A/N: These are scenes I've written during random writing practise. I am thinking of expanding on this idea for Camp NaNo and would like to hear your thoughts. Plot holes, things you'd like to see, etc. Enjoy!
12 April in the Year 0078 Post Transcendence
“Mummy! Mummy!” Alizia11 tugged on her mother’s trousers.
The woman put her holographic computer to sleep and turned to her daughter. “What is it, Zia? Can’t you see I’m working?”
“I know, Mummy, but my skin needs replacing!”
“Are you sure? I would’ve made a notifica-”
Alizia11 pulled up her sleeve to reveal a red flashing light on her wrist.
The woman’s eyes widened and she jumped from her desk. “Zia, I’m sorry! I must have forgotten.”
Her eyes clouded over as she accessed her internal communicator.
“Alright. I’ve let the SkinTechs know you’re coming.” She grabbed her daughter’s hand and tugged, but the little girl didn’t move. “C’mon. sweetie, let’s go.”
“I can’t.” Alizia11 groaned. “My legs have expired.”
“I’ll just have to carry you then. You’re lucky I bought the strength upgrade.”
Alizia11’s mother effortlessly picked her up and carried her outside, where a hover car was waiting.
“Are you happy with your current body, Zia? Or would you like to change something?”
“Well…” the girl said as she snuggled next to her mother, “Nancy384 said that freckles aren’t cool anymore…”
“We’ll omit the freckles then, not a problem.”
“Thanks, Mummy.”
After only a few minutes, the hover car glided to a halt outside the SkinLab. The woman carried Alizia11 inside, where the SkinTech was waiting.
“Alizia11.” They smiled. “I was wondering when I’d see you again.”
The little girl looked at the skin tech, confused. “Who are you?”
“It’s me, Savanaaah. I’ve changed all your skins since birth…”
“Oh!” Alizia11 blushed. “Sorry, I didn’t know it was you.”
“That’s okay. My last skin got burnt, so I thought I’d just get a completely new look.”
The mother tapped her foot impatiently. “Sorry to do this, but I’ve really got to get back to work. Could I leave her here and come back later?”
“Sure,” Savanaaah said, “we’ll text you when she’s ready for pickup.”
Alizia11 waved goodbye to her mother and was carried away to get her skin changed, just as she was every year.
08 October in the Year 0084 Post Transcendence
“Welcome back, Zia.” Savanaaah hugged the thirteen-year-old. “Today’s a big day, hey?”
“Yeah,” Alizia11 said, twiddling her fingers. “I’m a little nervous.”
“Don’t be. Every young woman goes through this skin upgrade. You’ll love the results.”
Alizia11 smiled shyly. “Yeah, everyone keeps telling me that.”
Savanaaah looked over the girl’s shoulder. “Is your mum here?”
“Nah, she had to work. But we’re going out for dinner tonight!”
“You’ll be able to get all dressed up!” Savanaaah beamed. She signalled down the hall. “Shall we begin? We’re booked in room eight.”
Alizia11 walked beside her SkinTech, but stopped outside the open door.
“Savanaaah...” She swept her toes across the floor.
“Yeah, hun?”
“The monthly… the thing… does it hurt?”
The SkinTech laughed. “Oh, Zia. The monthly bleed is how we know everything’s working properly. Soon enough, you won’t even notice when it happens, it’ll be another routine…” She saw Alizia11 blush, and placed a warm hand on the girl’s shoulder. “Come inside, I’ll tell you all about it.”
Alizia11 entered room eight. It was different from the rooms she’d been in before, to get children’s skins. Instead of having just beds for just one person, the adult room accomodated two. Didn’t adults deserve privacy?
“Don’t worry about Mr Toth,” Savanaah said. “His soul is in stasis at the moment, so he can’t see you.”
Alizia11 knew that, it’d happened to her often enough. Between skins, your soul was stored in a metal box. Without eyes, you couldn’t see a thing, but the box was configured with electronic ‘ears’ so that the SkinTech could still talk to you.
“Mr Toth,” Savanaaah said to the box between the beds, “Zia here is having her skin changed too. We’re still waiting for your new skin, so just hang tight for a little while.”
Alizia11 swayed back and forth as she waited for Savanaaah to stop addressing the air.
“Okay, kiddo.” Savanaaah patted the empty bed. “It’s almost time to become a young woman. But first, your questions?”
