Young Writers Society

Hello! Just at first glance, I enjoyed how you surprise the reader and pull the rug out from under our feet. Up until the line "while your head . . . heard.", I really thought this was an altogether different sort of poem, so that was pretty well done, in my opinion.

Structure
1.) I liked how you use commas and full stops to convey the tone and emotions of the speaker, particularly in the first line, where the many commas really sell how overwhelmed the speaker feels.

2.) I could see where you were going using just one stanza for the whole poem. I think you might have wanted to create a sense of raw emotion flooding the speaker. However, I do think a stanza break somewhere in the piece could have added to the impact without taking away that sense. For instance, at "while your head is filled with the most beautiful lies you’ve ever heard.// i guess it’s how he plays this game". Breaking off at the // could have helped accentuate the switch in tone and made it more legible for readers as well.

3.) This enjambment "it's his mouth half open and his hands// so cold" (and this whole bit of the poem, actually) I found really effective because it creates a sense of eeriness using just a few words (although I do think the comma after 'hands' isn't needed).

Language
1.) In "It's the sight of him . . . ", the "sight of" seems unnecessary. I think the line would work just the same as "It's him rubbing his thumb across your thigh", and taking out needless words is always a good thing.

Other parts I think you could omit are:

-The "I guess" in "i guess it’s how he plays this game"
-"playing . . . with satan himself" could be unnecessary (since you already mention deals and the devil in another line after that)

2.) You evoke the senses a lot, with "rubbing", "sweat", "dripping", and I think the poem could benefit if you used even more figurative techniques and imagery. For instance, I would have loved to see more references to the "game" metaphor/analogy, especially in "it's the danger of falling . . . what is it?" As it is now, this part seems the most literal and unadorned in the poem, so I think it would be interesting to see what sort of imagery you could weave into it to make it more engaging.

Overall impressions
The poem has a mysterious, intense edge to it that I like, which could flourish even further if you took out any superfluous phrasing (to up the pace) and added more detail, particularly in the imagery department. Emotions regarding relationships are a difficult thing to write about with originality since they tend to be complex and have also been expressed by many other writers, so kudos to you for this piece!

Hopefully, you'll find some of this helpful - and keep writing!

Let’s begin with the shaping of your sentences
I didn’t notice things too bad.. but what I did notice was this:
“While your head is filled with the most beautiful lies you’ve ever heard
I guess it’s how he plays his game”
That second line DeStRoYs the flow. And even though you put a dot or point or whatever, people still are inclined to read poetry *fast*. So they’ll miss the point and move on.
I’d suggest
“While your head is filled with the most beautiful lies you’ve ever heard.

I guess it’s how he plays his game,”
Because when you skip a line, we make the pause needed to start a new flow. A bit more below, you do that same irregular flow thing.
“That keeps me so intrigued
It’s the danger of falling so deep in his grasp
But yet the sound of descending into his unpredictable mind gives you that rush.”
First of all, the close present tense you used kinda falls apart; but that line is much too long. I can suggest you take out maybe some words from it- but you must know that in poetry, you can’t fit in everything you want. Some people do that, but they forget the flow they’ve established and that line turns out heavy and I’ll say it.. kind of sticking out like a sore thumb really. Apart from the part of “dealing with the devil,” thing; I think only when you talk of him as a manipulator bothers me. Because, you see; from the beginning you only describe him through like, background words. Vague words if you want. Manipulator is not a vague word. Because you see until then we were making our own image of him. But you ruin that with manipulator. All the slow, mysterious description we had made of him in our minds are shattered- and it is replaced with the image of a manipulator. Because of that, we feel as if that word fills your description- and basically that that’s it.
For the devil part- maybe he HAS wronged you- whoever he is- but that does not make him Satan or whatever. I know this might be just a choice of high impact words, but since you talk kind of like a religious person, or even if not; you know calling someone Satan is not that singular. You are not the center of the world to say such things, and he is definitely not someone worth calling that way. You don’t know his story, and really; it’s not his fault- it’s the fault of those around him. Those who’s presence have twisted him in the way he is. You can’t judge someone that quickly. And definitely not judge someone as the devil.
The rest is fine.