Published March 28, 2005
Here's a silly little poem I wrote a while back. Originally, it was a poem about suicide. However, since those are everywhere, I took out the parts that made it so, and decided to just post this. And I'm only going to say this once: I'm not a poet. Enjoy!
Once there was a girl
How cliché
She was born in the heat of May
With a glistening curl
The color of the darkness of the night she was born
She grew in a sort of slow motion
She grew into a sort of wispy shadow
Slinking, staying low
Her eyes glistened glassy: precaution
The heavens opened up and received her and so did the demons
She swore she danced in the clouds
Hung on the smiling moon
Stayed in the darkest corner of the earth high noon
Clothed herself in the angels’ shroud
But, then again, she was a compulsive liar
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I found this quite amusing in some parts, although in others, the way it was structured began to irritate me.
I don't like how the line is practically repeated her, it doesn't seem very professional and loses the feel of the earlier poem. It wouldn't be very ahrd just to change on of the lines here, and I think it would improve the poem.
I don't like the colon here...it really doesn't seem to fit. It made me pause for too long, but the word in itself didn't seem important enough to be placed on its own.
Overall, it was good, just seemed to get a little muddled in the middle. And the line breaks are a bit crazy, too.
Thanks for the critique. I was afraid I wasn't going to get one!
I really liked this; the poem has a unique feel to it, and many of the lines are eloquently written. The only real problem I had was with the third line; it added a comic element too early to the poem. However, I really like the last line as it changes the meaning of the poem.