Sleep come to me
You have been hard to find for weeks
My eyes are red
My body feels like it is dead
Yet my brain keeps talking
I would rather be sleep walking
One, two, three, four in the morning
I should have had a warning
Let me catch a few z's
I am at a great deficiency
Noon, One, Two is when I wake
I nearly missed the day!
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139,254 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hello!
This is great, I know a lot of authors (including myself) have written poems about sleep, or rather lack of therof; but I really like this one and I think it is my new favorite!
The flow of this is interesting, it rhymes but not like cat, rat, bat, more like achoo, with who, do you. I like that you used a slightly broader but still simple dictionary, it makes it interesting but still pretty easy to read.
I do not really see any errors, just that your writing here seems slightly forced; it's like you know what you want to say and for the most part know how you want to say it, but you are not quite sure.
Overall, great job and keep on writing!
Haha. This is so relatable. I think you have a knack for this area. I like the topic you wrote on and the manner in which you executed it. The rhyme however does not seem to flow all too well - like you got stuck and had to rack your brain a bit to figure out a word that is relevant and rhymes with the last word of the previous line. Otherwise i like your poem. I don't know why but it made me smile.
I would Also as dresko suggest manipulating these sentences to end with a word that is more easily rhymed with, or reign in complicated language.
Thank you
-Deskreview-
good luck!
Hey diamondforce99, I was meant to be writing myself but alas, procrastination reared its ugly head once again, so here I am.
This poem is great, it really paints the picture of being super tired but unable to sleep (a situation that many of us are familiar with). You can tell the narrator suffers from insomnia and just wants to fall asleep.
The subject is great and I like the rhyme scheme... however here is where I notice some of the problems with this piece in my mind.
First of all, rhyming is great but in some cases it can come off as forced. Lines don't flow too well together, or a word is chucked in for its rhyme rather than its meaning, which can fall flat when tried to put in context.
e.g. "Let me catch a few z's
I am at a great deficiency"
Like it works, but it feels very unnatural. I would suggest manipulating these sentences to end with a word that is more easily rhymed with, or reign in complicated language.
"Sleepy" also rhymes with "zee"
Another thing to consider is the syllable count for each word - of course this is my opinion and it depends on what effect you are going for... But irregular syllable counts can disrupt rhythm and create an effect is jarring that can yank the reader out of your writing.
I didn't mean to be so critical, but once you iron out these points you have quite a poem in your hands.
I like the criticism. It makes me better writer. I literally wrote this last night at 4 in the morning si I knew it work be rough. Thank you.
You really got the talent in poetry.I can't review.
I think its perfect.
Thank you!