** I'm sorry but I have removed this story. But you can look at my other work here: viewtopic.php?t=55673
- DeadEndsAreOptional
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi,Morgan here. I'm new too! This is my first review. Also I'm not very good at spelling or language and since other reviews pick up on a lot of the problems in those areas I'm not going to write anything on that. So this isn't going to be the best but, here I go.
Like Spiral and Pink, I would like a lot more descriptions. When I was reading this I couldn't get a good picture of the setting in my mind. But considering that I wanted to read more to learn about the setting, it might be fine as it is. You would just have to pay special attention to make sure put a lot more description in the rest of the story.
Also your characters kindly blended together. I had trouble trying to figure out who was talking. This partly is because of lack of description. I think another reason was because there was a lot of dialogue and the quick pace. They also confuse me a bit.
But other than that great plot. Also as I said before this hooked me and I think this would hook many other readers as well. But I'm excited to read the rest.
-Morgan:)
Thanks for all the help on my mistakes! I'll work more on my description, thanks again for the tips/suggestions (they'll help me a lot).
Hey! This is Spiral. I really like it! Although I'm sure many would say it borders on cliche, I believe that so many books have been written that no book could possibly not be cliche.
Well, for the nit-pickyness...
Should be a comma between inside and you.
I think there should be a pause, like "Okay." She turned as she entered her chamber to continue, "Joanne?" or something like that, so as to insinuate a sort of time passing between phrases.
You should separate this into two sentences, or else it seems a bit run-on, although I don't think it technically is.Just a suggestion, so as to make it more understandable.
First, if you're going to use 'her anything' you might want to use another example. Also, no space between 'a part'. Lastly, don't use the 'of' before 'responsibility'.
Run-on sentence, put 'and' before 'she' and it's fixed.
Another run-on, add an 'and' after the comma.
Ok, 'now hurry' would make a good acceptable sentence fragment. I suggest separating it from the beginning of the sentence.
'Your' should be 'you're' because it abbreviates 'you are'.
'Has' should be 'have' for plural.
Should not be a comma in this sentence.
Another run-on, add an 'and' after the comma.
Run-on, separate into two sentences.
Run-on, put 'and' after the comma.
End 'A girl said' as a sentence, and start a new one with the description of the girl.
Tense switched, change 'has' to 'had'.
End 'You must be mistaken' as a sentence. End the next sentence at 'guards'. 'Your' should be 'you're'.
'Want's' should just be 'wants'.
No comma in this sentence.
Unneccessary sentence fragment, join the two sentences together.
All in all, an extremely good storyline, as far as I can tell. Just watch out for those run-on sentences, they can confuse people easily.
Hi Deadends! I'm Pink, here to do a review for your first piece!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here as much as the rest of us YWSers.
okay, now on to the review.
Nitpicks
You need a period after kingdom.
No need for servant, we all know what a maid does.
Comma after throne
note the above. When placing in "she said" you can put a comma after the phrase so it's like:
"...wonderful ruler," Joanne said.
Apart is one word.
just a suggestion, but because something is being exclaimed here, maybe you should use a word like she 'shouted/exclaimed/yelled/etc'
"Your crown!" She exclaimed.
________________________________
Alright, there was a few more mistakes but they were the same things I mentioned above and I'm sure you can point those out when you reread this.
Firstly, there wasn't enough description. You story had a lot of dialogue and not not enough action. You've created a good enough plot, but you lack in descriptions, so work on that a little. Brush up on a few comma rules and punctuation rules. Nothing too big though.
Your story line was moving a tad too fast, and with missing descriptions it becomes hard for us to connect with your characters so try working on that a little more.
Other than that, this was interesting.
If you have any questions or need some assistance, don't hesitate to PM me. I'll help you out
Keep writing!
~Pink