E - Everyone

Excerpt from piece titled Kalopsia Pt. 2

Nero walked home sluggishly from the park, the night air embracing him with each step he took. The sidewalk seemingly led into oblivion, just as his thoughts did with Lindsey. She was a beautiful girl, so full of potential, with a heart burning to love. And yet, there was a side of her that he would never be able to reach. A side of her as cold as the dark side of the moon, hidden from view from all of those who merely glanced at her. Yet, it was still there, residing in the darkness. He couldn’t fathom why she allowed herself to be hurt and broken and prodded, time and time again. More importantly he couldn’t understand why he let her get hurt. No, her life was not his business and he does not have the final say. But to sit there every Saturday night under the watchful eye of infinity overhead and hear her woes in life, only to see her elongate her pain.

He opened his phone, momentarily blinded by the brightness of the screen. He sent a quick text to a contact named Anne. It merely said the following:

“On my way home now. Had an interesting talk tonight, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Will pick you up in the morning, love you”.

He proofread it to ensure there weren’t any errors, and upon finding none, he hit send. He found his home before long and walked up the long driveway, leading to the front door. His house was a modest, two story suburban home. From the outside it was a cocoa shade of brown, with a white garage door. The shingles on the roof were all there, neatly laid side by side. The windows had a glossy shine, reflecting the starry night in the present moment with their shutters drawn. The lawn was neatly trimmed, with three bushes proudly fixed next to each other. A lone pine tree, isolated, was erected in the center of the front lawn.

Nero passed his car on the way to the door, and paused momentarily, staring at it fondly. It was enticing, the statuesque body painted a glossy black reflected Nero’s face back at him, dimly lit by the moonlight. The Audi logo proudly showcased itself on the front and back of the car, along with “A4” on the trunk. The windows were spotless, the wheels a beautiful shade of silver; their gleam untethered. He patted the hood lightly and made his way into the house. His parents were fast asleep upstairs, confirmed by the occasional snoring. Nero’s footsteps were clearly audible each time the sole of his shoe was acquainted with the hardwood flooring. He slowly removed his shoes and set them beside by the porcelain-painted wall. He then slowly made his way to the stairway, using various items of furniture as guidance. Upon ascending the stairwell, he finally made it to his bedroom, gently closing the door behind him. He removed the black blazer covering him, revealing a white shirt beneath without a tie, which he excised as well. He soon had successfully changed out of his daytime apparel and slipped into his silk pajamas. 

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Wolfi
Review
Wolfi wrote a review · Sat Feb 18, 2017 7:00 am

Hello again! ;)

Congratulations! I found not a single semicolon error in this piece. There were, however, two comma splices in Nero's text to Anne, contrary to his claim that there weren't any errors, but I can excuse that because that's how a lot of people text anyway. d:

But to sit there every Saturday night under the watchful eye of infinity overhead and hear her woes in life, only to see her elongate her pain.

Fragment.

The shingles on the roof were all there, neatly laid side by side.

An odd detail. Do other houses in the area lack a perfect set of shingles?

The lawn was neatly trimmed, with three bushes proudly fixed next to each other. A lone pine tree, isolated, was erected in the center of the front lawn.

No need to repeat yourself.

It was enticing, the statuesque body painted a glossy black reflected Nero’s face back at him

I really don't like the words "enticing" and "body" together in this sentence. It gives a weird and improper tone. "Statuesque" doesn't work either because that word typically denotes something tall and, literally, statue-esque. I wouldn't normally compare a car to a statue. I think here you're trying to describe something simple in a more romantic language than it actually deserves.

Nero’s footsteps were clearly audible each time the sole of his shoe was acquainted with the hardwood flooring.

I recall you using the same "acquainted with the floor" phrase in an earlier excerpt. It was cool the first time, but because it's so unique I remember it easily and therefore its repeated use is obvious.

It sounds like Nero's been Lindsey's shoulder to cry on and an open ear to her woes. He has the heart or at least the desire to visit her every Saturday night, but although he's aware of her suffering, he decides that he can't do a thing about it. I'm not sure why he thinks that. He likes her for her beauty and thinks that she has "potential" to be his girlfriend, but he doesn't take the extra step to do anything besides listen to her problems. It's nice of him to do that, but I'm wondering why he's holding back. Maybe it has something to do with Anne?

I wouldn't think it would, actually, because he clearly is open to Anne about these conversations. If she's his girlfriend or something, he's not keeping any secrets from her. Perhaps she's just a friend. A friend that he loves and picks up in his car, though? Not likely. A cousin, maybe? It wouldn't be a sister because she would probably live with him.

So, what could be holding him back from trying to help her? All it would take is a quick contact to an adult or a hotline that could get help and stop her from cutting. Maybe she specifically asked him not to do that. Maybe she didn't even tell him about the cutting. Maybe that's the dark part of the moon he was hinting at.

Your writing style is almost dreamy. The characters drift about in a word of deep, romantic descriptions. You've stayed consistent, which is nice, even if the pace is a little slow. I'm hoping for more conversations and action in the future!

Another lovely excerpt! Happy writing ~
Wolfie

Hey Wolfie!

Always great to hear from you! Yeah, made 100% sure to not have those semicolons in place. Lol sorry about the comma slices in Nero's text. You make great points in all the stuff you highlighted! As for all the questions you asked, I sincerely hope they're rhetorical because I can't answer them. In time though, all should be answered as the plot slowly progresses.

I really appreciate you calling my writing style almost dreamy, it actually makes my day! Didn't think my writing was of good quality.

Hey, snazzy new name! d:

Yes! All my questions in reviews are typically rhetorical. They're just to let you know what I'm wondering and if what I'm thinking is on track with what you want from your readers.

:)

Thanks! Big Brother changed it for me after I sent him a message. Glad you like it, haha!

Alright, fantastic! I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page, I'm glad to see that we are! :D

I would like to say that your writing is absolutely amazing. I loved in the first paragraph the comparrison to the moon and her vulnerability. It truly captured me and made me want to keep reading. In my opinion, I do think there is a slight inconsistency in the transition to him going home. There is just a slight break in the flow. The description of the house was very thorough and I could picture it vividly in my mind. It also says "painted a glossy black reflected neeo's face back at him." Is this on purpose? I can't make sense of the sentence. All together, this is a very intriguing story. You are a very good writer :)

Hey! Thank you deeply for your kind words, it means a lot! As for the sentence you quoted, yes, it was on purpose. I wanted to describe the car being a shiny black, so much so, that Nero could see his reflection on it. I guess I was a bit awkward in the phrasing.

Thanks again for your review and kind words!



I love how we all band together to break things...
— Kelpies