The rest of the evening, I find that Halli’s brother has a lot of talents. He has already shown what he can do in the kitchen, first with dinner and now with his brownies. I don’t come out of my room, but that doesn’t stop Jimmy from barging in and practically shoving one of Kieran’s brownies with vanilla ice cream into my mouth. It is slightly crispy on the outside and perfectly moist on the inside. I want to insult it. Badly. All I can say is that it could really use a tall glass of milk. Jimmy volunteers to get it.
Later, when I do come out of my room, I find everybody has gone down to the basement. Kieran must be setting up his room. I like hanging out in the basement. In addition to Kieran’s bedroom, it has a TV room, another bathroom—at least no one has to share a bathroom with Kieran—a game/rec room, and the laundry room. Given the extra people in the house, everybody has a day that they are permitted to do laundry. Mine is on Mondays. Now that there are seven people, I can only assume Kieran will be doing his laundry on Sundays.
I decide to join everyone. Heading downstairs, it opens immediately into the TV room. I see that the PlayStation 4 has been hooked up to the high-definition projector we use in place of the TV. Everybody is taking turns playing Battlefield with Kieran. Kieran doesn’t do or say much, but he is scoring quite a few kills with nothing but sniper rifles, designated marksman rifles, and handguns for close-quarter combat. In out of each round put together, he has only been killed once. After Pasha’s turn, she offers me to play him. I refuse. He beat my highest score. That stings a bit.
I ask him if he has any other tricks up his sleeve. He takes his eyes off the screen and regards me thoughtfully before telling me that there is there is a small bit of string loose in the stitching of my cream-colored blouse just above the elbow. Okay, impressive, I’ll give him that, but before I can stop myself I blurt out,
“Can you fly?” everyone stops and glares at me. Frances and Halli look like they might be trying to turn me to stone.
Kieran blinks a few times. “Yes actually.”
I cock my head.
“How do think I got all the way from Tromsø?” he asks, and I think I hear the ghost of a laugh in his voice. Either way, he gets a laugh out of everyone. He yawns. “I’m getting tired; Tromsø is six hours ahead and I’m still trying to readjust to a sleeping pattern that coincides with Eastern Time. But, first I still have an old bedroom to set up and suitcases to unpack.
“I’ll help you,” Halli and—Pasha?—offer simultaneously.
Kieran’s eyes light up. “Thank you; after all, I came home with more than what I left with. I shipped a few things home ahead of time, I didn’t see them anywhere.”
“They haven’t arrived yet, sweetie,” informs Frances.
“Oh, pity,” he grumbles. “Well, shall we, ladies?” he gets up and Halli and Pasha follow him down the hall. I watch them until they disappear.
“He seems like a decent guy,” Talia comments. That’s saying something coming from her.
“He is,” confirms Frances, proudly. “He might be a bit shy at first, but as long as you all continue approach him gently, he’ll warm up to you.”
“Really?” asks Jimmy. “So far he seems pretty open.”
“Jemima, he can indulge himself all he wants with all of you,” Frances clarifies. “But that doesn’t mean he will open up to you.”
Jimmy frowns. I smirk. Talia seems impressed.
“Sounds like getting to know him will be all that more exciting,” she doesn’t sound convinced, but I think Talia is genuinely interested.
“What if we don’t like what we find?” I caution.
“You don’t have to like him Pauline,” Frances reminds me. “But I do expect you to respect him.” With that last demand, she goes upstairs as well, leaving me with Talia and Jimmy.
I groan and slump down onto the large sectional couch, burying my face in the cushions and leaving my legs propped up on the back. By the soft thudding around me, I can tell Jimmy and Talia have joined me.
“I don’t think I have ever seen you hate a guy so quickly,” marvels Talia.
“And I’ve never seen someone get a smile out of you so quickly,” I muffle into the cushions.
Talia laughs. “I’ll admit I am as surprised as you are about that. He does seem to know how be around women.”
“I don’t think he likes me very much,” says Jimmy.
“I don’t think he hates you,” I assure her. “It just seems that he is too much of a jerk to appreciate how high-spirited you are.”
“Or maybe he just really shy and he is not used to people approaching him with so much enthusiasm,” contradicts Talia reproachfully. “Why do you hate him so much already? I’d have thought you would be the one introducing everyone to him after apologizing in the agonizing way you usually do for hitting him with that umbrella.”
I roll over, replacing my vision with the ceiling and giving my legs a more comfortable position over the end of the couch. “That sounds great coming from the girl who hates all guys. What’s so special about this one?”
“I don’t know yet,” admits Talia. I shoot her a questioning look. “But, we all live under the same roof, so I figure why not give this guy a chance?”
“A chance to what—rape us, harass us, murder us?” I spit.
Now Jimmy scoffs. “Have you ever paid any attention to how Halli always spoke of her brother?” she reminds me. “Pauline, you may stubborn as you are sexy, but you are not stupid.”
“Or is she?” asks Talia, gloomily. “Poor, poor little Pauline,” she punctuates every syllable with a patronizing pat on my back. As she and Jimmy crack up, I lose it and grab the nearest pillow and throw it at Talia.
“Uh-oh, run for your lives everyone, we’ve woken the beast!” yells Jimmy in mock-fear. I growl and grab her ankle, forcing a playful squeal out of her. Soon the three of use become entangled in each other as we riot.
“It’s—good—to—see—your—feistiness—hasn’t—died—out,” Talia manages.
“I hope I am not interrupting anything,” the three of us stop abruptly and look over the couch. It’s Kieran and suddenly, I feel very stupid as I have Jimmy pinned underneath me with her head locked between my legs and Talia in a headlock, leaving me sandwiched between them. With the two of them looking as embarrassed as I feel, we untangle ourselves and straighten up.
“I thought you were going to bed,” I say.
Kieran nods, looking like he’s not sure what to make of our roughhousing. “I was; I came back out because Halli told me some of my bed sheets were in the sheet closet.”
“Okay, go grab them; we’re not stopping you,” I motion him with a little wag of my hand.
He looks impassive as he stands there for a minute, looking from my eyes to my hand. “Have I done something to offend you, or are you always a condescending brat like this when you make someone’s acquaintance?”
I open my mouth but no words come out and it doesn’t help that Talia and Jimmy are trying to stifle laughs. Without saying another word, Kieran opens one of the closets and after searching for a minute or two, he pulls out a set of neatly folded purple sheets. I cock my head.
“Is purple not a favorite color of many guys where you are from?” asks Kieran. He scoffs and heads back to his room.
“Purple sheets,” marvels Jimmy. “Huh, I wonder how he decorates the rest of his room.”
“Well, why don’t you go and ask?” I suggest brightly. “He might invite you to his tea party!” Before I can comprehend what is happening, Talia comes into my view and slaps the bejesus out of me. When my eyes swim back into focus, I see her glare at me as she had never glared at me before.
“It’s funny how you can turn into a bitch like this when a newcomer comes along and actually tries to be polite to everyone around him,” she marvels. “I think it is actually very sweet that he would want to help his little sister prepare for a date. I sure didn’t get that from any my brothers.”
“He hasn’t even called me by my name yet,” I protest.
“You hit him with an umbrella, maybe it’s not easy for him to open up to someone after a lousy first impression,” suggest Talia.
“Or maybe he is too retarded to look back realize that maybe I thought he was an intruder and it was all a big misunderstanding!” I scream the last two words.
“If that is the case, maybe you can show a little empathy and cut him some slack!” screams Talia, just as fiercely. “You of all people outta know how to do that.” I shoot her a look full of so much venom; she knows better than to talk about what she’s talking about. Given the circumstances, Talia doesn’t seem to care. “Be the Pauline I know and if you can’t, well then I am wasting my time. Come on, Jimmy, let’s see if our new roommate needs help. Maybe Kieran will invite us to a tea party.” Sharing a laugh, they leave me in the TV room.
I fight back the tears that I feel coming as I squeeze the silver leaf charm necklace around my neck. I slump back down onto the couch. The login screen on the PlayStation 4 is still up. I grab a controller and sift through the profiles. There’s a new one: “N33dl3s n 8rush3s.” The threes are E’s, I got that much; is the eight supposed to be a B?
“‘Needles and Brushes’,” I translate. Kieran is not the only one to use something other than his given name for his profile name, plus I assume that it has some sort of meaning for him, but what is it?
