Hi David, welcome to YWS!
I'm here to give you a quick review. I think it would help, firstly, if you labelled your work as 'chapter one' in the title. That makes it easier to keep track of when you're posting any subsequent chapters and also means that people who come across it know before clicking where they're jumping into the novel.
Ok, now onto the actual piece.
Or now’s because of the four coffees and the headache I've been trying to ignore for the past few hours.
I swear the stupid drive from the airport's f*cking endless. Not that I'm excited to get anywhere, though. I just need a shower.
And a smoke, which I won't get any time soon. That I can be sure of.
I was stupid enough to throw the pack once we landed and I regret it by the minute.
Yeah, I know
This is very interesting, stylistically. The disjointed sentences and short, sharp paragraphs give a very specific feel to your character. It's a good choice, I think, though I can't help but think it would only work for so long. So my advice would be keep it for this chapter, but if you're planning on continuing from this character's PoV then it would probably be good to make further chapters flow together better. Otherwise I could see reading this becoming very tiring.
As another note, you don't have to * swears in your work on this site. If you've chosen to do that for the novel itself then fair enough, but you don't have to do it just to post here. I also see you've given the work an appropriate rating, so nothing to worry about.
Not that she could check anything in the last few weeks.
She insisted on coming to Canada earlier with my father last month, so that she could prepare everything before we arrive.
Not that she'd prepare anything, I think she was just afraid he'll start cheating on her the moment they are more than two miles apart.
The first and last sentence here feel a bit too repetitive with the 'not that she' at the beginning.
I think she was just afraid he'll start cheating on her the moment they are more than two miles apart.
Watch your tenses here – you change back and forth here.
- We'll be there in no time- my father's new assistant says . - Canmore's really not that far from Calgary anyway.
I'm not sure why you've chosen to do your speech in this manner, but personally I'm not a fan. If you need help on structuring speech then there are plenty of helpful resources on here I can direct you to. If this is a choice, I would say maybe reconsider? It makes it much harder to read.
That's my main point I think, that the speech makes it hard to follow. I can't really comment on the rest of the piece since I found it harder to work out what was going on during the speech.
Otherwise, it's an interesting start. You've definitely primed the story for some conflict, and I look forward to seeing which direction you take this in. Your character voice is also very unique so I'm intrigued to learn more about them!
Hope this helped somewhat. Feel free to ask me any questions if something isn't clear.
Icy
I hope you're enjoying it so far!
Points: 154417
Reviews: 1487
Donate