Demon Hunter
The Beginning
Prologue
A young woman walked down the dark empty hallway. The wooden floor creaked under her as she took another step down. She stopped walking for a moment and stared at an old picture of hers on the wooden wall. She stared at as if she was lost in thought. " Vincent where are you" she said to herself. She touched his face on the picture and slowly backed away from it. She forced herself to turn around and saw a pair of red eyes staring at her. She squinted at first and thought that maybe she was seeing things but the eyes never faded. They only stared at her from the opposite side of the hallway. Eerie words filled the hallway as the demonic red eyes spoke. "Are you afraid of death little girl?" Laughter filled the hallway and echoed all around her.
" What do you want?" The eyes in front of the woman vanished and all was silent once again. She sighed in relief and fell down to her knees. " Why does this keep happening to me?" She put her head tried her best not to cry. Tears rolled down her soft pale cheeks as she raised her head and stared down the dark hallway. When she turned around to head back to her room she saw the dark red eyes again. Only this time they were right in front of her. She turned to run but couldn't move. She cried out but it did her no good. " Aren't you having a good time Karen?" Karen tried her best to move but was still frozen in place. " How does it feel to now you're only a few seconds away from death?" Karen screamed hysterically and tried her best to move. She could hear distant voices growing closer to her. The demon released Karen and vanished in thin air.
It was as if nothing had ever happened. Karen glanced around the hallway before she dared to move. Was it really gone this time. Straight ahead of Karen was a small mob of people running towards her. She slowly started to walk towards them. Before they could reach her she fell down and hit her head against the wooden wall. " Karen!" " Karen are you okay!" One of the older men knelt down beside Karen and gently helped her sit up. " Karen... what happened to you. Who did this!" Karen, still confused on what really happened stared blankly at the old man. " Didn't you see it Sam?" " See what Karen there's nothing here." " Why were you screaming?" " The demon... it was here. It tried to kill me again."
A few people in the crowd moaned and walked away from her. " I told you that she was crazy. That damn girl is nothing but trouble." Sam sighed in disappointment and said," I thought something actually happened to you this time Karen." Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. " Get some sleep rest. You should feel better in the morning. Same made sure Karen was in bed before he left. After she heard the door close she got back up. The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried. " Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy." Karen turned on the lamp next to the bed and sighed. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. " I know what I have to do but can I do it" she said to herself.
Karen opened the top drawer and pulled out a black notebook. She slowly opened the book and started to search for Vincent's number.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey there, DHS (can I call you that?) It's Stella here, your friendly neighbourhood... Stella. May I welcome you to YWS on my own behalf!
Honey, I'm sure you've been told by the others, but I'll just stress what they say, there is a 2:1 review:work ratio here. Your review count is currently one, so you know what you need to do.
Now, onto la critique!
I. NITPICKS
In case you didn't already know, this is YWS speak for the little details that normal people don't care about... but we're not normal here. *cackles insanely.*
The first two sentences are kind of like "Yawn." Try something that takes us immediately into the story, like "The young woman paused as she walked down the corridor, the floor creaking as she looked at an old picture hanging on the wooden wall." Only not as lame as that
"Vincent, where are you?" she said to herself. Then start a new line.
That sounds like they've been there forever. "but they didn't fade," or something might be more natural.
Questions are followed by a question mark!
"Karen!"
"Karen, are you okay?"
Then another new line.
"Karen... what happened to you. Who did this?"
Karen, still confused on what really happened stared blankly at the old man. "Didn't you see it Sam?"
"See what, Karen, there's nothing here."
"Why were you screaming?"
"The demon... it was here. It tried to kill me again."
"I told you that she was crazy. That damn girl is nothing but trouble."
Sam sighed in disappointment and said," I thought something actually happened to you this time Karen."
Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. "Get some sleep rest. sleep rest? You should feel better in the morning."
Sam made sure Karen was in bed before he left. After she heard the door close she got back up. The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried, " Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy."
Karen turned on the lamp next to the bed and sighed. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. "I know what I have to do but can I do it," she said to herself.
can't do it, maybe?
Right so...
II. PARAGRAPHS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!
They really are, and since they are, you should take them out more!
Use a new paragraph:
-whenever there's a new speaker.
-whenever a new idea or theme is introduced.
Reading a whole big block of text is difficult, especially on a screen. Which is why it's so important to get used to paragraphs. They're basic and don't take much talent to learn how to use, it's just a matter of being bothered to. Get into the habit. I've gotten so into it that my history teacher actually told me "You have to write longer paragraphs." So now I've got to work from the other direction. *rolls eyes.* But please, get used to them.
III. AND THEN, AND THEN, AND THEN...
That's the impression I got. And then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened.
You need to drag out each event, make it an event in itself. And you have to lead smoothly from one to the next. Find a good transition. And make sure that you change the atmosphere. When the crowd comes, the atmosphere is very different from that of when she's standing alone with the eyes.
IV. IF PARAGRAPHS ARE YOUR FRIENDS, THEN DESCRIPTION IS YOUR LOVER
Seriously.
Describe Victor in the photo. Describe Karen. Describe Sam. Describe how she feels. Describe the atmosphere of the corridor. Describe the corridor itself.
