Prophecy of Elwen
Prologue
In the year of 2007 a young boy by the name of Jack Everest came upon an amazing discovery that changed his life forever. I’m here to tell you his amazing story. Who am I? Well you’ll find out soon enough. In Gray a small town in Tennessee Jack was in his 6th Period Math class……….
Chapter 1
The Power Within
“Hey Jack,” The kids voice was deep and sounded as if he was happy. “I was just wondering if you’re done with my homework.” Jack paused, his eyes sharpened. “Hey I asked you a question,” the large boy said. He grabbed him and turned him around by force. Just then the large boy punched Jack in the face sending him to the ground. The bully reached into Jack’s backpack and took out his homework. “Thanks nerd.” The bully sat down in his seat. Jack stood up and brushed himself off. He sat down in his seat and waited for class to end. Jack had no problems on his way home. The bus driver always made sure of that. At home Jack didn’t have any better a time than at school. His dad was drunk all the time so they never spoke. It’s was a rare occasion like that day after school when they spoke. Jack opened the front door and proceeded to the stairs but was stopped. A large hand wrapped around his arm and pulled him down to the end of the stairs.
His dad stood there with an angry look on his face. He just stood there staring at Jack’s bruised cheek. “You let him beat you up again!” “You’re worthless you can’t even defend yourself!” “Pathetic go to your room and no dinner for you!” Jack’s face turned red in rage and he furiously climbed the stairs. He got to his bedroom door opened it and slammed it shut. He threw his stuff down and sat on his bed. He thought of the times when he used to be happy. His mom, dad,
And him going on picnic’s in the park. They just sat there laughing at dad’s jokes. These memories built up in him along with his now damned life. He just wished things could go back to normal. He looked at the picture of his family at the vacation to the Bahamas. His dad was smiling and so was he. Jack used to be so full of life and smiled every day. He enjoyed life and loved everything around him. He used to be a normal kid whose life abruptly ended when his tragic accident took his mother’s life. His dad started to drink and made Jack’s life a living hell. Jack has barley spoken a word since then. He only talks when he must otherwise he’s quiet. His dissentience himself from people like his old friends and new people he’s yet to meet. He completely changed and so did his life.
The thought of his mother cause his to become angry at the world. His mind raced and he was just about ready to burst. Suddenly the picture of his family lifted from the table and slammed up against the wall of his room. His eye’s shot open and he froze. Had that really just happened? It lifted on its own. Did he do that? What was going on? He walked over to the picture and looked at it. The glass was broken and the frame was broken but the picture was fine. His emotions got him again and he started to cry. Then the frame and glass started to rebuild itself. He looked up at the picture which was good as new. He put the picture down instantly and got on his bed. Again he had done it. Were his emotions controlling this strange ability? Why could he do this? He was smart but not smart enough for Telekinesis. It was more than that he had rebuilt the picture frame. He had been given an ability that no one else had. It was hard to believe but he had seen it with his own eyes.
He sat up a stool in front of his door and put a soda can on top. He stood at the end of his bed and stared at the can. There was nothing. When he first had done it he was angry then sad. Did his emotions control his power? He thought of his mother and when he used to be happy. The can started to shake a little. He imagined the can floating to the trashcan. As he did the can slowly made its way to the trashcan. Once over it the can dropped into the trash. Jack smiled has he had learned to use his power for the most part anyway. The next day when Jack went to school the bully tried to get his homework again……..
…….Jack was ready this time. “So did you learn your lesson last time kid?” “I want the homework.” Jack said nothing staring at the bully. “Kid where is it.” The bully was getting even more mad. “FINE if that’s the way you want it.” The bully grabbed Jack’s neck and slammed him against the wall. Now Jack wasn’t a big kid. He was real small not short but really skinny so physically he couldn’t defend himself. The bully put his hand on Jack’s head. He grabbed his hair and pulled it as hard as he could. 100’s of Jack’s golden blonde hair fell to the ground. “Don’t ever forget my homework again kid or I’ll ripe it all out.” He let go and Jack fell on the floor. He picked himself up and decided not to fight him now. It was apparent though all he needed in his life was this power. Now he had it and he intended to learn how to use it.
I got 2 and 3 started just not done
so i'll post them whenever
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Derek!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
So I like where this is going. A young boy discovering his telekenisis power and using it as a coping mechanism to move on from the death of his mother. You have painted a very clear picture in the very first chapter, so much so, that we can see through it and almost take a peak at the ending. This is mostly because of the way you have written this chapter. I am sure you have heard the phrase, "show, not tell". Well, that is what you need to do here. You are narrating the story here in a monotonous voice, telling us basically everything we need to know about what is going on. You should leave it to the readers to di their own exploribg, discovering and come up with their own interpretations. Otherwise, the entire experience of reading is tainted because we cannot imagine anything.
