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Intro for my piece titled Kalopsia

by DrLavender


The cold night breeze engulfed the young adolescent as he progressed down the sidewalk; dimly lit by the moon and the light of stars who had already passed eons ago. The shallow water of the pond lapped against the grass of which the sidewalk was paved upon, mirroring the night sky in all of its flawless infinite beauty. A fountain, having been erected at its center, produced the melodious sound of thousands of droplets colliding with the body of water beneath it; sending ripples throughout the surface. A choir of frogs could be heard in the distance, as they ribbitted together in the serenity of the dark. Trees rustled in the breeze; each of them swaying eloquently from side to side. The adolescent continued his journey, inhaling the night air as he slowly arrived at his destination. His black blazer wavered in the wind behind him, revealing a pale white shirt beneath it, which was, tucked into a pair of slacks the same shade as the blazer. The ending of the slacks grazed the surface of polished dress shoes, which echoed each time they were acquainted with the sidewalk below. On a park bench, faced towards the pond, was the figure of a girl, sitting calmly, whose hidden eyes were undoubtedly faced towards the young man coming towards her. His hair, the same shade of black as the night sky above, was slicked back and fell to the length of his shoulders. Her hair, on the other hand, was a cherry shade of ginger; rolled up in a messy bun on the top of her head. The boy eased to a halt, his feet became inert as he stood before the young girl. 


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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Sat Feb 11, 2017 10:08 am
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Ashnirai wrote a review...



Hey there, Ashnirai here for a quick review.

First of all, I want to say that I really like your the detail of your descriptions. I mean:

dimly lit by the moon and the light of stars who had already passed eons ago

and
mirroring the night sky in all of its flawless, infinite beauty

and
His hair, the same shade of black as the night sky above

are all beautifully poetic and I can clearly see what you're describing in my mind's eye. It sets up a slightly dreamy, romantic atmosphere which accentuates the scene, almost like a fairytale.

I do, however, want to point out the dangers of being over-descriptive. You've pretty much dedicated the entirety of this passage to telling me about the environment around them, and by the time the boy meets the girl, I've grown bored.

It's not because you're writing is bad - far from it. It's because I want to see something happen in the passage, and I have to slog through 8 sentences to get there. What I'd advise you to do is to spread out the descriptions evenly throughout your writing so that it isn't all in one massive clump that your readers feel tempted to skip. To that end, I'd also advise you to split your passage into paragraphs so that it's easier to read.

Another thing I want to mention is your word choices. Occasionally, you'll use a word in the wrong context, or use a word that is technically correct but sounds odd. For example:

The cold night breeze engulfed the young adolescent as he progressed down the sidewalk; dimly lit by the moon and the light of stars who had already passed eons ago.

Here, the word 'adolescent' sounds very odd in the sentence. It's a rather scientific word, used more in formal contexts, and it's jarring to the ear when placed here. I'd suggest replacing it simply with 'man'. Same thing applies to 'progressed'. It's too formal, too clinical and detached when the rest of your writing is soft and romantic. There are many other words you could use: 'wandered', 'strolled', 'ambled', etc.

You'ce also used a semicolon where there should be a comma, but I see Wolficial has already mentioned it, so I won't repeat XD.

Altogether, good work, I can't wait to see what you'll write in the future! ouo

~Ashnirai




DrLavender says...


Hey Ashnirai!

Thank you for your review, it deeply means a lot! You make a great point about me using scientific diction. I guess I wanted to have an elaborate vocabulary, haha. Hmmm, spreading out descriptions, alright! It does make sense and I hadn't even considered it before. I think I'll apply it, thank you!

I'm glad you thought it was good! I'll be sure to post more in the future, but first, I need to get reviewing so I have enough points to do so!



Ashnirai says...


You're welcome, I'm always happy to be of help ouo.



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Sat Feb 11, 2017 7:25 am
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Wolfical wrote a review...



Hello Sameer! Again, welcome to YWS ~

This is lovely! Here are the notes I took as I read it over for the first time.

The cold night breeze engulfed the young adolescent as he progressed down the sidewalk; dimly lit by the moon and the light of stars who had already passed eons ago.

Beautiful first sentence. The semicolon, however, is used improperly and should be replaced with a comma. The section of the sentence after the semicolon cannot function on its own and is therefore a dependent clause. When you use a semicolon, you should be able to replace it with a period or the word "and" or "but" and it still makes sense.

The shallow water of the pond lapped against the grass of which the sidewalk was paved upon

This bit is a little wordy, so I crossed off the last part because it isn't very necessary. If you want to replace it with something, I'd recommend "beside the pathway" or the like.

mirroring the night sky in all of its flawless infinite beauty

Tiny little thing: in between "flawless" and "infinite" there should be the word "and" or at least a comma. Adjectives typically need to be separated.

A choir of frogs could be heard in the distance, as they ribbitted together in the serenity of the dark.

Love this line! Something about it flows nicely. It's also great that you're showing multiple senses, this time the sound.

Trees rustled in the breeze; each of them swaying eloquently from side to side.

This is another case where the semicolon should be a comma.

His black blazer wavered in the wind behind him, revealing a pale white shirt beneath it, which was, tucked into a pair of slacks of the same shade as the blazer.

I'd recommend removing the comma after "which was" because there is no natural pause in speech when you say it out loud. I also suggest pruning the end of the sentence as I demonstrated to dispose of the repetition of "blazer." It's not an essential fix, but it sounds nicer.

The ending of the slacks grazed the surface of polished dress shoes, which echoed each time they were acquainted with the sidewalk below.

Clever personification.

Her hair, on the other hand, was a cherry shade of ginger; rolled up in a messy bun on the top of her head.

Again, comma instead of a semicolon! d:

The boy eased to a halt, his feet became inert as he stood before the young girl.

Aaand, here's where you should have used a semicolon, after "halt." Do you see how everything after that word operates fine as its own sentence, or if the comma was replaced with "and?"

Your writing is great. Sometimes the sentences could be trimmed down and simplified, and sometimes you get your semicolons and commas mixed up, but both of those things are easy fixes. The most important thing is something you're already splendid at - writing well! You clearly have that innate feeling for what makes a sentence sound pretty and poetic. I'm a fan of beautiful descriptions and elegant sentences, so naturally this was a pleasure to read.

There's not much else I can comment on because I don't really know the main characters yet. I have a slight understanding of what they look like, and I assume that they're on some sort of a romantic evening, but otherwise there's a lot more for me to learn. Get reviewing and post the next part, okay? :) I want to read more!

If anything I said needs clarification, just let me know! And please let me know when you post again.

Happy writing!
Wolfie




DrLavender says...


Hey Wolfie! Thank you for your review, it really means a lot! I've always had trouble with semicolons. I know that by definition, the clauses they're separating should be able to function as sentences on their own, but I guess when I get a really long sentence going (such as this one), I feel tempted to employ it.

Anyway, thanks again! I deeply appreciate it! I'll certainly get reviewing and have the next part ready to post.



Wolfical says...


Fantastic! :)




"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel