Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
I
No, I am not interested,” says Halli firmly.
“Halli, you’re fifteen, you are lovable, funny, cute, and some guy in a varsity jacket asked you out,” I protest, barely looking at her as I drive. I can feel her icy blue eyes glaring at me, though I steal a quick glance and I see the ghost of a smile.
“Also, he asked you to out to Cedar Point with tickets on him, not a movie,” adds Jimmy, leaning forward. “That’s better than my first date. The dick showed up half an hour late and when he finally came, he asked me if we’d like to just hang out in his barn and eat cheeseburgers. At least this guy said—how did you put it?—‘my intentions are completely admirable’?”
“Just what any guy says before they kidnap you and no one sees you again or you reappear as a damaged shell of who you once were, or in a body bag,” says Talia darkly. The car falls silent for a moment.
“Gee, thanks for that gloomy input, Tal,” Halli grumbles.
“Maybe we shouldn’t be forcing her into this if she doesn’t feel comfortable with it,” suggests Pasha, her calm voice barely resonating over the roar of traffic.
“Thank you, Pasha,” says Halli, throwing up her hands. I see Pasha reach forward and grasp her shoulder affectionately.
“Anytime, little Payce,” she promises.
I scramble for a protest. “But he has tickets and why would he ask you out if he didn’t like you?”
“Pauline, my brother was asked to go to a party with someone and he was traumatized so badly he fled the Buckeye State—hell, he fled the continent,” Halli reminds me. I remember her telling me that story. She wouldn’t say what exactly happened to him and I learned after a few weeks to quit asking.
I think for a minute. “I gotta an idea.”
“Is she going to like it?” asks Talia, warningly.
“Halli can speak for herself, Talia,” I say through gritted teeth. “How about you invite him over for dinner; you’re an excellent cook you can make dinner for him and you two can get to know each other over a quieter setting.”
She takes off her heart-shaped sunglasses and frowns at me. “You are not going give up until I accept a date from this potential sex offender, are you?”
I give her a brief, but significant look.
Halli rolls her eyes. “Oh, screw this, I do it!”
Jimmy and I squeal happily. “But you have to let me help you decide what to wear,” I declare.
“Bite me, now let’s get home; you guys know how my mother gets after a long day at work and the house is messy,” commands Halli.
I feel a cold chill sweep through the car all of the sudden. Frances Payce is a wonderful woman who is as much as second mother to all of us as well as a landlady, but financial rent is only one of many contributions to the house. We must keep it tidy, take turns running errands, and just about everything as if we were her children. And when we fail to follow any of her strict guidelines, she brings the hammer down hard.
“At least we got the lawn taken care,” says Jimmy, trying to brighten the mood. “It looks like it’s going to rain.”
“You’re right,” agrees Halli, leaning forward and looking at the sky. “Thank God all the outdoor stuff is taken care of. Did someone remember to put the tarp over the grill?”
“Oh, shit, I supposed to do that,” groans Jimmy.
“No worries, everyone, Frances doesn’t come home for another four hours,” I interject before panic builds up. “No panicking in the Lexus.” I take silent pleasure in their almost immediate obedience.
Before long, the Payce house comes into view and I smile.
Wrap-around porch with a deck above a portion facing the lake, off-center roof with windows jutting out , adding to the whole asymmetry of the house—as per Frances Payce’s architectural style. A blurred combination of stone and glass and wood that I think she intended to make people wonder what style she was going for. Perhaps she centered on a form of avant-garde? While maintaining a classy feel? I have never been particularly knowledgeable of architecture.
Given of the overall asymmetry, the upper floor seems smaller than the lower floor. As a result, you can look down from the deck and see the roofed cover of the porch.
“Didn’t we turn off all the lights before we left for the mall?” asks Pasha. Indeed, I also see that there are a couple of lights on, made noticeable thanks to the sun hiding behind the gathering storm clouds.
“I thought we did,” replies Jimmy. “Were we expecting anyone?”
“Okay, two things, farm girl, one—Frances would have told us about a visitor, two—unless we’re all handing out copies of the house key to all of our potential visitors, somebody is in our house who doesn’t belong,” states Talia.
“In that case, let’s try to be quiet as we go in the house,” I suggest as I park the car before we are even halfway up the driveway. “Let’s show this person that nobody comes into the house unless invited.”
After convincing Halli to stay behind me and for everyone else to wait—much to their annoyance—we get out of the car. I take off my shoes to lessen the sound of my approach. When I reach the porch, I stare at the front door and the windows around it curiously. It doesn’t look there was some sort of forced entry. I give the front door a try; it’s unlocked. I open it just a little and peek inside. Everything seems intact in the dining room to the left and the closet to the right, but at the same time it still looks…weird. The floor is swept and polished. Okay, so the intruder decided to go all Snow White on the house?
I open the door further and step inside. I go into the closet and grab one of the umbrellas. I feel totally stupid as I hold the thing like a sword. What use is an umbrella going to be if the intruder has a gun?
I hear something. It sounds like it is coming from the kitchen. I turn to Halli. “Okay, I think someone is in the kitchen,” I whisper. “Stay in the closet.” Halli gives me a pained look, but listens. Before I turn away, I see her give me a middle finger out of the corner of my eye. That’s going to come back to haunt her—very soon.
I hold the umbrella over my head as I round the corner. I noticed when I first stepped inside the door that I smelled something, but I wasn’t paying enough attention to realize what it was at the time. Whoever this intruder is must have been hungry to make what smells like very delicious hash browns and bacon.
The kitchen appears normal. Everything from the large wooden-paneled refrigerator, the stove, the walk-in pantry, and the sink don't appear ransacked or anything. What's wrong, are the dishes on the stove and the guy sitting at the island. Brunette, fancy fur-lined leather jacket, slim-straight dark blue jeans, and black monk-strap loafers…what is this guy, something out of Vanity Fair? And he is just sitting there eating our food! My hand tightens around the folds of the umbrella and the guy stops in mid-chew. Just as he turns around I swing and hit him as hard as I can.
The guy goes crashing down, bringing the plate of hash browns and bacon with him. “OW!” he shouts over and over as he grips his head. He adjusts his half-rim glasses and falls silent as he looks up at me.
After about a minute or two, the way he is staring at me, unblinking, is really getting on my nerves. “Quit staring at me!” I shout, raising the umbrella a little higher. “Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in this house?” I demand, putting on the bravest, deadliest voice I can muster.
“Who am I?” he repeats as he adjusts his half-rim glasses and faces me. “Who are you?”
I lose some of my ferocity for a minute. “I asked you first,” I declare, although I think I sounded flatter than I intended.
Still rubbing his head, he rolls his eyes. “I’m…”
“Kieran?” I whip around and see Halli. I am about to ask her what the hell she is doing when I look from her to the guy and then I see the matching features. Icy blue eyes, slender body frames, same shade of chocolaty hair, though hers much longer, similar model-like complexions…
I feel extremely stupid. “Um, is this…?”
“My brother,” answers Halli breathlessly, finishing my sentence.
Flooded with embarrassment, I set the umbrella down on the counter and offer Kieran my hand. He looks from my hand to my eyes skeptically. Pushing his glasses further up his nose with his middle finger—yes, he definitely Halli’s brother—he accepts my hand and I help him to his feet. No sooner than I step away from him, does Halli come running into his arms.
I watch as the two embrace each other. Despite my embarrassment, I smile a bit at Halli’s squeals. Eleven months and I have never seen her so happy. “Kieran, you ridiculously pale brat, when did you get back?” she demands between laughs.
“Three hours ago,” he replies. “I did some cleaning while you were gone.”
Halli scoffs. “I thought you weren’t coming home for another week!”
“Um, I lied,” explains Kieran flatly. “I wanted to surprise everyone. Sorry.”
Halli laughs again. “We thought you were an intruder!”
Kieran cocks his head. “An intruder who uses a house key, knows his way around the kitchen, and does not turn the place upside down hunting for trinkets?” His voice is calm, but the incredulity is there. “Little sister, has eighteen months of my absence robbed you of your cleverness?
“So, little sister, care to tell me who umbrella-girl is?” I snap to focus as I realize he is referring to me. When I pictured meeting my landlady’s son for the first time, it did not involve hitting him in the head.
“This nice girl is Pauline,” introduces Halli calmly as she untangles herself from him. “Pauline, this is my brother, Kieran.”
Kieran stares at me the same way he was before, as if he were carefully taking in every detail of my body. It makes me feel a little uneasy.
“You’re taller than I expected,” I observe, trying to make conversation.
“I grew about twelve-and-half centimeters during my time in the Arctic,” explains Kieran as he grabs a bag of frozen vegetables from the freezer and presses it to his head. My inches-to-centimeters conversion is a little rusty, but I think it is five inches. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” His voice is so calm, so reserved. Is he scared of throwing any expression into his tone?
I put on my friendliest smile. “Nice to meet you too,” I offer my hand. He stares at it for a minute before taking it tentatively. Am I poisonous?
“Mom told me she was leasing out the house,” says Kieran. “I barely recognized the house when I got home.”
He must be referring to the fact that his mother renovated, adding the two bedrooms and two bathrooms. On the upside, it tripled the value of the property. I don’t know much about real estate, but I do know that a few people have tried to buy it off of Mrs. Payce. As if she would ever sell.
“Well, as I am sure you saw, your bedroom and your diary room are all untouched,” Halli reassured. Diary room? She must be referring to that mysterious room upstairs that had four deadbolts on it.
I hear the front door open. “Is everything okay?” asks Jimmy. Their questions overlap, but as they round the corner, they fall silent.
I decide to spare Halli the introductions. “Everyone, meet Halli’s brother—Kieran.”
The ladies appear enthusiastic and Kieran smiles softly, but I don’t think everyone is terribly excited about this new establishment.
“Now, why don’t we make dinner and get to know each other?” I suggest.
“I’ll make dinner.” Everyone faces Kieran, who, in turn, looks at everyone. “I’m a decent cook and I can see that I have compromised what has been a girls-only establishment up until now. The least I can do is unburden you all from dinner-duty.”
Everyone but Halli, who seems clearly excited by the idea of his cooking, stare at him. He seems overly formal, but I how earnest he is. Despite how hurt I feel considering the stuffed pepper dinner I had planned, I shrug. “You know what, why not?”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
It sure has been a long year...
So, this chapter setups for what seems to be a major plot line in Kieran's disappearance, but the main bulk of it was introducing the characters. Therefore, the characters are going to be what I focus in on in this review.
Usually, I complain when a writer introduces several characters at the same time, because I have trouble digesting all of them properly and it ends up making the entire story feel rushed as a result. That wasn't the problem here -- it's very easy to tell all the characters apart. It helps, not only for you to have given them unique names, but introducing them with some sort of quirky or off-kilted moment to establish that character, like Kieran and the umbrella, or Talia and her bodybag comments. These lines paint a mental picture of the characters without you even having to take up space to describe their physical features. It's really nice work.
Kieran in particular is an interesting character. Not just in his over-formality which makes him stand out from the rest, but his backstory of having fleed from the country for eighteen months -- over as something as mundane as being invited to a party, no less. I feel like he's going to end up being your "stand-out" character as the story goes on, although that's not to say the rest of the characters don't have potential. Pauline's first impression of the house being that of the architectural nature of it is interesting because that's not what most people think the first time they see a house. Even though we, the readers, don't get to meet Frances, the way the characters talk about her makes her seem like an intriguing person as well.
Like I said, I personally had no trouble following along with all the various characters introduced, but keep in mind I also already read a few of the chapters a year ago, so I also had some of them already instilled in my head. But let's back it up towards the beginning and see how we can iron out this chapter and the introductions of the characters:
You have Pauline, Halli, Jimmy, Talia and Pasha in this car, they're visiting this house. We don't know exactly how they all know each other (though Pauline never met Halli's brother who disappeared eighteen months ago, so they obviously can't have known each other for their whole entire lives.) We don't even know where they were driving home from before the story began. But apparently, they all live with each other, and that's that.
My question here is, do you need all these characters in the car? Can't Jimmy, Talia and Pasha be doing something else, or already be home at the time? Their only purpose seems to be to show that they live there too, but they don't seem to have much reaction to Kieran's apperance after such a long absence (neither does Halli for that matter.)
So what I would actually do is split this into two chapters. In the car conversation, you can have Pauline mention living with the others, and then you can end it when she hears the intruder. But the only characters you actually need in the car are Pauline and Halli, since those are the ones who go into the building. Then, in chapter two, you can have all the other characters show up. That way, you can give the scene space to breathe so-to-speak, and you can have the characters react the way they should react.
I believe that about covers it. I do like the characters a good deal, so I'll be sure to check out the next chapters, though the reviews might not be this long.
Thanks and I will work on that. I have been told that I ought to cull a few characters, but it does seem to throw people off when a story goes through a major revision on this website
Deep Crsytal! I have to confess, I saw chapter two of this story in the green room and thought to myself "man, that title sounds familiar" and lo and behold, I reviewed the first handful of chapters of this for the last draft you posted! So of course I couldn't resist coming back for another look.
This chapter flows so well. You navigate from moment to moment nicely, and there aren't any strange transitions between scenes or anything. Pacing is one of the hardest things to nail down, so great job!
