When Sleep is Trickling

Hello there Demtry! Dogs here with your review today! Ok, to start things off WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here. I'm Tucker, and if you need anything, a review, some help, advice ANYTHING! Let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you out. Anywho, on to ze review! I thought this piece had some excellent imagery in it, great writing in that regard. Although, I'd say the biggest issue I had with this poem is the fact that there was no grammar in this piece. Lack of grammar can be progressive if used effectively, but it only works if where your periods should be placed and clear. Alas, in this piece it is not, so I think the biggest thing I'm going to be pointing out is where periods/commas should be going, because content wise this piece is pretty darn good. Let's dive in now shall we?

"But has not yet flooded your soul"

Here try saying: "But hasn't flooded your soul" and than put a period after "soul." If you want, you can put the "yet" at the end of the line after "soul." Whatever works.

"Has encircled your neck"

Comma after neck here, I simply adore the excellent imagery that you're using in this line. Great job of relating this all back to a noose. Well done.

"not yet tightened"

I think you could use a stronger descriptor word instead of "tightened" here. Perhaps try saying: "taut" or something else along those lines. Whatever works. Also, put a period at the end of this line.

Put a comma on the second to last and third to last lines and a period on the last line. Again, excellent imagery from your writing here to describe a seemingly simple thing. Well done in that regard.

I really don't have much else to say except for grammar notes on the rest of the poem. Go back through your writing and add in commas/periods accordingly wherever you see fit. Other than that, excellent writing here. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

heya
I simply LOVE this poem
But speaking about the mood and feeling ( since I'm no master at grammar, punctuation etc..), there is a clash. At the beginning you describe the moments before falling asleep using negative phrases :

When the noose of sleep
Has encircled your neck
But has not yet tightened its hold

( giving the idea that falling asleep is misery, and when we do we are all doomed)

but then, in the last stanza you describe it positively:

And there - there’s no preacher
And there - we can be free
And I offer my hand
In sunset’s dance.

Tell me if I'm making sense or not.

Hello, Kyla here to review you. I really like this poem! It's really strong, a subtle topic, and it flows nicely. I would like to break it down into pieces and tell you everything about it I think, as I do with everyone. If I say something misleading, incorrect, or you simply disagree, then don't hesitate to tell me. Now, with that being said, lets dig in shall we?

This first part, I really like; very good introduction, it starts off slow and opens up. The only thing that I would do, is a little punctuation. Like I have reminded people lately, tone means a lot when you are expressing a piece of art. (Yes, a piece of art.) The reader needs to read it as if someone is reading it to them in their head. Here is how I see it:

When sleep is trickling
Into your eyelids,
But has not yet flooded your soul.
When the noose of sleep
Has encircled your neck,
But has not yet tightened its hold.
When you have lost your grasp on reality,
But are not yet lost in rest.
That is when we'll meet again,
Under sleep's duress.

The wisps of dream within your hair,
When we are in the here-and-there.
My nostalgic ghost along your skin
And the bruising pains of sin.
Your longing tangible in the mist,
And the tightening of your fist.
The submission of your will,
When all is quiet and all is still.

And there; there's no preacher.
And there; we can be free.
As I offer my hand in sunset's dance;
As you let your guard down,
For one last touch.
That shudders through your bones,
And you let our spirits embrace;
Before sleep, makes you its own.