Published August 25, 2026
“Our story begins, as all the greatest stories do, a long, long time ago!” Shayar began, and the people settled in.
“It was a time of magic! A time… of dragons!” They cheered.
“They were fierce!” they cowered, “They were magnificent!” they murmured in agreement, “They were beautiful and dangerous and beloved and hated! In fact…” Shayar looked up at the Castle behind them, “one of them, by the name of Jadugar, roosted like a proud hen at the very tippy-tippy top of the Fallow…”
ⱡ
The rider came from the south, along the Iron Road. He wore broken armour, on his back hung a broken shield. His face ought to have been hidden ‘neath a helmet, but the helmet had been sundered and the man’s cheek was gashed. Ahead, not too far, through failing eyes behind heavy lids, he saw the palisades; the standard atop the towers, the flag flying from the castle. Did his lord await him? He did not know, and he hoped that he did not.
The gate guards gave a cry, and the palisade gate was opened swiftly. They shrieked and beseeched Banc for protection as they saw the knight pass them by. He should be dead, they said. How is he still alive? Another asked.
He rode on without speaking. The horse underneath him was not his for his own, Buckle, had been killed. It was not the only death he mourned that morning.
He rode till he collapsed. He collapsed, quite by chance, in the shade of the Old Ash.
*
In the centre of the Castle, there stood a keep – the tallest, it was said, in South Frain. In that keep, named Greystone, slept the lord and his lady and her daughter. It was an early morning, the grey sky was still untroubled by the golden light of dawn, and Serafina – the young daughter of the lord – looked out across the Vale.
Her mind was troubled with secrets which ought not have been hers. She wished, as she stood, that she did not know. But she did, so her mind was made up.
She wore white that day, a loose dress and thin for the day was hot. Her long hair, blonde and thick, was made up in a bun. Over it all, she donned a thin coat and did up the knot of the bonnet. She picked up a basket, which was filled, incidentally, with lavenders and blue-bells, and took a long look at herself in the mirror. She looked nothing like the heir apparent she was, or so she convinced herself.
The disguise, that of one of the handmaids, proved enough for she slipped through the gates without trouble. As she walked down Fallowstone Hill, she saw to her right a rider.
She stopped in her tracks, and could not stop herself from thinking, over and over again, he is supposed to have died! It was good, she decided, that he hadn’t. There may yet be hope. So she picked up her pace, and hurried down the hill hoping to meet with Sir Tauth in the market square.
When she arrived, she saw him ride into the square. He paused a moment, then collapsed.
*
When Tauth woke, he was certain he was dead and glad for it. It was dark around him and he waited for one of Banc’s Judges to appear, like a ship out of the fog. He sat up, for he was lying down, and blinked. The world began to take shape, and Tauth’s heart sank upon recognising the shapes of the Arms’ basement.
There was a woman sat beside him; it was Lady Serafina!
In another time, he would have got to his feet, but he lay back down and groaned. She did not seem to mind.
“I thought I had died,” he spoke and his throat was dry as sand.
“You should have,” Serafina replied.
“Why am I not?”
“I couldn’t let you die. You are important,” her voice seemed pained, though Tauth was unsure of what he heard in that damp basement. “Here,” she pressed a cold bottle into his hand. “Drink it – fully! It will help with the pain.”
“Beer?”
“No.”
“Damn.” He got up, raised it to his lips, and drank. It tasted like sweet grapes but it burned like whiskey. “What is it?” he asked after he had coughed. “It nearly burned me alive from the inside!”
“A decoction. One of my own design. You needed it to live. Feel your face,” she instructed, staring at him intently.
Tauth raised his hand to his face, and in so doing noticed that the gauntlet had been removed. In fact, all his armour – including his gambeson – was gone. Still, his fingers had traced the wound on his cheek and, lo and behold, it was sealing itself as he felt! It was as though his skin was being stitched back together. The shock of the sensation, which felt like a hundred slimy worms wriggling against his fingers, caused him to recoil.
“Witchcraft!” he cried, half in disbelief, half in joy.
“Hardly,” Serafina rolled her blue eyes.
A few moments passed, moments in which Tauth downed another one of those fiery brews, and felt his shattered ribs fix themselves, before either of them spoke again.
“Why did you save me?”
“Because without you, all is lost. I had hoped for the Captain of the Wall to help, but a Knight of the Keep is better by far.”
Tauth wanted to be angry, but he couldn’t be. “Why would I help you? Your father sent my men and me to our deaths!” he had hoped to shout, but all he managed was a half-angry rasp.