I love the innocence of the opening scene, with these girls convincing their friend to give a date a shot. It's sweet and realistic and was such a heartwarming way to begin a story. It immediately drew me into these characters and let me sympathize with them. Starting with a universal experience like this - friends together talking about dates and crushes - is a great way to bring readers into your story and your characters.
On the other hand, I had a really hard time keeping all the characters straight at the beginning. It seems to me there are three issues here: there are a lot of characters (at least four, right?) who are familiar with each other and use nicknames that we aren't familiar (we're only just learning their names!) and there's a lack of physical description. So not only are we reading a car full of talking heads, they're talking heads we have trouble keeping straight.
This is not such a hard fix. I'm sure you're not interested in eliminating any of the characters, so my suggestion is to take the time to add some physical descriptions. At the beginning of the scene, take a moment to establish who is there and where they're sitting. Then, as they talk, keep checking back in with the scene. What are they doing while they talk? What's happening outside? What other sensory details are there that can put us more firmly in the scene? If we're more grounded in the physical aspects of the scene, I think it'll be easier to keep track of who is who.
Otherwise, I'm excited to see where this goes! I love the twist of Halli's brother being there making bacon and hash browns (though why is he jumping straight to dinner if he's just eaten?) and having cleaned up, and I'm interested to learn more about the teenagers (I'm assuming they're teens?) living in this house with Halli and her mom.
Keep writing!
--Lauren
Hello,
Full disclosure: I have not read the original first chapter or the subsequent ones. It didn't sound, based on your description, like I needed to, so I figured I could get away with it. And, considering the fact that I wasn't lost, I guess it worked.
Anyway, on with the review...
This is a great chapter you've got here. Besides some pesky typos, it reads like a published YA book: snappy dialogue, interesting characters, a mysterious sort-of stranger coming back into town... just very, very good. As Squirtlepowiee said before me, the flow's flawless; each transition is smooth and the conversation does indeed feel very natural.
It's a bit of a page-turner, too. I'm really interested in finding out more about this brother dude. I liked the way you introduced him—it was suspenseful, and it made the exposition seem natural and organic. All of your character introductions have been great. Ordinarily I caution against setting up so many characters so early in a story, but you seem very adept at handling them. It was smart how you took Halli and Pauline away to deal with the intruder and left the others for a while—which thereby prevented overwhelming yourself, as the writer, and us, as the readers. Plus it also allowed us to get to know Halli, Pauline, and Kieran individually, whereas as if all the characters had been there, you'd have had to split up the dialogue so much that none of them likely would've made much of an impression.
I also think that what we did get to see of the other girls was very good. We got a taste of each of their personalities, and you, rather masterfully, did that just on dialogue alone—a great example of showing rather than telling. It made them seem funny and interesting, and to stick in our minds. Already I found myself liking Talia based on her dark, conversation-halting line (a girl after my own heart, right there). I got a feel for each of them before Kieran was introduced.
Kieran himself... well, I don't know what to think about Kieran, but I do know I'd like to find out where you take this. I may just have to go back and read all the chapters you've written so far, once I get a chance.
Additionally, I thought the writing itself was smart and strong—I get the sense you've been writing for a while. The tone fit well. The bits of humor you layered throughout this chapter were very funny and subtle, and I liked that the humor didn't overwhelm the more serious/straight/suspenseful parts—you struck a great balance.
All that said, time for nitpicks and miscellaneous comments:
The M in "my" should be lowercase.
You left off the "who" following "of."
You don't really need the "her" at the end—"quit asking" is enough on its own.
"You're an excellent cook." Also, there should be a comma after "cook."
You're missing a word.
Again: missing a word.
Was Jimmy suffering a stroke when she said this?
"As a result" is repetitive.
Missing a word—"to," right after "key."
Missing a word, again—should be "the" right after "into."
First: There should be a "to" after "Halli." Second: "Behind me" is repetitive.
Something about this bit isn't quite working. I think it's because the way you've written it is very flat, very straightforward—like you're giving directions. I get why you chose to have the sentences be so short (in order to make them choppy and thus, capture the suspense of this moment), but it doesn't really work. It's just sort of too plain, too simple, and a scene like this really requires zest and intensity. I'd rewrite this as something like...
"I take off my shoes to lessen the sound of my approach. [When] I reach the porch, I stare at the front door and the windows around it curiously. It doesn’t look there was some sort of forced entry. (But looks can be deceiving.) I give [the front door] a try; it’s unlocked. I open it just a little and peek inside. Everything seems intact in the dining room [to] the left and the closet to the right, but at the same time, something looks... weird."
