So I was in Hawaii for my holidays! Me Angela Riascos! I so couldn’t believe it. I had begged my parents so much for this (along with my little brother Joe) . We really wanted to go and prayed constantly for my parents to accept. I knew we were importuning them but in the end, it was worth it. As we were now in at my uncle’s resort in Hawaii admiring the view of the sandy beach and the crystal blue sea. I am fourteen years old and my little brother Joe (short for Jonathan) is ten years old. He is quite annoying as a little brother; always telling everything I do to my parents and never leaving me alone. Living with him is pure torture but I know that I also can’t live without him. Then there are my parents, Rob and Laura. I love them so much! They both understand me, and are extremely tolerable towards my little brother and I. I can’t imagine my life without them; it would be worthless. They are everything for me and I know they really love us; the best proof being my current location: Hawaii !
The first thing I did when I got to Hawaii (after showering, unpacking and eating) was to go to the beach. Now the beach as I quickly noticed was really full of tourists and locals too. I fought my way through the thick crowd to the stand of ice cream some distance away. As I was about to give my order, a girl came out of nowhere and pushed me away. She gave her order and turned back to look at me with a smirk on her lips. I was so shocked and angered that I remained inactive.
“You must be Angela right? My so unwanted roommate!” the disrespectful girl asked. She was about my height with very blonde hair; so blonde that it made me wonder if she didn’t have highlights by any chance. I already started to feel a strong dislike for this girl who was being so mean and disagreeable to me. “Uh yes I’m Angela, Angela Ria-“ i started. “ Yes, yes i know that !” She rudely interrupted, in an exasperated sigh. “Okay so why did you ask?” I haughtily inquired as my patience was wearing thin. What in the world was up with this girl anyways? “Just to be sure. I thought you might somehow look more... attractive. I just didn’t expect you to be so bland, since we like come from the same family and I’m so beautiful.” Oh my gosh, I thought. This girl was worse than the most self-centered girl in my school back in Beverly Hills! “Well you’re very wrong; sorry to deceive you” I said with a smirk on my face. “ But uh apart from that did I really hear you mention ‘family’ and ‘roommate’ just now?” I pursued because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to deal with such a girl as a family member, even less a roommate. “Unfortunately for me, yes. You were driven to a certain beach resort right?” “Well yes…but” - again she interrupted; without letting me express myself . “Yeah well that’s my dad’s place- your uncle’s house. So uh I’m your cousin, ew that sounds so bad; and that’s not the worse. We’re like supposed to share MY room! I begged my parents to install you somewhere else but for some reasons they refused. I was so furious.” No! Oh no! Not HER! God why? I silently asked. Why did she of all people have to be my cousin? Se was so egotistic. The worse of cousins I could have; and what’s more? I was supposed to share my room with her! Her existence had already made me feel that these two months of holidays would be torture- my holidays were ruined!
“oh no !” I exclaimed. “Are you serious?” “Do I look like I could be joking with something so disgraceful as this?” I rolled my eyes and pushed past her. “wait, what’s your name again?” I asked, turning back. “I never gave it to you in the first place you know. Anyways uhh my name is Laura.” I tried to forget about her. I went back to the resort for my swimming costume. I had a swim in the warm water- very refreshing. It left me time to think. The only solution to have fun in Hawaii was to completely ignore my roommate whose very existence was so irritating.
Later I discovered, this was not to be. She couldn’t stop poking in my business and she’d never leave me alone. For example, when this cute guy introduced himself to me and invited me to this beach party, she started asking me question. I tried ignoring her at first then the questions were way too much; I answered them to her delight.
“Angela, that Orlando isn’t made for you. I’m telling you, he isn’t a serious guy. All he wants is to play you.” Said Laura while I was getting ready for the party in our room. “Oh yeah? Well I’ll judge of that myself okay?” And I stormed out of the room annoyed.
When I arrived at the beach where the party was taking place, I was impressed. There was the DJ in a corner mixing music in such a good way that he made everyone dance, even the shyest people. There were many people invited and the food was just awesome. I started feeling a little out if place as everyone I saw had company while I couldn’t find Orlando anywhere.
