Kyle
"Yo, where's my best Left Winger", Jared announces right after he's seen me in the school hallway and approaches. The whole place is buzzing with laughter, students, teachers. But among the pool of heads, we're easily noticed. We stand out - we're The Foxes. Or at least that's what I'm expected to think.
And there's not a single person who doesn't know him around here. Not just at school. The best Captain the hockey team's had in years, and it's obvious we won the tournament last year thanks to him. I can't believe this is his last year in high school. He's going to university next year where he can finally play professionally - after all hockey's his whole life. Almost like it would be mine were I a better player.
"What's up, man? " I greet him and we do the team's handshake. I know it probably looks stupid to outsiders, but the guys do it, so I'm kinda going with the flow.
" How's the leg?"
"Better, thanks. Still a bit swollen, but it's fine now. "
"I told you to take it easy on the training camp, McDavid, but you don't listen. Get ready, cause we have practice this afternoon, and I'm gonna kick your ass."
" Yeah, we'll see about that." I don't say my leg actually hurts like hell. A girls suddenly appears out of somewhere and she's now draping herself on his neck. Maddison. i'm not exactly sure if that's her name, but I guess he's dating her now .He's constantly surrounded anyway, girls are only part of the whole crowd.
"Right. I gotta go to class. Laters, bro."
I head for mine, trying not to limp as I do. We spent the whole summer training so I’ve been with the guys almost the whole time. It’s like school never stopped for the summer.
I get to class a bit late, but one of the good things about winning prizes for the school is teachers are okay with some absences here and there.
Grades, even.
But The Foxes are the most important thing right now. I know we’re going to win this year too. Especially if you ask my father.
I open the door, fumbling with my textbooks, when suddenly everyone starts talking.
"There he is!"
" I saw the friendly game for opening the season."
"You scored most of the goals, man! "
" Kyle, you were awesome"
"When's the next one?"
" My sister asked if you have a girlfriend now"
"Will you be the captain next year?"
All of this , at once. Do I answer, or?
I look helplessly around, like someone can answer all of that for me , and see an unfamiliar face.We have a new classmate, probably.
He's like a dark shadow, leaning back, his chair tipped onto the rear legs. He' s staring blindly at something outside, oblivious to all of this. I hope he doesn't trip back, even though there's a wall behind him.
As if he read my mind, or saw me looking at him, he turns and the grayest eyes I have ever seen are now regarding me. There's something else, too- are his eyes different?
And- are there even such eye colors? I'm too far to see though.
I nod in his direction, but he just shakes his head and resumes staring out.
"Enough, everyone. Kyle, don't just stand there, you take enough space anyway."- everyone laughs at that- "Hurry up and take your seat. You wasted most of my class already". I never thought I'd say it, but Miss Chase is a savior.
I finish classes and spent the entire afternoon at practice. I'm gonna need new knee pads, but first I need to pick my sister up from her dance practice. She wants to be a ballerina; too bad she can't use me as her prince for at home practice anymore.
"Kyle!!" she beams when she sees me "We did arabesque today"
"Yeah, and how was it?" I ask, and of course I know what this is, since she doesn't stop talking about the performance they'll have in December and she'll be...Wait, I got it - The Crystal Fairy from Sleeping Beauty.
"I still need practice, but I'll make it in the end. "
"Of course you will." I want to ruffle her hair, but I know she'll be mad at me for ruining her bun. Mia' s nine, but she started dancing when she was only four. It was more of my Dad's decision because "this is for girls, and hockey is for boys". In her case following Dad's order worked out pretty well, though and she's happy.
"Can we go for ice cream?" Mia asks once she gets in the car, trying to put her seat belt on.
"Wait, let me help you with that. There. No, not today. I have to help Dad in the garage and then I'm going out with the guys."
"Mom says you shouldn't practice so much"
"Yeah, but Dad doesn't." I clench the steering wheel.
"I think they were having a fight the other night"
"All families fight, Mia. That's normal. Besides, it's like Mom says- if we don't talk, we can't fix our problems. Right?
"Right"- she nods, frowning . After a second she adds "They won't separate, will they?"
"What? Why did you say that?"
"My friend's parents are getting divorced and I'm scared Mom and Dad will too" I glance at my little sister and she looks even smaller than she normally is. Sad.
"Oh, Mia. They won't, because they love each other. And I promise everything will be fine. I always keep my promises, remember?
"I remember"
"Good. So now - are we going for that ice cream? “
“Really? Are you sure Dad won’t be mad?”
“I’m sure, I can work on the car later tonight. Besides, I can’t refuse you anything. But just one scoop, okay?"