“I know why, Sir Tauth. It is not because he has gone mad, though I fear he has. He wanted the Knights of the Keep to die, so that he may enact the final parts of his plan,” Serafina’s voice was small, smaller than Tauth had ever heard it be. “You and your men were the only ones who could stand in… its way.”
“It?” Tauth sat up straighter, now more intrigued. "Don't you mean him?”
Serafina stared at him for a good long while, her blue eyes cloudy with tears. “No, Tauth. He means to summon hellfire.”
*
“He promises the dragon gold, you say?” Tauth asked.
Serafina was used to Tauth being more competent than he was in that moment. Perhaps she should have noted that the man was battle-worn and wounded, but this she felt had been cured by her. She said none of this, of course, for she was not stupid. “Yes – all of it.”
“Coins?”
“Yes, but largely ingots and jewellery and the like.”
The morning had turned to evening by the time Tauth had woken, and the Castle’s Arms was now bustling with people. Above them, Serafina could hear the boisterous crowd; they sung badly, the piano was being butchered, they shouted as the drank, they cheered as they spoke. Through the small grill window of the basement, there trickled in the smallest hints of firelight.
“How did he speak to a dragon?” Tauth was still in disbelief.
“I told you, I don’t know. But he means to command one, or so he plans. I doubt it will work, but I do not imagine a dragon will take kindly to being tricked.” Tauth nodded as she spoke. “What then will the dragon do? Fly away? No, not if what we know about them is true. No, it will burn everything down in revenge.”
“So, you mean to kill a dragon? It will be difficult."
“No, by then it will be far too late. I mean to kill my father.” She nursed her beer, a drink she had grown quite fond of over the last few years, and stared intently at Tauth whose eyes were narrow with suspicion.
“How do I know this isn’t simply a plan to seize the keep for yourself? Make yourself mistress of the Vale?” he asked the only logical question he had to ask.
“You don’t,” Serafina answered honestly. “But my father is not an honourable man.”
Tauth shrugged, but his eyes betrayed his agreement. “What do you then suggest?” he sipped his third bottle of Serafina’s concoction. “It occurs to me that it is impossible your father has not heard of my return. I rode down the High Street, the gate guards know me, I collapsed in the market square.”
Serafina grinned. “Worry not,” she said simply. “No one remembers any of that.” Tauth looked as though he wanted to argue, but Serafina did not give him the chance. “We must leave, first and foremost.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” Tauth noted.
“True, but there is a… man I must see. He is like me – gifted in what you call magic, that is. Havenock is his name, and his tower is hidden in the Oaken Maze. We journey there tomorrow at dawn. Are you well enough to ride?”
“I will need a sword and some mail,” was his only response.
Serafina jerked her head toward a corner of the basement, where rested a gambeson, a longsword, a skullcap, a coif of mail, a riding cuirass, gauntlets, and a kettle hat.
“You work fast.”
“I have been planning for a long time,” she said flatly.
“Well then… to the old forest we shall ride!”
ⱡ
The children sat silently, the adults too were quiet. The wind blew gentle in their faces, as Shayar paused for breath. They were amazed, the ones to whom Shayar was new, for he sang without halt and story-told without stop.
He smiled at them, having filled his lungs, and they looked at him as a child looks at cake. Their looks, the particular looks adopted by those that have gotten lost in story, filled him with great happiness and his smile broadened. He laughed and cried, “Oh! What a day to tell a story!”. They laughed with him.
“Shall we continue?” he asked, and in unison they called, loudly and gayly, “Yes!”.
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A Butterfly has landed to review your work! <3
Hey Dom! A Butterfly has landed to review your work, and I really enjoyed this opening chapter! This has the feel of a classic fantasy-storytelling, but with a dark mystery underneath it that made me want to know about what is happening in the Vale.
The Egg
This opening with Shayar immediately caught my attention. It feels like someone is sitting around hearing an old legend being told, which gives this story such a nice fairytale quality.
Then you jump from the storyteller to the wounded rider and I really liked that! It takes the story from near-happy and legendary into something much more serious.
The Caterpillar Hatches
Tauth's entrance was great as you immediately know that something VERY bad happened before he came. Broken armour, no horse, wounds, and a tired ride all tell us about the battle without needing to explain it all.
I especially liked how his first concern is not necessarily about surviving, but about the people and things he lost.
Growing & Molting
Serafina was probably my favourite character here. She comes off as sheltered noble girl sneaking out in a disguise at first, but we learn that she has been carrying a huge secret and has been planning about her father.
That line says a lot about her. She isn't making it up as she goes along, but she has planned something for a while now.
