potential!
This story is pretty good. You should add to it because it has a lot of potential!
Wow! Just wanted to say I loved this......it would make an awesome story if you lengthened it to tell more about what happens to him in maybe another installment! Keep it up!
Wow! Just wanted to say I loved this......it would make an awesome story if you lengthened it to tell more about what happens to him in maybe another installment! Keep it up!
Wow! Just wanted to say I loved this......it would make an awesome story if you lengthened it to tell more about what happens to him in maybe another installment! Keep it up!
Hi, Dragonwriter! Em101cats here, and I'm going to give you a short review.

)
So, first I'll tell you what really stood out in a positive way to me:
I loved the creativity of the work you made. A lot of people make "time-travel/sci-fi" works, but yours left me surprised, I'll admit. I was mostly shocked at the ending. I read it so fast, wanting to know what happened! I also enjoyed how, when showing the changes between the two time periods, you expressed the difference in language. Instead of just making the two people sound the same, the character that the narrator meets 150 years later than his time speaks significantly different than the narrator does, and you show that instead of lacking a difference at all. I loved that little feature as well. There's so much more I liked about this work, but I said I'd keep it short, so I suppose I will keep that promise
I hate this part, but here comes the constructive criticism. (The reason I hate this part is because I love to help people, but I always feel so nervous telling them about their mistakes
I saw a few minor spelling errors, but everybody makes them and it was most likely a typo anyway. Those are easy to go through and fix, and it wasn't anything major enough that you couldn't understand what it was supposed to mean. It's optional to fix those as it could be considered a waste of time. Anyway, here's a quote that I have some feedback about:
This is the thing I have a severe problem with, so I've been trying to help people using the things other people have told me when I do this. Most authors also have difficulty with this. There is a term lots of writers/authors use called "show-not-tell," and it means, obviously, to show the readers through the narrator's perspective without just telling them it looks like this or this. Now, it's okay to be descriptive sometimes in a "tell-not-show" manner as you did with this quote, but readers are often more interested when you show them through the senses (sight, smell, hearing etc.) of the narrator. For example, instead of saying, "Billy walked. The grass was green," you could phrase it more like this: "Billy walked, looking down at the green grass he walked on." Both ways convey to readers that the grass was green, but the second one flows much better and sounds more natural. Do you see the angle I'm coming at? Maybe you could revise the paragraph to include more show-not-tell material. It's up to you.
Most other things have already been mentioned by other helpful commenters/reviewers, so I guess I'll leave it at that. You have a lot of writing talent and I'm glad I read your work! I'll be sure to go read some of your other works and maybe even drop a review sometime on one too. Keep up the fantastic writing!
~Em101cats~
I also forgot to add this: I recommend you try continuing this as a series. See how it goes! Just a suggestion. It kind of ended at a cliffhanger. I really wanted to know what happens after. Does the man get the virus? Does he bring destruction to Earth faster than it was supposed to happen with the virus? Continuation as a series would be amazing; I'm sure I'm not the only one wanting to hear more about the story! It was just that great
Thank you so much for your input! You've been most encouraging and helpful.
You're welcome! I'm glad I helped
Heya! (Heads up, my reviewing skills are rusty, so things may be a bit jumbled.)
Comma splice: two sentences without a conjunction or a semicolon to bridge them. Sometimes periods sever off expressions too cleanly, so writers favor commas to gum the expressions together; unfortunately, this results in a grammatical error.
Maybe a semicolon: "wildly; when I open...." It helps to sustain the image of a swift train of thought. (For more details on comma splices: Comma splices)
Rapid heartbeat is the token signal of adrenaline, and it's been well-chewed-over in narrative writing: "my heart thundered," "my heart jumped into my throat," "I was surprised no one could hear my heart beating" are common cliches. I'd love it if the narrator dived into specific detail, like discussing the flimsy feel of their bones or how conscious they are of their mortality, to really stamp into the reader's head that the narrator's defying the laws of time. The narrator also neglected to discuss their surroundings. With time-travel, there's a lot of delicious space for creativity, and it was disappointing when they cut directly from themselves to the arrival point.
I watched bucketfuls of Doctor Who when I was kid, so I associate timetraveling with this spiraling, nausea-inducing, blue-red-green-yellow-mottled, tunnel-like vortex (and cheesy electronic sounds); but everyone possesses their own visualizations. Darkness or unbearably cold wind or a searing-hot flash.