"Yaaay!! Deal- just one. But I want from the blue one."
"Ughh. that's gross". Mia starts laughing as I turn the old truck, driving to Jasper's.
Note: The center in ice hockey is a forward position of a player whose primary zone of play is the middle of the ice, away from the sideboards. Centers have more flexibility in their positioning and are expected to cover more ice surface than any other player.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello DavidFoxx! Thought I'd review this second chapter. I have to warn you that I haven't read the first chapter, though, because you took it down for edits. So I hope I don't screw up with the plot. Anyways, I like how you went with the whole popular-at-school Captain of the hockey team, then make the main character his under-performing friend. Well, maybe not under-performing, but he certainly thinks so.
He doesn't think he's not doing his best, but he thinks he is not as good as he could be. Or at least that's what I think when I read that. You do a good job at describing how the main character feels, and I really like that.
But also, this part doesn't make sense:
There's a tad bit too many commas for this sentence. Maybe you could replace this comma to 'from'
I know, I know, I see what you were trying to do there, but it would make more sense if you change it.
I like the dialogue here. It seems to flow naturally, almost seeming to be from a real conversation.
Also, is there a reason why the main character lied? Will he get made fun of or something? Or is he doing it for the sake of looking good in front of the Captain of the hockey team, like a fake appearance? You could maybe explain yourself - or let the main character explain - why they lied.
Hopefully you don't turn too cliche here. Not trying to offend you, though. It just seems like it's going in that direction. But even if you do, no harm done; almost everything's been done. So in a sense, everything's cliche.
It seems like this should be exclaimed with an exclamation mark.
Final thing I have to say, the ending is great. I don't really have much else to say about it.
Other than that, though, this story does more than enough to keep my attention; good job! As always, happy writing.
With caution,
WaterSpout
Hey there! I'm back for the next chapter
I might have forgotten stuff from the previous chapters since it's been awhile, so forgive me if I say anything stupid xD
Ooh, so there seems to be some family tensions. I feel like that's going to play out to be one of the main conflicts in this novel. I enjoyed reading this! The dialogue format still seems a bit weird, which I'll elaborate below, but I'm enjoying where this is going! I think the conversation between the narrator and his sister was sad but cute, and it reminds me a lot of other books I've read (not in a bad way though, of course). I'm going to point out some grammar things and other stuff, if you don't mind!
Very same thing, you don't need a space between your quotation mark and "Yo"
Also, I think it would be better if you had a comma before the end quote, eliminate the dash, and write something like "says Jared" or whatever you want so it's clear who's speaking, and it's written more correctly : D
I don't think this is exactly a sentence. You can say something like "Because hockey's his whole life, he's going to university to finally play professionally." or something like that!
You do this in quite a few places, but you don't need spaces between your quotation marks. They should be attached to the word, like this: "What's up, man?"
Also, I don't know if the dashes after quotes are an acceptable format for writing quotes. You don't really need them anyway.
I believe you meant "girl" not "girls." Also, this is a run-on sentence, which you can fix by saying something like "A girl appears from nowhere and drapes herself around his neck." On that note though, I feel like this sentence comes out of nowhere (like the girl xD). Maybe you can elaborate on why the narrator lied about his leg and then introduce the girl in a new paragraph.
Like the quotes thing, the period should be attached to the word "now" and not separated from it. Since the second sentence is a run-on, you can replace the comma after "anyway" with a semicolon to fix that if you'd like.
Small thing, you forgot to capitalize the beginning of this sentence.
xD
You can't have both a period and exclamation marks ending a quote. Also, are these two different speakers or one speaker saying both sentences? If each sentence is a different speaker, give the second sentence its own paragraph. If they are the same speaker, eliminate the end quote after the exclamation marks. The same goes with this one: "When's the next one?" " My sister asked if you have a girlfriend now"
This should end with a double, not a single, quote.
To me, this is worded a bit awkwardly. Maybe "Are there even such eye colors?" would work better?
This is a run-on sentence. You can fix this by replacing the comma with a period, semicolon, or adding a conjunction after the comma.
Uh oh. Why do I have a feeling that promise might break :c
Overall, I think you have a pretty solid chapter! I don't think it would hurt to add more descriptions though. Right now, I'm struggling to establish the setting in my mind. I don't really know what anything looks like (for example, the school) so slowing down and providing more detailed descriptions would really help. But I really enjoyed this chapter, and I hope this helped!
Thank you so much! Of course it helped <3 I'm taking into consideration everything you've said and it really helps me immensely! Feel free to always be as critical as possible. Thank you once again!