The next is formatting. You need to break the story up into appropriate paragraphs and separate the dialogues from the mainstream text. Otherwise, it gets a little difficult for the readers to follow. There were some problems in punctuation as well, but they don't stand out as much as the formatting problems. I will give you an example.
See, you have broken a sentence here into a paragraph and it does not make sense at all. You have to be a little careful about these things.
The other suggestion I have is to make it a little more believable. Because you telling us the story instead of telling, the parts seem a little inconsistent. The boy finds out he has telekenisis powers and he accepts them in a span of a secon. Where is the disbelief? The denial? These things add more life to the characters and extend their arcs so that we continue growing and learning with them.
There were a few other grammatical mistakes, but they can be considered harmless.
Overall, this was a nice first chapter. It has much more potential and I hope you take it there someday.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Derek, there is too much telling in this piece. The plot is basically slammed into our faces. Treat the reader with some respect. Allow them to discover for themselves as to what is happening. Use the 5 senses to show us what is happening. Showing also makes the piece more interesting to read. By telling, not only is it boring, but we as the reader don't really care.
Now you use a question technique quite often to relate to the reader. Personally, I don't think it works that well. Questions should be asked when the plot and characters have a stong base. If it is used often, then not only does it affect the flow of the story, but it is also random and awkward, thus putting the reader off.
Characters were flat as. There is no substance to them. There is little for the reader to be able to relate to them and actually care about them. I mean why the hell should I care for some school boys? Why should I? Ask yourself that.
And lastly, the ideas in this fantasy are uninspired and not creative. A school boy that discovers he has hidden powers? That has been done to death throughout literature. What are you doing that will help move literature forwards?
Chapter 2
Two months Later……
A New Friend A New Enemy
After months of training his new powers in the privacy of his own room Jack had almost reach his powers peak……well at least that’s what he thought. Jack was in his room studying for a math test. He picked the soda up from the bedside table and took a drink. Seeing it was empty he levitated the can above the trash can and dropped it. He smiled at the thought of him being able to use his powers so well. Latley he had began to smile more often. His life was very different with his new powers……..Last month at school after Fall Break the bully came back to see Jack. “Hey kid, you better have my homework,” He said as he stormed into the classroom. Jack once again said nothing. The bully came at Jack his fist clinched. Suddenly the bookshelf next to the bully tumbled sideways smashing the bully into the ground. The bully’s friends tried to pick it up but had no luck. Jack smiled and turned around. The bookcase lifted from the ground. The bully got up and ran out of the classroom. His friends weren’t too far behind……..Jack had gotten rid of the bully but his dad still caused his life to feel meaningless. Now two months later he still had not found the meaning of his powers. He didn’t know what to do with them. He somehow knew he’d find out soon enough.
The next day at school on September 5 2007 was the New Year field trip. “Hello everyone I suppose you know of this year’s field trip.” “We will go camping in the Appalachian Mountains.” “I’ll need your parents to sign this permission form.” Mr. Wats began to hand us the forms. “Be sure to find a partner,” Just then a knock came on the door. While everyone was discussing who they would partner with Jack stared at the door. The teacher stepped in the hall for a few minutes and then came back in a boy following him. “Quiet down everyone I’d like to introduce a new student joining us.” Everyone fell quiet. “This is Zach Tezichi,” Mr. Wats said confused. “Are you Japanese Zach you don’t look it.” The boy stood there his black hair swaying in his face. His hands were in his pockets and he was hunched over. He wore a black jacket and torn blue jeans. Everyone waited for an answer. “No I was born in America.” The room was as silent as before. The boy’s voice was very meaningless like he didn’t care. “Ok sit down Zach right in the front.” Quietly Zach made his way to the front and plopped down. “Um Jack I wanted to ask if you’d be Zach’s partner for the camping trip.” “Um...Yes Sir,” I nodded and sat forward in my chair.
