In My Mind

Hey wazza, I see that you already have a ton of reviewers, and I can see why! This is an amazing poem, with such expressions toward the lost thoughts, and all the things that you hide in your mind, in fear of all the negativity that could come of it. Wow, might i just say, this is extremely relatable, I am your average silent child, I do not say something unless I have 100% confidence in what I am saying.(not too often.) So I totally get where you are coming from. Anywayz, less about me and more the poem itself. Ok. So all in all, it was crafted rather nicely, a lyrical sort of poem. Lyrical is probably one of the best ways to go, especially for this type of poem. However, I couldnt help but notice that most of what was said was made up of rhetorical questions, again, not a bad method, however. There is a limit to everything when it comes to construct a poem of effortless flow whilst still maintaining the message you are trying to get across. I felt that it was possible to add some metaphors, along with possibly descriptions of the feelings provided. Ok, thats all my reccomendations. All in all, a very nice poem, i loved it, and hope to see more in the future :3

This is such a great poem. It is so relatable that I just. It expresses everything people feel when they start to say something and are drowned out by others. It is great I feel like reading it again I really want too. I don't really even like second reads but this conveys so much emotion. True relatable emotion that is hard to even put with a single word description. This poem expresses so much with so little. I guess I am just trying to say that this poem no matter how simplistic it is really deep and touching. Overall amazing poetry. Very impressive and praiseworthy.

hi there,

it's a very beautiful poem yo have written. it shows how inferior feelings we get before expressing it. choice of words and placements are nice.
i would like to make some changes to this which i think would be suitable for the poem.

In the first stanza "i 've never told the world my mind", you could write " I've never told the world my mind plays it" , i hope it will add some more meaning to the line.

secondly, in the line "Because who, who would care about things that fill my head each day like a wave hitting the sand?" i'm not able to grasp why, you replaced "mind" with "head".
is it intentional replacement?

while reading you have a good rhythm of mind and out of the blue it changes to head , is quite different. i hope i'm not intriguing your beauty of work.

it's a nice poem with with deep meaning, i loved it. keep writing good things

-chinku

Hi DefianceDagger! Here for a review, courtesy of Team Hocus. (By the way, I think your username is pretty cool.)

I can relate to the frustration that people just won't care about what you have to say. Like the times the speaker feel though others are listened more, laughed with more, etc, while they have to sit and stew in a corner. It's definitely not a very happy feeling.

The first few lines of the poem is quite strong! I liked the repetition of "a million". I noticed you use quite a bit of repetition in the poem, overall, and while some cases it works, others it might not necessarily. Like "care", because I don't know, it feels to me like it repeats a touch too much and it's a bit distracting? I'd suggest to go through and read aloud and maybe see if some parts are a touch too repetitive. Just some thoughts.

I also noticed that there are *a lot* of rhetorical questions, and while some rhetorical questions boost poems, too many can make it seem as though the speaker is asking questions and not offering a super-unique perspective. So one thing I might want to see is some more concrete moments where the speaker is ignored. I think it'll forge a stronger emotional connection between me, the reader, and the speaker. I can relate, because the content is relatable, but why not make the relation stronger? Put me in the speaker's head in that kind of situation? Again, just food for thought.

I am a bit critical here, but really, I liked it quite a bit! It talks about things I don't often see in poetry, and its message and execution is very clean and clear.

Anyway! Hope that helps. Drop me a comment if you want to chat or ask questions

-Ink

Boluk here for a review. Now I must mention before I commence this review I should probably set some things up first. This review shall, be structured in a set of three. The first set shall be talking about the positives, the second shall be talking about the negatives, and the third shall be talking about nitpicks and stuff of that nature. With that fresh in mind may the review commence.
Positives: must admit I really love this poem. For me I love poems where you can really get a veiw of the poet's mind. Now I could possibly be wrong in how I perceive this but to me this poem seems to mainly be talking about the self doubt and anxiety most people when they do...well anything really. It's mostly like a voice nagging at them telling them what they can and can't do when in reality they as human beings can do whatever they set their mind to it's just that they choose to limit themselves.

Negatives: this story seemed a bit too short for my personal taste but I can see how people would like it being short. Short poems just aren't my forte is all. Also the beggining seems to start off in a way that I can only describe as cranky and not very rhymthic. However this was quickly fixed as the poem went on.

Nitpicks: "let the talkers talk" doesn't really make sense to me at all. I think you put it there to perpetuate the negativity spreading. But I'm pretty sure that same point would've gone along had you just kept it with the jokers joking. As jokes tend to spread for the majority of the time.

Overview: Overall, I must say this is a mighty fine poem. It has a simple point of talking about self doubt and anxiety. Doubt and anxiety are just stuff we all have I don't really know why we but we just do. Mostly because we think we'll look weird in front of everyone else even though in truth, everyone else more than likely feels the same as you do. That's just my personal opinion on this. Anyway for your amazing poem I'll give it 4.5 waves hitting sand out of five.

My name is Boluk and keep living and keep writing.