“Umm…” Alizia11 climbed onto the bed. “Maybe after?” She jerked her head towards the male skin.
“Of course! Sorry, I know this room’s different than the other.”
“That’s okay,” Alizia11 blushed.
“We’ll hook you straight up then. Lie down.”
Alizia11 fell back, then held her hands in front of her eyes, stretching her fingers. She patted her flat chest, and squeezed her lean arm. The thirteen-year-old body was going to be so different, Alizia11 wanted to imprint the feel of being a child in her memory.
“Ready?” Savanaaah was holding a bundle of wires, which would transfer Alizia11’s soul from her body to the box.
She gulped. “Ready.”
The last thing Alizia11 felt was a painful bolt of electricity shoot up her spine, and then she felt nothing. Her soul was out of the skin and inside the box.
Though skins had been used for generations, even the most talented authors were yet to describe the experience. The senses were obsolete, they did not exist. You couldn’t say there was a void or blackness or a vast white space… because there was just nothing. Sight was not experienced. Nor was touch, taste, or smell. The only sense the soul could experience was sound; thanks to mechanical ears wired into the box.
Alizia11 heard Savanaaah flicking switches and shuffling things around the room, she heard the skintech hum and whistle. She heard a door slam somewhere else in the building, and people shouting. She heard Savanaaah’s sudden silence and heavy breathing, then the threats of a madman.
If Alizia11 had been capable of feeling emotions, she would have been very, very frightened.
“Keep your hands up!” The man yelled.
“You are committing a serious crime,” Savanaaah said, “punishable by death. Just leave.”
“I’ll give the orders!”
A gun went off and Savanaaah screamed.
“Now, you’re going to unhook the box and attach its wheels. Then I’m going to leave with Toth’s soul, and close the door on my way out. You aren’t going to follow me.” Pause. “Have I made myself clear?”
“But… but you can’t. It’s not just Mr Toth in-”
“Have I made myself clear!?”
“Yes… yes.”
“Good. Now do what I said.”
After a minute of beeping and clanging, the box started moving and all Alizia11 could hear was the rumble of its wheels against the floor. Then the box’s backup battery depleted, and the ears stopped working. Her soul floated in a sea of nothing.
At some point in the near future, Alizia11 felt another bolt of electricity blast through her new body. She sprang into a sitting position, gasping for air. The first thing she saw was a pair of long, hairy legs with man-sized feet.
“What’s happened?!” She barked in a deep voice. Alizia11 clasped her hands to her mouth. That wasn’t her voice. Her eyes widened; she could feel whiskers above her lip. She stretched her arms in front of her; they felt so much stronger, were more tanned, fluffier and wider. A sticky scent wafted from her beneath them. She looked down at her stomach, and where her soft belly had been there was now a set of male muscles. And below that… the taboo part that only boys had. But now she had one, and she could feel the entire male body buzzing with energy.
Alizia11 squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it was all a bad dream. But when she opened them, the hulky body was still there. She was in an adult male skin.
“Help!” She shouted. “Savanaaah! Something’s gone wrong!”
“Ah…” It was another male’s voice. It sounded familiar. “The skin swap has finished, excellent.”
Alizia11 spotted the speaker in the corner of the room, in an office chair. She noticed the walls around him, grey and dirty, and realised that she wasn’t in the Skin Clinic anymore. She was on a wooden table, in a damp room, being stared at by the madman.
That’s where she’d heard his voice! Alizia11’s recalled her time out of skin, when the box -and her soul- had been stolen.
“How are you feeling, Mr Toth?”
“Mr Toth?” Her voice came out raspy. “I’m not Mr Toth! I’m Alizia11!”
“Yeah, yeah, nice try. I know your soul was in that box, Toth. Don’t play dumb with me.”
“I’m telling the truth!” Alizia11 wanted to cry, but her new skin handled emotions differently and instead she felt a fist form, which banged against the wooden table. “I want to go home!”
The madman sighed and opened a drawer in the desk behind him, retrieving a gun.
“Do cooperate and calm down, Toth, or my finger might slip.”
Alizia11 clawed at the surface, heart thumping. “What do you want with me?” Her voice hissed, though in her mind she whimpered.
