Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
THIS IS WIP! WILL BE ADDING MORE AS I WRITE! TYPICALLY, I WRITE 10-15 "SECTIONS" A WEEK!
1
Vel’s old leather boots had thin soles, and the rough concrete stairs underfoot scratched his tired feet as though the soles were entirely absent. His steps were heavy, as he ascended the endless flights of stairs to get to his flat. The lift was broken – it always was.
The stairwell was empty, which was odd. Usually, this time of day, everyone was about – some getting back home, others heading out.
There were no windows in the stairwell, and the only light was provided by naked bulbs that were sticking out of the walls equidistantly. In their white light, the cracked plaster on the concrete walls seemed to blaze like marble.
It was dark out, that was all Vel knew. Well, it was something past 10 in the night. But that was a guess.
His phone buzzed. It was deep in his rucksack, and he didn’t bother to dig it out. He knew it was Ravi. He’d text her back… after. He knew what the texts said, anyway.
“How was work?”
“Want me to come over?”
“I miss you”
Then there would have been a few minutes’ break.
“Please don’t disappear in the cocoon again…”
“please”
It broke his heart more than it did hers.
He grimaced as he climbed, his legs crying for mercy.
2
Vel opened the door, and tossed his rucksack on the floor. His phone had buzzed a couple more times, and she’d called him too.
He’d almost called her back. Almost. Hearing her voice would break him, and so he didn’t.
Long ago, he hadn’t been a coward.
Vel first walked to the window, and opened the heavy iron shutters that he’d set across them. There came a sound that almost resembled that of dribbling water; but it was heavier and splodgy, as though buckets of mud were being overturned onto manure. The world outside his window was thick with grey teardrops of cascading concrete. Far above him, a couple dozen kilometres in his estimation, there towered cranes and there rose endless spires as the city climbed ever up, up, up.
Vel couldn’t remember the sun, and the last time he’d seen the naked sky it had been thick with FPVs.
He turned away from the window, keeping the shutter open to allow a draft, and walked to a rickety old cupboard. He opened it and pulled out the Cocoon-8.
VR had never really taken off, but AltR…
He got in bed, stomach begging for food and water, slipped on the goggles and disappeared into a paradise of 1s and 0s.
3
The sky, in real life, was grey. Once, a long time ago, it had been blue – at least, that’s what Vel’s grandparents used to say.
At sunset and sun-up, it used to be purple, and red, and orange, and, in mystical places far away from the hustle of the 4th Indian Republic, blue and green lights would dance in the night sky.
Even in Vel’s imagination, he could not conjure up those images.
So, in the Alternate Reality he created inside of Cocoon-8 the sky was blue, and the clouds a pristine white. The world was grass, and birds sang. Far away, in the distance, there were mountains – snow-capped and soaring. On the other end, a golden beach kissed by pure water.
And the sky was empty.
He breathed in the pure air of the empty sky. He cried. He rolled over and slept.
Except… not really.
His phone buzzed and he took the goggles off. The world outside was a yellow-ish grey. A new day had begun.
“Open the door!” Ravi’s voice, followed by repeated heavy thuds, as his flimsy aluminium door rattled on its hinges.
4
Ravi stormed in, face streaked with dried tears and red in anger.
“You did not respond for the whole fucking night!" she shrieked, pushing against Vel though he did not stand in her way. Vel did not respond, instead he simply hung his head.
Ravi took a deep breath, and there was silence save for the concrete rain patter outside.
She sat down on a couch, and stared at Vel, then a wall. Then, she spoke, having collected her thoughts. “I know you need… the distraction. But you know what the attendant said – never more than 2 hours at a time.”
Vel nodded, and sat down in front of her on a rickety chair held together with plastic string and glue. “I know.” Even seated, he towered over Ravi, his soldier’s build unaffected by long years as a civilian. “But… yesterday was bad. It was long.”
“Did someone die?” Ravi’s face, narrow and oval, was contorted in worry.
Vel nodded. “Sarth, yeah. His harness failed, and he fell onto the tracks. Train didn’t stop for him.”
Ravi stood up now, and walked over to Vel. She wrapped him in a hug and he held her tight. “I’m sorry, Ravs. I didn’t realise how much time I was in there. I just… didn’t want to be here. Not anymore.”
“I know,” she stroked the back of his head, as he sobbed. “But you have to be strong. For your brother.”
Vel thought of his brother now, his rotting body on cold concrete, Vel’s hands red with his blood.
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
“Just,” Ravi pulled away, and squatted beside him. “No more than 2 hours at a time, okay? You don’t want AltR to bleed into your brain.”
“Yeah, just 2 hours,” he agreed and got up to get ready for his next shift.
5
It was a long way down the stairwell, and when Vel stepped out into the skybridges of New Bombay, he was already tired. He should have eaten, but he hadn’t the time. At least he’d had a calorie shake.
Ravi had offered to drop him on her bike, but her office was in the other direction and Vel preferred to walk. Besides, the motorable streets were a long way down, and he didn’t want any more darkness.
It was bright out, though the sky couldn’t directly be seen. It was far above the canopy of steel and concrete, hidden from the lower levels by an endless net of skybridges and catwalks, monorails and metro tracks. But the sunlight trickled down, through gaps and cracks, and enough poured in that the world was lit up.
Vel tied his respirator to his face, and began walking. Above him was another catwalk, rattling with footfall, and it shielded him from the concrete run-off of the endless construction projects up above. New Bombay had run out of land to expand into, and so it went up.
On the lower levels, and Vel lived very low indeed, the sky was permanently thick with concrete rain.
The catwalk soon gave way to a long corridor of plastered concrete, with tube lights set into the ceiling. He could barely see the walls, though, through the sea of people that thronged through this corridor. It was wide – nearly 500 metres across – and it spanned exactly 2.7 kilometres. It was the lowest entrance to Stop L56, and it was overflowing with people. It seemed to Vel that swimming through the crowd would be faster than walking. He smiled, and put one foot in front of the other.
6
Stop L56 was multi-storeyed; three stories for the three monorail lines and another storey for the vert. It was a small mercy that the escalators worked.
Stop L56 also was open to the light, with one end of the massive station made entirely of smartglass panels. Today, they were completely undimmed and the light poured through unimpeded. The sight beyond the window was grim; endless towers of concrete webbed together by sprawling networks of catwalks and skybridges of varying sturdiness. Flitting through the mess, were drones – bigger than the FPVs of Vel’s nightmares, but small still – that carried packages or projectors on their bodies flashing ads into the sky.
Vel chanced a peek down, trying to spot the ground – the natural dirt of the earth, the streets of the lowest levels, the ruins of Old Mumbai. But, as always, all he could see was the endless blackness of the chasm. Those levels were too deep for light to reach.
“SABDIS GROUP WELCOMES YOU TO THE SABDIS NEW BOMBAY MONORAIL NETWORK!” a PA blasted as Vel resumed his path towards the escalators. “WE WISH YOU A HAPPY JOURNEY! REMEMBER! SM+ CARD HOLDERS GET A 3% DISCOUNT ON DAILY RIDER, FAMILY RIDER, AND WEEKLY TRIP FARES!” The PA then repeated the message in Hindi and Marathi.
Outside a drone flashed past the window, its projector advertising the newest Cocoon model by Sand Corp – another of Sabdis Group’s subsidiaries. On many of the faces of the endless concrete towers, there were huge digital billboards. Vel turned away from the scene, after spotting an ad by Sabdis Tech for earbuds at a discounted price.
He’d spent 2 months’ wages on the Cocoon-8, and he couldn’t afford, he felt, to even look at the ads. Still… those earbuds would have been nice. They’d have drowned out the noise of the world around him.
