z

Young Writers Society



The Manor ch2

by Djinn


The Manor

Chapter 2

The sun was rising in the east and as soon as I stepped outside I could tell it was going to be a hazy day. I took in a deep breath. I hadn’t been outside for many days; not since the funeral. The cold was creeping so I shuddered and stomped my feet driving it away. A sniffle came from behind me and I turned to face my new head maid.

“Ma’am, the carriage is ready for you.” She said confidently with a quick little curtsy and then stepped back with her head down. Her blond locks shone in what little sun there was contrasting with her standard black outfit. This girl was much better.

I took one last long look at the decrepit estate I was to leave behind and turned on my heels making the old, tattered white dress flow out around me. It was the same dress I put on after the funeral three weeks ago and someone was wise enough to have it washed before I left on the trip. It’s once happy Easter meaning was long gone and instead it served more as a statement than anything else. Let Cousin Albert squirm in my presence before I have to go back to normal clothes.

The driver of the cart nodded down to me as I went up the steps. The five or so footmen hovered around me trying to offer me a hand up but I defiantly refused to acknowledge they were even there. Settling down into my seat the new head maid and ancient butler to my late father joined me in the seat across from mine. This was looking to be a very long and arduous journey to Cousin Albert’s.

At first my interests were focused mainly on the colorful insides of the carriage rather than the murky outside and dark shadows it currently displayed. Old Wilbert was quickly asleep and snoring quietly in the corner grasping a seasoned black cane with a small silver stud up at the top. The new head maid who was either called Talia or Tekla, I wasn’t sure which one, was stitching a scene of a river onto a white clothe as her red nose sniffled every so often. Even though she was quite pretty none of that really mattered to me so long as she was good at her job. The presence of the new head maid had me thinking I had better replace most of the staff. They were old and long retired of their duties choosing instead to pass the work off to younger and less experienced workers. That just wouldn’t due.

The luggage was strapped to the back of the carriage and one unlucky trunk had to go on top. Why Father couldn’t have bought two carriages was beyond my grasp and I simply settled to purchase a new one as soon as I was able.

After staring at every inch of the carriage and memorizing the curves of the faces in front of me along with seeing how long I could count the snores of Old Wilbert I turned my attention out the window. I watched as the fog was slowly but surely being burned off by the uprising sun and tried to write poetry in my head about the passing trees and dusk edging by. When I roughly estimated it was mid day I looked over to the new maid and nodded. She in turn nudged Old Wilbert who promptly startled awake and then used his cane to knock a few times on the roof of the carriage which started to slow down.

“Lunch,” I responded to really no question in particular yet I felt it needed to be said. The new maid nodded to me in understanding of my odd reply or just to the word ‘lunch’ in general I don’t know. The cart came to a complete stop the new maid flung open the doors and out she and Old Wilbert went. I slowly gathered up my dress around my legs and stepped carefully out of the cramped space.

Before me was a wide open glade ringed with mist and dew in almost a fairy tale setting. I stooped and ripped a flower out of the earth and held it up to my nose and smelled its sweet perfume. How nature thought it could go into spring without Mother and Father around was beyond my comprehension. I dropped the yellow bloom and marched to the middle of the glade and sat on the newly spread sheet and waited as the head maid laid out my food.

Cabbages and ham. I hate Cabbages and ham.

I frowned and looked up at the girl and she smiled almost wickedly down at me as she loaded my plate with extras. Why did she hate me so?

I slowly suffered through the meal and ate everything on my plate just to spite her. I glanced over a few ways off to where she sat and saw she had barely touched her plate. Ha! I had won.

While the servants loaded the settings back onto the cart I went right back to the small claustrophobic quarters just to be anywhere but that false cheery place outside that door. Perhaps this was why I hadn’t been outside all this time?

After everything was done the head maid jumped into the carriage and the old man wobbled in a few minutes later. We took off once again and I settled down leaning my head back. Perhaps a nap wouldn’t be so bad?

The snores came up again and I found myself counting once more. Last time I got up to two hundred and eleven. Perhaps this time I could get up even more…


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181 Reviews


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Thu Jan 03, 2013 11:35 pm
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JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



I love your descriptive voice. I'm so interested in everything this young woman has to say. I could see the country side and the images that she wanted me to see. It was quite entertaining. I don't really give reviews on grammar and punctuation unless people specifically ask for it, so I'm going to focus on the story. As opposed to the first chapter, which I loved, I don't feel as thought much happened in this chapter. It all seemed very slow in pace. I was expecting a build up to something bigger, but nothing happened. Other than that, I cannot wait to read more! Happy Writing!




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Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:07 am
Djinn says...



For some reason commas below are turning into code in the comment section. Sorry for the trouble.




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Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:54 pm
Blink wrote a review...



Hey,

I haven't read chapter 1, but this is in need of reviews so I'll see what I can offer! :)

Firstly, grammar:

“Ma’am, the carriage is ready for you.” She said confidently

That full stop should be a comma, and the "She" should be lower-case. You did this properly later on so I'll presume this was just a mistake. ;)

Storywise:

Obviously my viewpoint of your story will be skewed because I haven't read the opening chapter. However, I'm concerned that there's no real direction to this story at the moment; I find myself at a loss to find any sort of plot development. The protagonist has left the house, got on a coach and now wants a nap. Unless I am missing something, little has taken place!

It's worsened by the amount of rhetorical questions that you've used - especially towards the end. The trouble is that these seem to invite the reader to think, and that when the question is as simple as to nap or not then all it really does is slow the pace of the piece down.

Add to that the rather awkward style you've got going on - I know you're trying to sound archaic, but it comes across as unnatural. For example:

At first my interests were focused mainly on the colorful insides of the carriage rather than the murky outside and dark shadows it currently displayed.

This might just be written as "The inside of the carriage was colourful, contrasting with the darkness outside." It speeds things along so that the reader doesn't get bored trying to work out what you're trying to say!

I'd really recommend writing in a tone more natural to you. Don't approach writing by consciously intending to write in an archaic or dry or colourful style. It's best to let it come naturally.

That said, I did like your character development! We did get a few flashes of insight into your protagonist's mind which is positive.

Best of luck!




Djinn says...


First off, I'd like to say that though my writing style is different it most certainly does not need to be archaic and that was definitely not my intention. This chapter was a midway stamp onto the larger picture and used to deepen the main character's personality. The first chapter was setting up the scene as well as the current going on of the MC%u2019s life while this chapter was character development and in the following chapter there will be action. Currently the character%u2019s thoughts are circling around one thought that was expressed in the first chapter and because it still lingers in the air it is not needed to be said. My pieces are meant to be read together considering how short the chapter%u2019s in themselves are and, though it is hard to read a style you are not familiar with, after time it is possible to see the art in it. I%u2019m sure you weren%u2019t able to get through the Lord of the Rings on one try. I implore you to read my first chapter considering I still need lots of work with my grammar and especially my tenses. I do appreciate the review and will try to make a %u2018real direction%u2019, as you put, it into my writing. Thank you. :)




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— Several authors from the auspicious site.