They Wished For Suicide
They called it gross
They called it sin
They waited for his life to end
They said it's wrong
They said it's bad
They waited for the wrath of dad
They called it sick
They called it unreal
They waited for a knife to reveal
They beat him down
They called him names
So he popped a pill to end his pains
They called him wrong
They called him sick
So he took the blade to his wrist
They made him cry
They said go to hell
He dropped the knife and down he fell
They laughed and they didn't mourn
They took the flowers and ripped them up
His lover cried “was this not enough”?
They wished for his suicide
They praised the day it came
But now they are inflicted with forever shame
The boy he loved was sad
And now he stands to say
“Was it really wrong to say that they were gay”?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked your story, but I just want to say that If someone decides to kill themselves because of being ridiculed that would imply that they were right. I would do the opposite because it would mean that they are wrong. I say this because I am a gay christian of color.
This is Kaos here for a review.
So this is a rather controversial topic that you chose, and I was wondering why you chose this for what you wanted to write about, but I really felt like the message got distorted throughout the poem, especially with the ending of it. You can write about some sort of controversial topic and how it's bad and win people's attention that way, or do something that wins their attention by being a good poem /with/ the good message.
Stop using "they" so much to start each line and try something else. It really bothered me that you couldn't make an effort to start the lines differently or mix it up other than the times you were rhyming with the longer lines. One small note that I have to make about this is that I think there were supposed to be stanzas but the Publishing Center is weird so they didn't show up and the easiest way to indicate that you have stanzas and where they start is an "~" in between them. I felt like this was really bare in the imagery. "They said it's wrong" and "They said it's bad" is basically the same thing so I don't know why both are there other than for it sounding nice. You never tell us why they thought it was bad here or why they thought it was wrong. Describe it.
Again with the repeating of "they" which you may think is a stylistic choice but really it just doesn't work with you not having any variation at all. The rhyme here is forced and I suggest you take the rhyming out of the poem and rather focus on using strong and vivid imagery and stronger words. The rhyme does nothing to benefit the poem, and it doesn't really follow a particular pattern, so take it out. If the rhyme doesn't have a pattern or isn't rhyming in the whole poem then taking it out is a good rule of thumb with some rare exceptions.
I felt like that a poem that had a toned down thing where it would be about a person who was sort of being bullied without people really knowing that they're doing it or it like being in their brains to say some things could have been more powerful than this. I think the poem would benefit from punctuation and I honestly wanted to know your reason for not having it other than the flow of the poem feeling horrible with each line ending after it starts and all. The flow of the poem was weak in that it didn't really read well aloud with all the repetitive lines and all. You say a lot of the message early on so the poem drags on for a rather long time because of the things just being repeated synonyms like "They thought he was wrong" or "They thought he was bad" or something like that. It's better to focus on making a short poem strong because there's less to focus on and when it gets long it drags on and has a lot of weak dents.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
Hi there! DeepRoses here for a review on your first poem! Hope you enjoy these tips I give you and use them for future poems.
Warning: I'm not the best reviewer!! But I will try
First of all the message this poem sends is great. As simple as that, this poem is great.
There's many different types of poems, and some poems involve grammar but the style and way you wrote this poem doesn't need grammar. I also like how you made the lines in the middle, makes it nice to read. I also enjoyed the rhyming, but not all poems need rhyming but again with the style you used, it was okay. I also liked the word choice used in this poem.
The things I would fix though is adding stanzas. It is much easier for the reviewer and reader and writer themselves when reading it. It makes it much nicer and makes the poem flow nicer.
Also since you already have the title it was a bit useless to put "They Wished For Suicide" at the top of the poem.
Lastly, you were insanely repetitive using the word "they". That is something all writers need to be careful with and tend to do. After seeing it over and over again, it can bore the reader and make them not want to read anymore of the poem, which is something you might want to avoid.
All in all, the concept and style was great. For the most part, I personally liked it. But next time be careful when repeating a word or phase and use stanzas to make it easier to understand a review each section, also not put the title at the top of the poem because we already know what it is.
Keep up the good work though! Hope you use these tips for future works. Have a good day