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Script

by DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza


A mosaic floats scarcely, glossing over my mind,

A picture of beauty, but the truths an ugly lie,

Zoom in on the fractures,

And wounds buried in the piece.

You’ll soon find that perfect is just a ceased way,

Of saying you’re not good enough...

~

My mind runs through memories,

Like a person rewinds a movie.

I dryly critique the character development,

And all the flaws they try to mask underneath.

~

I want someone to tell me “it’s alright,”

And for once say their empty lines.

Tell me blitz of gorgeous lies, and bask me in false words.

Because the truth is?

I want them to read what the audience wants to hear,

The script. 


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1247 Reviews


Points: 57897
Reviews: 1247

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Sat Oct 26, 2019 1:24 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hi, Daria!

I love the theme you have here and the metaphor of storytelling that you use to express it. They really work super well and project that feeling of critically watching someone live their life through a filtered lens.

I especially loved how the piece ended. It's a relatable feeling that still leaves the speaker feeling empty and sad, in search of some hope for themselves. It really takes a good look at what really lies behind a compliment or well-intentioned comment and how some people can/will see right through it, possibly twist it even into something false.

The first stanza was a little confusing to me. It wasn't until the second stanza that I was understanding the piece. The opening lines start out with this idea of a mosaic, a picture formed from little pieces that work together. I don't really know how a mosaic can float scarcely while still forming a picture. To be scarce is to be.. absent or not enough. So it makes it sound like the mosaic isn't even complete yet, or at least floats in vague pieces across the speaker's mind in an incoherent mosaic, and if that's the case, it seems like it defeats the purpose of the rest of the stanza.

There were some stray commas and things punctuation-wise, but it's nothing a read-through can't fix. Some attention to wording, and definitely maintaining the theme through the entire piece would seem like a good idea. We never really hear about the mosaic again! It'd be cool if the last stanza tied with the idea of being broken or fractured. Otherwise, dropping the mosaic and focusing more on scripting or screenwriting could also strengthen this piece.

You have a great start. An awesome theme with some great metaphors and a relatable message. A little tweaking here and there and it could be a great poem in your portfolio!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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44 Reviews


Points: 515
Reviews: 44

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Sat Oct 26, 2019 12:30 am
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dahlia58 wrote a review...



Ouch. This poem hits home so hard it hurts...Good criticism is absolutely necessary for every work, script or not. But it sucks when people keep pointing out the flaws and not the good points of your own work. Of course, if I'm interpreting this poem wrong, please correct me.

But still, this is a great poem.^^ Please do continue writing more.





You can't fool me! I listen to public radio!
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