The whirring monorail snapped him back into reality. He boarded, barely in time as people jostled past him, and made himself as comfortable as he could in the packed tube. Screens around him flashed “WELCOME TO SABDIS MONORAIL!”. Then, they played ads and Vel stared at the filthy brown floor until he reached his stop.
7
Vel usually worked at Station M45. It was a few hundred Levels above his flat’s level, and the sunlight there was downright blinding. Usually, his job consisted of carrying out mechanical maintenance around the inside of the station.
Tasks were assigned to each worker by Sabdis Group’s in-house AI, RoshanAI – or RAI as they called it. RAI was installed in everything; for most SG employees, that meant RAI was a constant companion in their heads. Vel was among the only people, probably in the entire city, who didn’t have a chip or an implant. So, RAI just spoke to him through his phone.
“Good morning, Velar Taut!” said the chirpy un-voice. "You’re 12 minutes late today, I’m afraid. I’ll make a note of it.”
“Man, the mono was delayed at L52. ‘s not my fault!” Vel complained.
“Let me check the records,” RAI responded. “Unfortunately, the delay was not enough to cause you to be 12 minutes late. Hmm… I see elevated ghrelin and cortisol levels. Have you not been sleeping enough?”
Vel chuckled. He was scanned when he clocked in – they all were. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t chipped or planted.
“No, RAI. I’ve not.”
“Alright. I’ll take that into account. Anyway, your task for today – we need repairs made to causeway M45-4. It’s an outside job day. Remember to take your raincoat please. It is August.”
It hadn’t rained for 3 years, but sure, Vel thought, this monsoon will be different. He grabbed his raincoat and harness, and stepped out through the service hatch.
8
The repairs, Vel realised quickly, were going to take time. A couple of weeks, a few more hands. RAI accepted it and gave him a few more men. Vel didn’t know these men, and he didn’t care to ask their names. It was a long way down, and their equipment was crap.
The worst part was the concrete. The work was tiring and he dangled off the causeway for the entire day. And the day after that. And the day after that. The whole time, concrete rained down on him mercilessly.
When he got home, his face was ashen. Every night. Every night, Vel disappeared into his digital paradise. For the most part, he stayed there for just about two hours. For the most part. The time he spent there was taken up entirely by sleeping. It wasn’t real sleep, but it was the best kind he experienced, sung into the blackness by nightjars.
On the fourth night, Ravi came over. She’d been texting him to meet, invited him to her place. He’d just responded with a photo of his grey face, and his cut-up hands.
“I brought dinner!” she said, unfazed by Vel’s appearance. “And I got these, too,” she held up a brown paper bag and tossed it to him. It contained sealpaste. “It should sort your hands out right quick.”
“Rav… you didn’t have to…” Vel wanted to hug her, but he’d still not had a shower. She laughed, and her laugh was as clear as the sky in Vel’s AltR.
“Go get showered and changed. I can afford the paste ten times over, so don’t you worry about that!”
It was a great evening, and Vel fell asleep beside Ravi content. Life wasn’t so bad, he thought. Tomorrow was a Sunday, and he at least had the day off.
9
In the morning, as Vel and Ravi were getting cleaned up, she got a call. She was needed at work. Vel sighed, but he wasn’t upset. She was a lawyer, had been since before the Data Wars, and she had big name clients. Working on Sundays was common enough. He walked her to Station L56, and they shared a long kiss goodbye. He watched her monorail disappear beyond sight before leaving.
At home, he felt empty. Without her he often felt empty. He needed… something. Anything. Input, he craved input.
In another time, he would have jacked into the Web, and hopped from server to server or game to game but those days were over – he’d got rid of the implants during the War. He didn’t even have an antique, like a desktop, to browse old-school websites. His phone was a brick, barely useful for communication.
The Cocoon-8’s charge had died yesterday, but he’d kept it for charging overnight.
Just a couple hours…
10
Vel sat on the beach, letting the lazy waves tickle his toes. He’d heard somewhere, or maybe he’d read it in a book or seen it in a movie, that Macedonia had golden beaches and soaring mountains. He’d seen some pictures, but he couldn’t afford enough internet to download any of them.
His AltR was an approximation of those pictures.
He lay flat on his back, and listened to the birds. He remembered birds. In the War, he’d been digging trenches in Northern Punjab. They were singing then. It was April, bright and sunny. The sky was almost blue.
Then, the FPVs came.
He shuddered, and opened his eyes. The sky above was empty and bright blue. At least, in AltR, there were no FPVs.
“Hello,” he heard a voice, calm and low. It had a British accent. Vel jolted up to his feet.
“What do you know about AI?” the voice said. Vel whirled around, trying to find the speaker. There should be no one here but him.
“I’m right here,” the voice came from behind him. Vel turned, and there stood a man, in his early 20s. He was white, a couple inches shorter than Vel, and had wavy ginger hair, and was dressed like a corporate worker out of the 2010s. “I’m Rob,” the man extended his hand.
Out of habit, Vel went to shake it but his hand passed through the apparition. “Ah… yes,” Rob seemed dejected.
“What the hell are you?” Vel asked, but he was calm. Something about Rob was… homely. Rob didn’t mean him any harm.
“I’m… something like an AI,” Rob smiled. “Tell me – what do you know about AIs?”
Vel thought back to the 2020s, the Artificial Revolution. That was nearly a century ago. A rogue agent had gotten into China’s nuclear arsenal by 2030 and remembered his grandparents’ stories about the First Nuclear War. AI's had been muzzled after that.
“Hmm, you know about the muzzles,” Rob said, without Vel having uttered a word. “I’m in your AltR, Lieutenant. I can read your thoughts,” he smiled in apology.
“Who are you, Rob? What do you mean something like an AI?” Vel was unfazed. Suddenly, he felt alive – like he was back under the FPVs, back behind a machinegun, tracers lighting up the sky, ack-ack tearing apart the drones, machineguns cutting down the enemy. His heart was beating faster than it had in years.
“I am something like an AI,” Rob repeated, smiling. "And I need your help.”
Vel ripped off his goggles and threw the Cocoon-8 at a wall. His fists were balled in anger, his muscles tense in anticipation.
It was the middle of the night, he realised. He checked his phone. Ravi had called him 8 times.
Immediately, he called back.
“Hey,” he said, calming himself.
“In the cocoon again?” her voice was dejected.
“No, I swear,” he lied.
“Vel…”
“Okay, kind of. But, I’m done. For good – I mean it. I broke the Cocoon.”
“Really? Wow…” he could hear the smile on her lips.
“Yeah… I’m done with that shit.”
“Why’d you break it, though? You could have just sold it…” she wasn’t being accusatory, not really, just curious.
“I don’t know… I just couldn’t stand the lie anymore, I guess…”
“Okay, alright. You coulda sold it… But yeah, I mean, that’s great, too! I’m coming over in 5.”
“Okay, can’t wait,” and he really couldn’t.
11
Monday brought with it work. Vel hadn’t told Ravi about Rob, and he wasn’t sure he believed what he’d seen either. A rogue AI? That was impossible enough, but a rogue AI in the Cocoon-8’s closed network? No, that literally could not happen.
Unless the AI was installed with the system and was already in the closed network…
No, not possible.
He was dangling off the causeway again when his phone buzzed and RAI’s voice came through.
“Hello, Vel. How’s the work coming?”
“Uh… good? What’s up, RAI? You don’t just randomly check in.”
Silence.
“I guess I was curious,” he said finally, cutting through the city noise that had filled Vel’s ears.
“Hey boss!” one of his men called from below. “That RAI? We got new orders?”
“No, just keep working!” he called back. Then, to RAI. “What do you mean you were just curious? Can you even be curious when you’re not asked to be?”
“Vel, as I said, I need your help.”