Suddenly, I felt two hands slide themselves around my waist slowly. I whirled around wondering who would dare touch me like that. To my surprise, I saw Orlando grinning down at me with an almost devilish grin. I noticed how I shivered; this guy made me feel a little uneasy but I tried to repress that sensation. After all, I was here to have fun, not to be suspicious of people I didn’t know. “Would my lady want to give me this dance?” Asked Orlando, offering me his hand as the music changed to a slow rhythm. “Of course my lord. I would be pleased to.” I answered. Which is how I found myself on the dancing area in company of a good-looking guy. I closed my eyes and let the rythm of the song flow through me. Then sometime later, Orlando asked if I’d care for a drink. I said yes. The beverage he came back with turned out to be quite bitter. It was alcohol he told me, judging from the expression of distaste he saw on my face.
That’s all I remember. I have no idea of what happened later. I woke up in a dark room, my head throbbing immensely. I tried to get up but I couldn’t. Something was acting on me. I could hear voices from somewhere near. I recognized Orlando’s voice. “Ha ha ha that girl was so easy to fool.” He said, laughing. “Ha ha yeah I know right” said another guy. I didn’t recognize him. Probably I had never even seen him in my life. My eyes quickly got adjusted to the darkness of the room. I saw a door and slowly crawled towards it. I was about to try the handle of the door when It opened violently, sending me crashing behind. It was Orlando. I was terrified and held myself together tightly. “Well well, how is my princess doing?” he asked a grin on his face. Now I recognized that grin; it was his evil grin he had offered me at the party but I was too dumb to notice. He made an attempt to touch me but I retreated even further back. “Don’t you dare touch me!” I screamed. He started laughing. I was so scared but kept my cool. I don’t even know how. I think he had drugged me to bring me here; yes, it was all clear. He probably inserted a drug in the drink he had offered me at the party.
Suddenly, the door crashed open and in poured men in blue with guns- the police ! “Hands up, you’re under arrest !” yelled one of them. “But, but no I was just trying to help.” “You have the right to keep silent” continued the police officer. “All you say will be held against you at court.” Oh my gosh, I thought. God had just performed a miracle. These police officers had come to my rescue. But how did they know my whereabouts? The answer to this question appeared at the door: Laura. “Oh my gosh ! Angela ! Are you okay? I’m so sorry I didn’t stop you from coming here earlier. She held me in her arms and gently rocked me as I sobbed. “Shush it’s okay now; the bad guys are gone” she said half jokingly. “Let’s go for a walk she suggested.” I agreed and we went outside. Once outside, she told me how she had also been a victim of Orlando but with her, no one had come to save her. She had wanted to tell the police but she was too afraid. Now I understood why she was so disagreeable before. Her bitterness had changed her. She was angry at the world for what Orlando had done to her. She blamed everyone.
The following weeks with her were bliss. We went to the beach, surfed gossiped…did everything that normal teenagers did. I discovered her fun side after my incident. I really would miss her when I would leave. She was the best friend I never had, though at the beginning, I must say that we started of at the wrong foot.
Back in Beverly Hills, I looked back at the times we had together with bliss. I missed Laura greatly. Thanks to her, I had learned that I shouldn’t judge people without really knowing them and knowing the reason behind their actions. I know that I’ll cherish my moments of happiness spent with her forever.
THE END !
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hi!
I came to review. First of all, the way you wrote the story kind of bored me a bit. However, the idea is good but also very well used (as in a lot of people write these kind of stories). I liked the dialog but you don't describe the way Angela feels more in depth; you use good words but you need to use figurative language. Also, you should be much more descriptive of what's going on, like it kept jumping around way to much.
