*Untitled* Book about Pirates

by DeadEndsAreOptional
  • February 3, 2011
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Historical Fiction

*** I'm sorry, but I have currently removed this work from YWS. Due to editing purposes. If you would like to read any of my other stories please go here: member14997.html

Comments & reviews · 3
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DeadEndsAreOptional
Comment
DeadEndsAreOptional commented · Thu Feb 03, 2011 11:30 pm

Actually, I have twist up ahead about the girl pirate thing. Hopefully it will be interesting. :) Samantha is suppose to be around twelve or thirteen. When I described Prince Gavin as a "small ignorant boy prince of thirteen" I was trying say that he was small in size and full of himself. I'll make sure to make it easier to understand that.

Thanks for both of your reviews! Their always very helpful. :D

~ DeadEnds

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megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review · Thu Feb 03, 2011 10:55 pm

Hey Deadends,
I feel like I'm kind of stalking you now, since I just finished one of your reviews, but what can I say. I like pirates. :pirate2:
Anyway, as a prologue it was pretty good. Your grammar was actually pretty good. I only caught a few punctuation errors, and those things slip by everyone, so it's no big deal

The boat swayed dangerously back and forth.
I think the boat swayed back and forth dangerously sounds better, but that is just a preference.

For once I was glad I was wearing men’s garb.
You need a comma after for once.

How embarrassing it would have been if Matthew - my father’s quartermaster - caught view of my legs!
Commas would work just as well as the hyphens.

The wheel of the ship was turning frantically, I nodded and hurried to the stern.
No one was in control of the steering device? Really? That's hard to believe.
Frantically isn't really the best word. Try haphazardly or something along to lines of out of control.
Finally, That's two sentences. You need a semi-colon or period where the comma is.

The storm was frightening, especially for a girl of my age.
You've made Samantha sound a little wimpy. If she's used to being on a ship, surely she's used to storms such as this.
If you still want to talk about the storm, say something about it's ferocity, not it's scariness.

This journey was to bring the small ignorant boy prince of thirteen, Prince Gavin, to the capital.
Now, I'm a little confused on the age of Samantha. You make her sound young when you speak of how frightening the storm is, but here she's looking down on the age of thirteen.

He was raised on a small island that belonged to his father, the poor boy had never seen his father for more then a few days in a year.
Here's another run-on. You need a period or semi-colon where the comma is.

One last thing, the other reviewer said girl pirate stories are over done. The thing is cliches are easy to find, but if you twist any cliche to a certain point, it won't be a cliche anymore. Again, sorry for the conflicting advice. This kind of thing as been bother me for a while now.

I think have a knack for characters. I like your characters in almost all of your stories that I've read. PM me with any questions or any requests for reviews.
Megsug
P.S. I forgot if I gave you the link to that punctuation grammar site or not. If I didn't and you want it, just ask.

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BondGirl007
Review
BondGirl007 wrote a review · Thu Feb 03, 2011 9:50 pm

Hey there! I'm Hope, here to review!

“All hands on deck!” Father yelled, bounding up the ladder to the deck. The boat swayed dangerously back and forth. I tightened my grip on the ladder as I climbed up after father. For once I was glad I was wearing men’s garb. How embarrassing it would have been if Matthew - my father’s quartermaster - caught view of my legs!
Eeehh female pirate stories are so overdone, like you have no idea. But from what I can tell she still retains her girliness, which makes it a little more original.

The storm was frightening, especially for a girl of my age
We don't know how old she is ;).

He was raised on a small island that belonged to his #0000FF ">father, the poor boy had never seen his #0000FF ">father for more then a few days in a year
Watch for repeating words, they make things feel awkward when you're reading it.

I love the cliff hanger you've left us with, it makes me want to read more, which is awesome! Good job, keep writing!

~Hope
Much to my surprise, Prince Gavin came up from his #0000FF ">quarters (father generously gave him his #0000FF ">quarters for the rough voyage).
Again, watch for using words too closely to each other. I find reading my words out loud to myself helps me catch things like this.

His face was ghostly white, his eyes bulged fromhis eye #FF0000 ">their sockets obviously scared.



Bananas
— looseleaf