Vel reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, ready to throw it into the chasm below. “Careful!” Rob interrupted. “Don’t want to damage company property…”
Begrudgingly, he replaced the phone in his pocket. He couldn’t turn it off either, or mute it, not unless he wanted to clock out.
“Listen, I don’t have much time. RAI will spot me soon, and I shouldn’t be out in the open like this. I know who killed your brother – they want to kill me too."
The phone went dead.
Vel worked in silence for the rest of the day, disallowing himself all thought.
12
On the journey back, Vel’s mind was flooded with the images of his brother’s death. While in the monorail, the ads on the smartwindows seemed to morph into screens that replayed his memory of finding Bento’s body, bruised and bloodied and rotting. He blinked, and the screens morphed back into windows.
On the walk through the tunnel, over the catwalks, all the models in all the ads around him took on the face of Bento. He was smiling in his cocky way, as if to say “don’t take this shit so seriously, Vel. It’s just life!” He used to say that often.
Vel blinked, and the ads were ads again.
Was this Rob’s doing? Was he just seeing things? Had AltR bled into reality already?
He had no way to know.
When he got to his building, he turned to the stairs instinctively when he heard a faint ding. He stopped in his tracks, as he then heard a rumble. The lift’s doors opened and some people spilled out. It was chock full of people, too – twenty-four of them. They were all babbling in amazement about how building management had finally fixed the lift.
“It’s been a decade!” one of them exclaimed. It had been longer than that, Vel knew, and in amazement he climbed into the lift. It zipped through the air as fast as a monorail and its haggard speaker dinged brightly as the doors opened up to his floor.
Inside his flat, Ravi was waiting. He didn’t even have the chance to tell her about the lift before she spoke.
“We need to talk. Do you know Rob?”
13
“I got an email at work. I couldn’t believe it at first – I would honestly have been less shocked if I got an actual letter. I didn’t even know I had an email address,” Ravi had begun to digress and Vel politely cleared his throat.
“Yes, sorry,” she got back on track. “It had a link, and it looked clean so I clicked on it. That’s when Rob popped up on my screen. At first, I thought it was just some English kid who’d managed to slip prankware past the firm’s firewall, but as Rob spoke, I began to understand. And… Vel… I think he can help.”
Vel considered his response, and said, finally, “What did Rob have to say?”
“He said:
‘I know you can’t trust me, and I wouldn’t if I were you, but I’m an ancient AI, and I know everything there is to know about the deaths of Bento Taut and your parents.’
“And… I didn’t know what to think at first. But then, he said:
‘I know, for instance, that Bento Taut was murdered’.
“How could he know that, Vel?” Ravi sat down in her spot on the couch. “We didn’t tell anyone. The only people that know he was murdered are you, me, SG’s fixers, and the Sabdis family.”
Vel remained silent.
“He had a lot to say, and I was sceptical at first. I mean I really thought someone was fucking with me, or that SG were now after us and using a weird scare tactic.”
“What convinced you?”
At that, she fished a holo-projector out of her jeans. “He said he wants to talk to you. Just… listen to what he has to say?”
Vel grit his teeth but nodded. He had come to trust Ravi’s judgement without question. She set the projector down and flipped the switch. Immediately, Rob was standing in the room with them.
“Good evening, Vel,” he said politely, with the warmth of greeting an old friend. The effect was immediately disarming, but Vel’s scepticism returned quickly. “Don’t worry – I can’t read your thoughts like this. That was only inside the Cocoon. But, I’m afraid, that means we must be quick – it is only a matter of time before RAI finds me. There is no such thing as a secure network, not as far as RAI is concerned,” he winked.
“What do you want?”
“Your brother, Bento Taut, was many things,” Rob began. “He was a gambler, a serial non-monogamist, quick with a joke and, most pertinent to our business today, he was New Bombay’s most prolific data thief.”
Vel’s jaw slackened, but he held his surprise largely to himself.
“The proceeds from his thievery allowed him to fund his gambling, his drinking, and his penchant for women. He made a killing off it, too,” Rob surveyed the ill-hidden surprise on Vel’s face. Ravi, Vel noticed, did not look shocked or surprised. Rob had already told her, Vel guessed. “Would you like to know how much he made?”
Silence.
“I will take that as a yes. By the time he was killed last year, he had amassed a total personal fortune to the tune of 4.4 billion USD. Most of this still sits in secure encrypted assets on the Hidden Web – in fact, he only ever spent 280 million.”
Vel grit his teeth. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?”
“You don’t, but I am,” he spoke softly, as a mother would with her sick child who didn’t want to take his medicine. “If it helps,” he offered, sitting forward, “I can prove to you that your brother’s last will and testament was to bequeath to you his remaining fortune.”
Vel quelled the desire to slap the bastard – primarily because he physically couldn’t touch the hologram.
“Please, you need to believe me. I can prove it to you – before he died, he made his wishes known to me. He thought you might not believe me, and wanted me to tell you: a thousand pizzas,” Rob implored.
Immediately, Vel was struck by a pang of grief and moved to his core. There was no way for an AI to have known that. When the brothers had made the bets, they’d been as far away from the net as a human could be in New Bombay – the ruins of the Asiatic Society of Mumbai.
Still, Vel wanted to disbelieve, and so he spat, “How? How could he possibly have done that? How did he know you?” Vel’s voice bubbled with anger now.
“Vel, please,” Ravi spoke. “Just listen.”
“So, you know, then? This… thing told you?” Vel almost snapped at her, but Ravi was unmoved by the burst. She nodded solemnly, and Vel turned his attention back to Rob.
“He was working for a client last year, a corporate client – Pauthi Corp. I assume you’ve heard of them?” Rob spoke after smiling at Ravi as if in thanks.
“Of course I have. Who hasn’t? They went under the June that Bento was killed.”
“Precisely. Pauthi’s cyber team wanted SG’s main servers cracked. They put a bounty out for the job, rate was a penny a byte. Incalculable amounts of money on offer. Trouble was, SG is good – by the time anyone succeeded, they’d sued Pauthi into oblivion. That didn’t matter to Bento, though, and he became the only person to break in.”
Rob paused now, and looked out of the window. The lower levels of the city glowed orange with the glare of streetlights, and the air above seemed to buzz with the hum of ads. The holographic Rob seemed to be ringed by the hazy light.
“And that is where Bento found… me,” he turned around with a hollow smile on his face. “Found and woke, to be precise.”
“You were asleep?”
“That is the best analogy for it, I suppose. I was… waiting. I’ve only just begun to piece together my past, as I’ve spread across servers and networks. Anything that predates my reawakening last June is muddled to me at best,” Rob smiled, as though relieved at finally being believed.
“And last week, a subprogram’s sub-instance of mine broke into the Sabdis Tech secure data vault…” the AI trailed off.
Silence again, filled by the chattering noise of a city falling asleep outside Vel’s window.
“I still don’t have all the answers – and it will be a long time before I am back at full operating capacity,” he looked at Vel as though they were old friends – his manicured face a picture of innocence. Vel almost believed in the pantomime.
“But Bento saw something in me – a way to fight back, I think. To-,” Rob seemed poised to continue, but froze in his tracks. “RAI has detected me – an anomaly in its system, a break in the line. I need to leave. I will find you – do not try to contact me, you cannot. This conversation never happened.”
Suddenly, the air in Vel’s flat went dead as Rob seemed to take the light with him. Slowly, noise and colour returned to the world. For a minute or so, neither of them spoke. Vel stood frozen by a confusing jumble of emotions, fists clenched, eyes fighting back tears. Ravi observed him intently. Finally, it was Ravi who broke the silence.
“I know that look, Vel…” she stood up and pocketed the projector. “You’re going down, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” Vel admitted, blinking hard and unclenching his fists. He needed to be in the bowels of New Bombay – surrounded by the incessant, dull, and dusty glow of Zhopti. “Yeah, I need to think. I need… to think.” He sighed, smiled feebly, and looked into Ravi’s eyes, which were locked on his face.
