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Hi, everyone! I just posted a preface, if you like to read it go here: post817149.html#p817149

Thank you for your review, Megsug! You can give me as much critique as you can, it helps me a lot. I fixed up this part of the book - well more like totally re-wrote it - last night. I'll try to post it later this week. Thanks again for your review. I'll make sure to add more of the change of Ma.

- DeadEndsAreOptional

Hey,
Your grammar has improved a lot. I would have review this before now, but I just realized you had posted it so... yeah. Personally, and I'm sorry to give a conflicting opinion, I feel like the MC standing up shows that he's protecting his sister. If you make him walk over toward her or put a hand on her shoulder or something comforting, it might sound less dramatic like he stood in anger. If you really wanted to show a change in his mother, I would describe how tired she looked, how calloused her hands had become, etc. You don't have a lot of description here, so you could do it, if you wanted to.
I'm looking forward to the next part.
Megsug

Thank you for all your reviews! It has helped me a lot.

d@ydre@mer27 and ballerina13: When I re-read this part of the story, I did notice how dramatic it was. I was thinking that I should re-write this part or delete all of this scene and re-write it completely. Suggestions?

Again, thank you SO much for your reviews! I'm totally re-thinking how I'm writing this story and hopefully it will be a lot better with what I got from your reviews.

Thanks!
- DeadEndsAreOptional

really good job in writing this though there were a few mistakes but the top review already corrected them, i'm interested to see what the rash decision is and i love how the family goes into drama but thats just my personal opinion, anyway great job!

This was good. I like that you created and a cliff hanger. It made me want to read more. I am interesting in where this story it going to go; I like the plot. So, I noticed that there were some left out words and without them, the sentence was not very clear. You had to figure it out. Remeber to re-read your story and to through it to check for mistakes like that.
I feel that the arguement between the girl, the son and the mother was a bit too dramatic. Maybe tone it down a bit.But that is just a suggestion. I like you explained more of there situation and hardship. It adds more emotion. Good job on this. Keep it up.

DeadEndsAreOptional wrote:Hello, everyone! I had this part of the first chapter written already, but now that I read it again I think I might have to change it abit. I wrote this scene to kind of show how much Ma had changed, among other things. I think I might have to remove it from the story, but I thought I would get your take on it first. If you haven't read the first part go to this topic: topic75549.html

Tell me what you think.
Ok the review is in pink!
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It was a week after my eighteenth birthday. Barely five months since the war started.
We ate little, living on the few dollars until our next pay. The younger ones went to bed. It was only Ma, Lila, Bonnie (my other sister) and I up. The girls were sewing together the small clothes that didn’t fit anyone anymore together to make some new clothes. Ma sat quietly, rocking in her chair. Staring blankly at the flickering fire in the fireplace. I went over the bills, trying to find out how to pay them and leave some money to give us food. I like how you're saying all this but there are a lot of choppy sentences. Maybe try to connect a few of them with a comma or two. You'll find it'll flow a lot better that way. “Who spent money on candy?” I asked aloud when I saw a dollar worth of candy on a receipt.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I did. I forgot.” Lila admitted quietly.
“That’s okay.” I told her. “Just don’t do it again.” Unless you leave some for me. I finished in my head. Lila nodded and continued to her sewing. Ma looked away from the fire and looked at Lila with disappointment all over her face.
“We work hard to earn that money. You should know better then to spend it on candy.” Ma said rather harshly.
“I know, I’m sorry.” Lila said.
“You don’t see me spending a dollar on selfish reasons. Stanley and I work day in and day out.”
“I know Ma. I said I’m sorry.” Lila whispered to Ma. I set down the pencil I was using to mark the bills.
“You better be.” Ma said, standing up. Having her stand up is REALLY dramatic. I don't know if it's all that necessary. “That dollar could have been used for our supper. Do you want us to go hungry?”
“No.” Lila murmured, tears welling up in her eyes.
“What did you say?”
“No, I don’t want us to go hungry.” Lila said, a tear streaked down her cheek.
“That’s enough, Ma. She said she was sorry.” I stood up from my chair. Bonnie looked back and forth to Ma and I.
“No it is not. She needs to know what she did wrong.” Ma practically yelled at me.
“You don’t need to yell at her to get the message!”
“She is a young woman, she needs to know what is wrong and what is right.”
“She’s only fifteen!” I yelled. Ma and I argued on end for what felt like hours. We screamed at each other. Soon it wasn’t about the candy. I argued to Ma how she needs to start acting like a mother again instead of ignoring us. Ma yelled how I needed to start acting like a man.
“Enough!” Bonnie screamed over top of our yelling. We looked at Bonnie. She was close to tears, Lila’s cheeks were red and wet with tears. “It’s hard enough how it is. We don’t need you two to fight. Get over it all ready(already).” Bonnie, said. She looked at our faces where she stood.
I clenched my mouth shut and left the room. The room the girls’ share door closed quickly as I walked past it.
That night I made the most rash decision in my life.

Overall fairly good story. I love this time in history and I'm interested in hearing what your MC's rash decision is!
Keep writing
~day