You also switched tenses--probably intentionally, to indicate that we're inside the reader's head, but it shook up the flow a bit. Try eliminating the "would"s or isolating the second independent clause and italicizing it, to let it serve as internal dialogue, maybe?
And the exclamatory sentence tasted a bit acidic after all those bundles of vivid description--choppy after the imagery had provided smoothness.
dropping a note that you're amazing with description
There's an elephantful of information stuffed into this paragraph, though, so maybe isolating the ideas and extending off them--snapping things into more bite-sized pieces? It's one fact tossed after another; all the sentences contain pretty simple ideas, but I still feel like I'm caught in a hurricane, trying to locate solid shelter.
"Like my consciousness had left my body" is a bit of a broad jump from "fuzzy," as well, and requires elaboration: is the fuzziness brain-related? is the fuzziness the product of dizziness? is it "conscious had left" in terms of possession or dormancy? (et cetera).
Rhetorical questions are really potent stuff, like chili powder compared with sesame seeds, or whiskey compared with Victorian lemonade (although I've never had whiskey or Victorian lemonade, haha).
I remember being taught to sprinkle rhetorical questions generously throughout my writing, but the truth is that they work best in moderation; less is more. It's rare that they aid the tone.
Here they felt a bit juvenile, so I'd recommend clipping them or reworking them as a subtler transition into the narrator's excitement? Or I think they could be kept whole if they were detached as an independent paragraph.
Forgot a question mark here ^_^
(This may be a biased opinion because I really dislike passive voice but) I think this would give a stronger effect if it was converted to active voice: "Darkness met my gaze."
Dialogue tags are always lowercase, as they serve to be a continuation of the dialogue: "the man." (Stuff on dialogue tags here: Dialogue Punctuation)
I'm also struggling with reading the dialogue; the accent translates a bit awkwardly. I had to read this twice to guess that it meant "What? Who are you?"
I'd recommend inserting apostrophes where slices of words have been pulled out (like Hagrid's dialogue in Harry Potter), for grammatical correctness; and generally sticking with etymological spellings to keep things easy for readers. I'm still trying to untangle what was intended by "wall." Even though the purpose was illustrating how English had evolved.
Forgot an "a" before "deadly," and the comma is unnecessary. I'd also recommend specifying the name of the virus to establish the story's uniqueness--viruses are common with dystopians (The Stand by Stephen King, among others).
Overall thoughts:
I might be wrong, but I received this story as character-driven? It launched with description and concluded with the narrator pondering big-picture stuff, and things were weighted more in reaction, as opposed to action.
I thought it was amazingly unique for a time-travel piece. Time-travel pieces tend to be more centered on worldbuilding, but you inserted plenty of reflection so that the reader could channel their thoughts through the narrator's. The backstory was incorporated really smoothly, as well; I love how you introduced the plot through the words "futuristic paradise."
The bounties of description managed not to feel excessive, and they definitely lent to the tone. The paragraph size was varied, introducing a nice pace. This was a really enjoyable read, overall--just a few trivial things to clean up and polish; you have a solid foundation. I'm intrigued as to what'll happen next.
Keep it up!
~Flame
Thank you so much for your review! Your comments have been very insightful. Also just btw, "Wall" was supposed to be "well".
Ah, that makes so much more sense. No problem!
Hey there!
I greatly enjoyed reading this grim and clever short. So, now that the time paradoxes have stopped melting my brain, it's time for a review!
First of all, I really liked the concept here. Very creative, and I liked how the ending looped back in on itself. The writing could be slightly more descriptive. People are remarkably good at filling in blanks, so it doesn't take much to fill that void. For example, is the man in the desert isn't given much description. Overall, the lack of setting a scene is where this story can fall a little bit flat. Other than that, I enjoyed how the reactions of characters are quite realistic. You deliver on the feeling of hopelessness quite well at the end, but I think you can do more in future to really drive home the kind of depression that comes with realising something like what happens in this story (especially if you plan on covering such grim topics)
Still, barring my nitpicks, I think this is a great story. You have a fantastic talent, keep on exercising it!
Happy Writing!
Thank you so much for the review and I'm glad you liked the story!
No problem! If you have the time, I'd really appreciate it if you checked out my latest story, you can find it in the green room, "Dance of the Midnight Emmisary Chapter 1". Anyway, I wish you the best in your future work.
I'll take a look at it after school!