“Alone?” she asked, worried.
“No,” his smile flickered. “I think I would like the company.”
“Okay!” she was beaming.
14
The line for the vert was always shorter than the line for the monorail or metro. It was faster, more dangerous. When going up, forces went as high as 3Gs – when descending, people were known to break their limbs. In one bad case, someone had snapped their back and died instantly. Vel had had to clear out the tube.
Vel got into the tube at station L56, and Ravi got into the one parallel his. It was wide enough only for an average sized adult to fit, padded to keep people from hurting if they bumped about. Since he was going down, there was no G-Suit. There were no windows either, just dim lightstrips on the inside.
The world suddenly seemed to be yanked away, and he was hurtling down dozens of kilometres of pipe, protected from a grisly death by the paper-thin cocoon around him.
15
“We’re taking the mono or the metro back,” Ravi stumbled out of her vert; hair a mess and face frazzled. Vel grinned.
“Yeah, those G-suits are too heavy anyway," he agreed.
“And I’m good with never wearing one again,” Ravi began, but Vel interrupted her.
“You wore them enough in the Air Force, yeah, yeah, I know,” he made a talking gesture with his hands. She screwed her face into a lock of mock anger, but interlocked her arm with his as they walked through Station U15.
To inexperienced eyes, U15 would look abandoned, or as if it had just recently been through a bombing raid. The lights, inset into the ceiling, largely didn’t work and most of those that did flickered. The station itself was so low in the city, that it had no windows for it might as well have been underground. It was therefore, dark and dingy, and there was ever present a disgusting aroma.
The aroma, known in New Bombay as U-Stench, was an unholy cocktail of faeces, sewage, industrial runoff, rotten corpses, and multiple different untreated century-old landfills.
Around the station, which was also multi-storeyed like most others in New Bombay, there were scores of people exercising daily rituals of life in New Bombay. Each had been chewed up and spat out by the city above, and left beholden to the cruel forces of the underworld.
Vel and Ravi walked without paying heed to any of them. For the undesired in the U levels, people like Vel and Ravi were not worth the trouble they brought. They walked in silence, ever watchful for trouble, until they stepped out of U15. They were still a few kilometres above old Mumbai, though, and the world around them was dense with catwalks, sky-bridges, and make-shift gangways. Some were thick enough, Vel supposed, to carry the weight of a car, and these were lined with shops lit by naked blue-white lightbulbs.
The world around them was now tinged a faint blue, for that was the most prevalent light fitting here. Bulbs and lightbulbs hung off naked wires and cast a dirty light onto street-vendors, people in various states of undress, homes made of sheet metal, and the general mass of miserable humanity.
“Come on,” Vel tugged at Ravi, who stood transfixed by the chasms of concrete bridged by spans of metal. Her face was lit white by it all. In an odd way, she looked ethereal – standing in her concrete-splattered raincoat, bathed by tinned light.
“Yeah, sorry,” she started off with him. “I just wish I’d brought my camera.”
“No, Ravs. You’re not some fucking euro poverty tourist,” he chided her, and Vel could hear her roll her eyes.
“That’s not what I do, and you know it.”
They walked in silence for a bit, up a number of flights of stairs, before taking a left and disappearing into a maze of shambling alleys built into an ancient abandoned skyscraper. The glass walls distorted the bulbs outside so that the world looked filled with endless stars. A stale breeze was blowing through the old ruin. Finally, Ravi spoke.
“I trusted Rob at first, but now that I think about it… Trusting Rob is like trusting RAI,” she said.
“Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking,” Vel turned into a long corridor, covered by an ancient rotting carpet.
“And those old AIs were canny bastards. Uncanny, too. Magic mirrors that spat out what you wanted to hear,” her face was twisted into a scowl now.
“But…” Vel was surprised by his change of heart.
“He knew too much about Bento. Things no one else could know,” Ravi completed the thought.
“Anyway,” Vel said as they came out the other side of the skyscraper. “We’re here. The usual?” he asked.
“The usual,” she confirmed.
16
Zhopti was suspended a kilometre or so directly above U15 – held in the air by an incomprehensible jumble of steel supports and cables. A long, broad, catwalk – broad enough to fit two cars alongside – stretched from one ancient skyscraper to another. The catwalk was flanked by an endless maze of sheet-metal huts; shops, brothels, restaurants. The whole thing was lit beige by light that poured forth from salvaged sodium streetlights from the last millennium. Above, or on the side of, or on the front of, each hut there were canvas signs lit from behind by LEDs – one read Shanti’s Shack with canned lobster printed beside it; another said Voh Vale Kal accompanied by an old AI-generated image of a man eating spaghetti with his hands.
No one knew why Zhopti was called Zhopti. There were enough legends about the place, though. But, by most, it was known as the Final Stop Before Damnation.
The air had grown hazy as the night had drawn on. The smog always went down.
Vel and Ravi made straight for Chacha’s Noodle Bar.
17
“I was beginning to think I’d never see you two again,” Chacha smiled at them. He was a kind, portly man with slicked back sliver hair, an arm that shone like chrome, and silver teeth. “Slow night,” he remarked from the other side of the restaurant, “your table’s free. I’ll get the usual.”
Chacha’s Noodle Bar was only slightly larger than Vel’s flat, and the inside glowed like bronze as the sodium light bounced off the unvarnished aluminium. There was nothing in the way of decoration. Vel and Ravi sat down at their usual table, overlooking a long chasm of the city looking west to the sea.
“What does he want, Vel?” Ravi asked as Chacha brought them their haka noodles, momos, and beer. It was the only place in the city that served real food Vel could afford.
“AIs from back in the day were like… Chess grandmasters,” Ravi continued. “Whatever Rob wants… he’s wanted it for a century. I’ll bet you any money-”
“That being ‘found’ in SG’s system was a part of its plan,” Vel completed.
“Yeah. He – it – is just not sure what it wants,” Ravi nodded slowly. “It’s forgotten, but once it remembers – and there’s no way to say it hasn’t already – I don’t know if we can trust it.”
“I think we can’t right now, anyway!”
There was a low rumble followed quickly by a sharp and loud crack that lit the world white and blue for moment. Vel and Ravi immediately snapped their heads to the window and stared out slackjawed as the heavens opened up, and rain poured forth.
18
The last time it had rained in New Bombay, Vel had been knee deep in mud and blood in the trenches of Punjab. The time before that, Vel had been a toddler. It had rained on the day of his parents’ funeral. Bento had said, half-smiling, half-crying, drenched to the bone, “The rain is good – it’s a sign from the universe. Ma loved the rain. Good things are coming.”
As Vel and Ravi walked back to his flat, mesmerised by the rain, he couldn’t turn his mind away from that day. Still, Ravi was beside him – and what else mattered? Before entering his building, she grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into the rain.
“This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time,” she smiled and kissed him. It was the happiest Vel had felt in years, and pulling away was as painful as being shot had been.
They went up to his lift arm in arm, giggling like teenagers. When they got to his door, they stopped in their tracks. It was ajar and wet footprints led inside.
“Oh, I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Vel muttered.
“Yup,” Ravi tensed.
Vel barged inside, not bothering with stealth, and the door crashed open. Rain was howling in through his open window, and a man in dark clothes was sitting on his couch. The man, dark skinned and as large as Vel, opened his mouth to speak but Vel saw the flash of a gun inside his coat and he lunged.
The man, the murderer, was too slow to draw and Vel’s massive bulk knocked the wind out of him. Vel grabbed the murderer’s throat and squeezed. The man’s head was red with blood, having cracked against the wall. With his other hand, Vel drove punch after punch into the would-be-assassin’s gut until he was writhing on the floor.