I hear laughter down the hall. I suddenly feel guilty. I spent the last few days anticipating the arrival of Halli’s brother and, though nervous about sharing a house with a guy, I was excited. She told me that he might be uncomfortable with coming home to a bunch of unfamiliar twenty-something-year-old ladies, so I was actually planning on helping smooth the transition for him. Now look how that turned out. Why do I dislike him so much already? Other than not using my name yet, he hasn’t exactly done for me to justifiably dislike him.
I let out a shuddering exhale. I turn off the console and stare at myself as the screen goes black. I smooth my hair and decide to see Kieran’s room.
Out of respect for Frances’s wishes, nobody ventured into his room much and left keeping it dusted and vacuumed to her and Halli. I don’t want to admit it, but I am interested in seeing how Halli’s brother fills his room. When I reach the doorway, I peer inside.
When the house was renovated, the basement was expanded as well and, as a result Kieran’s room became a bit bigger. Aside from the open suitcases and everyone being told by Kieran where to put everything, I’m intrigued. Canopied bed with a door to its right that I assume leads to the bathroom next door. A large mahogany desk with a few draws and a mirror, doubling it as a vanity table it seems. What kind of guy uses a vanity table? Another door is open and I see Pasha helping Kieran clothes. I wonder how he fills that walk-in closet. Another table on the opposite side of the room across from the bed with a modest sized TV, sound system and a record player. He likes vinyl. I can respect that. There’s also an empty bookshelf. I wonder how he fills it. Maybe he is still unpacking whatever he plans to put on it.
The room occupies the same corner of the house as my music room. The house is built on a slope, so this room has a sliding glass door that opens up to part of the patio below the wraparound porch. Frances was careful not to damage parts of the house, but adding the extra space to this room made it larger than the master bedroom. I still wonder why Frances turn this into her room. This part of the patio has the hot tub. I’m a bit jealous of that.
“My room is not exactly filled yet, so there’s no need to gawk,” says Kieran, looking at me.
“Either way, your room is awesome,” Jimmy compliments. “Can I have it?”
“I’m afraid not,” he replies with a small smile. There’s a collective groan of disappointment. “But, unless I am asleep or I say otherwise, everyone is welcome.” He eyeballs me. Is he actually inviting me to be a guest in his room? “Looks like we have everything just about put away; thanks for the help.”
Pasha, Halli, Talia, and Jimmy all offer some sort of “you’re welcome.”
“Now, ladies, I would like to get to bed now,” as he speaks, everyone offers him some sort of goodnight and Halli throws herself on him in another breathtaking hug.
“I’m happy you’re home,” she says so quietly I almost don’t hear her.
“Me too, little sister,” he says just as quietly before planting a kiss on top of her head. I actually smile at the gesture.
“Pauline, are you okay?” I take my eyes off of Halli and her brother and see Pasha with worry written all over the pale perfection of her face.
“I’m fine,” I reassure her. “Why?”
“Your eyes are welling up,” she responds.
Surely enough, my vision is a little obscured by a few tears that are threatening to break free. “I’m going to bed.”
“But it’s only eight o’clock,” protests Pasha as I turn away and head out of the room. I don’t need to turn around to know that she is following me upstairs. I reach our room and attempt to slam the door on Pasha, but she catches it. I sink down onto my bed and I lose my hold on the tears. My shoulders shake as I cry softly. Pasha sinks down onto the bed and cups my head lovingly as she lets me cry into her shoulder. A few shuddering giggles escape my lips.
“What’s so funny?” she tries to show concern, but sprinkles of joy escape her lips.
“If I was wearing any makeup you would not be letting me cry into that ruffled blouse!” I dribble out between my hiccupping cries.
“There’s the Pauline I know!” Pasha rejoices. “I was wondering where she went.”
I smile through my tears.
“So can she tell me what Halli’s brother has done to upset her…this time?” asks Pasha gently.
“You saw what happened in there,” I remind her.
“What?” is Pasha clueless or does she not see it as a problem?
“That exchange between Halli and her brother!” I cry.
“It brought up memories didn’t it?” now Pasha seems to be catching on. “But shouldn’t it be putting a smile on your face? Shouldn’t it be reminding you of those happy moments?”
My cries plummet and fresh tears sear their way out of me, further dampening Pasha’s shoulder. “You’re going to make a great shrink someday,” I assure her.
“I prefer ‘therapist’,” she corrects me indignantly, but I hear a smile in her voice.
“Come on, let’s get ready for bed,” suggests Pasha.
I scoff. “It’s Friday and you already want to go to bed?”
Pasha gives me a quizzical look. “I said ‘let’s get ready for bed’ not ‘let’s go to bed’.”
I laugh as we get up and start changing into our pajamas. Maybe I can try to end this evening on a good note.
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138,126 Literary Works • 672,075 Reviews
Hi Deep Crystal!
You continue to balance your cast well, and the tension between Pauline and Kieran is still fantastic. I really enjoy the way the rest of the girls react to Pauline's continued reactions to Kieran, and how there's still so much (good!) mystery around this guy. It definitely makes me want to keep reading more!
Back again for another review.
The main question this chapter brought up for me was around the ages of these girls. This is the first time, I believe, we're told that they're a bunch of 20 somethings (aside from Halli, who is in high school?). Since we haven't been told much of anything about the situation of all these girls living in Frances' house, I had come to assume it was a foster situation and had been reading all of these characters as being teenagers. I'm not sure if it's because I had been reading them as teenagers or if it's just written this way, but finding out they're in their 20s makes all of these characters feel extremely immature. Perhaps it's the way almost all of their decisions and reactions are rooted in emotions, rather than logic (adults can make emotional decisions, of course, but these girls often feel impulsively emotional).
Like I said, it's quite possible that I feel this way because I was already imagining them all as young. When you revisit these early chapters, be sure to be really clear up front how old these girls are. It will affect the way your readers interpret them, as it definitely affected the way I interpreted them!
On that note, this realization of their real ages raises a LOT of questions about the situation in this house. We're three chapters in, and I still don't have a solid idea of what the deal is. It's obviously not the typical young-adult-roommates situation because they're living with an older adult - Frances - and a teenager - Halli. And it can't be a foster situation, like I'd assumed, because they're all adults. Are any of these girls students? Or just working? Why can't they live in their own apartments or rented houses in a regular roommate situation? Is Frances just running a boarding house (I vaguely recall something like this being mentioned, so forgive me if you did; if it was mentioned, it probably needs to be made clearer what the arrangement is even more than just calling it a boarding house. This kind of situation, at least in the US, is not very common so the average reader would need a little more context to avoid being confused. It will probably also help to clarify ages at the start to make this housing situation make more sense).
Otherwise, this was a great chapter! I'm excited to read more and see how the plot begins to take hold. There's something off about Kieran and I'm eager to see how that unfolds.
Keep writing!
--Lauren
Hey there! I thought I'd go ahead and give this a quick review.
I just wanted to say this was great because it immediately gave me a sense of Pauline's character and told me she was in a bad mood.
On your many characters: There were some you did a great job of making distinct (Pauline, Kieren, Jimmy, and sort of Pasha towards the end) but the others blended in to the point I'd really have no idea how many there were had you not said there were seven at the beginning of the chapter. Honestly, since it's only chapter three, I'd highly recommend you try to find a way to leave several of them out of any given scene. Once the audience gets to know all of the characters and can keep track of them better, then you can have scenes with all of them at once. Honestly, it's the same way it works in real life - it's a lot easier to keep track of a conversation with 8 people if you've known them all your life versus if you've just met them.
That being said, I really like the way they all work together and have fun together. They definitely feel like they've known each other for a long time, which is something that's hard to pull off and that I personally love reading when it happens.
I have to admit I don't quite get why Pauline dislikes Kieren so much, but I'm fairly certain that's just because I haven't read previous chapters, and it's just in her character anyway. That being said, I thought the comment about him possibly raping them really crossed the line. I could sort of understand it if a) it wasn't her friend's brother and b) there weren't six of them that he'd have to overpower to do it, but it just seems really overblown and if it was a joke, not in very good taste.
The only other thing I'd say is that they go from room to room and cover several hours in this one scene, to the point that it gets a little hard to keep track of where they are. Trying to make the transitions more distinct would probably clear that up.
