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Historical Haiku!

by Desdemona


I dislike poetry in general, but really love haikus for some reason :P Enjoy

.

.

.

Little brothers sucked...

Hers did too, but rules were rules

Cleopatra sighed.

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A life of torment

First his height, then his battles

Poor Napoleon.

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A life of glory

Left shattered by a break-up

Elvis was no more.

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Powerful ruler

His ego drove friends away

Even good old Brute.

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The man of the dumb

Sexy wife and stupid words

Give Trump supporters.

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My OTP was

Two scientists, man and wife

'Till a carriage came (10 points if you get the reference)

-------------------------------------------

3 weeks without food

With much passion and logic

Got Ghandi his wish.


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110 Reviews

Points: 3092
Reviews: 110

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Tue Jun 21, 2016 8:27 am
TahaT11n says...



the last time, i didn't give a review but clicked on the yes button.. so, i think, i should give you a review. here's the real one-

first of all, i appreciate your trial. writing haiku is already tough and then writing them on historical topics, that's something i gotta applause you for. i do.

unfortunately i don't know about history much. however, i like the 2nd one, the 3rd one and the last one.

the only thing that bothered me here was - no use of punctuation. i mean, haiku is supposed to have juxtaposition and to separate two ideas, you should use punctuation. also, you could try a bit harder and make the lines better.

Spoiler! :
the carriage- is it Marie Curie and her husband?


also - How to (not) write a haiku , it's something that niteowl gave me on the review of a haiku of mine. it helped me a lot. i hope it helps you too.

that will be all, my dear ^-^




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91 Reviews

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Sat Jun 04, 2016 12:50 pm
Kazumi wrote a review...



The plural form of haiku is simply its base form: haiku. The Japanese language doesn't have different singular and plural forms for the nouns, and the English language abides by that.


ey b0ssi, it's awtbeyders

I'm just gonna start by saying that I don't like these haiku.

It feels like the historical themes and names are forcibly squeezed into these really tight syllable constraints, thus leaving no space for the metaphorical beauty that the haiku is known for. Like, really. There isn't much depth to your haiku at all.

But I guess this is the more casual haiku, the ones that aren't the most serious.

The third issue is that you just use generic situations or events for them haiku. Hell naw, it doesn't work like that. You don't just slap a famous name on a common situation or event that a huge majority of the Earth's population has experienced and call it a historical poem. You know who else made life easier with their works? Oh, I could go on about it for days and days.

You need to use a situation or event that is specific to these people you mention. For Cleopatra, maybe that time when she was bitten by an asp. For Presley, you could include that time when he OD'd after a drinking game with prescription drugs. And so on.

There's more to say, but I'll just leave it with these three points. Anyways, keep on writing, and I'll see you again in the future.




Desdemona says...


Thank you very much for your review. Like I said, I'm not too familiar with poetry, or haiku much. I'll be sure to implement your suggestions in my next Historical Haiku series :)
However I never intended for this to have depth, and kinda thought Cleopatra's marriage to his brother, Napoleon's failure in Waterloo and his shortness, and Ghandi's 21 day fast and his achievements were quite specific to their respectful doers than the bite of an asp, but what do I know lmao.

In any case, thank you for dropping a review :) Hope to see you again soon.

Love,
Des.



Kazumi says...


Also, it should be "Cleopatra sucked."

For very good reasons, hue.



Desdemona says...


... Ha



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110 Reviews

Points: 3092
Reviews: 110

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Sat Jun 04, 2016 9:39 am
TahaT11n wrote a review...



*cries* i like haiku too. and i try writing them, too.. but they are never good. *cries*

it's a good thing to find someone who has the same taste. I hope we will be able to help each other with haiku.. well, most of it will be you helping me.

sorry, can't leave a review right now. when i have enough experience with haiku, i will leave one.

till then, best of luck!




Desdemona says...


Thanks a lot, Taha :)



TahaT11n says...


I'm sorry ,I mistakenly made it a review but it's actually a comment. I have asked a mod to change it to comment.

and you are welcome, love.



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Fri Jun 03, 2016 5:25 pm
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RadiantShadow wrote a review...



Hi there :) I am here to leave you a review.

I want to start off by saying that I did like the concept of this and I liked how in every stanza you focused on some particular famous person; it was fun to read. I loved the napoleon part!

However, I do have some suggestions:

1) I think that if you wrote things in the present tense it would make it easier to follow and understand.

2) In the first stanza I would put a full stop in the second line ( it is called end-stopped line due to the fact that the idea has finished and didn't really continue onto the second) as it would make more of an effect.

3)In the 6th stanza, should was be were since they are 2 scientists or was this intentional?

Other then this I think its good and funny :)

Continue writing!
~RS




Desdemona says...


Hello, Radiant :)
Thanks for dropping a review! I'm extremely glad you liked my idea. I'm considering making these into a series. Would you read them?

Anyways, thank you so, so much for your feedback. I'm still not very familiar with poetry and prone to making mistakes. You've helped me lots ^^, though the 6th stanza was intentional. OTP, or one true pairing is singular.

In any case, thanks a million ^~^
Love,
Des.



RadiantShadow says...


Im glad i helped and oooh ok now i get the part of OTP! haha and yes I would definitely read them! pls tell me when you do!




Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare