She were fifteen, got a present in exchange for a bed to sleep in for the night, and she were done gone – in a couple of months, that is. She weren’t beautiful; waxy limbs like Jesus decided to steamroll her, and lips that bled vulgarities.
Ahahaha-ahaughhaughhaughaha-AHAHAHA.
She be laughing like a deaf pig thrashing for its last breath. I remember it like the smell of wilted flowers back in her hometown. She forgot to water them; they died, too.
I remember the taste of her mouth. The moans.
Oh, Charlie, Oh Charlie, OhCharlieOhCharlieOh…Chaaaarrrllliiieeee.
I’d tease her, run a finger marred by life along her forearm. She’d shiver and roll her tongue around in her mouth. Wishing. Wondering.
She weren’t no angel, ‘course she weren’t. But she weren’t no devil’s incarnate, either. Her hands would clench like she be hiding something in her palm, but then she’d open them and all she’d be holding was scars.
We sat on the hill, humming and dwelling over a life we never had. Pretending to laugh, looking away at the secrets we saw swelling in each other’s cheeks. And then watching the sky, she’d be silent.
You ain’t tasted death if you haven’t seen the sun set.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It's not actually supposed to tell you more about the character. As it's a one-shot, it's supposed to tell you only what's there, but I suppose I need to concentrate the characterisation by roughly twenty percent.
I was doubtful about putting the lustful moans and laugh into this piece, but I wanted to show another side to her nature.
Thank you again. (:
A kind of gritty, informal style. I've read things like what your style doesn't seem very firm or as strong as it could be yet because you're not quite getting your story out it seems, but as you revise your story, your style and voice will definitely come out more.
Hello Snoink,
This store is prose allegory, and I understand what you mean. I'll focus on the characterisation. Thank you or reviewing. (:
Also, just out of curiosity, what 'style that you have' do I have? I'm always interested in what people have to say about my writing.
Hey Demetri!
This story is a little bit weird! The sounds "Ahahaha-ahaughhaughhaughaha-AHAHAHA" and "Oh, Charlie, Oh Charlie, OhCharlieOhCharlieOh…Chaaaarrrllliiieeee" make it sound quite humorous, but the rest of the story doesn't have a very humorous bent to it, so it's a bit confusing!
Also, I really want to know more about who the narrator is. He doesn't really have a really strong role in this story, but he seemed to play an important role on Carla, so by not knowing about him, there was no real understanding of who either of the characters were... which was a real shame! I know you want to have that style that you have, but it would be so much better if you concentrated first on the story. Style over substance only gets you so far, after all!