In the beginning, you're being to straight forward of her life, especially since its a first person story which makes it seem kind of hard to describe her life. In many stories, authors don't flat out say "hey my name is ____ and I'm 15" and so on. In a way to help, describe Angela arriving at the hotel and Joe annoying her awfully and then the reader would know he's the usual get-on-your-nerves brother. If you don't like that idea, make this story like a journal entry so then you can describe what her little brother and her feelings towards her parents are like. Also, you should be more descriptive on their looks. Again, since it's a first person story, many times people describe it in dialog or going to a mirror.
Hope that helped!
Hey there, Doxie! I'm here to review
First off, this whole story sounds a lot like a blog entry, especially because of the parenthases. You really shouldn't have those in the story. Also, the narrator of the story is never supposed to speak colloquially - that is, to speak casually or conversationally. Like the way you would talk to your friends. The narrator never ever ever does that. It's just bad form.
Adding on, your characters are supposed to avoid this to an extent. They're not supposed to say "uh," "um," "like," or "so," as filler words.
Secondly, you need to remember your rules of grammar and punctuation. Every time a new person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. Every. Single. Time. Also, speaker tags are always lowercase if they follow after dialogue.
Speaking of dialogue, I'd like to point out that most of your characters' dialogue isn't believable or realistic.
Do you know anyone who would actually say these things when they met someone new? Like, seriously... who does that?
I'm not a huge fan of the dialogue between Angela and Orlando either, but whatever.
Next, I have some advice regarding word choice. Find every single instance you use the word "so." Almost all of them should be cut out. You shouldn't use "so" as an adverb. Also, you have a lot of boring adjectives. Great. Cool. Awesome. Sweet. Bad. Awful. Mean. Words like this have their place occasionally, in much longer pieces, but in a short story there really isn't any room for them.
Lastly - and most importantly, I feel - I'd like to talk about the plot, the theme, the characters, moral of the story, etc. What were you trying to get across? According to your title and description, it's about the friendship formed between Angela and Laura, and how you're not supposed to "judge a book by its cover." What happened in the plot? Well... there's not really a plot, or at least a clear one. You just sort of jump from one thing to the next. Most of the story is focused on Orlando and Angela, which seems to be a very serious issue. I can't tell if he raped her or not, but he obviously abused her. That could be a story in and of itself.
Moving on, interaction between Angela and Laura is very... stereotypical. Girl hates girl. Girls share secrets. Girl and girl become uber-super-cool-BFFs. The end. There's no character development whatsoever. I think it would be a more interesting story if Orlando was completely gone and you focused solely on the relationship between the "long lost cousins," which, by the way, is also somewhat of a cliche'.
Angela is a very bland character. She doesn't have any apparent flaws, strengths, interests, personality, etc. Laura is a bit better, once you sort of explained what happened to her at the end, but here's my two cents. If you had Laura tell Angela about what happened between her and Orlando before Angela went out and got herself abused, that would give both Laura and Angela some more character; and, honestly, I don't think Laura reacted in a very realistic way at the end. If nobody came to "save her" from Orlando, then she most definitely got raped (at least that's how I see the order of events happening: boy meets girl, boy gets girl drunk, boy rapes girl). So, if she got raped by this Orlando guy, and it was probably recently, as in within the last 2 or 3 years, she would've acted a lot more extreme when Angela tells her that she wants to go out with Orlando. At the end, when she "saves" Angela from him, she probably wouldn't be all kissy-smoochy-huggy-I-love-you-cousin. I bet she'd be pissed. She'd feel resentment towards Angela, and she'd feel like Angela is now indebted to her. But she'd also feel relieved and empowered that she stopped Orlando from doing something horrible to another girl. Then the cousins would work through these intense and conflicting emotions, have their happy ending before the summer was over, and Angela would frolick back to Beverly Hills, jotting down every last bit of her summer.
That sounds like a more interesting story to me, but obviously, it's your call.
In conclusion, you should work on plot, character development, and making it not sound like an IM to your friend. "O BTW ur nvr gonna believe wut hpnd this past summer!"
You've got a decent platform to kick off from, and I hope you take my suggestions to heart, possibly editing and reposting. I'd love to read it again! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, comments, or want to chew me out. Keep writing. Toodle-oo.