The Manor
Chapter 1
The pitter patter of the rain against the window was loud as it echoed throughout the room and slowly corroded the walls that have been in my family since the early times. The gray sky seemed to mirror my emotions and the English country side that surrounded my family’s estate was shrouded in clouds. The black hat in my hand fell to the floor.
Black is such an ugly color. I turned slowly to my wardrobe and pulled out a plain white dress.
I wouldn’t need the servants to change.
I pulled rabidly at the lace wrapped around my thin body and pulled the black veil from my hair. Having been dressed up and paraded around when they slashed the title of mourning across my face was abominable. I scraped at the corset holding me all together and I tried to rip the panty hose off of my legs; they became tighter the more I ripped and the more I ripped the more they stayed. I decided to leave them on and forgo the torture and pulled the white dress over my head. It didn’t have any buttons, it didn’t have any lace: it was a respectable dress for mourning.
White is the absence of color.
I stood in the mirror and took in my stained white linen dress and ripped black stockings all topped with matted and greasy hair that currently was puffed out so much from the hat and veil that it looked like there was absolutely no humidity in the house. But the clothes and horrible hair weren’t the worst thing. The mascara ran from my eyes down my cheeks as if my cold dead eyes were going to kill it with just one look. More water pooled into my eyes staining my ghostly face even more. The face that looked so much like my mother’s and hair that perfectly matched father’s. I wish I was anybody else. I turned and walked slowly away from the mirror and slumped into the old rounded chair the color of the brown walls and looked out the window at the falling rain. Will I ever feel anything again?
A knock came from the door and I startled awake looking around feeling very disoriented. It was night already and almost pitch black if it weren’t for the gray moonlight illuminating the space around my chair. The knock came again.
“Come in.” I whispered. My voice was hoarse. I really hoped she heard because I don’t very much want to speak again never mind any louder. Slowly the door opened and I felt a small bit of remorse for not just pretending to be asleep to been left alone.
“Countess Alessandra,” the old maid said. As I stood up and turned to her I could see in her face her disapproval of my clothing choice. There was silence again as I just stood there and she waited for me to speak. Well, good luck with that because I really don’t want to. “Mistress,” she spoke again. I rolled my eyes and nodded. She pursed her lips and frowned disapproving of my eye rolling but chose not to say anything. Wise choice. “Mistress, would you like me to light the candles?” I nodded and as she went about the room with her torch she continued to speak filling the empty air. “All the guests have been shown out and the linens have all been freshly pressed. There’s some food left in the kitchen if you would like something to snack on. Oh, never mind, it is quite late, isn’t it? By the way, you got a telegram today in the mail from your Cousin Albert.” With that she was finished lighting the candles and she was once again by the door ready to make a quick exit in case I threw another fit like I did before the funeral. I despised Albert when we were little and now that he missed the funeral I think I almost remember why. “He wants you to go see him at his manor.” I looked at her and she flinched. She could probably see my harsh and emotionless eyes despite the distance. Without my response she decided to go on. “It would probably be a good idea and I know how much you two liked each other when you were young. Getting out of this place would probably be a good thing considering…” her words trailed off as she looked at me again with pity in her eyes. Her words didn’t hurt but her pity sure cut deep and I gritted my teeth in anger.
The silence stretched on.
“Margret?”
“Yes, Mistress?” she asked quite surprised I said anything at all.
“You’re fired.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Djinn!
You have to be careful when using long sentences. This text felt a bit asymmetrical/inconsistent at times, because you had both those three-line sentences and then really short ones, and it didn't seem to go together very well.
You also had some issues with tense here - most of it is past tense, but then you had some "wills" and "won'ts" in as well. In past tense, they'd be "would" and "wouldn't".
What does the "it" refer to?
"Porcelain face" isn't a very believable description, especially when the narrator uses it about herself.
Since you're going for an unimpressed vibe here, I think "pursed" would be a better word choice than "puckered". I associate "pucker" more with kissing.
Here, it's quite obvious that this information is for the reader, not the main character. It's obvious, because the MC was at the funeral - she would know that Albert wasn't there, just as she knows that he is her cousin. You could do something like this.
The last sentence is narration, and the first sentence is what the maid says.
You've already used "cold dead eyes"; don't do it again.
The time period/setting seems pretty cool! I like historical type of things, though I can't write them to save my life. Happy writing, Djinn!
Demeter
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Thank you for your review. I've updated the chapter above so hopefully it's a little better. I took into account your comment about inconsistent and rough sentences and will try to fix the piece. Oh, and the 'it' is referring to the mascara running from the eyes hence why it's scared it will be killed. I hope that makes sense. Again, thank you for the review!
Wow. The way you brought the reader into this story was, honestly, pretty impressive. The words and the imagery made me really sad, but that's good! I had never thought about how appropriate it would be to wear white at a funeral, "White is the absence of color" is a very beautiful line. I reccomend telling the reader where they are as to give them insight into this world. What time period? What country? That can have an important impact on your dialouge and your word choice. I got confused in a couple of places because of the switch between past tense and present tense. "I won't need the servants to change," for example is in the present tense and seems out of place surrounded by the past. "I wouldn't need the servants to change." would be in the past. Other than that, which is probably wrong on my past, this story is fantastic and I can't wait to see where it goes from there!
Thank you so much for your review. I do have a horrible problem with tenses and it seems no matter how many times I reread something I don't see any of those problems unless someone points it out and then I think 'Oh! Why didn't I see that myself?' Really, Thank you.