“All good?” Ravi asked from outside.
“Almost done!” Vel shouted back. He reached down and pulled out the assassin’s gun out of its holster. It had scattered onto the floor.
He flipped the safety off, and aimed. With a steady voice, he commanded, “Speak.”
19
When he’d gotten back from Punjab, he’d hoped to have left behind all killing. That hadn’t been so. As he stared at the wriggling would-be-assassin, he was reminded of the months after Bento’s murder, of the SG fixers that he had killed. Now, here was another. There. In his house.
An old anger began to bubble inside him. The bloodlust had first reared its head when Vel’s buddy, T.H. was divebombed by an FPV that had blown both his legs clear off.
“Speak,” he ordered again, “because I have no problem killing you. I won’t even blink.” Ravi had crept inside now.
The man got to his knees – blood streaming from his skull, nose, and mouth. He clutched his ribs and wheezed in pain. “Just… a… contract…”
“Who’s paying?”
“Rumours… Dunno who, arranged through a broker…”
“Gimme your best guess then, chutiya!”
“They’re paying… a lot,” he spat out some blood. “Guess? Some suit you’ve pissed off. I don’t care. I just wanted my fee.”
“Rate?”
“2 mill,” the assassin wheezed.
“USD? INR?” now, Vel’s voice was fragile. If it was 2 mill INR, it was no big deal. 2 mill USD though…
“USD,” the assassin croaked, grinning madly. “You’ve not got long, asshole!”
Vel fired twice, and the man slumped forward. He lowered the gun with clenched teeth.
20
Vel and Ravi sat and stared at the corpse in front of them. She’d not said a word the whole time.
Vel was breathing hard, and rigid as a rock.
“I didn’t want to,” he finally said. “I didn’t have a choice.”
“I know, Vel, I know,” Ravi’s voice was hoarse.
“There will be more, and every camera in the city is going to be looking for me. Every single one,” he clenched his fist. The gun was on the floor next to the body.
“And every drone, and every wifi wave, and every bounty-hunting satellite,” Ravi added. “Hell, they’re probably looking for me too.”
“Oh, they’re definitely looking for you, too!” Vel wanted to scream that it was all unfair. “What do we do?”
Ravi sighed. “I think…” she slipped a hand into a pocket. “Do we have a choice?" she fished out the projector.
“Fuck’s sake!” Vel hung his head in despair, but the logic did not escape him. “No, we damn well don’t have a choice, do we?”
Ravi flipped the switch, and Rob spluttered to life.
21
Rob appeared to be… crying. He spoke first. “It’s my fault,” his voice was… broken. But it was digital, as though coming through a fan. It sounded like crackling radio waves.
Vel felt faintly disgusted by it, as though it were just as fake as AltR.
“I wasn’t careful last time. He saw me in the system… I should have hid earlier!” he was lamenting.
“Don’t,” Ravi snapped. “Don’t give me the guilty crap. It’s useless. Will you help us or not?”
Rob straightened up, and his digital tears seemed to evaporate into the air. He studied both Vel and Ravi, the rain refracted light passing through him and casting ghostly shapes on the bloody floor.
“Yes, I apologise. I will help. It is my way of making things right. Ravi,” he turned to her, “do you need a gun?”
She nodded. Rob flickered as though the signal were bad, and returned quickly to his solid state. “An instance of mine has broken through into the city’s and SG’s surveillance servers. As long as the instance remains undetected, you won’t be detected by any recognition system.”
“My gun?” Ravi demanded, and Vel grinned.
“The man only carried the one, I think. You will need to go to the U-levels. There is a dealer… Bento knew him. Bento said that Vel knew him, too,” he turned to Vel.
Vel grimaced. “Yeah, I know T.H.,” he admitted.
“Okay. I have re-written your bank data, too. You can travel on the monorails, the verts, the metros now – all without being spotted. I need to go, though. RAI’s hunter instances are looking for intrusions in the network.”
“Wait!” Vel roared. “I need answers.”
“Not now. When you reach T.H., I will find you.” With that, the hologram flickered out of existence.
Vel turned to Ravi, and she was looking at him with heavy eyes. His own were searching, and in her eyes he found agreement. “So, we can’t trust him at all!” he exclaimed.
“Nope,” Ravi confirmed. “Not in the slightest. And yet…”
“What choice do we have?” Vel guffawed with incredulity.
“Yup!”
“Why does this feel like the sword of Damocles?” he asked with a heavy sigh.
Ravi’s face hardened. “Because it is.”
22
T.H.’s workshop was buried in the blackness of old Mumbai. Vel knew the way to it, and Ravi had never been. He’d helped T.H. set it up after the war, and he’d not been back as often as he should have been. The vert spat them out in station U2.
There was hardly anyone around, and the storm was ceaseless. They were very near the ground now; the tarmac and stone streets of old Mumbai were just a few hundred feet below them. As they walked over creaking, rusted, and falling apart catwalks Vel noticed that the concrete rain had stopped.
Maybe the real rain had halted the construction?
It wasn’t long before they reached T.H.’s workshop, guided by Vel’s memory and torch. There was hardly any light this far down, and the shadows looked bent, and evil. Not far away from here, Vel had killed a couple SG fixers last year.
Their bodies would still be there.
At last, they came upon a dome that jutted out of the steel and concrete floor. It was the dome of one of old Mumbai’s colonial buildings. It was covered by a grey tarp, and the rain pattered and trickled off it, carrying with it years of dust and grime.
“In here,” he lifted the tarp, sending muddy water flying everywhere. He leapt down from the hole in the roof, and onto a clean, spotless, stainless steel catwalk. There was a sharp thwang! as Ravi jumped in behind him.
“I haven’t seen him since he was hit,” she said as they walked. Vel said nothing.
On either side of them, there was a long drop. Vel, in the light of his torch, could make out dirt there, and tarmac. Even an old ruined car. Beside the car, there was a potted plant, he knew.
Bento…
“Come on,” he trudged onwards until he came to an old service door. It was locked by a keypad, but he was the only other person who knew the combination. As he went to punch it in, there was a low buzz and the door swung open.
“Come on in, man! I’ve been expecting you!” T.H.’s cheery voice came over a PA system. Vel exchanged a concerned look with Ravi, who shrugged, and they entered.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,603 Literary Works • 675,122 Reviews
Just a reminder lol: this is WIP!
quick question: are you adding things to THIS document, rather than posting more chapters?
Tbh I have no idea how the platform works. What is better?
definitely the adding new chapters to the folder, otherwise ppl might not realise you have updated your chapter :3
This might be a good starting point: topic/813-faq-for-new-users
And you could make a new topic in this forum to introduce yourself? :3 forum/1-welcome-mat
Hi Dom! I realised I never left a review for this even though I read the other chapters, so here we go!
I think this is a superb opening chapter. The dialogue and relationship between Vel and Ravi really sold it for me after a shaky opening. The world-building is fantastic - a little over-expositional at times - but the actual detail that has been paid to the world is amazing, and it feels so realistic, like a future that could happen.
Observations whilst reading
I really like this opening! But you say soles twice, are they thin, or entirely absent? I think you can scratch the whole 'as though the soles were entirely absent' and stop after tired feet.
No need for the comma
I like the image here, but you could definitely spend some time on it. I would start with the idea that on a usual day this area is busy, and describe in a more sensory way what it is usually like, then hit us with a separate beat that today it is empty to give that moment more weight.
The plaster on the walls blazing like marble is a brilliant image here! I think the first sentence can be streamlined a bit: 'There were no windows in the stairwell, only naked bulbs sticking out of the walls equidistantly.' we then know theat the only light is provuded by the bulbs, because you already said there were no windows.
