Chapter 1
The Vision
A loud ringing sound woke Vincent up from a deep sleep. He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. The phone rung again and echoed throughout the room. Vincent sat up in bed and yawned. He slowly stood up and glanced over at his phone ringing. He walked past it and went over to the open window next to his king size bed.
Vincent stared out of the window mesmerized by the beauty of the night. He glanced over at himself in the mirror on the far side of the room and slowly made his way towards it. His long jet black hair lay gently behind him as he approached the mirror. He stopped a few inches away from it and stared at himself for a second. The emotional scars that plagued him has really taken a toll on his appearance. The renowned billionaire is now a shadow of his former self.
A beaten down castaway trying to live with the mistakes that he has recently made. He stared at himself in disappointment and forced himself to look away from the mirror ashamed of what's staring back at him. Vincent slowly walked towards the phone. He reached for the phone but stopped. A blinding flash of light filled the room and temporarily blinded Vincent. He fell down on his knees and screamed out in pain as the light devoured the room. Vincent tried his best to fight the pain in his head but it was stronger than anything he's ever felt.
The light around him disappeared and the pain in his head vanished. Vincent slowly stood up and glanced around the room. He saw two men standing over a dead body. He couldn't tell if the body was a boy or a girl but judging by the size of the body he knew that it was a child. He also knew the two men standing over the body.
Detectives Turner, and Keller. Two of the best cops he's ever worked with. The short handsome man on the left is Detective Charles Turner. He's no older than thirty and he's already being considered for promotion. The tall muscular much older man on the right is Detective James Keller. He's your everyday jackass that you'll meet on the street.
He's a good cop and a family man but he hates Vincent and everything he stands for. Vincent walked over to the two detectives and glanced down at the dead body on the cold marble floor. He knelt down and touched the little girls head. " What happened to you?" Vincent said to himself. He glanced around the large room and saw Detective Keller walking upstairs.
Vincent kissed the little girl on the head and slowly stood up. He walked towards the stairs but stopped. He turned around and saw some sort of creature staring at him. Vincent glared up at the thing and said," did you do this?" The creature hissed at him and jumped towards him. It knocked Vincent down and vanished. Vincent glanced around the room and didn't see anything. The scaly looking creature that attacked him was gone. Vincent stood up and started to walk upstairs towards the second body.
Vincent followed Detective Keller down a dark hallway and into the master bedroom. Inside he saw a naked woman lying in a pool of her own blood. Detective Keller shook his head and said," it's a closed case boys." Vincent walked closer to the body and saw slash marks all over her. He knelt down and touched her.
He felt the long incisions on her body and found some strange fibers in her vaginal area. Vincent stood up and walked over towards the bloodstained bed. He grabbed the bloody sheet and covered the body. Vincent opened his eyes and slowly stood up. He grabbed the clothes he wore the other day and walked out of the room. The image of the two dead bodies were stuck in his head. The vision that he had was more vivid than anything he had ever experienced and he wanted to know why.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Interesting concept, reminds me to get back to my witch hunter story. As someone already said, you need to watch your grammar mistakes (especially commas and capitalization). Also, be careful with your sentences. Though the plot was very interesting, your awkward wording made it less entertaining. Continue working. It is a good first attempt. No piece of writing is ever completed. It is ever evolving, ever changing. Keep at it. I look forward to seeing more of this story unfold.
Thanks for the comments guys. I've already corrected the mistakes but I haven't posted it yet. I'm trying not to go into to much detail about Vincent becuase i'm going to reveal that in later books. I've already introduced two main characters in the story. I hope you guys like the way it is so far. The story itself isn't going to be very long. I'm trying something a bit diferent. I'm writing multiple stories in one book. All of them will have Vincent, Turner, and Keller. I'm also going to add a character named Sophie. She's a vampire. Thanks for reading guys.
Ringing phone? You should leave out the ringing.
I think you should replace the is with was
girl's
Isn't Vicent a bit amazed about the flash ect.?
But I really liked it, and agian PM me if the next is out...
Wow, I really like this.
But there are a lot of problems with it. Punctuation, tense, and sentence structure.
You are missing commas and capitalization. If you need help knowing where these should go, just PM me.
Throughout the chapter, you continually switch between past and present tenses. If you just go through and proofread, you'll spot the errors. If not, again, PM me.
Sentence structure. It's pretty bad in this. Here's a great site that will give you examples and tips on this: http://www.ttms.org/writing_quality/sen ... luency.htm
Your plot is very interesting. You've caught my ineterst, despite the many errors. Only thing I spotted that isn't all the things listed above is this:
Should be rang.
Let me know when the next chapter comes out.
KJ