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Demon Hunter- The Beginning

by DemonHunterSociety


Demon Hunter

The Beginning

Prologue

A young woman walked down the long, dark, and empty hallway. The wooden floor creaked under her as she took another step down. She stopped walking for a moment and stared at an old picture hanging on the wall. She stared at it as if she was lost in thought. “Vincent… where are you?” She said to herself.

She placed her hand on his face and put her head down. She could feel the tears building up, trying to break down the wall that took her so long to build. She slowly backed away from his picture and sighed. She forced herself to turn around and slowly walked away. She didn’t get far when she heard whispers coming from the opposite end of the hall.

She stopped and slowly turned around but didn’t see anything. She heard the voice again but this time it was closer to her than it was before. “Is someone there?” She called out. There was no answer. Feeling uneasy, she turned around and started walking again. This time she heard her name being called from the darkness that surrounded her.

“Karen… Karen… Where are you going Karen?”

Karen turned around once again and saw a pair of dark red eyes staring at her from the end of hall. Karen stood there staring at the eyes. The eyes that have been tormenting her every night. She knew running would seal her fate, so she waited. She waited for what seemed like an eternity for the eyes to vanish. She sighed in relief as headed back towards her room. Hoping that this was the last time that she would ever see those god forsaken eyes again. But she knew that wasn’t true. She knew that they would keep coming back to haunt her, to torment her, and eventually… kill her. Karen turned a corner in the hall and was confronted with the red eyes once again.

She screamed as and tried to run but was frozen in place. She tried her best to break the hold the demon had on her but it was no use. The demon laughed loudly. His deep eerie voice sent a sense of dread in Karen’s soul. She knew all hope was lost… “It’s time Karen.” The demon hissed.

Karen could hear distant voices coming down the hall. The demon released his hold on Karen and vanished. Karen fell down to her knees, buried her head in her hands, and cried. “Karen! Karen are you alright!” A group of people let by an old man rushed to Karen’s aid and surrounded her.

Karen glanced around all the townsfolk around her and then at Sam. Samuel knelt down beside Karen and said, “Are you okay?”

“Didn’t you see it Sam?” Karen whispered.

“See what Karen there’s nothing here.”

“The demon…Karen paused for a moment then continued. The demon… it was here. It tried to kill me again.”

A few of the townspeople moaned. One of them said, “I told you this would be a waste of our time.”

“That girl is nothing but trouble.” Another one added.

Sam sighed in disappointment and said, “I thought something had actually happened to you this time Karen.” Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. “Get some rest. Sam made sure Karen was in bed before he left the room. When he closed the door Karen sat up on the edge of her bed and cried. The demonic filled her room with laughter and said, “Did you honestly think they would believe you? Even I thought you were crazy.”

Karen stood up and walked to her ornate nightstand next to her bed. “I know what I have to do but can I do it?” She said to herself. Karen opened the top drawer and pulled out a black notebook. She slowly opened the book and started to search for Vincent’s number.


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317 Reviews

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Wed Feb 26, 2014 3:46 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Ok, here to review!

I don't really have any nitpicks. Stella already took most of what I was going to use. The fewer the nitpicks, the better the writer. All I saw was the punctuation was missing in a few bits, like here-

"The demon...Karen paused for a moment then continued. The demon... It was here. It tried to kill me again."


Well, let's try this-
"The demon-" Karen paused for a moment then continued, "The demon, it was here. It tried to kill me again


I guess Karen to the townspeople is a loony girl that claims to see demons. Poor Karen then. I hope Vincent can help. I guess he's the only one that believes her. Well, keep writing!

~lost




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Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:10 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



hey DemonHunter! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

A young woman walked down the long, dark, and empty hallway.


As far as opening lines go, I really don't like this. We don't know whose perspective you're speaking from, and walking down a hall is hardly an exciting thing to start a story with, is it?

A group of people let by an old man rushed to Karen’s aid and surrounded her.


led

II. ON PUNCTUATION

Some people will tell you that they don't believe punctuation is important, as their writing doesn't need to follow rules. The truth is, all writing needs to follow rules if it is to be read coherently! (Poetry is a slightly different art form). Here, you need to brush up a bit. Have a look at punctuation within dialogue- this is a really useful article that will help explain it! But keep an eye out for other things as well- commas where there is a natural break in a sentence, started a new paragraph every time you touch on a new theme. Once you get these under control, your writing will be so much more professional!

III. TONE

I think you need to work a little at matching your tone to your story. This is a very exciting, fast-paced beginning- but the voice you're telling it in sounds a little bored. Short snappy sentences will increase drama. Put us in Karen's head, let us feel her shock as she sees the demon. Talk about the physical effects of emotions too- sweating, ragged breath. If you want us to be shocked, you have to be a little shocked yourself! Don't be afraid to flesh things out as well- when the townspeople appear- what special features does the old man have, what are they wearing, what are they carrying? Give us the whole picture.

IV. OVERALL

What a brilliant concept! I'm intrigued to know who Vincent is and why the demon is hunting her. You just need to work a little on the presentation of the story, that's all!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x





Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.
— Ron, Parks & Rec