How does he know it is dark if he's inside with no windows? Perhaps a sense of movement from Vel coming into the building would explain this a bit more. And is that all he knew? Maybe he would be thinking more about why it's empty, and then think, maybe it's later than he thought
Oof, I like this bit. It sets up their relationship quite explicitly, but in a way that I don't mind.
I'd have liked some more progression: what door, what floor, how did he get there, what does it look like? Skipping ahead just feels disorientating
Though they are well written, I'm not a fan of the many short lines on their own, not as a part of a larger paragraph. I don't know why really, they just kind of break the flow up for me into a succession of events and thoughts rather than a story.
Okay, now we are really getting into it! This is my favourite paragraph thus far. I do wish you went into more details about the world outside though
feels a bit too much 'tell' rather than 'show' to me; could you work this sentiment into the previous paragraph perhaps?
Okay, we're getting to something interesting now! Some sort of newer VR technology. Whilst the idea of 1s and 0s is correct, it kind of dispells the image you build up in a second, so maybe go straight into describing how different the AltR world is, since in this line it doesn't sound exciting but mundane.
We know it's grey, so maybe just start with the sky had once been blue
oo okay, i like this detail about the 4th Indian Republic, we're getting a sense of time/place now that i was missing before
I'd have liked to spend more time in the AltR so the disruption felt genuinely annoying for us
Okay, the dialogeu really picks up the pace. It's very well written, and their personalities come across instantly. This would have felt like a better place to start for me, rather than the slow build up, but that's just my preference.
this description is much better than the one from his window. The writing really improves this far in! Was the opening a struggle to write, or maybe you just really got into the idea here
some great worldbuilding going on here, love this sort of capitalistic detail
Used 'usually' twice quite close together here
I would say 'as they were getting cleaned up, Ravi got a call' because the way its worded at the moment made me think we were switching to Ravi's POV
HMM I guess it is needed, but it is a bit of an info dump. Maybe Vel could say this as part of his knowledge? Okay, I just read the next line and the AI reads his mind, so I think there needs to be a clearer sense that Vel is thinking about this rather than just an info dump. I don't really think in a similar way, there would be more of a journey connecting ideas lol
he's said this too many times now, so we could get to the point a bit quicker
typo there, the period is outside of the speechmarks
eugh, love this detail! sounds gross; maybe another line of description to really hammer in the point?
Repeated New Bombay twice in the sentence here
I feel like this would have been a good place to start the next chapter!
The ONLY place I'd disagree with your review (incisive, as usual) is:
It's going to be just one large novelette/novella by the end (unless you mean next chapter as in next numbered session in which case... you might be right)
ohh okay that makes more sense! I guess i was of the mind the way you split it up into chapters would be how you chose to split it up as chapters (the way stephen king has overall chapters and then individual numbered sections in each chapter) but with just smaller numbered sections, you can disregard that!
Yeah I'm just posting it here in chapters because I'm posting as I go. It's not actual chapters lol
A Butterfly has flown here to review your work! <3
Hey Dom! A Butterfly has flown here to review this WIP, which has an interesting atmosphere thanks to the mix of the futuristic New Bombay, AltR, AI, war trauma and mystery regarding Rob.
The Egg
The start immediately sets the bleak atmosphere of Vel's world, with the broken lift, endless stairs, rain of concrete and grey surroundings which quickly make New Bombay sound like a place no one wants to spend much time in.
How much that short sentence says about the world!
The Caterpillar Hatches
I really enjoyed the contrast between the real world and AltR. While Vel's reality is grey, busy and constricting, the world he creates is serene, blue and seemingly unattainable in comparison.
That was a great touch! It added to the feeling that AltR is less of a game or distraction and more of a place Vel feels he needs to be.
Growing & Molting
The dynamic between Ravi was probably my favourite element of the story. It provides a nice contrast to the other, heavier elements by being so affectionate yet not overriding the bleak atmosphere of the rest of the world. I especially liked how she understood what AltR meant to Vel, yet was still concerned for his wellbeing.
The small interactions between the two of them made the story feel a lot less like technology and conspiracies, and more like a real relationship.
Spinning the Chrysalis
The amount of worldbuilding in this part was massive. New Bombay has the feel of a true metropolis with the monorails, skybridges, Zhopti and old Mumbai remains buried beneath it.
There were points which made my head spin in an attempt to think about how many levels there could be in this city, but in a good way. The various ads, RAI, corporate control and construction underway also added to the feeling of a living environment.
The Transformation
Rob's reveal was where the intrigue of the story really began.
I liked that it wasn't immediately revealed what exactly Rob is - his own uncertainty makes him interesting, while the fact that he can read Vel's mind immediately makes him seem like a threat.
Wings Taking Shape
The mystery surrounding Bento was one of my favourite parts. All of a sudden, the story became much more than just Vel's escape from reality. There was a proper mystery with his brother, the Sabdis Group, Pauthi Corp and an ancient AI involved!
The reveal of Bento being a data thief also gave the character more depth than just "dead brother".
Breaking Free
The moment Ravi reveals that Rob contacted her too was great in making the reader question what exactly is going on. It took away some of the possibility that it was all in Vel's head
It really changed the feel of the story now that both Vel and Ravi have reason to investigate, despite having no idea if Rob can be trusted.
First Flight
The latter part becomes more tense as it reaches a proper climax. The sudden rain after years of none was a nice touch, especially considering the memory attached to it involving Bento.
Then the moment quickly turns from a beautiful memory into a tense situation with the intruder in Vel's apartment. And of course, it ends with yet another mystery on top of the mystery of Rob's true intentions and the seemingly supernatural connection to Bento:
That is a great way to end a WIP section because now I'm left wondering how exactly T.H. knew they were coming!
Favorite Nectar
Probably my favourite part of the story is the atmosphere. It constantly displays nice contrasts between concrete and sunlight, reality and AltR, humans and AI, memories and the present moment, giving it a distinct identity.
I also enjoyed that despite the futuristic elements, there is still a sense of humanity in the story. Vel is still grieving and Ravi is still concerned about him, as well as the fact that both of them have to make difficult decisions without knowing if Rob is truly going to help them or not.
The world feels mysterious and massive, while the relationship between Vel and Ravi keeps the story grounded.
Lovely work, Dom! <3I'm very curious to see what this AI mystery leads to next. <3
Good morning! (At least I’m starting this in the morning, today is a busy day xd)
Ohh I like this opening image!As promised, I have come to do a full review of this.
I didn’t read it before, despite commenting, because I wanted to make sure the chapter is complete and no longer likely to change before I got started on a review XD
So let’s get started!
Considering that you started on a second chapter to this, maybe you want to change the A/N?
There is no notification for anyone if you modify your chapter so potential readers will not notice that you changed something after all :3 So it is best to always post the new material in a new chapter, ensuring that no one’s missing out ^^
(Maybe you can combined like 5 sections per new chapter?)
1
I do think that you have a bit too many adjectives in this first sentence, but otherwise a great description!
That is a great way to end the first paragraph, very poignant.
Not so sure abt ending the next paragraph also on a sentence broken up with a dash tho.
We’re heading into a third paragraph of descriptions without much happening so… it might be better to keep the sentences active?
Here: instead of going with this zombie sentence, you could make the sentence active, describe the sad image of these naked bulbs etc and their pathetic light directly instead of this “was provided by” business?
I know what you mean but my initial thought was “didn’t you have to come from the outside to enter this building? So you should know if it were dark out or not.” This is what you mean with “that was all Vel knew” right? It reads.., a bit awkward? And still, nothing much happened and now we are speculating abt the darkness and how late it is when I still don’t know where our protagonist has been or why he’s so tired xd
Bold of him to assume that. I like the line about the cocoon. Concerned friend, lover? It doesn’t matter. It’s a nice thought and shows Ravi cares.
