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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi David, welcome to YWS!
I'm here to give you a quick review. I think it would help, firstly, if you labelled your work as 'chapter one' in the title. That makes it easier to keep track of when you're posting any subsequent chapters and also means that people who come across it know before clicking where they're jumping into the novel.
Ok, now onto the actual piece.
This is very interesting, stylistically. The disjointed sentences and short, sharp paragraphs give a very specific feel to your character. It's a good choice, I think, though I can't help but think it would only work for so long. So my advice would be keep it for this chapter, but if you're planning on continuing from this character's PoV then it would probably be good to make further chapters flow together better. Otherwise I could see reading this becoming very tiring.
As another note, you don't have to * swears in your work on this site. If you've chosen to do that for the novel itself then fair enough, but you don't have to do it just to post here. I also see you've given the work an appropriate rating, so nothing to worry about.
The first and last sentence here feel a bit too repetitive with the 'not that she' at the beginning.
Watch your tenses here – you change back and forth here.
I'm not sure why you've chosen to do your speech in this manner, but personally I'm not a fan. If you need help on structuring speech then there are plenty of helpful resources on here I can direct you to. If this is a choice, I would say maybe reconsider? It makes it much harder to read.
That's my main point I think, that the speech makes it hard to follow. I can't really comment on the rest of the piece since I found it harder to work out what was going on during the speech.
Otherwise, it's an interesting start. You've definitely primed the story for some conflict, and I look forward to seeing which direction you take this in. Your character voice is also very unique so I'm intrigued to learn more about them!
Hope this helped somewhat. Feel free to ask me any questions if something isn't clear.
Icy
Thank you so much!
It's huge help, and I really, really appreciate it <3
Hey there! Welcome to YWS
I hope you're enjoying it so far!
Ooh, so it definitely seems like there are some secrets to be uncovered in this story. I think you have a pretty good start! There are some places I'd like to point out that may need work on. It mostly deals with grammar and a few suggestions in general.
I feel that "blue ink" sounds better than "'ink blue." But I love the second sentence; it has quite interesting imagery!
I'm confused by this sentence grammatically. I think you meant "Or maybe it's because of the four coffees and..."
Often times I'm confused by where you start a new paragraph. Many of your paragraphs are just a couple of sentences. I feel that a lot of your paragraphs could be combined. I'll give you one example below.
I believe this all could be combined. This is just one example. I don't think you need to have so many very tiny paragraphs.
This is not a sentence by itself. I would combine it with the previous one.
Like MissGangamash said, no quotations make this a bit confusing. I'm curious on your choice of not using quotation marks. I often forget who is speaking and who is who in general. Unless you have a reason for not using quotations, I think your story would really benefit from them.
Very small thing, the quotation should be attached to the "me" without a space.
You have a lot of sentences like these that aren't technically sentences by themselves, and I don't think they need to be entirely new paragraphs.
"dad" should be capitalized since it's being used as a name.
You don't really need the "their" before "afternoon tea."
"it's France" sounds better to me than "that's France."
Ooh, I love the closing sentence. It's definitely going to make readers want to read the next chapter, and it has nice descriptions!
Overall, I think you have a good idea going on here! I'd just look at your dialogue and your paragraphs. Your paragraphs are what threw me off the most. I hope this helped!
Thank you so, so much!
I messed with the way dialogues are presented, so I apologize- it must've been painful to read.
Thank you once again <3
Saw this in the green room so I thought I'd give it a read and give you your first review.
Is there a reason you're not using quotation marks for speech? It makes reading this very jarring and confusing, especially when the narrator narrates in a conversational way, too.
I like the little hints of - I'm guessing - the brother's illness. But, again, it's quite difficult to read and follow.
'We arrive decades later. No exaggeration.' - except it is an exaggeration? So the last part in redundant.
'None of our parents made it to the front door' - sounds weird. Could just be 'neither of our parents'. Unless they have more that two parents and that's important.
Hope this helps
Thank you so much!
I messed the format, because I copy paste, and it must've been hell for you to read.
Thank you once again, especially about the remarks about sentences that sound weird <3