Horrendously, her version of paradise came to an abrupt end, and was replaced with the sound of hell as her alarm clock shattered the serene silence. Her eyes, groggy and unwilling to open, slowly did so with great might. She raised her arm and hit the snooze button, allowing herself a few moments of bliss before painfully embracing the new day. Hesitantly and dreadfully so, she removed the covers cradling her fatigued body and made her way to the bathroom. Her feet dragged along the stained, beige-colored carpet until coming in contact with the freezing, tiled floor. She allowed her hands to rest on the cold, granite countertops; her sweaty palms cooling down as she lingered. Lindsey’s breaths came in heavy sighs; her feet remaining inert as she began to compose herself. Her right hand slowly creeped its way to the top drawer, right below the countertop, and pulled on the silver handle.
Sluggishly, bit by bit, she coaxed the drawer all the way out. A small knife lay, resting amongst make up, hair dye, and other necessities adolescent females adorned themselves with. Lindsey reached for the handle, and deliberately, acquainted the blade with her wrist. She leisurely allowed it to slide, as if it were a lesbian’s lips caressing her partners’. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the burning sensation, as it seemed to ravage throughout her body. Her thoughts, fears, and insecurities subsided as her mind became engulfed in the present. The knife did not represent her pain, her sorrow, or her despair. It merely represented her existence, for when she slid it across her wrist, it reminded her that she was very much alive and still a part of the abhorrent reality she called life.
Lindsey opened her eyes and ceased to move the blade. She removed it from her hand and placed it eloquently on the countertop before her, allowing it to smear the white granite with red. She stared at her wrist, her Caucasian skin marred in little slits, all of them oozing with blood. Calmly, in an entirely nonchalant manner, she reached down into the second drawer where she acquired a white cloth and wrapped her wrist around it. She turned on the cold water for the sink and rinsed the blade, watching the steady stream of water change color from crystal to cherry. After placing the knife back to where she found it, she then removed her clothing and allowed herself to be seduced by the shower.
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140,720 Literary Works • 673,677 Reviews
Heya, Sromani7! Casanova here to do a review for you!
I would like to say that you've pretty much detailed the basics of self harm here. Or, well, one aspect of it. I would like to note that there's usually a back story to self harm- and I'm interested in Lindsay's reason for doing it. She's not doing it, or so it seems, because she's pained- is she depressed and feels worthless? Does she not care about her own being? Is there some underlying reason for it, or does she just do it to prove she's still alive and she can still feel something? All of these are good questions, in my opinion, and I'm interested in seeing them answered. I do, however, have on nitpick that I would like to discuss.
Throughout your entire piece you gracefully describe every little detail. From her moving covers, to walking, to opening a drawer, to cutting herself, and yet in one spot(instead of keeping the rhythm slow) you speed it up and compared to the rest of the work it seems fast. Here's what I mean-
This would normally be a good line- it's grammatically correct, it flows well, and sounds good. But I think compared to the rest of your lines this seems hastily, almost sloppilly, done. I would suggest taking her time to get to the shower, letting her feel the hot water warming her skin, and letting the reader be engulfed in what her experience of every day life is. From your previous lines, I can tell you have the ability to do this, and I would like to read this and not think one spot was too fastly done.
Anyway, all in all I think this was really good and I'm curious as to whether you're going to continue with it or not. Please let me know when the next is posted.
I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hey Casanova!
Thank you for your review, it really means a lot! Ah, I guess the problem with posting excerpts is that it will leave readers questioning all that you've asked. I hope they're rhetorical. I'd love to sit here and answer them, but then I'd be ruining the plot, which I feel is of a greater disservice.
Ah, so basically just elaborate more on the last line? You're right, it does seem sloppy when you compare it to the rest of the content. I'll be sure to do that, it helps a lot!
Thanks for your review again! I'll be sure to let you know when the next one is posted, don't worry!
Hello again!
Is this a continuation of the last part? Unless the first part is a dream that Lindsey has woken up from, which would account for the dreamy descriptions in the intro but not the perspective from the male character, I'm assuming this is a random excerpt from your novel/novella and I will treat it as such.
I like how you juxtaposed "paradise" and "hell."
Lovely <3
Drop the comma after "cold" and *coughbadsemicoloncough*
*coughagaincough*
I as the reader don't really need to know the exact location of the top drawer. I also don't like the repeated use of the word "right," especially because each time it's for something different which makes it confusing.
I think this sentence would do best without any commas, or with a comma after "and" instead of "handle" while keeping the other one after "deliberately."
Um, what? I assume you're trying to say metaphorically that the knife and Lindsey are one in the same and have a relationship that can in some way be linked to that of a lesbian couple's, but that's a stretch that I'm nevertheless rather confused - and possibly wrong - about. It's a very sudden and jarring simile that isn't elaborated or explained and sits very awkwardly in the paragraph.
In a mere three paragraphs, somehow you've romanticized the art of cutting and made me see it in a different light. At the first paragraph I wasn't terribly interested because Lindsey seemed like just another teenage girl who struggles to get up in the morning. That's my life every day. xD Nothing new. But then suddenly the sluggish sentences become jagged and abrupt and before I know it she's cutting herself. Woah, that turned around quickly. Now I know that she's having trouble getting up not just because she's exhausted and classically teenager-esque, but because she's a girl who has real, serious problems.
Again, your writing really impresses me, and in this part you took my assumption of what Kalopsia's about to a whole new level. I'm still not really sure what the plot is or anything, but here you're revealing some inner conflict which is great.
Keep it up!
Wolfie
Hey Wolfie!
Thank you for your review! Deeply appreciated! Haha, yeah I'll certainly drop the commas and semicolons which you pointed out. As for the last line you cited, you make a fantastic point. I guess I wanted to try a new simile, and that resulted in placing it in that paragraph. It is probably a rather confusing line, and one I should keep out. I guess that's what 2 AM writing does.
I hope I've kept your interest while you read through this. In between the last part and this part, there are a few passages which I haven't posted. It's primarily dialogue between Lindsey and the young man.
Thanks again for the review!