Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
hey,
And good luck for your next submission.
Umaima here to review your submission today.
I loved your poem. It had a meaning and I could clearly make out everything you wanted to say from it. It didn't really have rhythm but without it the poem rocked and that's the specialty I see here. The way you described and put it into sentences was amazing. Keep it up!
It lacked punctuation though, I would say. I have made the edition below:
"Don’t worry – I’ll pull myself together,
I’ll make a mosaic of this shattered mind.
I will press the baroque pearls,
Until my scattered stars align.
Don’t worry about my starving heart,
I take pills for that now.
Capsules that wrench on the vise on my chest.
Until entrance is allowed.
Don’t worry about my shaking bones,
I will warm in time,
Don’t worry about my silent screams –
The voices in my head are mine."
But this is just a suggestion and it's up to you whether you take it or not. At last I would just say that it was just superb. Keep writing you have the talent.
Hope this helped.
Thank you for reviewing! I'm always hesitant to put punctuation because I like the words to be as bare/raw as possible, but it definitely gives it a different flavor. I'm nervous to put this piece into stanzas because it's almost too organized and I wanted a kind of rushed, almost disjointed feel to the poem. But thank you so much for your time; I really appreciated your review
.x
You're welcome and I so know what you mean because I had the same feeling in my first poem...*My excuse for being horrible at punctuation back then* XD
Keep writing, your works are great!
I absolutely loved this. Yes, it was a little dark, but it was straight from the heart. I love everything about it. My favorite line would have to be between
"I'll make a mosaic of this shattered mind"
or
"Don't worry about my starving heart
I take pills for that now"
I found this short poem to be a complete success! But I do agree with Alfred on this one, the word "entrance" should be "entry". That isn't that bad of a mistake though considering reading it, it sounds right, but reading it slowly, you see the error. I hope to see more of your work soon!
Ah thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it
I'll definitely be changing entrance to entry promptly, thanks for helping me with that 
.x
Hello! I would like to say that this here is a work of art. I love it. As I was reading it, the voice in my head sounded fragile and very breakable. But I don't quite get the whole concept. To me, the last part seemed like it needed a bit more, "oomf." It was very nice and poetic mind you, but it just felt like it was missing something. But I like it, it seemed so tragic and fragile. I hope you won't get offended with me, seeing as I am still a "newbie." Please make more poetry like this! I enjoyed it very much. Well, that's all for now.
Yours,
GrapeNerd
Thank you for reviewing! I'm not at all offended - I appreciate you taking the time to read my work
I'll read it over a few times and see what I can do with the end, thanks again .x
Hey Demtry! Here am I for a short review on this lovely piece of yars! Hooray for today!
First, I would like to commend on the fascinating element of mystery in the piece. The use of 'don't worry' seems to put up this sign: 'You don't know me'. This brings in the sense of curiosity. It seems that I'd like to learn more; why is it that you are shattered, why are you shaking. However, the piece seems to turn me down. This voice is another plus point on the piece.
I really like the first part of the poem, too.
I think the use of these metaphors are really charming. The use of mosaic to replace the term of a proper mind works nicely with 'pearls' and 'stars' as the two seem to be pieces which can be made into one. With this, I really believe that the first part of the piece is quite versatile and varying in terms of visual treatment.
Try using the participle 'entry' and not entrance
The last part, though, is a bit weak. The bones are not clearly implied to be cold, so the imagery it forms is a bit misleading. The 'scream' is nicely executed, but the last line didn't attack. Okay, so they're yours, but what does the whole poem end up to? The piece hung me without a question, rather, it hung me with a lot of confusion whether where actually the turning down of the piece goes to. Believe me, almost the whole piece is wonderfully executed, it's the coherence and result which re my concern. I hope you check upon it.
That's it for today! I hope I helped!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
Thank you so much for taking the time to review
I think I will change entrance to entry, so thank you for that and maybe I'll substitute shivering with shaking to show coldness? Thanks again, you've really helped! .x