Spinning the Chrysalis
The healing magic was another thing that I enjoyed. Tauth wakes up expecting death, but discovers that his wounds are literally healing! It creates a great intro for the magic system without having to give the readers a bunch of rules on it.
His reaction to it was also hilarious
The contrast between his disbelief and Serafina being casual about it made their dynamic really fun.
The Transformation
The dragon plot is where the chapter really caught my interest. Serafina explains that her father intends to summon a dragon, promise it treasure, and somehow control it. It raises so many questions in a matter of seconds!
And then:
That was probably my favourite moment. The story suddenly grows beyond just the idea of stopping a dragon, and it has a political/family conflict underneath it. Serafina seems to know a lot more than she is letting on.
Wings Taking Shape
I liked how you have written in Tauth's suspicion as well. He isn't blindly trusting in Serafina's words just because she is noble. He actually suspects that she might mean to take her father's keep for herself!
Her answer-
-is so simple, but makes her more trustworthy. She isn't trying to convince him to trust her.
Breaking Free
The final decision to go for Havenock and the Oaken Maze gives the chapter a nice adventure ending. We now have a wounded knight, a mysterious magic-user, a dangerous father, a possible dragon, and going into an old forest. That is basically a checklist for me wanting Chapter 2.
First Flight
I also liked how you jumped back to Shayar at the end. This framing device gives us the question as to who is telling this story and how much of what we are hearing is legend or not. The children being completely absorbed in the story makes the ending feel warm, despite what happened in the actual narrative.
Favorite Nectar
My favourite part here was the combination of old-fashioned fantasy storytelling with hints that something much darker is underneath it. Tauth and Serafina are fun to see together as they do not blindly trust each other, but circumstances force them into an alliance.
This chapter feels like the beginning of a much larger legend, and I am especially curious about Havenock, Serafina's abilities, the dragon, and what exactly her father is planning.
Lovely work, Dom! This was a really fun fantasy opening, and yes, my brain went crazy trying to figure out what the actual story behind Shayar's story is. <3
Hi Dom. figured id still review these next few works so that whenever you do come back you have some feedback to take in. #teamtortoise
This is a comma splice.
This isnt a sentence so you dont need the semicolon before it.
I get what you're saying, but this was rather tricky to read.
Why is it incidental? Are those flowers supposed to represent something? Is there something she needs them specifically for, because we as a reader are not privy to that information. (Upon later reading, I am assuming they are for her concoction, but it isnt specified then either.)
Eh. I feel like if this is from his pov there are more tactile ways to say his throat was dry. Did it feel like sand was being poured down his throat? Did it hurt to swallow?
You dont need to both explain and then have the character said it's a burning drink. One of the two will suffice.
Ummmm....okay. But like, what is it then because they certainly isnt normal medicine is it?
The location of the ellipses in this sentence seems strange. I read it several times, but I dont think it really flowed any of the ways.
I'm going to say a bit of what I said yesterday. The bouncing pov in the same chapter feels a bit jolting, and I think you lose nothing from starting it in her pov. What is there in the first bit that we don't learn later on?
The idea of hiring a dragon is an interesting and very dangerous proposition, especially from a king who is apparently fine with backstabbing and lying. I am a bit confused as to who the knights are and why they needed to die, or who they died fighting? Is an army of knights any match for hellfire?
~Messy
Hello again, Dom!
I loved how in Chapter One the tranquil ambiance of Valeford quickly turned into an intriguing story. It was clear from the start that there was something beyond Fallow's Castle stories told by the villagers, particularly because Tauth is wounded and Serafina is the one who saves him, and does it discreetly.
Probably, the most exciting element of the chapter was the character of Serafina. This girl knows more than she is ready to say, and her decision to disobey her father made her a heroine with a sense of power.
In addition, her intentions remain vague – there is no way to know if Tauth can actually trust her, and it made their conversation more exciting.
It was fascinating to find out about the dragon and the plan to summon hellfire. Instead of being just an interesting story with a mysterious castle and an old legend, there is a concrete danger in the back of this legend.
Those funny moments between Tauth and Serafina were a great way to avoid a too heavy chapter. For example, it was amusing how disappointed Tauth is in not drinking beer while drinking the healing drink.
In any case, I would suggest avoiding introducing too many new names and locations at once. This is common in many fantasy writers. The world is obviously vast and extensive, but it can be easier for readers to remember certain details if given some time.
To sum up, it was an interesting chapter that helped the plot get clearer and provided an opportunity to get excited about finding out what will happen after Serafina and Tauth will get to the Oaken Maze.