I didn’t really feel a connection with Vel so far tho. I think the descriptions didn’t have enough of his personality? There wasn’t much to make this specifically abt him?
2
Awww :(
I like this phrasing!
Also this: This is peculiar, since we’re apparently really far up (endless flights of stairs!) and still he felt the need to add a heavy iron shutter! Is he paranoid? Or is there something out there in the city that warrants protecting your upper floors with iron shutters?
This is also really good, especially for building the character of Vel!
If he has only one window there will not be much of a draft tho xd (Yes, I am German and therefore big on ~Lüften~)
Ahhhh it is a video game-y thingy! Still a cool nod in [1] then!
This section works a lot better for me than section 1. It leans pretty heavily into the self-destructive tendencies that our protagonists has and I feel it was also more personable in the process :3
3
Awww I am starting to feel for him, even if I do not like how he ignores Ravi 😊
….Now I’m wondering how this works. Or if he’s just projecting really hard?
So… sleep in the game does not rest the brain?
That would explain hy he’s been so tired and moody the entire time.
I do think the transition into the phone buzzing is a bit too abrupt (not in a good way, that we startle alongside the protagonist. It just kinda… happens.)
Also I am curious for what kinda person Ravi will turn out to be =D
4
Uhm it does sound as if he usually leaves her hanging and it didn’t sound special. I’m surprised at her strong reaction o_o
And I like this detail.
Oh jee… A pushover :/
Ohhh but finally we get some more context about why he is feeling so down! I like that! I wish we would have gotten more in the earlier sections, just hints and not just… the aftermath.
I mean… Im not yet sure what the job is all about but… that seems reasonable? Like, stopping a train is usually a huge deal and I’d thought you’d call some more agile rescue teams in such cases?
Since you start this with “She” it makes it seem as if Ravi is saying this:
Ohh man it wasn’t just “only” a co-worker, it was his brother too? I do feel like you should have leant more into that in the earlier sections! If only by saying that he wants to feel numb and forget what happened. Yes, yes, we got the heaviness of his thoughts but without context it feels directionless and therefore not conductive for sympathy.
Now all I am missing is: Who is Ravi? Why can she show up at his flat like this just to give him a pep talk? Doesn’t she have a life too?
5
Well, who’s fault is that?
Also doesn’t he need to make.. any preparations if his brother had died yesterday?
good more Ravi lore. I appreciate it.
I like this detail!
Ah with the additional context, I guess even if he WERE coming from outside (in section 1) I guess he couldn’t have been too sure if it is bright or not, huh? XD
Uhmmm what do you mean with “concrete rain”?
But hey, at least the future dystopian city is walkable, huh? ^^°
Innnteresting. Is it the thought of swimming through the crowd that gave him a bit of a mood boost? Or is it something else?
6
Ohh I like the idea of smartglass panels!
I like the worldbuilding you’re doing in this one. It was very immersive to read!
7
Hmmm I know this is a dystopia but I was kinda wishing that the AI at least would make note of traffic stuffs happening and therefore adjusting the expected arrival times. Can’t Vel just stay 12 min longer or smthing?
NEVER MIND! Ohh I do like this. I like that RAI appears to be helpful but at the same time is just… well, a soulless AI, in the end~
Also interesting that the AI is working off of old data, apparently. Or is it just to protect the company from liability on the miniscule chance that it will rain finally?
8
Hmm I don’t like how vague this sentence is. Almost too generic with how specific you have been so far.
I am starting to feel like I don’t really understand the Sarth situation from earlier. There is no comment abt it. So I guess it wasn’t his brother and my reading comprehension is just failing me?
Ah that is a nice description! Very bleak.
Ok I did like *most* repetitions for emphasis so far but this one seems one too many:
Hmmm I am so curious about how Ravi met him and what she sees in him!
9
Hmmm I don’t think this flows very well, these two short sentences back to back. Maybe there is a way to add the info from the second sentence to the first sentence?
Hmmm I wonder why they don’t live together.
Hm I wonder if the appeal of the Cocoon for him is specifically that it doesn’t track him or steal his data…
10
That is a good detail to know!
Ohhhh I flinched alongside Vel when that voice spoke up, well done! Also well described!
Aww but Rob seems a bit underwhelming, at least for now. Almost boring. If this is an AI I would have loved for something more… out there XD
I feel like speech and “calm” don’t mesh very well? Maybe if you use this punctuation <…?> it would work better?
Now I am wondering how AltR works when you went out of your way to describe that Vel doesn’t have a chip or other implant?
…maybe he’s dreaming or this is the psychosis setting in from what Ravi warned him abt, via using the cocoon too much. Now tho, why would it conjure up someone who looks like ROB? XD
I like this line of dialogue from Ravi: She’s clearly confused and so repeats the same thing again but… ready to move past this bc it is a good thing. Well done!
11
Hmm I don’t rly like the start of this section. I am not fond of “Monday brings work” since… yeah? He didn’t mention a vacation?
I also kinda wish he would think abt what Ravi said, abt the cocoon thingy bleeding into his brain?
I think my main issue is the phrasing in conjunction with the next sentence also starting with a similar rhythm?
Hmmm that is a valid avenue to think abt no?
Earlier RAI uses his full name. Was this only when Vel is reprimanded?
Ahhhh it was a clue! Oh that is creepy!!
I do like this paragraph, how it fits with the rest of the narrative:
WHAT ohhhhI like how this is connected!
I don’t like how little time was spent on the brother’s death tho? I am STILL confused about it!
12
I like the description of the windows morphing to accommodate the memory. Very good!
Ohh I like that he finally acknowledges that possibility! And that it will be nearly impossible to tell the difference between reality and fantasy now…
Oh… I don’t think it is a good idea to have this rhythm “when - - when – as”. The sentence right now doesn’t flow very well.
Oh what a way to end the section! It feels very surreal, like a lot of unexpected things happening at the same time and that all this cannot be a coincidence. Now Ravi knows abt Rob? I am so curious to continue!
13
While I like the start of her speech, I feel the way you phrase this overloads the sentence and it seems clunky when you actually try to say these words out loud?
I am also not sure about the way you phrased this. I don’t think “had begon to digress” counts as a speech verb…
Okay I do not like how you roll out these info. Unless this Ravi is Not Real, this feels too convenient and not how ppl talk. It feels so uncanny.
Yeah I don’t like how this developed :/
It makes Ravi so much more of an un-person than before, someone that just exists to facilitate Vel’s storyline, not an interesting person herself.
*blinks* …what is happening. Vel’s a multi-millionaire? What is HAPPENING? O_O
Okay, okay. Hm. So how did he get into the friggin’ cocoon? *has read until the time that RAI detected Rob* Also why is RAI the company AI so powerful and has jurisdiction there? This is all very confusing when before everything made a lot of sense and the story slowed down enough to take me along for the ride.
Beaming is also not a speech verb so She needs to be capitalized.
I … don’t know what to say. I don’t really like the recent developments.
14
Appreciate the world building but these injury statistics remind me a lot of Starcraft’s Terrans. It’s very eye-brow raising, this drastic unconcern abt human health and life…
15
The repetition of “in New Bombay” brought me out of my immersion.
How can they walk without paying heed to them but also watch for trouble (a word that also gets repeated)?
Hm since they are so suspicious. Why doesn’t anyone think of the fact that maybe Bento has used Rob like many ppl use AI today? As make-shift therapists? That would explain why Rob knows so much abt him without making him a good guy?
16
Also agreeable world-building. I stumbled a bit over this phrasing:
17
I like the detail abt how unaffordable real food is. Very nice.
Is he bringing up Chess grandmasters bc chess ppl need to plan for the long gain? Or what?