Is it just me, or does this line make no sense?
Many things wrong here:
*"Normal" is repetitive.
*You switch tenses—you'd been writing in present-tense ("the kitchen appears normal"), then switch to past ("what were not normal were two things..."), then go back to present ("the room is clean").
*The way you say "minus the dishes on the stove and the guy sitting at the island" just feels weird. You started this by saying two things weren't normal, and those two things were the cleanliness of the room and the guy's presence. But then you lump the guy in as part of the only things still messy about the room, and that's the way he's introduced (rather than, "the two strange things were the kitchen's cleanliness, and the presence of a man sitting at the island"). The guy shouldn't count as a mess, first of all, because that doesn't make sense, and second of all, you've set him up to be the other abnormality, so you can't really lump him in with the first abnormality if you're originally counted him as being separate. You know?
Should be "than."
I think "intruder" would be the more appropriate word here. Unless this is a bit of foreshadowing? In which case, I approve.
The H in the second "his" (following "trinkets") should be capitalized. Also, "trinkets"? What century is this?
Well, that's disturbing.
Fun fact: if someone were constantly reminding me I had very nice breasts, we wouldn't be friends so much as two people on opposite ends of a restraining order.
This story brings new meaning to the term "bosom buddies."
No, I'm pretty sure he was referring to the other umbrella girl—the one who's been standing patiently in the corner this whole time, clutching her yellow umbrella as she waits for it to rain. You never mentioned her, but I have a sixth sense for unmentioned background characters and I'm getting a strong feeling she's among them right now.
Couple of things: First, who—besides an alien—would call their brother "brother"? That just sounds awk as hell. Maybe it's me, I dunno. Maybe that's a perfectly common thing sisters do: begin sentences by calling their brother "brother." But I've never personally witnessed it and it's making me wrinkle my nose right now with incredulity.
And secondly, you forgot a word again—"introduces Halli in calmly and welcoming" doesn't make any sense.
Can't say I blame her. What's this guy's deal? Between checking out his sister's bust and now this, I'm getting major creep vibes.
"Voice" is repetitive. You can strike the second one; "into his tone" is sufficient.
That comma should be a period.
So you just crossed the line from 'repetitive' to 'extremely, amazingly, stunningly repetitive.' I wish I could say there was a prize involved, but there's not. Just a desperate plead for an edit.
This guy just gets creepier and creepier. If he turns out to be the world's biggest sweetheart after you've taken all this time establishing his creepiness, I'm going to be outraged.
You're missing a word... or several. Hard to say.
NO. C'mon Pauline, this guy has a mysterious room with four deadbolts on it and just appraised both his sister and you. Don't cook for him, RUN.
Period after "dinner."
Anyone else hearing the Jaws theme music in their head right now? Or maybe the Psycho shower scene music? Just me? Okay, moving on...
"Seems" is repetitive.
"Why not," Pauline? Seriously? One word: arsenic. 'Nuff said.
So! My overall thoughts, to summarize: This is a strong start to what seems like a very intriguing book. It's entertaining and the characters already seem well-developed. The underlying humor was a nice touch. Remember to always reread and edit multiple times—you seem to be in a bad habit of leaving off words, which everyone does occasionally, but that can be cleared up so long as you take the time to go through your work carefully, and more than once.
Great work!
Haiii!
Wow! Your story flows soooo smoothly. It seems like there is a natural conversation happening between the characters. There wasn't much I could edit, but here are a few tiny details. They are mostly grammar mistakes.
"Halli rolls her eyes. “Oh, screw this, I do it!” Shouldn't that be an, "I'll do it!" ?
"“Oh, shit, I supposed to do that,” groans Jimmy." Do you mean, "I'm suppose to" or "I was suppose to"?
"I interject before panic builds up." I think it would be better if it were, "I interject before panic starts to build up."
I don't know if this sentence was intended to not be a sentence. It wasn't very clear to me. "Wrap-around porch with a deck above a portion facing the lake, off-center roof with windows jutting out , adding to the whole asymmetry of the house—as per Frances Payce’s architectural style." If it is, then never mind xD
"Perhaps she centered on a form of avant-garde? While maintaining a classy feel?" This could be one sentence, saying, ""Perhaps she centered on a form of avant-garde while maintaining a classy feel?"
Overall, nice story! I really love the dialogue between characters. I know I already said this before, but they sound soooo natural! Not many people can write like that! Great work and keep writing!
~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee