Climax on the Eastern Front

This is one of the more stunning pieces I have read recently, really beautiful. The word choices are especially effective and really make the piece. They aren't overdone or too self-important-sounding. I especially appreciate references which make the reader go beyond the poem--especially with topics like this. It really adds a dimension of depth and seriousness, makes it more specific and relevant. That being said, assuming TTTF's information is correct, I would take their advice into consideration regarding the "Panzer division."

As far is structure and form are concerned, the middle line breaks made it a little bit choppy for me. Each line is its own seperate phrase (ex. "Bloodied battle ground eyes watching [full break] Overlord is among our biology [full break] The bulge is let loose [full break]") I don't know if there was an affect that you were trying to accomplish, some additional imagery about war and battles etc. However, when you referenced the "war machine" it struck me that battles and tragedies and other events of war over time seem to blend together into endless catastrophe and grief, all flowing and blending together into that machine. I can't say of course that the line breaks were your intentional choice for that reason. However, I think it might be an effective illustration of the "human condition," "machine of war," etc. if the lines flowed together more smoothly.

THe only other thing I felt was lacking was the personal connection. The battles, blood, and weaponry are all there, but it strikes me as somewhat emotionless. I wondered if that was the point, but it wasn't quite robotic enough to make me convinced, and towards the end you did hint at our connection through and under these events. It did not quite strike me to the heart, though, as the true stories of war often do.

Those are my two biggest points. I think this was very eloquent and you have true skill with language.

This is one of the more stunning pieces I have read recently, really beautiful. The word choices are especially effective and really make the piece. They aren't overdone or too self-important-sounding. I especially appreciate references which make the reader go beyond the poem--especially with topics like this. It really adds a dimension of depth and seriousness, makes it more specific and relevant. That being said, assuming TTTF's information is correct, I would take their advice into consideration regarding the "Panzer division."

As far is structure and form are concerned, the middle line breaks made it a little bit choppy for me. Each line is its own seperate phrase (ex. "Bloodied battle ground eyes watching [full break] Overlord is among our biology [full break] The bulge is let loose [full break]") I don't know if there was an affect that you were trying to accomplish, some additional imagery about war and battles etc. However, when you referenced the "war machine" it struck me that battles and tragedies and other events of war over time seem to blend together into endless catastrophe and grief, all flowing and blending together into that machine. I can't say of course that the line breaks were your intentional choice for that reason. However, I think it might be an effective illustration of the "human condition," "machine of war," etc. if the lines flowed together more smoothly.

THe only other thing I felt was lacking was the personal connection. The battles, blood, and weaponry are all there, but it strikes me as somewhat emotionless. I wondered if that was the point, but it wasn't quite robotic enough to make me convinced, and towards the end you did hint at our connection through and under these events. It did not quite strike me to the heart, though, as the true stories of war often do.

Those are my two biggest points. I think this was very eloquent and you have true skill with language.

Well written. I had to read it twice to get the meaning. My understanding is that the entire poem is a double entendre which refers simultaneously to an act of sex and the Second World War. I see so many examples of this, throughout the poem, from "letting loose the bulge," to the "erect" V-2s (And aren't they the most phallic thing ever erected?) to "tangled hair." I can't name them all, although I'm sure that you came up with one for every line. Well done. That takes skill. The pacing was also excellent, suggestive of progress toward a "climax."

Then again, can I say that the comparison between a horrific war and a sexual climax is rather disturbing? How are they similar? Is there some nuance here that I am missing?

On a more practical note, I will point out that a Panzer division, it's main element being the Panzer or Tiger tank, the latter of which was very heavy weapons system that weighed 56 tons, would be incapable of negotiating any landform describable as a "crevice."

But if you want to preserve a double entendre about how Panthers and Tigers "pounce," then I'd keep it.

--TTTF

Oh wow! I haven't read a poem that has gotten me that enraptured in a while. I could see everything so vividly. I quite enjoyed your metaphor to the war as an all-consuming monster. I understand if this doesn't particularly help; I found that some things were unclear, but going back through, I couldn't find any specific examples. I'll just say to watch your word choice and punctuate appropriately. There were several portions that seemed a little odd to me when reading them the first time, but they served their purpose nonetheless. Try to reread your work and make sure that the reader can understand. All in all, however, it was a very excellent poem and one of my favorites on this site.
Keep writing!