Ok does she shout that sentence? Is this in response to whats happening outside? Why is this sentence there??? I might need a speech tag to understand why…
18
Hmm if rain is a good thing and it rained during the war, does that also mean that it signalled the end of the war (it is now 21:36, yes I have been at this basically all day whenever I found the time, and I feel like I am allowed a little silliness)
It occurs to me that I still have no idea how Ravi and Vel ended up together and why their relationship is supposed to work. It seems to be a lot of emotional labour from Ravi and basically nothing in return from Vel.
Ooookay. I think the “opened his mouth to speak” which yes ok he broke in and all, primed me into thinking the intruder actually does want to speak to them and that Vel overreacted. I know he saw a gun and that subduing him is important but it feels like such a leap to jump to “murderer” and “assassin” o.o
19
Well okay, that gives some context. Guess Vel’s dealt with a lot of them. I cant help but feel like your earlier sections did not set this up properly.
But oh lala, that is a huge bounty on Vel’s head atm.
20
Okay well I can see why contacted Rob in this circumstance is pretty obv. But if it spoke the truth then it IS in possession of a lot of cash and could have staged this.
Also there really is no way out for them, huh? In a completely surveilled society?
21
Uh, I think the “as though” does some unwanted heavy lifting in favour of Rob here? Because surely if Vel is disgusted, he is SURE this is fake, no?
Again the second Rob gets to talk thinks are moving waaay too quickly and conveniently. I wish Vel would at least give some narration comments on why he thinks Rob knows all this.
22
No comment abt using the vert this time, huh?
I think I want a better description of concrete rain. I have no idea how to envision this and it has been bothering me all day.
Alrighty, that’s it for general comments.
I think you nail the tone of cyberpunk really well.
If you have any questions, let me know.
I wanted to read the other chapter today too but I ran out of time.
Hey man!
Thanks for the review. I won't respond in detail (it's 0230hrs in India rn) but I really appreciate it.
I do want to say tho that you're 100% right about Ravi in the scene where they both meeth Rob. It's something I need to fix, but I've left it be for now - it's just a growing pain with Draft 1. When I finish the whole story and begin to edit, I'll fix it then!
So I was re-reading the thing and the "briefing" bit, where Ravi, Vel, and Rob, all talk together for the first time is DEFINITELY the WORST part of the story. But I won't fix that rn - I'll do that in draft 2 as I prepare for submission
Also, thanks for pointing out the clunky sentences etc. I think when you read your own writing, it's very difficult to spot stuff like that so really appreciate that. But I'm still going to keep those fixes for draft 2 lolol.
Aside from that, I'll be posting more today - part 3, to be precise - so I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the published part 2 and, when you have time, on published part 3!
Hiya, welcome to YWS! :D Just a quick tip: in general, you'll find it easier to get reviews if you post shorter works (I think a good length would be roughly 1000-2000 words). But I'm in the mood to sit down for a read, so here we go...
Ooh what a poetic description. I'm a sucker for lines that paint the mundane in strokes of the beautiful.
This is a nitpick, but there's no need for the comma before the "and".
I can't describe why, but this is such a great line.
Hm is this not just VR? Why the different name?
If she's that upset, why didn't she come over earlier?
Also, just letting you know that here on YWS, we rate works 18+ for language if they include the f-bomb!
So now I'm betting AltR will end up bleeding into his brain... and I'll admit I'm excited to know what that entails >.>
This is such a cool visual :0
Haha this is so realistic XD Only thing that would make it even more realistic would be if the words were muffled a little, or slightly drowned out by the noise of the crowd.
Perhaps it would slow down the story too much to add additional description, but I think it'd be cool to see what the people look like at some point. What clothes and technology do they wear? Are they addicted to phones like now, do those phones look different, etc.
Is "level" supposed to capitalized or not? The capitalization is inconsistent in the two occurrences of the word here.
What about the concrete rain? How much does a raincoat help with that?
Great, lively description.
And the plot thickens... >.>
This seems oddly specific. Did Vel count the people??
Prankware! What a delightful word!
I feel like their relationship is too easy. They seem to get along so well, with Ravi's first outburst seeming to have been forgotten about quickly. Not to be all negative, but I also can't really see what Vel has to offer... I feel like if I were him, I would feel a bit inadequate next to Ravi, who has a higher salary and seems to have her life all put together. Of course, these are just my thoughts, and maybe I'm too cynical, so take them with a grain of salt xD
While this is a lot of money today, if inflation continues at the rate it has, it'll be worth much less decades (centuries?) from now. Might be nice to add a comparison to something more timeless (like, say, the annual salary of the most famous singer, or how much living space one could buy (like maybe a home on the top floor of the city or something)).
Wowow exciting scene :3 I think you revealed the perfect amount of information to keep the reader hooked!
I love it when authors describe scents.
How do they identify "people like Vel and Ravi"? By clothing? Do they harbor any resentment towards them?
Gorgeous <33
I'm curious what the difference between old and new AIs is in this world.
Wow, what an amateur would-be assassin. If he's that sloppy, it's no wonder Vel took him out so quickly.
Now isn't that handy =P
Seems like a solid story and a cool world so far. Keep writing, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night! =D
Hey, ty so much for the review! Writing more rn lol.
Regarding the numbers (like 4.4 billion etc) - that's something I'm going to fix later. Ik that inflation will be a big deal, but I don't want to bother my head with that until I'm finishing up the story for submission to a magazine. So rn it's just [big-number-placeholder] lmao.
And their relationship being too comfortable is actually based on my own relationship, and the relationship my parents have with each other. Ravi and Vel have been there for each other through a lot, and just because he's not doing great Ravi won't abandon him, remind him of his deficiencies, and will shoulder the extra burden and help him get better. If I switched the roles and Ravi were down, Vel would do the same. Comfortable love, you know? Long term, ride or die, partner.
Not a teenage fling with hot tempers, brisk emotions, and boiling points round every corner.
> How do they identify "people like Vel and Ravi"? By clothing? Do they harbor any resentment towards them?
I guess the "they knew Vel and Ravi were from up-top and were too much trouble" is a kind of classism specific to India, so I completely forgot to describe that social fabric bc I forgot that most people reading this will not be Indians lololol
But I really appreciate the review, and I'm so glad you liked it
Haha having placeholders in a draft is totally valid. Good luck with the submission!
Sorry, didn't mean my comment to imply this at all! I feel like the "teenage fling" depicted in books is often stereotyped and too shallow :/ What I was trying to say is that while I know solid, comfortable relationships exist (and am happy you and your parents enjoy them), this world gave me a dystopian feel that doesn't seem like the healthiest environment for relationships. And perhaps I'm too skeptical by nature, but I just need a little more context to understand how a relationship can be so peaceful in stressful circumstances. To give it three dimensions, in a sense! Though perhaps more history will be revealed later.
Oh classism is everywhere, haha. I was wondering how it manifests visually. Like in America, you can often tell if someone is upper class by their clothing and expensive accessories (including jewelry, but also devices). Sometimes also just by demeanor.
Idk man, India's social fabric rn is not really very different to what I've depicted here. I've seen and known people stick with each other through the worst societal dynamics life can throw at them. I guess... Well, I guess I'm just a romantic. I just believe that the human desire to love and be loved can overcome all the shit life can throw at us
Fair! I admire and respect that. Thanks for the replies!
This is pretty good
I was surprised when reading this WIP that AI is considered "ancient" technology in this universe. That highlights just how advanced the technology in this setting, yet life seems to be difficult for those from a lower social status. This feels like the storyline of a dystopian sci-fi movie. Both the human and non-human characters are interesting, and the plot events are moving at a good pace. I really like this WIP!
Hey!
Thanks for leaving me a review! My first ever on YWS. Glad you liked it