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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I find your poem totally amazing and meaningful , the words are really well chosen , and the theme even if usual in poetry is here used with originality.
The only thing which could even be better , and that is only my opinion, is the following line:
"And none really know"
I find the abscence of rhyme here cuts the musicality of the poem in half , maybe instead you could remind the reader of your precedent and following rhymes which appear often
"rises"
"haze"
"blaze"
"stars"
"shadows"
So what you could do is just change your sentence a little so it would rhyme perfectly with "shadows" and remind the other rhymes of the text it would go as :
"And no one really knows
How she got there
Suspended among her stars
And love also hides in the shadows"
But then again , this is almost nothing and your poem is really amazing .
Keep Writing
I loved this poem however there are some things i noticed
The word choice is very good the words chosen work very well with this poem
I think you stopped the poem too many times it should flow easier if you put the phrases together instead of dividing them with a space.
for example:
"The moon rises, in a nonchalant haze
In the ambiguity, of the chariot's blaze"
Other than that a very good poem
Loved it XD
Hey there!
It's musicgirl here giving you a review obviously. Alright I have a question. What type of poem is this? I'm just curious because I am learning poetry in English class and I am trying to review some of the different types of poems. Another question is What's the message of this poem? Are you trying to express your feelings or setting a scene?
The words that you use in this poem are very elegant and graceful. I don't really get why you used ambiguity in that third line though. Then a chariot's blaze comes up after that which is kind of confusing, but that's poetry.
I just realized something. Is this poem about someone entering another world? I just think that because it kind of has that vibe there.
I really like your lines about love though. That is totally true. I don't really get the last line "And none shall take your place"
That's pretty much it. Btw don't take all of this advice personally. You don't have to take my advice if you don't like it. It is fine really. Alright so yeah that's it really.
Peace out,
Musicgirl5001
Thank you for taking the time to review my piece
I don't really know what type of poem this would be considered, I usually just write free verse and go with it ^_^ 
As for 3 and 4, "chariot's blaze" is referring to the the Greek myth that the sun was pulled by the god Apollo's chariot; the blaze is the sunset that preludes the night/moon. I used the word ambiguity because I always feels like, in a poetic sense, that sunsets are kind of mysterious and ambiguous.
I didn't intend this poem to be about entering another world, but comparing the moon to human love. But that's the great thing about poetry, it could have tons of different meanings!
The last line is a direct line from the narrator, talking to someone he/she loves.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my poem
Hey, IceB!:) Here to review your lovely piece as promised. Since Kyla tackled the punctuation aspect of this poem, I’m just going to ignore that and work with you on the word choice
Let's begin!
First of all, “nonchalant” is one of my favorite words, and it works very nicely in this.
Love. This. Gosh, so beautiful. If I were you, I would replace “her” with “the,” just for a more centralized detached idea because the stars aren’t really part of/attached to the moon, and it reads easier. But that’s just me!
I think you could use a better word than “hides” for this first part - the phrased is pretty overused already. I would suggest “hangs” instead, to match your “suspended” idea from the previous line. I understand the concept you have here, and I really, really like it, but I think you could highlight it with a better phrase/word than “set apart.”
Oh come on. You were doing so well with imagery up until now! I know you can find something more metaphorical than bland words like “fall” and “stays.”
Mmm. Good stuff.
~
One question that I have about this - what does love have anything to do with celestial objects? I’m sure it isn’t too hard to find a lovely connecting piece to fit in there, but the readers perceive it as “something missing.”
I think this poem could be improved greatly if you play around with the lines, rhyme, and rhythm. Maybe if you didn’t place the rhyming words in such obvious places, you could really characterize this nonchalant and ambiguous theme you have going. Also, I notice that you capitalize the first letter of every line. It’s not really necessary, and I know that some poets write that way intentionally, but I think this would fare nicely if no capitals were in the poem at all. My example revision, for these two reasons as well as flow:
“the moon rises in a
nonchalant haze, the
ambiguity like a chariot’s
blaze.
none really know
how she got there,
suspended among
the stars.
love also hides
in the shadows until it’s
set apart. it doesn’t
fall, but stays, doesn’t
vanish but fades
and can never
truly disperse. none
shall take your place.”
In my example, I took out a lot of the “ands,” played with enjambment and capitalization, and divided it into three stanzas.
All in all, I loved loved it!! Really made me think, thanks so much for a wonderful read.
Until next time,
Indie.
You made me think about a lot of stuff! Definitely revising this poem ^_^ I especially appreciated your criticism of the second half because I was having a hard time wording it. I was thinking of maybe exchanging line 8 to "love also cowers in shadows"? I also like your idea of hangs
And I really like your example revision, thank you, I'll get revising 
Hello, Kyla here to review you. I like this poem, it's very lovely! I want to break it down and tell you how I see it. I do this to everyone, just so they know how I feel when I am reviewing them. Now, if I say something misleading or you disagree, please don't hesitate to correct my words. I am here to help, so if it doesn't help my apologies.
First off I would like to talk about the punctuation. I think that when someone writes, they need to express it as if the reader is being read to. You need tone; you need to let people have a second to think about what they just read, and then go to the next part. When everyone reads, they read as if they hear a voice in their head reading to them. So with that, my point is, is that you need periods, commas, etc. I would do something like this:
The moon rises in a nonchalant haze;
In the ambiguity of the chariot's blaze.
None really knows how she got there;
Suspended among her stars.
Love also hides in the shadows,
Until it's set apart.
It doesn't fall, but stays.
It doesn't vanish, but fades.
Love can never truly disperse.
None shall take your place.
I really like the way you did it, but I think this type of punctuation helps people understand it more. I really hope this helped, you did very well. It is a very nice poem, keep writing!
Thank you for pointing that out! Your version definitely reads differently, I guess I kind of substituted line breaks for punctuation? I'll try to proofread my poems as an outside reader like you said and experiment! Thanks again
You are very welcome! I just hope it helped and not step on any toes or anything
Hi there, IceBerry! First of all, a huge welcome to YWS! Hope you're enjoying it so far.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me.
You have a nice start here. I think all of your ideas are there, and you have a good grasp of what you want to say.
I have a couple of nitpicks:
The rhyme scheme is a little awkward. There's no set pattern. Sometimes, that's okay. But I couldn't find a connection between a disorganized rhyme scheme and your content. You might consider taking out the rhymes all together instead of trying to fit your poem into a rhyme scheme.
Also, you're missing a transition between lines 7 and 8. You go from talking about the moon to talking about love with no connection. I got the implied comparison between the two, but it was just a little jolting.
Overall, I enjoyed the piece, and I do hope you play around with it some more.
Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-
Thank you so much for your time! I actually tend to lean towards a little off-sync rhyme schemes, but I don't want it to lead to a disorganized piece. I'll definitely pay more attention to it in future pieces and I'll try and work this one out
I agree with LadyPurple, it flows so easily. But it is a bit confusing, to me. I don't understand if you're talking about the chariot or not when you refer to 'her'. I don't see a real meaning to this poem, either. It does sound nice, however. I personally prefer poems with in depth meanings, but yours is beautiful as well.
Thank you for commenting!
Chariot actually refers to the sun, like in Greek myth, the sun was pulled by Apollo and "her" refers back to the moon.
It's not really meant to be a deep piece, just something light because I'd been writing way to much morbid poetry ^_^ Thank you again, I really appreciate your comments!
Wow...I love this! It's so nice and it flowed amazingly. Keep up the awesome-ness!
Thank you so much