need some shivering cold air,
frozen sprinkle of snowflakes.
where play those tinged colour
through the horizon.
in shuddering cold air strom,
I'll embrace with the lunacy of nature.
or whirling wave,
thrusting over the giant rocks.
splash of blueish seawater
that can devour one with pleasure.
where white froths sway over the wave
that jostles with sand smeared bare feet.
where I'll go towards askance looking sinister
deep inside the hill's hurst ,
through the never ending pace.
like unsolved mystery, footprints here and there.
I'll sing and glean fallen flower
bird's chirping surrounded me everywhere.
or walking through the expanse desert
dust covered lappets,untied scattered hair,
aimless rugged pathway.
I'll walk and walk relentlessly
to see the nature's ecstasy
where desert meets the ocean.
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139,867 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
The first line didn't really make sense because it's just "need some shivering cold air" with nothing else to it. Do /you/ need it, does someone else need it, who needs it? I suggest adding an "I" there. Something that I found with this stanza is that the lines don't do the best with connecting with each other. In the second line you talk about a frozen sprinkle of snowflakes, but you never talk /about/ them. What about snowflakes, do they brush against your cheeks, do they made cuts into your face with the wind? Give us more about the things you're describing rather than just describing them. The third line didn't make sense to me either, this is because most of the phrasing in the poem is quite awkward. You're starting off with "where" and acting as if you're continuing a line, but you started a new line with the period after the second line. Reword this to what you actually mean.
Again with the wording being awkward, but I think these lines have potential. In the first line I see you're trying to describe a storm, and there should be a "the" in front of "in" in the first line, and "strom" should be "storm". Now it would read like: "In the shuddering cold air storm, I'll embrace the lunacy of nature." You need to do some cutting of words, like "with" and "cold air" could become another description that isn't as awkward. The third line doesn't have anything in front of it, so I suggest it being "Or whirling waves" or just "Whirling waves" to start the third line. I thought that the fourth line here had an interesting description and you could probably add to it with the waves lapping over the rocks or swallowing them.
We know that the water is blue, so why describe it to us? You could talk about the depths of the water or something of that sort because that goes along with the second line with it being devouring. If you go with it devouring, you could also say for the first line that the sea swallows the sunlight. Third line, doesn't have anything before it so I suggest rewording "where" in there and I also suggest possibly changing "white froths" to "seafoam" but it's your choice. I generally suggest checking over your grammar and wording of the poem.
The end of the poem started to get weaker for me and I had already made the same points over and over so I didn't want to bore you with them. After the line about the sand and the bare feat it feels the poem takes an awkward shift in atmosphere from where it was and I thought that having the desert and water meet could mean something, like how beaches both have sand and water. It got weaker when you stopped talking about the sea and I thought that also if you wanted you could make this poem only about the sea and a brief thing about the desert and sea meeting at the end because it was where you were strongest.
My final problem with this is, what was the message? You had some pretty imagery that had potential to be good but it didn't really seem to go anywhere other than nature. And that's fine, but we've seen nature before, so add onto it. The message was either not there or unclear because I didn't really get much out of this poem in terms of the theme of it.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
Thank you so much for your valuable review ^_^
Heya, Diap! Casanova here to reveiw!
Okay, let's just get straight to it.
In the beginning line-
It seems as if you're either asking a question or making an,"I," statement, but the comma throws it off for the question and the lack of,"I," throws it off for the," I," statement. Add the comma, or add the I to make it known which is which.
The phrasing in line three-
Made me slightly cringe. With the usage of,"colour," ,"those," should be,"that," or if you meant to use,"those," then,"colour," should be,"colours." To make in better- and I would also suggest switching,"play," and,"those," to give it a better feel. The phrasing here honestly put me off of that line for a moment.
Okay, to be completely frank, I love your imagery. But your phrasing counteracts that. See- when something is phrased properly it flows well and doesn't sound weird. When it isn't phrased properly the flow is poor and sounds off. Your imagery is strong- but sacrificing feel and flow for imagery is a mistake a lot of poets make. One isn't more important than the other. You have to find a balance of what you're trying to say- and find a way to say it.
Anyway, I hope this helps and all.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Yeah I do agree with you
thank you so much ^_^