“Don’t fret. We’re just gonna hang out together until you give me the code to your safe. Then you can go off and get your proper body back. But if you get on my nerves…” he twiddled the gun, “then I might damage this body, and you know what happens to a soul if its skin dies.”
Alizia11 gulped. She knew well enough. Death was death, and a soul couldn’t be transferred to another skin once that happened. But what was she going to do? She wasn’t Mr Toth, and she had no idea what his safe code might be.
Alizia11 laid back on the wooden table, her heavy body making the surface wobble. She inhaled deeply, watching an old fan go round and round on the ceiling, and cried inside.
Was she going to die?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey there, Drac!
I was wandering through the Green Room looking for something quick to review and noticed this. The concept is really interesting, and I think you've begun handling it pretty well.
There wasn't much grammar to correct or give suggestions on, and as my reviews are typically grammar-heavy, this will probably be pretty shooort.
I do have a couple notes to make on that, however-
In all previous mentions of the SkinTechs, they've been capitalized (like I typed it), but here you seemed to miss that, so whoops!
Another point was just that, after Alizia11's soul was transferred into the male body meant for Mr. Toth, the pacing began to lose its stride and everything seemed to zip by really quickly.
Oh, and you never add a dot after "Mr." in Mr. Toth? I don't know if that was a mistake or a stylistic choice or what, but thought I'd point it out as well.
Back to content stuff! The concept is neat, the characters are decent (I'm sure they'll grow much more if you should continue this), and I the time shift from childhood to verging on "adulthood" wasn't jarring or anything; it was handled well.
I am curious as to why Alizia11 is called that-- At first I was thinking that people's names in this world had numbers attached which would count up with each new skin? So after the beginning she would be Alizia12, and then Alizia13, and so on, but that could be confusing and overwhelming, so it's probably best you hadn't done that, haha.
Also Savanaaah having three A's in a row was odd. I don't know if that was also one of the names you've crafted for this story, or if that's just an actual way to spell it? I kept elongating my pronunciation of it, though (not a bad thing, just fun).
I'm also interested in what the madman wants with Mr. Toth, and if he's working for anyone else or not. What kind of life did Mr. Toth lead, or, for that matter, who was the new skin that Alizia11 is placed in at the end?
Lots of questions, and I'm looking forward to the next part! But yeah, good pacing, promising characters, and an intriguing concept.
Keep up the good work, bud!
- Hatt
Oh, and I forgot to mention alongside the bit that I quoted -- the wording there is a bit odd? It feels like a broken clause with the "she heard the skintech hum and whistle" tacked on at the end of the sentence. I feel like you could maybe rework this into two sentences or reword it and make it less stop-and-go to read. Anyway, good job!
Hello!
I swear I reviewed this yesterday but I guess I didn't?Okay, the premise for this story is amazing! I love the idea of souls being transferred to and from different bodies. That's seriously such a cool idea, and the fact that the plot is that a little girl gets stuck in a man's body is even better! That alone makes me want to finish this book. I don't read sci-fi much, but this seems different from the usual lot.
However, I have a few problems with some of the technicalities of this. Namely, when you said that the body expressed emotions differently.
I don't really see how that would be possible. I mean, the body is just a host for the soul. This is implying that different bodies hold different personalities and that just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, you can do whatever you want with your world, but this just seems like a stretch.
Another point is that I think your ending line would hold more power posed as a statement instead of a question. That's just personal opinion though.
All that aside, like I said, I really enjoyed reading this. I haven't ever read anything like this, except maybe The Host, now that I'm really thinking about it. But this is a completely different plot line than that book. I really hope Alizia11 gets her own body back, but the journey there is looking to be a scary one. I can't wait to read the next installment!
Thanks for the feedback! I get what you mean about the skin personalities. I guess they're sort of like Sims, with different features and traits, but the soul controls it and does the thinking? Like, you can get a body that's fast or super strong or sun-burn resistant... and this skin isn't newly created so it's quite sexist and pre-programmed (if that's the right word) to have the typical male reactions. Hard to explain. But thanks for pointing it out that that also means it's hard for the reader to understand. I'll try and figure out a less confusing way, or just scrap that part and make them literally just skins.
I think instead of saying in the beginning that the mom got a strength upgrade, you can just say that she got a new stronger body, and maybe just add in some small allusion to her reactions being a little different with her new body, or something.