And that's all I've got for this! Good luck, and keep writing!
Heya
I've been away from YWS for a long time and just decided to drop in. So excuse me if this review isn't up to the YWS standards you may be used to. My thoughts:
1. You have too many characters and none of them are distinct. Obviously I've come into the story after all the introductions have been made, and obviously I've missed some of the interactions that have happened prior to this. But open any best selling novel to a random chapter (or even chapter 3) and I can guarantee you're not going to read about 8 (I think) characters. You might read about 5 characters (very rare), but it is more common to read interactions between at most, 4 characters at a time. Who is not necessary to the story? Do I really need to know about Halli, Pasha, Jimmy, Frances etc in every scene? Which characters are actually important to the story and which ones can be culled? I notice that you have POV in the title of the chapter. Without knowing anything else about your story, I'm assuming that you swap POVs to multiple characters. To serve what purpose? Main characters are main characters because they are the most interesting. The story revolves around them and what they do. Neville Longbottom is Harry Potter's friend, but the story doesn't follow Neville around because Harry Potter is the main character. Alice Cullen can see the future, but she's not the main character, Bella Edwards is, so the story follows her. Find out who your main characters are and follow them, not the support characters.
2. Even if you can't bring yourself to cull the characters, you need to think about what sets them apart. From this chapter I see two main characters. Kieran and Pauline. I can tell them apart because they do contradictory things and sound different. Everyone else sounds the same and are non-entities. How can you set these characters apart and make them mean something?
3. I cringe whenever I read something a character says that is supposed to be witty, clever or cutting - but it is not at all. This happened a few times in your story and because it wasn't naturally funny, you had the other characters reacting as if it were. I also cringe when scenarios occur that are supposed to be cute or endearing, but are just written for the sake of it. The play wrestling means nothing. It could be completely cut out without losing anything of the story. All it serves to do is create a space for the guy to leave and come back again so that the characters can talk about him. They can talk about him without you doing that.
4. Actions that don't happen in real life. No one slaps the "bejesus" out of someone for being sarcastic. No one just responds calmly after that happens to them - when you're slapped so hard that your eyes are swimming, you're not going to just stand there.
5. Your writing is pretty good in terms of grammar and punctuation. Kudos to you. You are on your way to creating a story that is emotionally moving, but you need to focus on the small details instead of the overall picture. Have you read any Jodi Picoult? Your story seems to be a drama/angst story. Picoult's books consist of millions of small details that enrich the story without bogging it down. Let's look at this:
Grammatically correct. Some nice sentences. It tells a story. But there is no depth. Nothing that really makes me feel or shows me the thoughts of your character. She does this, she does that. But how does she feel? It's in first person, her emotions should be laid raw for us to see.
Tears cloud my vision. A whirl of emotions storm and seize a nauseating rhythm in my stomach. Pasha's footsteps fall softly behind me and suddenly we're six again and Pasha's tiptoeing behind me to spy on my brother. The memory brings a wave of fresh tears and a shuddering pain. Shoulders hunched I gripped the door to our room and flung it closed but Pasha catches it. Tumbling to my bed, I let it all out. Soon Pasha's catching my tears too.
6. Keep on keeping on. You've got all the works. Now just focus on a few characters and what makes them human. It's all in the details.
- Jai
PS: Be careful of repeating phrases that are particularly note-worthy. "I cock my head" is something that can only be written once a chapter. "... escape her/my lips" is another phrase that should only happen once. Readers will notice duplication/repetition.
All the best!
Thank you very much. I will definitely work on the characters. Also, Pauline and Kieran are not brother and sister.
I were to pick up a Jodi Picoult book which one would you recommend?
It depends on what sort of stories you like to read. Picoult focuses on the human condition and how people react to certain scenarios. Looking at my bookshelf I can see 12 of her novels, but my favourite isn't there. I read it in high school and I think that it haunted me for a long time. I don't think I've revisited it because too many of the elements were truthful, painful. It's called Nineteen Minutes. Most recently I've reread House Rules which is about about a teenager with Asperger's syndrome - I think I'd recommend this one to you, as the book swaps point of view for each chapter, so if you want an example of it being done well and each character having their own voice, this is a good choice.
All the best to you and your story