Description is a very important part of fiction. You may know exactly where it takes place and who your characters are, but your readers don't. You need to show it to us.
V. OVERALL
It looks like an interesting story. Just fix the technical bits and it'll be great!
Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x
Pretty good. I also think spacing the dialouge would do you good. It seemed a little theatrical, like the first five minutes of a tv pilot. Not a bad one, for sure, but definitely theatrical. I think it opened up the story's theme and plot well without extensive and boring monolouges.
I also noticed what the others noticed. So I don't have any mistakes for you to correct, besides those mentioned above. One thing I noticed is that probably by accident some of your sentences aren't complete.
I really liked the very suspiciousness of the story. The tension and questions. I am hooked.
I like how you left us hanging and in question on what is going on.
Tell me when you write more please.
Also, it would be awesome if you could read my prologue in Romantic Fiction called No Title... A work in Progress. So as you can see there is no title.
Keep writing and once again, let me know if you write more!
A fair warning to the younger readers. The rest of the book will be rated for adults. Also I haven't been posting anything on Demon Hunter because i'm working on a book called Tears From Heaven. I'm half way done with and I might post it when i'm done.
Thanks for the comments everyone. Honestly when I wrote this I was sleepy, and in a hurry to get it done but I have corrected it and started writing chapter one. Some of you might be disappointed though but i'm not going to say anything just yet.
Whenever you have two words describing the same noun, you need a comma between them. So put one between dark and empty.
Get rid of 'walking' since the word 'stopped' already implies that.
This is worded weirdly, and I'm not sure what you're saying.
Get rid of the middle 2 quotation marks.
Get rid of 'sleep'.
Like everyone else said, I loved the ending. I do have a few other problems, though.
1) There countless typos.
2) You did little to nothing to separate dialogue from description, so I'm going to give you a crash course in paragraphing. Every time you see [paragraph] that means you should start a new paragraph.
Eerie words filled the hallway as the demonic red eyes spoke.
[paragraph]
"Are you afraid of death little girl?" Laughter filled the hallway and echoed all around her.
[paragraph]
" What do you want?"
Get it? Whenever someone speaks for the first time, you usually start a new paragraph. If someone is speaking, and then someone new speaks, then a new paragraph must also be started. My description was pretty basic, so you'll have to pay attention to the stories you read more to fivure it out.
Anyway, great story otherwise. Great descriptions and it was very easy to read.
Okeedokee, you really need to shorten your paragraphs. Another thing: When a character speaks it needs to be separated from the description. I like your vocabulary, its extensive and hopefully i'll see more of it. I didn't see any spelling mistakes here, But then again that doesn't say much, I don't look for grammar mistakes that often.
Again, shorten your paragraphs. Separate the dialogue from everything else okay?
Again nice vocabulary, very nice. Very good description.
I didn't see any grammar mistakes here other than you put an extra space between the first opening quotation and your first word. You don't need those.
Ahh, same comments from before about the paragraph and dialogue.
Here you had some punctuation mistakes. I noticed that several times you had several periods in place of question marks. Its a common mistake. I love this paragraph, you write very beautifully.
The aforesaid on you paragraphs and dialogues. I didn't see any punctuation or grammar mistakes so great job there.
I can't wait to see who this Vincent is and why it anything to do with Karen. I'll keep reading to find out. You write beautifully and this could be a great piece of work of you polished it up. It can be fixed. Your descriptions are okay and you just need to work on those paragraphs. Please PM me with any questions you may have or if you post a second part to this I would love to read it and review it for you. You did a great job. Keep writing and good luck!
She stared at as if she was lost in thought
I think you forgot the 'it', lol. Otherwise, it looks really good. The ending was kinda............idk, but it wasn't the best.........I just didn't like it. Not to sound harsh or anything though! I like the thrill in it!
Shouldn't it be Sam? Other than I could find nothing wrong with it. And you've got an interesting cliffhanger that left everyone, including me, hanging. Nice.
I liked the cliffhanger at the end. I agree that you should have spaced out the dialouge more. Other than that I didn't see anything wrong with it. I can't wait for the rest.
uhhm this is really werid but i have a quick question i'm stuck on a story and have no idea what hair color to use it sounds like a simply pick but i'm writing about a girl from japan, and most japense when you watch the manga or anything has things like purple hair i want to do that but i want to make it sound natural. not like she died it what do i do
Thanks. By the way I really enjoyed your story.
No need to apologize; we all make mistakes. It is very good.
hey I'm really sorry about some of the misspelled words. I just woke up but that's no excuse for not paying attention to my work. There will be a better copy coming out. Sorry again.
Hey, I just reviewed something of yours! Ha ha. Anyways, I hate to repeat myself, but again, you have to have 2 reviews before you post something.
This piece was visibly better than the one I just read. It's got drama and good characters so far. The only thing that bugged me was the whole "are you afraid of death?" thing, it just reminded me to much of Pirates of the Caribbean (spelling?). Anyways, I really liked the ending sentence:
It left me hanging.
Another suggestion would be to space out your dialogue. Example:
The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried.
" Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy."
It's a lot easier to read that way.
Good luck! Tell me when you post more.
~N~