After class Jack went straight to his locker. Mr. Wats led Zach to his locked. “Here it is 100.” Zach said nothing and Mr. Wats walked away disappointed by the lack of respect. “Hey Zach are you going to get that permission slip signed.” Zach gave him an emotionless look. “I’m not going on some stupid camping trip,” His voice was less mature than before. “It is mandatory credit you know that right.”“Are you serious!?” “Yes I am” The more I talked to Zach the less he hide his face and he began to lose his tough guy image. Don’t get me wrong the kid was tough but he was beginning to break out of his shell. “Well guess I’m stuck with you then.” Hey I didn’t say he was nice. The next day was the camping trip and everyone was waiting out front of the school for the bus. Jack had his stuff packed in one dark blue backpack in his hand. Zach stood beside him with nothing but a backpack on his shoulder. The bus arrived and they piled on. Jack and Zach didn’t talk at all on the way up there. Jack just spent his time messing with people in their cars, and trees on the side of the road. Zach was sleep most of the time except for once when he started sleep talking. Once they got to the campsite they got off the bus and started on the trail. Jack stood at the trail entrance. He gazed at the beautiful woods. He first saw a little red bird on a tree. It flew across the path onto an adjacent tree. Suddenly the bird stood stiff. A small pause took place and the bird fell dead on the ground. Jack‘s eyebrows curled down. A mysterious look on his face he continued down the path after Zach.
They arrived at the campsite. There was nothing but an open area for them to set up camp. They started to unpack there things and set up tents. Zach made the fire while Jack set up their tent. “Alright everyone now that we're all set up we can get ready for bed.” Jack looked at his watch 10:06. He hadn’t noticed how late it was till now. They all paired up in their tents and got in there sleeping bags. Jack stayed up for quite a long time that night. He kept seeing the image of the bird dying. There was something strange about how it died. It was sudden but the look on the birds face suggested it foresaw its death. Suddenly the sound of footsteps moving away from the campsite caught Jack’s attention. “Zach wake up,” Jack shuck him but nothing. “ZACH, WAKE UP!” “What mommy,” Zach mumbled. One of Jack’s eyebrows rose
“What did you just say?” “WHAT!” Zach rose jumping out of his sleeping bag.
Jack sat there looking oddly at Zach. “Can you pretend like you didn’t hear that?” “Hear what,” Jack said quickly. “Right so what do you want.” “I heard someone running away from the campsite.” “What you want to go follow then.” Jack nodded. “Fine, let’s go.” They both got up being cautious as they creep out of the tent. Jack didn’t say a word pointing in the direction of the footsteps. They walked about a mile into the woods. “No one is out here let’s go back.” “No someone is out here.” A sound came from behind them. “Over here Zach.” They walked into an open area and behind a bush. They hide as a tall bald man stepped out into the area. A woman turned visible and walked in front of the man. Both Jack and Zach were surprised by this. Jack though about his powers. Were there others like him?
The man was quiet old and a scar was on left check. The women was beautiful and graceful as she walked toward to the man. “Jack Everest doesn’t seem to know about his power yet,” Said the old man, his voice was breathless. “Are you sure, give me some proof,” as expected her voice was beautiful and soft. “I’ve been watching him for days and nothing.” “That’s it I need some solid evidence.” “The bird test, see.” The dead bird from before was in his hand. “Oh I see well thank you know bring him here.” “Why would they want me?!”
Zach put his hand on Jack mouth. “Shut up you idiot.” “Well it seems we have a guest.” The Lady said. The bush blew away with the wind. They all four stood there in silence. “Who are you,” Said the old man. “You first Blondie.” Jack stepped forward with his head down. “My name is Jack Everest.” “DIE YOU LITTLE BRAT,” The old man said throwing a fireball at Jack’s head. Zach stepped in front of Jack and put out his palm. The fireball smashed into his hand and yet it didn’t blow up or burn him.
Everyone gasped except for Zach who had a stern look on his face. “Zach you can….!” “Yes sorry I didn’t tell you,” “Well sorry I didn’t tell you,” Jack said back. “Huh,” Zach said. Jack closed his eyes and the fireball lifted from Zach’s hand and into the air. Zach looked surprised and so did everyone else. Jack threw the fireball right at the old man’s head. It came within inches and stopped. “Ok enough games,” The lady had her hand held out. She turned her hand into a fist and the fire went away. “JACK EVEREST come with me.” The lady put her hand out as if to greet Jack. Jack walked back as to decline the request. “Fine then I’ll have to do it by force and I’ll take this other interesting young boy too.” Zach created a fireball in his hand but it disappeared. The women stared at Jack strongly. Jack’s heart began to pound. A sharp pain stabbed his heart. He grabbed his heart as if to help protect it. Jack fell to his knees. Zach was calling his name but Jack could no longer hear it. He fell to the ground sideways. The last thing he saw before his eyes shut was the women walking toward him.