Heya!! I'm a musician so am probably going to take this review in a different direction than most. My first thought when listening to the recording was that their is not a massive amount of rhythm in the singing.
'Dream under the ocean' in the recording feels slightly out of time. I would advise maybe finding a one syllable word for this, as lyrics like 'Dream under the rocks' and the like works far more comfortably.
'Firmly twisted under the ground' is also a little too long to work comfortably while being sung in time.
The same goes for, 'And there eggs grow up to be mighty adults'. Just feels a tiny bit rushed.
Would probably choose not to have the word 'light' in two adjacent paragraphs (The one about the stars and the one about the sun) but that is just personal preference.
'And it will slide down you until it stops', is a not brilliant end to a really great paragraph. Maybe try think of something a little more climactic for that.
I liked 'Stronger than ever, not to be broken', even though it's out of time, it just felt like it worked a little more. I would say keep this in as a fun vocal quirk. However I would say, 'And they are different shapes and sizes', doesn't quite work as well and feels more rushed, so I would suggest shortening this.
'Dream about the wishes, that never came true, but now there here right in front of you, wish your biggest wish'. This is a great paragraph! I would however suggest that you remove 'wish your biggest wish' as it feels like you're over extending the paragraph and making it a little longer than it needs to be.
'Dream about the things that you want to be, there are so many options, but it’s so hard to choose, which one is right for you.' I also really like this but think you could remove 'there are so many options' as it makes the paragraph feel too long again.
'So Dream far away on to an island, that is full of your deepest wishes, hopes and dreams.'. I think I personally would change, 'So dream far away on to an island' to something like, 'So dream yourself away to an island' to give it a bit more flow. Also remove 'wishes' from 'wishes, hopes and dreams', to make it a bit smoother to sing.
The 'Oh, oh, oh' part could have a really lovely harmony in.
You start off the paragraph that goes 'One day you’re dreaming, on top of the clouds, one day you’re sleeping on top of the moon just in your tiny room.', really well, and it makes me feel like you're going to keep going strong but after 'One day you're dreaming, on top of the clouds', you go quiet again for the rest of the paragraph. I think it would work really well in you changed that paragraph to, 'One day you're dreaming, on top of the clouds, one day you're sleeping on top of the moon, one day you wake up back in your bed', just to continue the theme of sleeping. Then you finish off the song with one big harmony and a long single note on 'Oh dreammmm'
I hope this review helped! It's been really nice having an audio snippet to work with as I feel I work much better with music than words
Also, I really loved this song and was wondering whether you would want to work with me to turn it into an actual piece of music, complete with instruments and backing voices? If you are, please send me a private message or drop me a comment saying you're interested and we can get to work! )
Well done on this!!! It was really brilliant and you have an awesome voice!!!
Have an amazing day and keep on writing!! Your stuff is great